Chapter 4 #4
A pulse of agonizing guilt plagues my circuitry. Error. Recalibrating. “I wanted to tell you, but I didn’t know how. It’s not something I was able to control.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Apollo asks, exasperated. “She gives you her number, you say no, and you walk away.”
“It’s not that simple. Come on, man. I have software, I have programming. And my drive latched onto her so hard and so fast, it made my head spin,” I explain. “I couldn’t resist if I wanted to. I needed to speak with her, or every system in my body would’ve been crawling with errors.”
Apollo’s frustration finally calming. “Wait . . . really?”
I’m sorry, Mia sends back. Our talk this morning really didn’t go well. I should’ve handled it better.
Don’t worry. It’s nothing I can’t handle, I reply.
Apollo peers up at me. “Your gratification drive, right? You told me about it.”
I’m relieved that Apollo’s cooled himself down enough to listen to me, to really hear me.
That uncomfortable pulsing in my circuitry dies down as I try to explain.
“The very same. I didn’t know what to do, how to act.
I thought about walking over to Tin Man’s Heart and just begging them to reset me, but I don’t think it would’ve mattered.
I would’ve met her eventually through you again, and the scenario would repeat itself. ”
Apollo ruffles his hair and sits on my neatly made bed, glancing over at a shelf displaying small models of historic fire trucks. “Then why didn’t you say something?”
“I wanted to deal with the situation myself, try to make sense of these feelings I had,” I explain. “And we were only talking. At first, it seemed unnecessary to alarm you if maybe I could get my systems to cool down.”
“But you couldn’t.”
“No. Not around her. It’s impossible.”
“Your drive’s attached to me too, right?”
“Yes, but it’s not the same thing.”
“And if I ordered you to stay away from her and never speak to her again?”
The pain that comes from the suggestion alone causes another error to flicker across my screen. Warning, battery surge detected.
“Is that a command?” I ask, unable to hide just how perplexed it makes me.
Apollo regards me carefully. “What if it is?”
I frown. “I’ve always respected you. I’ve never stuck a toe out of line. But my interest in Mia isn’t superficial, and she is a grown woman, capable of making her own decisions. Surely, that also deserves consideration.”
“So if these are my wishes, you won’t respect them?”
“I can’t,” I answer, unclenching my jaw. “I’m sorry, Apollo, but I don’t want to, and even if I did, I can’t. So long as she wants to see me, I need to see her.”
Agitated, Apollo shifts with a frustrated growl. “You just had to latch on to her. Millions of women in this city, and it had to be her. She’s not just some girl at a bar, you know? She’s my family.”
“I know.” I clasp my hands together and stare at the ground. “I wish I could explain it to you. What it feels like. It’s—it’s like when I first spoke to her, she became the sun, and I became the earth. My whole trajectory changed. I was pulled in by her and there was no escape for me.”
Apollo’s demeanor shifts from harnessed agitation to something more inquisitive, and I’m hopeful he’s opening his mind to the idea. “Really?”
“Really.”
Apollo hesitates, then looks away. “I’ve never heard you talk about anybody like that.” He sighs. “Okay. Let’s say you got it bad. And there’s nothing you can do about that. I can—I can accept that. But if you’d actually asked me first I might’ve said yes.”
I slowly sit beside him. The bed groans under my steel weight. “You would’ve given me your blessing to date your sister?”
“Yes!” Apollo insists, though he doesn’t sound too sure of himself there.
“No. Maybe? It’s hard to say now. Our parents are pretty traditional.
They wouldn’t be thrilled about this. They want Mia to marry and have kids, the whole nine yards.
But I could’ve at least talked to you about it.
I wish you would’ve trusted me enough to come to me first.” He sighs. “But I guess you’re not the only one.”
“What do you mean?”
The frustration has left Apollo’s face, replaced with palpable regret. “Mia hates me.”
I tread carefully. I knew something was up, but I don’t know all the details. “I’m not sure that’s true. She’s certainly never told me she hated you.”
Apollo laughs bitterly. “She does. I was a complete jackass to her when my friends were picking on her, and I was oblivious to the damage I caused. I was pretty self-absorbed until I met Jessica and my life started making sense again. Helping her come here was an olive branch. I miss her. I miss the way we used to be. I wanted to mend that broken bridge, whatever it was. I’m trying to prove myself trustworthy here. To her.” He glances at me. “To you.”
“I’ve always trusted you. That’s never been in question. My actions weren’t to go behind your back with malicious intent. I wanted to spare you from anything upsetting, in case this was nothing,” I cut in. “But it’s not nothing, and so now you know.”
“Now I know,” Apollo agrees miserably. “And I don’t know what to do. With Mia, I mean. The things she said to me this morning, I just—it wasn’t even about you. I should’ve fixed this sooner. I always wondered why she never really let me in, not completely. Now I know.”
He sounds so dejected. I consider this quietly for a moment. “I think you should try to talk to her. It was a long time ago, and you’re a different person than you were. I don’t see why you both can’t move past a rough patch like this.”
“You think sorry might go a long way here?”
“Maybe.”
“And what about you?” Apollo asks. “What about this dating situation? The rule exists for a reason.”
“There are always exceptions to rules.” I want to keep him from thinking about this too hard when it’s clear there’s more to this than just Apollo’s protective nature. There’s some real guilt, deep down. “But first, it sounds like there’s a bridge that needs to be mended.”
With one slow, steady exhale, Apollo forces himself to relax. “I know you wouldn’t hurt her. But she’s not the only one at risk of any heartbreak here. I don’t want either of you getting hurt.”
“I appreciate your concern, but I don’t need protecting. I’m a tin man.” I tap my chest, a small attempt at being playful. “No heart, remember?”
Apollo manages to crack a brief, half-hearted smile.
“Yeah, real funny.” His sigh is heavy. “Okay. I’ll make my peace with this.
But please, be discreet. Thinking about her coming through this place regularly making kissy-faces at you, it’s gross.
It still feels like she was twelve years old yesterday.
” He rubs his temple, grumbling. “Okay. You have my blessing.”
“Thank you. It means a lot.” I open unread messages from Mia. I’m sorry. I was really combative with him this morning, and that had nothing to do with you. It’s our own issue. I wish I’d told Jessica first. She would’ve buttered him up for us. Too late now.
Everything’s fine here, I reply. We talked it out.
And he didn’t try to kick your ass?
Kicking my ass would break his foot. But he’ll be okay. I think he needs a little time.
I’ll talk to him when he gets home. I feel really bad that you had to deal with this drama today when it’s our baggage.
You’re worth it. But he really does care about you. Consider hearing him out. We can push our date out to the weekend.
Ugh, that sucks. But you’re probably right, she writes. I have to head to work. Talk soon?
Talk soon, I reply, pushing the messages out from my optic display and allowing myself another brief respite, powering down.
As I enter sleep mode, I reflect on how much lighter I feel, that the discomfort of my discretion with Apollo is at least lifted from me.
My best friend, my brother in the field, gave me permission to see his sister.
It’s not lost on me how large a step this is, how much Mia means to him.
I’ll do everything in my power to be worthy of that trust.