Chapter 24 Caleb
Caleb
Brooke darts away like the building’s on fire. As if she felt the heat building in my chest and needed to flee from it as quickly as possible. I sag into one of the nearby chairs and bring my fist to my aching chest.
Is this how she felt when I left her at the Warehouse Party? The thought that I could hurt her this much crushes me completely. She probably felt worse because she’d actually kissed me. And I hadn’t kissed her back. Fuck.
The memory of that night has lingered in the back of my mind for years. Now it pushes its way to the front.
Everyone knew I was leaving, and the party was an unofficial send-off.
By midnight, there was only one person I hadn’t said goodbye to.
I hadn’t been able to keep my eyes off of Brooke all night.
She barely left the dance floor, dancing and singing to her heart’s content.
It was the first year Judy didn’t attend and Brooke was relishing in it.
She kept catching me glancing. I kept looking away.
Finally, she left the dance floor and came over to me.
I needed to say a quick goodbye and leave.
Even if it’d kill me to do it. I was moving in a few days, and nothing could ever happen with Brooke for roughly two dozen reasons.
But once she was finally standing in front of me, I couldn’t bring myself to say goodbye.
Her skin was dewy from dancing, cheeks a perfect shade of pink. The hairs around her face curling. She was a little tipsy and it was a lot adorable. I don’t remember the theme that year or what she was wearing, only that she looked beautiful.
“Hey,” she said, blue eyes sparkling through those dark lashes.
“Hey,” I replied.
A long pause.
We spoke at the same time. “Brooke.” “Caleb.”
An awkward laugh was all I could muster. I should’ve left then.
Brooke spoke first.
“Caleb, I know you’re leaving.” She placed a hand on my chest and lifted herself to the balls of her feet.
“But I’ve wanted to do this for a while.
” I should have stopped her, but I couldn’t.
Her soft lips brushed mine. Warm and smooth.
I savored the feeling for one devastating moment, before I came to my senses.
The senses that told me that as much as I wanted this, I couldn’t let it happen. Not now. Maybe not ever.
“Brooke,” I said, gently rocking her back on her heels. Her eyes were suddenly glassy, I hoped it was from the alcohol. “You don’t want to do this.”
“Yes, I do, Caleb.”
I winced at those words. She’d regret it in the morning; I was sure of it.
“You do, too,” she said smiling, reaching for my hand.
I pulled it away. Her lips parted, eyes welled with moisture. I did. God, did I want it. But I could either break her heart now or later. It’d be easier to do it now.
“I don’t, Brooke,” I said and took a step back.
“What do you mean you don’t?” Her voice cracked. “You do, I know you do.”
The music blared around us, but she spoke loud enough that people were staring. Maddie joined the fray.
“I’m sorry if I was lead—”
“Leading me on?” She blinked at me in disbelief. “Caleb, you drive me home every night, we talk for hours in your car. Then you look at me the way you do. The way you were looking at me a minute ago. I know you feel something for me.”
I felt too much for her. That was the problem.
“We’re just friends, Brooke,” I said, avoiding her eyes. The lie tearing at my heart as I told it.
She huffed out an agitated laugh. “Friends?”
“Yes, friends.” I wanted to take it back, but I couldn’t. It was better this way.
Brooke took a step back and shook her head.
“No, we’re not, Caleb,” she said. One single tear fell from her cheek. “Not anymore.”
I couldn’t look at her. Not when my hands shook and my eyes stung. I turned away from her and left.
I shake away the memory and follow Joey into the storage room.
Joey turns abruptly, dropping the chairs in his arms. “Dude!”
“What?”
“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?”
“Um…helping you with these fucking chairs, asshole,” I say, passing him to get into the storage closet.
“Go after her!”
“What?”
“Go. After. Her.” Joey enunciates each word. “Were you or were you not kissing Brooke in here before I opened the door and interrupted? Sorry about that, by the way.”
“I wasn’t kissing Brooke,” I say. I wish I had been.
“But you were about to, right?”
“Maybe…I don’t know…whatever.” I pull at my hair.
All my resolve from earlier in the week is gone.
“It’s for the best. Look how she ran out of here.
Like you saved her from making a huge mistake.
I thought there might be something between us again, but I was wrong.
Brooke deserves better than me, and her mom might actually disown her if she ever found out she’d so much as kissed me on the cheek. ”
“Oh, for fuck’s sake, Caleb. You’ve got to get over this idea that you aren’t good enough for her.
Why, because her mom’s a nightmare and Brooke’s the only one who doesn’t see it?
Who gives a shit! Brooke put herself on the line five years ago and you fucked that up.
It’s your turn now buddy.” Joey points a finger to the door. “Go!”
“But she ran, Joey!” I protest.
“Of course she ran, that was fucking awkward. But I saw you two tonight. I saw the way you look at each other. You’re down bad for each other. Just like you used to be. Stop trying to pretend you’re not. I’m only going to say it one more time…go after her.”
“Fine.” I toss my hands up in defeat. It can’t hurt worse than it does now, can it? I’m gone for her, but I’m not convinced she is for me. “If this goes to shit, it’s on you.”
“I’ll take that risk. Now get out of here! I’ve got these fucking chairs.”
I drive by Brooke’s street three times before I can bring myself to turn. I park in front of her house and walk up the driveway. It’s humid and muggy out, cicadas buzzing loudly. The outdoor light by the garage barely emits any light, and even if this all goes wrong, I’m replacing that bulb.
“Brooke,” I call from a few yards away. She’s grabbing something from the passenger side of the van.
She jumps and turns around. “Jesus Christ, Caleb! What the hell is wrong with you? You’re supposed to go out of your way not to scare women at night. Unless you’re here to kill me, in which case I should remind you about Mr. Edwards.”
This is off to a great start. I’d parked in the street so as not to alarm her by pulling into the driveway, only to scare the shit out of her anyway. “I’m sorry, I wasn’t thinking.”
She sighs, closing the passenger side door. “No shit.”
I rake a hand through my hair then shove my hands into my pockets, rocking on my heels. Brooke leans back against the van, arms crossed over her chest, on guard.
“It’s okay,” she says. “I mean, it’s not okay. Please don’t do it again, but thanks for apologizing.”
“Brooke—”
“Caleb, what are you doing here?”
My turn to put myself on the line. Now or never.
“I have to apologize for something,” I say, looking into her eyes. They’re tired from the long day but still have that spark I love. “A few things actually. I’m sorry about what happened back at the venue, I—”
“It’s okay. I mean it, this time it’s okay. You were having a panic attack, I helped you through it and whatever that was…after…it’s fine, don’t worry about it. I know how you feel about me, Caleb. It’s…it’s…okay.”
“Brooke, no.” I step toward her, slowly closing some of the space between us.
The knot of anxiety in my chest gets tighter.
“I don’t think you have any idea how I feel about you.
How I have felt about you for a long time.
And that’s my fault. I’m not sorry that I almost kissed you…
I’m sorry that Joey interrupted us. I’m sorry I didn’t kiss you. ”
She pushes herself off the van. Her lips part but words don’t come out.
“And I’m sorry I didn’t kiss you back five years ago.” I force the words out before I lose the nerve.
She releases a quiet scoff. “You didn’t just not kiss me back. You told me you didn’t want me. That you didn’t have feelings for me. That we were just friends.” She winces at the memory, looking at the sky. Looking anywhere but my eyes.
God, I don’t deserve her. Not after that. But I’m going to try. I take another step closer. Another risk.
“Those are the worst lies I’ve ever told,” I say.
She shakes her head. “Lies? Caleb, you can’t be serious. You pushed me away so easily. It sure felt like the truth.”
“Brooke, look at me please,” I say, reaching for her. She holds up her hand and I step back. “I’ve done it all wrong when it comes to you. I thought I was protecting you.”
“Protecting me? From what?”
“From me, Brooke. I couldn’t let anything happen between us. All I wanted to do was kiss you back that night. To stay here and be with you. But all I could think about was how bad I was for you.”
“Caleb,” she says with a sigh, finally looking at me, her eyes filled with sadness. “How could you have possibly been bad for me?”
I blow out a breath. “You know how I was back then. And you know what your mom thinks of me. She’s always looked down on me. I thought I was helping you not make a mistake you’d regret…I knew how much her approval meant to you, and you know she’d never be okay with you and me.
“Not kissing you back was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I’ve wanted you for years. Not kissing you each night when I dropped you off…it broke me little by little every single time. I couldn’t stay here and not be with you.”
“That’s why you left?”
I nod, looking down at my feet. “If I couldn’t have you, I had to get away. I had to make something of myself and hope you’d still want me by the time I did.”
“Couldn’t have me? I threw myself at you, in front of everyone. You could’ve had me!”
There’s a lump in my throat. “You don’t actually think that, do you, Brooke? Your mom…she had a plan for you, and I wasn’t a part of it. I’m not someone like Kent.”