To Have and Have Not
The six o’clock alarm is brutal the following morning. Anna is deeply asleep but knows she has to move. She cracks an eye, but the darkness is still complete. Outside, she can hear the rain on the roof slates, rushing into the gutters. She does not need to draw the curtains to know what the outlook is. The rain from the previous day has not gone away. A depression is probably squatting over London, emptying the heavens.
Breakfast is quick – instant coffee and a bowl of granola. Then Anna is out of the door. The cuffs of her coat haven’t quite dried out from the day before but as they are about to get soaked once more, it is a non-issue. She wishes vainly for the umbrella she left on the night bus two weeks ago. She meant to replace it, but as she was leaving for Los Angeles, she had let it slide. Now she is living to regret it.
By the time she arrives at the hospital, she is soaked. She has seldom been so grateful for the chance to don a set of clean, dry scrubs, even if the size is unflatteringly large. The day surgeries are all written untidily on a board and Anna locates her first patient – a cardiac ablation. She’s a teenaged girl, tiny in size, and obviously nervous as hell. It takes all of two minutes for Anna to realise she and the electrophysiologist are going to knock heads on this one. A local will be easier for him, but not for the patient. She will need top cover for this. She completes her questions, reassures her patient, and goes in search of James.
“The aneurism is off,” he says as soon as he sees her. “No beds in intensive care. You’re on emergency surgery after lunch.” He looks down again at the notes he is holding.
Anna studies him for a moment. Is he avoiding looking at her? Have Bella’s words weaselled into his brain? Should she say something or stick to her plan of never broaching the subject? The latter. Definitely the latter. She can feel it.
“I’ve got an issue with my ablation,” Anna says. “I want to give her a general. She’s anxious and I’m not surprised. Have you seen the size of her veins? Tiny.” She keeps her voice professional, unemotional.
James looks up. His eyes meet Anna’s. “Okay,” he says and nods. And Anna knows they are going to be alright. She still has James’s confidence. As long as she is careful never to say anything to James, implying she wants him, even in jest, in time, James will forget it was ever a consideration. None of it will be difficult because there is only one man Anna wants, and he is on the other side of the world.
They part, each to their theatre, balance restored. Knowing James has her back, Anna overrides the disgruntled electrophysiologist and she is glad she did. The procedure takes longer than expected and Anna is late for lunch. After navigating the choked queues for food, she looks about the room for anyone she knows. Normally, Anna is happy with her own company, but today she wants to avoid the temptation of stalking Tolly Hyde.
Spotting a couple of friends in a group of men across the room, she joins their table, although the detritus of empty plastic wrappers indicates her friends have already finished. She takes an empty seat beside Hugh, a surgical registrar she has worked with before. A shy lad from the Welsh Valleys, Hugh doesn’t normally seek to be the centre of attention, but unusually the entire table seems focused on him.
Andy, another one of the surgical registrars whose cheeky grin makes him very popular, turns towards her. “What do you think, Anna? You’re a woman, you tell him.”
“Good to know all those years of anatomy haven’t gone to waste, Andy, but what am I supposed to tell him?”
“Hugh likes this girl from his church group, but he’s too scared to ask her out. We’re telling him he should just go for it,” Andy answers.
Anna turns her eyes on Hugh and pins him with her steeliest gaze. “Don’t listen to them.”
“Why not? What’s he got to lose?” one of the others chips in.
“Firstly, if Hugh likes her, I very much hope she is a woman and not a girl.” Anna turns her head towards Andy before addressing Hugh. “I take it this woman is your friend?” she asks.
He nods.
“And she is pretty?”
Another nod. “Very.”
Anna sighs. Just once, she would love to come across a man pining for a plain girl.
“How many male friends does she have? Lots, or only you.”
“Just me.” Hugh shifts uncomfortably. “What does that have to do with it?”
“She’s pretty, so it’s safe to say she gets hit on all the time. If she liked you that way, she would let you know. She doesn’t. But she values your friendship, especially because she feels safe with you. You don’t do any of that shit the guys are telling you to do. She won’t trust you anymore and she’ll withdraw. Be happy with her as your friend and look for someone else.”
“But it could be she just doesn’t know I like her?” Hugh asks, his words plaintive. Anna realises she was supposed to be encouraging. What Hugh wants is for others to bolster his courage, to give him the confidence to do what he wants to do. Not for them to gainsay his plan.
“Is she the type who is oblivious the sun has risen because she’s too busy playing Minecraft?” Anna unwraps her baguette.
A shake of his head.
“Then trust me, she knows. Every guy she meets likes her. You’re a given. But you don’t act upon it. Ergo, you are her friend. As I said, if she liked you back, you’d know.”
“How would I know?”
“Does she flirt with you? Gaze at you with longing in her eyes? Lean into you? As if she wants to get closer? Let her hand fall on your arm and keep it there?” At Hugh’s silence, Anna says, “So, no, no, no and no.”
Then she follows up, urging, “Don’t do it!” but she still sees the light of hope in Hugh’s eyes, and she realises this is one of those times where you can give all the advice in the world, but the person is still going to do what they want to do. But what does she know? After all, she hadn’t foreseen the kiss from Tolly.
“There is one proviso.”
“There is?” Hugh gazes up at Anna hopefully.
“Is she an actress?”
Hugh shakes his head. “A schoolteacher.”
“In that case, my recommendation stands. Be her friend. Instead, ask her to set you up with someone. She’d probably love that.” Anna thinks of how much joy her sisters would probably get from setting her up, especially Lily.
A somewhat subdued Hugh clears his tray and walks out of the cafeteria. One by one, the others walk away until only Anna and Andy are left at the table.
“That was harsh,” Andy says. He looks down, then says, “How was America?”.
Anna is surprised. She wasn’t aware he knew she had gone. “Good,” she answers briefly.
“Now you’re back, would you like to get a drink sometime?” he says. He leans back slightly, one arm draped over a neighbouring chair.
Anna smiles. It’s like watching a mating ritual in a nature documentary. She doubts he does it on purpose, but she hears a distinctive voice in her head describing how the male of the species is showcasing his genitalia. Andy’s smile makes another appearance.
“And just to be clear, I don’t want to be friends. But I would like to demonstrate that all those years of anatomy were not wasted.”
Andy is exactly the sort of person she would normally date. Experienced, confident, self-obsessed. A man whose heart was unlikely to be crushed by her eventual and disinterest. Her head is telling her to take him up on his offer. To drive Tolly out of her mind with meaningless sex. It would also send a message to James about her genuine lack of interest in a relationship with him – killing Bella’s insinuations stone dead in a way words never could. But her heart is determined not to let go of its pain. When she looks within, she cannot find even the slightest fizzle of excitement for Andy.
“Thank you,” she says. “But no. I’m dealing with something at the moment. Ask me again in six months.”
Andy bunches one side of his mouth. “Sure?” he asks.
She nods. “Sure.”
“Okay.” He stands, pushing the chair back, and gives her a ridiculous little salute that makes her giggle and leaves. Anna sighs. Thinking of Tolly has cost her appetite, but her shift is not going to end for hours. She’ll be on call till the nightshift come on. Forcing the rest of her food down quickly, she makes her way back to work.
A laparotomy later, she’s about to head for a coffee when she gets a call to go to resus where an arrest is en route. The patient is grey and asystolic, but the team goes to work. Anna intubates as her colleagues all work together. This time, they win. The patient may still die in intensive care, but for now, the victory carries her forwards.
The evening is busy. An epidural is followed by another emergency call to resus. By the time Anna is free to go home, she is dropping with weariness. She is grateful for it. There has been no time to think about the Sexiest Man Alive nor to doubt her own decision. If only the week would continue like this. Then that week would be followed by another and another and soon, Tolly would be so far in the past she would struggle to remember the feel of him, the taste of his tongue in her mouth.