42 — Catarina Rowedder
“I know you're thinking
that I'm cold
I'm just protecting my innocence
I’m just protecting my soul.”
Too good at goodbyes — Sam Smith
"What place is this? I question myself as I observe an immensely flowery garden and see a man in the distance with a child, apparently around three years old.
Curiosity makes me come closer and I freeze when I see my father playing with a boy.
— Daughter, how you have grown! She transformed into an incredible and fighting woman.
— Father! — I walk towards him, automatically snuggling into his embrace. — I love you so much! But what place is this? Where are we, what happened?
— Calm down, my little garden rose, everything is fine. However, remember that everything happens as it should. Everything is in God's and destiny's plans, just trust and persist, I'm here to guide all your steps.
— But what happened? — I feel extremely confused.
— At the right time, you will know. Just don't forget, bad things happen so that we can mature and receive blessings at the right time. Stay calm and just trust.
— And this boy? I ask, admiring the rosy cheeks, the blonde hair and the sparkling blue eyes, reminding me of myself at that age.
— I repeat, my beloved daughter, everything in its own time. I love you and, rest assured, things will get better from now on.
And, as if by magic, everything goes dark.”
My heart races, I try to open my eyes, but to no avail. I feel someone squeeze my hand and, again, I try to move, but it's in vain.
— My life, wake up for me. I'm here with you, my love — I listen to Noah, pry my fingers to let him know I hear him. — That's it, my angel, react. I'm here, you're safe.
Oh, my God, we're fine! I seek strength from the bottom of my soul. I need to snuggle into your arms, inhale your scent, feel at home.
I press firmly on his hand, which is intertwined with mine, managing to slowly open my eyelids, however, the light burns in my eyes, making me close them. I insist slowly, until I get used to the brightness. As soon as I see him, I am overcome by a mix of emotions, which make a tear run down my face. I want to talk, but my throat is dry.
— Shh... calm down, it's okay, my love. I'll get you some water. — He walks away for a moment and returns carrying a plastic cup, with enough to moisten my lips. — Here, slowly, my angel. The doctor should be coming to check on you, it's time.
This catches my attention, what do you mean, on time? How long have I been here? And, most importantly, how did I get here?
There are so many questions, however, the most important one is my baby. I place my hand on my stomach and see the man in my life get teary—eyed. I decide to believe it's emotion, because I believe I already know about our little miracle, which is growing in my womb.
— Hi, love — I say with some difficulty.
— I love you, my girl, I love you so much! — He caresses my face, while I notice his voice breaking. — You have no idea how long I waited for this moment, from today onwards, nothing will interfere in our lives anymore. I promise to never leave you vulnerable again, my love. — I feel guilt exuding in your words.
— We are here, our baby and me. This wasn't how I planned to tell you... — Then I remember the twinges I felt. — I... Baby, is everything okay with our little one?
Noah looks away from mine and at the same moment his face is bathed in tears, he hisses apologies in whispers and I understand.
I understand the fatality that happened.
No! No! My baby!
The crying takes me completely, the pain tears me apart. I couldn't take care of my little one!
— Love my love! Calm down, the doctor is coming and will explain it to you. Forgive me, this was all my fault, I didn't protect you as I should have, I wasn't enough. Pardon me! — I feel your hand leaving mine, I want to ask you not to let go, however, only tireless sobs come out of my mouth.
I want to tell you that it's not your fault, that this pain is ours, that we will overcome, because I took too many risks when I ran away and fought for us. Much of this is solely and exclusively my fault. I try to control my breathing, willing to call out to him, because all I need is him by my side. However, the door opens and a man in his early fifties enters.
— Oh, our sleeping patient has woken up. — he says, looking at me zealously. — I believe they've already given you the news, from what I understand. — I agree with a nod.
— I'll leave you alone, so you can talk — Noah says, wiping his face with the back of his hand.
— No... No... Stay. — I ask, extending my hand.
— He is sure? — he asks with a frown, I would even say surprised.
I try to give him a shy smile, feeling comforted by receiving his touch again.
— Well, first I will check your signs and examine you, Catarina, and then I will clear up all the doubts that must be going through your mind. Oh, and nice to meet you, I'm Dr. Harper — introduces himself. — We can start?
— Yes.
He starts checking up on all my signs, meanwhile, I grab my love's hand, as if he were a life raft, trying to convey to him a security that I don't even have at this moment.
— Everything is perfect, however, I will leave you under observation for another twenty—four hours, to make sure you are ready to go home. OK? — I agree, waiting for you to explain everything that happened to me. — I first saw you at the Foster family's training base, due to the way we found you and the amount of blood you had apparently lost, I raised suspicions of a miscarriage, which was confirmed after some tests. We carried out the initial procedures and brought you to the hospital, because due to all that emotional stress and information received that they had injected substances into you, which we also confirmed with the toxicological examination, we induced a coma so that your body could recover in a healthy way. faster. You've been here for five days, yesterday, we removed the sedative so you could react. Well, I'm sorry for your loss, I know how much a baby is expected by its parents, however, you two listen to the advice of someone who has followed more cases like this, everything happens as it should. I know the pain you are feeling, but this will only make you stronger. Just trust.
Everything happens as it should… Where did I hear that?
Daddy! It was a sign!
— I'll ask you to bring a meal, anything, just press the button. Tomorrow, if everything goes well, you will be discharged.
— Thank you, Dr. Harper — I appreciate it.
I truly understood his every word, and remembering the dream I had, no matter how suffocating the pain is, I know that at the right time life will present me again.
He waves goodbye to us and leaves the room.
I breathe in calmly, observing Noah in silence, the same one who dominates the room.
— Baby — I call — look at me. — He turns towards me. —Sit here, I want to tell you something. — Do as I ask and I begin to narrate the dream I had moments before waking up, his expression softens with each word I say. — As much as we are suffering now, I will choose to believe my father's words, when I dreamed about him and which coincidentally were also those of the doctor. We both didn't get this far by giving up and letting the darkness of pain take us. I need you with me, so we can get back on our feet and move forward. I love you beyond my life.
— You have no idea how much I admire you, my blue angel! You were born to give me hope. I love you more than myself, I die for you. Forgive me for the moments of weakness and for everything you've been through. I almost went crazy without hearing from you and our baby — your voice chokes. — Tomorrow we will go home and we will overcome any obstacle together. I do not know how to live without you!
He snuggles next to me, taking me in his arms, like my protector, my safe haven. I belong to him the same way he belongs to me.
Our happily ever after will come.
I wake up feeling a little sore, however, the joy of returning home leaves me ecstatic, being able to be surrounded by those I love. I remember Tyler, the worry hitting me hard.
— Love.
— Good afternoon, my life. I see you've had a lot of rest. — Kiss me tenderly. — Your mother was coming to stay with you, but I talked to Dr. Harper and he already came by and released you. We were just waiting for you to wake up.
— Excellent. — That comforts me. — Noah, how did you know where I was? Did a boy named Tyler happen to find you?
— We can talk about this at another time, there’s no need to relive all of this now.
—Actually, I need to know about him. He has no one, it hurts me in a way I can't explain, and it's not because we suffered a loss. I felt immense affection from the first time I saw him.
— He's fine, my girl, and for now, he's with us. He wanted to leave, but I didn't let him. I know exactly how you feel, I had an instant connection with him.
— He won't go back to that place, will he?
— If it’s up to me, no. However, the situation is not so simple to resolve, but Gael is already seeing what can be done to help him. — I realize there's something he doesn't want to tell me and that makes me want to take a risk, thinking about something I had thought about when I spoke to Ty.
— I know we're just boyfriends and we just lost our son, but I want Tyler with us, like a family. If you find this too much, I don't know what we will do, but I am willing to fight for him and provide a happy life, worthy of a child.
— I'm in. — he speaks without hesitation and I smile.
— Let me make it clear that you may think I'm crazy outside of the house, but he won't return to the streets and I won't let him go to an orphanage. So, if you really love me, you'll get on this with me, understood, Noah Foster? — He smiles the most beautiful smile he can give. — Am I a comedy to you?
— No my love. I'm laughing because you started talking and didn't even notice when I said I was okay with it. — I look at him in disbelief, not believing that we are about to do something so big. — We will be everything he needs, my love. Now, rest a little, we’ll do everything in due time!
I hug him without wanting to let go, knowing that I have a prince charming by my side.