9. Richard
NINE
RICHARD
I had never believed in signs.
Things didn’t happen for a reason.
There’s no reason for someone you love to die. I couldn’t stand when people said that after Elliot’s death. Even after all this time, all the therapy, it still hurt. The pain would never go away. But there was no fucking reason for it to have happened; for me to have this pain.
But Jesus fucking Christ, some random guy that goes to my gym that works in my favorite bar that I decided to fuck one night – that you can’t forget about – has Elio for a middle name.
That was a pretty big coincidence, and one that I needed some time to process.
I knew my reaction had confused Ben. Thankfully, he was busy and it gave him an excuse to leave what had turned into our first awkward conversation.
What hadn’t been awkward was publicly spanking him and then talking about it later.
But this…feelings. That was awkward.
I looked at my watch. It’s not that late .
I needed to find someplace quieter though; it was way too loud in here for a phone call. As I headed towards the bathrooms, for once I hoped there weren’t any screamers having sex back there.
Holly answered right away. “A bit early to be calling me, isn’t it? They make pills for PE, you know.”
“Hilarious! Too bad there’s no cure for being an asshole.”
“Hey! You like assholes!”
I couldn’t help but laugh, taking some of the tension away. “That’s very true. Assholes are extremely special to me.”
“Speaking of assholes, how’s Ben’s this evening?”
When we talked last week I told her that me and Ben hooked up again. Not all the details, of course. I could’ve made some other guy up, some random story, but I didn’t.
“Is that why you’re calling? Is everything okay?”
I did my best to explain what just happened with Ben revealing his middle name and my subsequent semi-incoherent thought process.
“Ugh, men and their feelings. Have you tried talking to him about any of this?”
“Of course not. We said it was just one night.”
“And how many nights has it been?”
“Two.”
“And you’re at this level of investment after two nights? Doesn’t that tell you enough?”
“What if he doesn’t want anything more serious than a hookup?”
“Welcome back to dating. It’s a cold, cruel world. But from what you’ve said, he seems interested. If you don’t want it to be just sex anymore, then talk to him. Change the rules, Dickie. You have the power!”
“But-”
“You won’t know unless you ask. Just be honest with him. Honesty is sexy.”
She had a point. “Okay.”
“There you go!”
I took a breath and considered the implications of her advice.
“So…what do I say exactly?”
“Does he even know you were married?”
“No, I don’t think so.”
“Well, it’s the one thing that’s mucking the whole thing up for you. Decide if you want to tell him that or not, then go from there,” she said, before adding, “Tell him you want to go steady.”
“I am not saying that.”
“Worst case, it’s over and you can move on. Truly move on. Or maybe he just wants you to keep boning him. That wouldn’t be awful, right?”
“I think I could handle that.”
“Or you could keep doing what you’re doing – that is, Ben – and see what happens? Maybe you ask him out on an actual date instead of just bringing him straight back to your fuck palace? Oh, I like that idea, do that!”
“I haven’t gone on a date in over a decade, Holly.”
“At least think about it. It’s not that difficult. Take him out for ice cream after sex.”
“As a reward?”
“Yes.”
“That was rhetorical.”
“Could’ve fooled me.”
I let silence take over the conversation. She had given me a lot to think about and I was sure I could figure out what to do before Ben’s shift ended.
“Elliot wouldn’t want you fucking strangers for the rest of your life. It’s not a betrayal to want something serious again, and it’s not forgetting him either. There’s something to be said for waking up next to the same person every day, knowing they’re there for you when you need them, letting someone in.”
In the dark, musk-filled hallway leading to The Stable’s bathrooms – where guys were likely blasting their loads here, there, and everywhere – was not the place I imagined I would realize everything she was saying was true, but here I was.
“I hope your husband realizes how lucky he is,” I said.
“I keep his luck in my purse, right next to his balls.”
“Safest place.”
“You good, big bro?”
“I will be, little sis. Thank you.”
“Any time. Good luck.”
“Good night.”
I returned to the bar, where Ben was cheerful and smiling, and while sipping my next drink, tried to convince myself that I deserved to be as happy as he looked.
And maybe it was worth trying again.
“You wanna fuck me senseless here? Or are we going back to your place?”
I had to admire Ben’s forwardness. Not quite what I expected after he was so quiet during our first meeting.
Before I could answer, he added, “Sorry, maybe I shouldn't have said that.”
“Don’t be. Keeps it simple.”
So much for something more serious. At least fucking him senseless was enjoyable for me as well, though maybe I could still give it a shot after.
First things first though.
“Where do you want it?”
“Mouth first, then–”
“I mean where do you want to get fucked?”
“Like I said, my mouth first–”
“My place or somewhere here is what I meant.”
“Oh.” Ben buried his face into my chest and instinctively I wrapped my arms around him. “That was embarrassing.”
“Nice to know what you want,” I said.
Ben groaned then went silent. After a few seconds, he asked, “You good to fool around here again?”
“Eager for another spanking?”
Ben pulled back to look me in the eye. “If that’s what you want, but…”
“What is it?” I felt my brow furrow.
“I’ve been tested since Corey broke up with me and I haven’t been with anyone else since. Would you ever consider getting tested and maybe not messing around with anyone else while we fuck so–”
“You want to go bareback?”
Ben nodded. “I just thought I’d ask. It’s probably weird.”
“It’s not weird.” I remembered the delightful feeling of sex without a condom. It had been years, but still. “As it happens, I test regularly, but I can go this week, and same for me. Since we fucked, I haven’t been with anyone else.”
“Really?”
“Yeah.”
The music around us made his pause almost unnoticeable.
“Can I ask why?”
I had to admire the balls on this kid. Or maybe he was really just that much of a Boy Scout.
“I just didn’t feel like it.” That sounded a little too serious, so I added, “Saving my load for you, I guess.”
“Is that so?” Ben pressed against me. “I’ll have to get to work then. You must be ready to burst.” His hand traveled down to massage the bulge in my jeans.
“The Stalls,” I said. “Now.”
I didn’t waste time on his mouth.
Lube, fingers, condom. In a few minutes, I was fucking him senseless.
“Harder!”
Fuck, I was already smushing his face into the wall. What more did he want?
The sound of my body slapping into his muscular ass joined the other various noises permeating the Stalls. All the rooms were full, so we just dropped our pants and went at it like dogs in the hallway. It was part of the rush.
“So thick.” Ben rolled his head back and glanced back at me.
I leaned forward, grabbing his chin, and he took the hint and met my lips with his, our tongues surging together.
“Jack yourself off,” I said.
Ben moved his right hand from the wall to his cock.
“Tighten up that hole, boy. Daddy’s gonna fill you up.”
I glanced at the guy who said that and when our eyes met, he smiled and added, “You’re a fucking stallion, man.”
He stopped to lean against the wall and watch us.
I heard him compliment my ass as I pounded into Ben. It was still a bit shocking that someone seemingly so wholesome could take a dick as thick as mine without complaint.
“I’m almost there, Richard. Spank me,” Ben said. “Please.”
I slapped his ass. Hard. Even in the dim light, I could see the mark forming already.
“Again!”
With one hand on his shoulder, keeping him close to me, the other went to town on his pale ass. With every thrust or slap, it jiggled. His body was mesmerizing. It also helped that every time I spanked him, his hole tightened around my cock.
I could feel myself getting close, so I quit spanking him and used that hand for leverage, grabbing his hip. Wrapping my other arm around his neck, I pulled his body towards me. With his back arched, the stretch of his position made his muscles even more defined. Plus, our heads were close together now and I could hear all the little things he was whispering.
“I’m almost there.”
Filthy things.
“Fill me up. Gimme that load.”
It was too much and I went over the edge.
“I’m cumming!” I practically roared as I slammed into him when the first wave hit.
“Me too!”
Ben tried to continue jacking himself off, but his hands went to the wall to keep us from toppling forward. As I continued to thrust, riding the orgasm high down, I watched his cum spray in front of him, hands-free.
In a few more seconds, it was over. Ben slumped backwards, my dick still inside of him, and leaning against my chest, he said, “Your dick is the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”
I hadn’t felt so good after sex in a long time.
Ben was just so…genuine.
As I withdrew from him, he groaned and leaned against the wall while I carefully pulled the condom off. His hand found my cock before I could get my briefs up.
“Slippery” was all he said as he stroked it and I tried not to fall over.
“Want to get some ice cream?” I asked before I thought twice.
“Oh, I know the perfect place!”
I glanced around at the diner. It was modern enough, but made to look like one of those fifties diners that were popular in the eighties.
“Come here often?”
Ben smiled at my joke. “Kaleb and I just actually found this place. It has the best grilled cheese.”
“Then that’s what I’m ordering.”
“I thought we were getting ice cream?”
“I did say that, and if you want ice cream for dinner, I won’t spoil the moment. But feel free to order whatever you like.”
“To tell you the truth, I’m starving. I should’ve taken a break tonight, but we were too busy.”
“Do you like working there?”
“Oh yeah, it’s fun and the money’s good. Plus, it’s one of the few queer spaces in my life. That’s nice too.”
And getting fucked there probably didn’t hurt either. Too much, anyway.
We ordered and made small talk about our lives. I asked about school, impressed that he was going to Boston College. He asked about the gym and when I explained I had another job as well, he asked about that. To be honest, the gym was more exciting, but it didn’t make me as much money as the firm did.
It was on the tip of my tongue the whole time to mention Elliot but there was never a moment where it felt natural. Everyone important to me already knew about it. It wasn’t something I had to tell anyone anymore.
After we paid the bill – Ben insisted on paying for half – we made our way outside. The October chill was here and I’d be surprised if we didn’t have snow before the end of the month.
“So…” Ben said, hands in his hoodie pocket. “I’d invite you over, but I sleep on a couch.”
“We can go to my place if you want.”
“I didn’t mean to invite myself–”
“That’s not what happened,” I said, wrapping my arm around his body. “I want you to come over.”