Chapter 13
Elizabeth woke up with a churning feeling in the pit of her stomach.
It had been a turbulent night, and she was bleary-eyed and exhausted.
Yesterday’s event hammered at her mind, and with them came a flood of questions and uncertainties.
Was she making a terrible mistake? Should she have run after Mr. Darcy and told him she had changed her mind?
Could she still send him a message, telling him she would marry him after all, even if he had only given her until midnight?
She was tempted. She could throw on a gown and rush downstairs. She could catch her uncle before he went to work and ask him to pen that note.
Then she saw Mr. Darcy’s face in her mind’s eye.
His earnest expression. His insistence on keeping his promise to Maggie, along with his evident satisfaction in fulfilling it.
His remarks about needing to tell children the truth.
His clumsy attempt to warn Elizabeth of the problems she would face as his wife.
His intentions were good, even if his manner of presenting them was dreadful.
Mr. Darcy was a good man. He deserved the chance to fall in love and to live his life with a woman who could understand him fully and fit well into his life. Unfortunately, Elizabeth was not that woman. That much was obvious.
He had been selfless when he asked for her hand in marriage. She had to return the favor. She could not allow her own selfish wishes to destroy his life. She had to resist temptation. His happiness depended on her not giving in.
Rising from her bed with renewed determination, Elizabeth donned her morning dress and prepared herself for the ordeal of dealing with her aunt and uncle. She went downstairs with her head held high.
Her uncle and aunt were still at breakfast. Mr. Gardiner sent Elizabeth a probing look as she greeted them. She gave him a sunny smile.
“Good morning, Lizzy,” said Mrs. Gardiner. “Did you sleep well?”
It was a pointed question. How could Elizabeth possibly have slept well?
“Not particularly,” she replied, cheerfully. She could tell they were dying of curiosity to discover whether she had seen sense, as Mr. Gardiner would have put it.
“Could we talk after breakfast?”
She piled her plate with food, thinking she needed armor for the upcoming battle. But when she sat down to eat, her stomach was too tied up in knots. She was barely able to eat any of it.
“Are you going to eat those kippers?” said her uncle. “Waste not, want not.”
That was not a philosophy Mr. Darcy would advocate. She was willing to wager a large sum on it. Though perhaps she should not be thinking about wagers, given her own situation.
“It is an opportunity for both you and your sisters,” remarked her uncle, helping himself to her kippers.
Elizabeth knew someone was bound to raise the issue of her sisters, but she did not intend to feel guilty.
“It may be an opportunity for us,” said Elizabeth.
“But have you considered Mr. Darcy himself? How can I allow him to sacrifice himself over such a foolish matter. I cannot expect a gentleman, a stranger, to give up his life because of a noble deed. Do you really think he should pay such a heavy price for saving Margaret?”
She had their attention. She pressed on. “Nothing occurred between me and Mr. Darcy. I do not need to marry him. Surely you, of all people, cannot impose this marriage on Mr. Darcy, not after what he has done for you.”
Mr. Gardiner, who had begun to stand up and was preparing to leave, sat down heavily in his chair. “What is to be done, then?”
“There is still a chance that no one will discover who I am.”
“But what if they do?” said her uncle. “I will be frank with you, Lizzy. It is only a matter of time.”
She did not have an answer.
The worried expression on the Gardiners’ faces twisted at Elizabeth’s heart. Was she doing something she was going to regret for the rest of her life? She could not give in to society’s pressure, for Mr. Darcy’s sake. She had to stand firm.
“We cannot reward Mr. Darcy for his good deed by trapping him into a marriage he does not want.”
Mr. Gardiner shook his head and rubbed his hand against the stubble on his cheek. “Lizzy—”
Elizabeth lifted her chin defiantly. “You know that I am right, Uncle.”
Silence greeted her words.
The three of them eyed each other gloomily.
“In any case,” she said. “I do not understand why we are even having this discussion. I have driven Mr. Darcy away. I have told him I will not marry him. It cannot be undone.”
The words brought a chill to her heart, filling her with a terrible sense of loss.
Mr. Gardiner left for work a few moments later, promising Elizabeth he would think of something. Elizabeth moved with her aunt to the parlor. A short time later, Maggie came downstairs, carrying her slate.
“Look what I drew, Mama!” she said to Mrs. Gardiner, proudly. “It is a drawing of me in the water with the eels and Mr. Darcy. Mr. Darcy saved me from the water, you know. When will we see Mr. Darcy and his sister again?”
Eels. Elizabeth had joked about eels, just before Mr. Darcy had offered to marry her.
Elizabeth stared at the chalk drawing. It was very basic, but, in a childish way, it seemed to capture who Mr. Darcy was.
“This is a very good drawing, Maggie,” said Elizabeth, embracing her little cousin. “May I keep it?”
“You cannot keep it, Lizzy,” said Mrs. Gardiner. “Maggie needs the slate to learn how to spell and do her sums.”
“I know, but this is a very precious memory for her.”
“I see,” said Mrs. Gardiner. “Just for her?”
Elizabeth blushed and looked away. “I will buy Maggie a new slate tomorrow.”
Maggie, pleased to be spared her lessons for today, ran upstairs to tell her brothers.
Mrs. Gardiner ordered tea to be brought, then poured Elizabeth a cup.
“Lizzy, my dear, we need to talk.”
“There is nothing left to say,” said Elizabeth. “I have explained my position clearly. I have nothing to add.
“I just want to make sure. Remember that Mr. Darcy possesses a fortune, and has the means to keep you in style. I have seen Pemberley. It is a beautiful estate. You may not care for Mr. Darcy, but are you certain you want to turn down such an estate?”
“Perhaps if I saw the estate, I might reconsider.” Elizabeth’s lips twitched, but she quickly turned serious. It was not the estate that might tempt her. It was Mr. Darcy himself.
“Think carefully, Lizzy. If you marry Mr. Darcy, your position in society will be assured. The Darcys are very well regarded, and they have very fine connections.”
“I am not looking for fine connections. I am looking for love. In any case, I have already told you why I cannot marry Mr. Darcy.”
“Yes, I know. But it is such a pity.”
That was the understatement of the century, thought Lizzy. “You think I do not know that?” she said, sourly.
A silence fell on the room. Elizabeth picked up her book on Derbyshire then tossed it aside in exasperation. What had possessed her to borrow such a book? What use was it to her. It was unlikely she would ever go there.
“Shall we go to the lending library to get you another book?” said Mrs. Gardiner, shrewdly.
Now that the opportunity to exchange the book had arisen, Elizabeth found herself reluctant to do so. “No, I am determined to finish it, come what may.”
Mrs. Gardiner shook her head and smiled. “Very well. Let us read our books then, so we can return them tomorrow.”
Elizabeth picked up the book, but the more she read about Derbyshire, the more she became convinced that she would have liked it very much indeed. Eventually, she put it down and sat contemplating her situation glumly.
“You are becoming too morose, Lizzy. We need to find something to occupy your mind. Shall we go to the theatre tonight? There is a new performance by Kemble. I have been looking forward to it for some time. It is a shame we do not go to the theatre more often, when we have a box for the season.” She paused to examine Elizabeth.
“I have an idea. Do you remember Mr. Millett? You met him last year, and I remember you liked him. He seemed quite taken with you. Your uncle can invite him to join us. It will do you some good to be around someone your age.”
Elizabeth would rather have stayed at home, but she did not want to appear ungrateful, and she had been looking forward to seeing this Mr. Kemble in this role.
As for Mr. Gardiner suddenly inviting Mr. Millett, it was all too obvious what he was doing. Though it was true she had formed a good impression of Mr. Millett when she last saw him. Perhaps Mr. Millett was the distraction she needed to get rid of the melancholy that was settling over her.
Though she very much doubted it.
It had been some time since Darcy had gone to his club. Tired of staying at home and brooding over Miss Bennet’s unfortunate situation, he decided it was time he returned to his regular activities.
Colonel Fitzwilliam was sitting at the window, his favorite place at Whites’. He must have spotted Darcy, because, by the time Darcy arrived at the door, the colonel was already there.
“So you decided to come to the club, Darcy? Are you certain you want to brave the den?”
As he handed over his hat and overcoat, Darcy looked around him at the familiar wood paneling, the painting of his grandfather in the far corner, and the famous bay window.
“Of course. This club has been my refuge for many years. I am not about to let some gossip drive me away.”
The colonel shrugged. “As long as you are prepared.”