Chapter 7
seven
A little while later, as I watched television from my couch, rapping sounded on the door. I grabbed the remote, shut the television off, and jogged to the door, then opened it.
Micah stood in the mid-morning sun, wearing a pair of gray board shorts and a black t-shirt. He held a backpack in one hand. His almost black hair, parted in the middle, hung down either side of his forehead, his bangs falling to just below his cheekbones. He focused his brown eyes on me. “Ready?”
“Yeah. What do you think we’ll need?” I glanced at the backpack, doing my best to keep from admiring the gorgeous face in front of me.
“Just some water and a sweatshirt, probably.”
I nodded, walked to my refrigerator, and grabbed two water bottles, then slid them inside a backpack next to a sweatshirt I’d already packed, sitting on the dinette. I picked it up. “Let’s go.”
Following him onto the walkway to the covered parking area, I asked, “My car or yours?”
“I’ll drive today.” He gave me a quick grin and slipped out a key fob to unlock his black Mercedes.
I climbed into the black leather seats and took in the small navigation screen, sitting over a plethora of knobs and round retro AC vents. “This is pretty lit.”
“Yeah, I like it. I’ve had it a few years.” He pushed a button to start it, and the engine purred. Backing out, he drove to Highway One.
I placed my elbow on the windowsill of the door and hooked my fingers around a handle above the window. “So, what trail are we hiking today?”
“We’re going up to Milagra Ridge, so we can see the old bunkers.”
“Very cool.” I needed to keep my eyes off him. I took in the ocean, peeking through small buildings on one side of the freeway and the rolling green hills in front of me.
He exited the highway and drove through a neighborhood with houses, all colored siding and shingle roofs, then stopped at a small parking lot. “We’re here.” He parked the SUV and turned the engine off.
I peered at the fog coming in. It might get cold out there. I stepped out of the SUV and opened my backpack, taking out a water bottle and the sweatshirt. I tied the sweatshirt around my waist and shut the door.
He did the same. “This way.” He waved his hand and walked toward a trail of indented dirt.
Following him, I observed the scrubby bushes and short pine trees. Good thing the fog was coming in. There wasn’t much shade. Out beyond, tall trees rose with spindly leaves. I pointed to them. “Hey, Micah, what are those tall trees?” So far, I was doing pretty well at keeping my emotional distance.
His gaze rose from the trail. “Oh, those are eucalyptus trees. They smell good, don’t they?”
I nodded. “So, that’s what makes the interesting smell around here.” I plodded up the trail.
“They’re originally from Australia and grow like weeds out here.” He glanced at me. “They cause a lot of fires, too.”
“Oh.” The trail rose in elevation, and the trees became denser. I took a sip of water, my mind filling with last night’s beach conversation. I couldn’t stop it. As I walked up the hill, I watched his back. “Hey, what are you thinking about?” What a stupid thing to ask. I winced.
He stopped, letting me catch up to walk beside him. “Last night.” A faint smile played on his lips.
“Yeah? Me, too. What about last night were you thinking about?” Even more stupid. What was I saying? I took deep breaths, stepping up the hill, the physical exertion calming me.
He focused on the trail. “It was really cool seeing you play your guitar and sing.”
“Yeah, well, I’ve been doing that for so long. It’s really easy.” I followed him to the top of a ridge, where a portion of the town of Pacifica and the ocean sprawled out around us. I forced my mind on the view. “Wow.” I sipped more water.
He stood beside me, drinking water. “Isn’t this an awesome view?”
“Yeah.” I looked over the sprinkling of white tops on the waves littering the ocean and the mixture of red tile and dark shingle rooftops on the buildings, making up the little section of town. My attention drifted toward him.
As he watched me, he chewed his lower lip.
I smiled, despite the pit forming in my stomach.
He released the lower lip on his very kissable mouth and his gaze fell to my lips. “This is stupid.”
“What is?”
He leaned in and placed a soft kiss on my mouth. “Being friends after last night. It’s stupid.”
My breath caught, and an ache rose in my chest. I wasn’t supposed to go there. “Micah, you didn’t want to start anything, remember?”
“Yeah, I know.” He swallowed, his throat dipping. “I just...” He took a few steps away from me, his head hanging.
“You just what?” I turned to follow him. I shouldn’t be doing this. I should stop it.
He looked at me full on with his big, expressive eyes. “I like you.”
Pain pricked my heart. “Yeah, well, it’s mutual. But you know that.” I clenched my jaw. I wouldn’t put up with this hot and cold game. I needed answers and something solid. “You need to tell me what happened.” I stepped closer to him and grasped his hands.
His eyes glistened in the sunlight. “What?”
“You heard me. Enough fucking around.” I squeezed his hands, forcing my heart to harden.
He shook our hands. “N-No.”
I squeezed tighter. “Stop it.”
With a growl, he wrestled free and twisted around, heading for the trail.
I snatched his wrist. “Stop this, Micah.” I held on tightly. I’d have my way this time.
Stealing a peek at me, tears tumbled down his face. “W-we were having a good time. Why would you bring that up?”
“You were right last night. What you’re doing is hurting me.” I fisted my free hand. My vision clouded, and I blinked. It was now or never. Maybe we could never be friends. I was kidding myself. The full weight of my emotions tore at me. I kicked a rock on the trail, tossing it over the edge of the hill, and snarled.
A weak sob broke free from his throat. “I’m sorry.” Facing away from me and moving as far away as my arm would allow, he said, “I killed my ex-boyfriend.”
“Holy fuck.” The air rushed from my chest. My heart thumped in my ears. “Are you shitting me?” I freed him and gave him a once-over, as if he were some rabid animal. “Why aren’t you in jail?”
He plunged to his knees on the dirt trail, dropping his head to his hands, and wept.
Stepping to him, I stared down at him. Should I touch him? I knelt next to him and placed a hand on his back. In a stern voice, I said, “Answer me. Why aren’t you in jail?” Was he connected with a mob? How wealthy was his family? Is he really a murderer?
Through broken weeping, he said, “H-he committed suicide. When I broke up with him.”
With a sigh, I plopped to my ass in the dirt, my knees drawn up. I rubbed my temple. “Jesus Christ, that’s not the same as murdering somebody.”
He quieted and peeked at me with wet eyes. “It feels the same to me.”
So, he was grieving the death of a lover, one whose death he thought was his fault. I knew some of that guilt. Hadn’t I felt at least partially responsible for Lane’s death? I scrambled to my knees, crawled to Micah, and draped my arms around him. “Damn it, Micah. It’s not the same. When people do that, it’s about them. It’s not about you.”
He laid his head against my shoulder and embraced me at the waist. “It was about me, though.”
“Come on, get out of the dirt.” I lifted him by the arms, and we both stood. “Settle down and tell me the entire story.”
He sniffled and wiped his cheeks. With his brows knitting, he said, “Matthew and I dated for about five months. I was never really all that serious about him, but he was crazy possessive. So, I sort of pretended, you know, to love him. It seemed to calm him down.” He stared at the ocean beyond the hill, his face growing slack. “About a week after I broke up with him, he tried to kill himself by slitting his wrists.” He grit his teeth. “His friend found him, and the doctors saved him. He kept calling me and wanting to see me. So, I gave in.” His gaze caught on mine. “I felt bad for him.”
I nodded. I’d be quiet so he would continue talking.
“But then, he started getting possessive again, and I made sure he understood it was over, that I didn’t love him back.” His breath hitched. “He fucking blew his brains out in my condo, right in front of me. I found him in my kitchen one night when I came home from work with a gun pointed at his head. He accused me of lying to him. Blood and brains went everywhere. All over me.” He released a sob.
“Holy shit.” I yanked him into a tight embrace and kissed the side of his head. In a gentle voice, I said, “I’m so sorry.” What else could I say?
“I don’t even know how he got in.” He grew quiet. In a whisper, he said, “He left me everything. His stock, his 401K, all his savings. They were all left to me.” He lifted his head, his eyes dark and unfocused. “I’ve been using the money to live on out here and get away from everything. I was so ashamed of what I did, of telling him I loved him when I didn’t. I didn’t know how else to deal with it.” He stared at nothing.
What horrible place had he gone to? “Micah.” I shook his shoulders.
He startled with a gasp, as if woken from a bad dream. Focusing on me, he said, “So, after hearing that, how can you say it wasn’t about me?” Tears welled in his eyes.
What could I say to help him? There had to be something. “Well, you said the guy was possessive. Maybe it was some sort of revenge.” I studied the effect of my words on him.
“That’s one hell of a fucking revenge.” With his brows lowered, he blinked, and a tear raced down his cheek. “Don’t you see? It was my fault. I pretended to love him when I didn’t. If I hadn’t done that, if I had just told him the truth before things got too crazy, he would still be alive.” He tensed his face, and wrinkles formed between his brows. “I’m a monster. I fucking killed him.”
I swiped my thumb over his blushed cheek, brushing away the wetness. “You’re not a monster. You made a mistake, but definitely not a monster.” Damn it, what else could I say?
“A deadly mistake.” He looked deeply into my eyes. “You must hate me now. If you don’t, you should.”
I hugged him to my chest. “No, I don’t hate you,” I said. “And I don’t think I should.” I kissed the side of his head. “Normal people don’t go out and do things like that. You don’t control the things people do, and it doesn’t help to think there is anything you could have done to change it.” I took a deep inhale. “If I consumed myself with thinking, I could have stopped my brother’s overdose, well, I don’t know where I’d be right now.”
“You sound like my therapist.” He released me, sniffling.
“Well, then I must be right. A therapist would know.” Seems I’d finally found the right words. I offered him a faint smile. “When did all this happen?”
He relaxed his jaw. “About two months ago. Maybe a little more.” As his gaze fell to the ground, he twisted and took a few steps toward the edge of the hill.
“When you said he was possessive, what did you mean by that?” Heat rippled through my chest. Did the asshole abuse Micah? This Matthew had been mentally abusive in death, that much was apparent.
He looked out on the view. “He was really jealous and didn’t like me being anywhere without him, not even with friends.”
“Did he ever hurt you, you know, physically?” I clenched my teeth. The fucker better not have?—
“Only once.” He breathed in deeply. “He thought I was interested in someone else. I was...but that was when I told him I loved him the first time. It settled him down.” He glanced at me. “You’re probably wondering why it ever got to that point. He wasn’t the sort of guy who listened to the word no .”
That explained the accusation on the beach. “That’s not right. What he did to you was not right.” My heart ached for him. What immense guilt he held onto for a man who wasn’t worth it. “No wonder you’re so messed up. Anybody would be.”
I walked toward him, toying with the hoop in my right ear. My mind replayed it all, the sitting on the beach, the late-night crying, the change in him when we went surfing, all the way to last night’s kiss. My pulse quickened. Now that I knew what he was facing, was it really something I wanted to take on? My heart did, and that much I knew. I sighed.
He turned his attention to me. “What are you thinking?”
With a shake of my head, I said, “I don’t know. Guess I need some time to process all of this.”
“Thought so.” He stomped past me and onto the path, taking quick strides.
I should have taken him into my arms again. If it had been last night, I would have, without hesitation and been happy he’d changed his mind. But things were clearer today.
I jogged to catch up to him and walked beside him on the path, stealing glances at him. I pursed my lips and thought things over. Now that I knew what I was up against, how did I feel? I couldn’t deny what my heart wanted. The potential was there for much more, maybe even more than I’d ever had.
As we continued down the trail, one side held a view of the town and ocean and the other, scrubby brush and hills. We came to a broken, paved road.
He strode on the road, his focus on the path.
I did my best to stay beside him. If I allowed my heart to fully open to him, was he even able to return the feelings? Or was he too broken for that?
My gaze found what appeared to be a circular concrete drive surrounding a crumbling cement marker. A pattern of driftwood was placed around the marker at the drive’s edge. Beyond lay a bunker tucked into the hillside, a pattern of concrete angled out from underneath and a set of square walls tucked into it. Glass doors made up the entrance. Chains secured the doors.
He stood in front of the structure and pointed at the marker in the circle. “This is where one gun was.” He then pointed behind him. “This is Battery number two-four-four. There are two entrances. This is the main entrance. It runs under this hill and comes out over there.” He pointed over the hill.
What the hell was he talking about? I stared at him, then twisted around, taking in the expansive view around us, the fog bank meandering above, the ocean waves twinkling out at sea, the far-off bluffs. “What are we doing here?”
“I’m telling you about the bunker.” He huffed. “You wanted to see this, right?”
“Yeah, I did.” I stepped closer, standing in front of him. Something in his eyes stopped me. Vulnerability mixed with pain, maybe? I needed to try. I couldn’t deny it any longer. All I wanted was to take him away, to keep him safe from everything. “But what I want more is to be with you.”
He gasped, his mouth falling open as his brows drew together.
“I don’t want to be friends. I want to be your lover.” I grabbed his shoulders and crushed my lips to his in an intense kiss.
Kissing me back, his mouth opened, letting my tongue explore.
I broke the kiss, resting my forehead against his. “Can you handle that?” Please say yes .
Nodding, his eyes sparkled, and he blinked a few times. “S-so you don’t care about how messed up I am?”
“No, I care. I want to be there for you and help you heal.” My insides threatened to twist, and I took a sharp inhale. I was doing the right thing. “I want you to let me.” I placed a gentle kiss on his lips. “Do you think you can do that?” Please, just say yes.
He nodded again. “I’ll do my best.” A faint grin ghosted across his lips.
“So, you’re sure that you want this?” I tightened my grip on his shoulders, needing to hear him say it.
“Yes, I’m sure.” A full-on smile swept over his face.
“No more indecision.” I had to hear it again, to be absolutely sure. I looked deeply into his eyes, searching for the conviction I wanted to see there. “No more back and forth. What you want and what you need are the same things.”
“Yes. I want you, and I need to be with you.”
My heart swelled with warmth and I threw my arms around him, yanking him into a tight embrace. Emotion welled up, threatening to overwhelm me as my heart opened completely, the walls I’d built crumbling away. I buried my face in his neck, letting the wave of fear pass through me. It would be okay.
* * *
Micah pulled the Mercedes into a parking spot at the Devil’s Slide Taproom, cut the engine, and gave me a smile. “Here we are, again.”
“Think Ally will get sick of us?” I asked, stepping out of the SUV and stretching my legs.
“No, I always tip her well.” He climbed out and locked the car with a soft chirp.
“She’s always here, isn’t she?” I tugged my sweatshirt over my board shorts, glancing at the fog curling through the parking lot.
“She’s got kids to support.” He came around to meet me, his hand slipping easily into mine, and my chest warmed. He led me toward the restaurant’s doors, his fingers snug against mine.
Inside, I flipped my hood up, trying to stay as invisible as possible. Micah led us to the corner of the bar, where I slid onto one of the slatted stools. I ducked my head, keeping my gaze low. Definitely not in the mood to be noticed.
He sat beside me just as Ally came out of the kitchen. She grinned when her gaze snagged on us. “Oh, you two again.” She dropped menus in front of us, her tone teasing. “Wheat and?”
“IPA,” I said, flashing her a quick smile.
She nodded and disappeared to pour the beers. A few moments later, she returned, setting the glasses in front of us. We both ordered burgers, and once she was gone, I turned toward Micah.
I leaned in a little, smiling. “So, tell me more about you.”
With a soft chuckle, he said, “What do you want to know?”
I tilted my head, studying him. “How about your last name? I just realized I don’t know what it is.” How was it possible for him to look even better in this dim bar light?
“Knowles,” he said, sipping his beer. “Micah Knowles.”
“Micah Knowles,” I said. I liked the sound of it. I traced a slow circle on the bar with my finger. “So, have you ever been in love?”
His gaze flicked to mine, and the corner of his lips quirked. “Of course.” He gulped his beer. “Haven’t you?”
I hesitated and thought it through. “I don’t know, actually.” I took a long drink. “I’ve never really had time for that.”
Narrowing his eyes, he said, “That’s not good.”
“I mean, when I was in high school, I dated a girl for about a year. I think I was in love with her,” I said.
He raised a brow. “Okay, but no boys?”
My stomach twisted. Wells’s face flashed in my mind, but that wasn’t something I was ready to get into. “Maybe,” I said, avoiding his gaze. “But nothing serious.”
He shifted toward me, his expression tightening. “You’re scaring me a little here.”
I grabbed his forearm. I needed him to understand. “Don’t be. You’re different.” In a soft voice, I said, “Completely, utterly, and hopelessly different.”
His features softened, but his eyes narrowed further. “I hope so,” he murmured, biting his lip. “Tell me more about you. Are your parents still together?”
I smirked. “Yeah. Weird, huh?”
He nodded. “Any other siblings?” His eyes widened slightly, and he flinched. “Oh, I’m sorry. I mean, you know...”
“It’s okay.” I gave him a reassuring smile. “No, I don’t have any other siblings.”
The weight between us seemed to lift. For the first time, talking felt easy, like the barriers had finally come down.
Ally returned with our burgers, setting them in front of us. She leaned in, placing her hands on the back bar, smirking. “Hey, what kind of shot do you want?”
I frowned. “What?”
She cocked her head toward the far end of the bar. “There’s a guy down there who knows who you are and wants to buy you a shot.” Her eyes flicked to Micah. “Both of you.”
My gaze followed hers, and I looked down the bar.
A young man with a manicured beard, wearing a brown fleece, raised his beer to me and nodded.
I grinned and nodded back, then focused on Micah. “Uh, how about a shot of bourbon?” I glanced at Ally. “You got any Knob Creek?”
“Sure.” She tapped the top of Micah’s hand. “Is that what you want, too?”
“Yeah, why not.” He nodded and turned his head toward the bearded man, wrinkling his nose. “Doesn’t look like your type.”
I chuckled. “No, he’s not. You are.” I yanked my hood around my face with one hand, leaned over, and placed a quick kiss on his cheek.
A wide smile swept over his face. He came close and whispered, “Next time, warn me so I can turn my head.”
“Okay.” A shiver crept up my spine, and I squeezed his thigh under the bar.
Ally set two shot glasses filled with caramel liquid on the bar. “Just so you know, I think word’s getting out that you’re in town and you come here. Those girls you were talking to the other day? They come in everyday now.”
I squirmed in my seat. “Okay, thanks.”
She jogged off, and I raised my glass to the young man down the bar. “Thanks.”
The young man smiled at me and raised his beer again.
I gulped the bourbon down and hissed. “Damn.” I hadn’t had hard liquor since the tour. I was out of practice.
Micah held up his glass but took a sip instead and set the glass down. Giving me a pointed look, he said, “So, should we stop coming here?”
“Not yet. I mean, it’s not like there are crowds of girls outside screaming to get in and see me.” I laughed. Thank God it wasn’t like that. I liked my freedom.
He shook his head and smiled, then his smile waned. “There’s something we should talk about.”
“What’s that?” I drank my beer.
“Being gay around here isn’t a big deal. But people recognize you. You aren’t out in your professional life, are you?” He sipped more bourbon.
I hadn’t really thought about it. “Not really.” I furrowed my brows. “I’ve never really hid it. There are things posted on social media, fan pages and stuff. But there’s nothing official. I try to stay away from all that. I don’t like reading what people post about me. It’s weird.” I shrugged. “It’s nobody’s business but my own.”
“But you’ve never had an openly gay relationship, right?” He breathed in. “Like, what circumstances have you been in with guys?”
I twisted my mouth. Was it time to tell him about Wells? I wasn’t sure. “I’m not sure how much you really want to know.” I grinned. “On tour, it was a free-for-all. I’ve had both in my bed.”
Ally set our burgers down in front of us. “Enjoy,” she said, walking away.
He wrinkled his brows. “You mean you were a slut?” He snickered and picked up his burger.
With a laugh, I said, “Do you have to put it like that?” It was true, though. I slid a fry into my mouth and chewed.
“No more being a slut, okay?” He flashed his eyes at me, picking up his burger.
“Sure.” I gave his thigh another squeeze. I wanted to touch him higher. “As soon as you clean your apartment.”
He scoffed. “Only if you help me.”
I bit into my burger. “I’ll help you.” Lowering my brows, I said, “Are you always a slob, or is that mess a result of what you’re going through?” I had to know it wasn’t drugs.
With a frown, he focused on his plate. “I’m not as neat as you are. But yeah, I just haven’t had it in me to keep things cleaned up.”
I nodded, chewing more burger. “How about we go clean it up after this?”
He huffed. “I suppose.”
* * *
After eating, I followed Micah up the walkway to our apartments. “Do you have garbage bags?”
He glared at me. “Yes, I have garbage bags.” He unlocked his door. “Do we really have to do this right now?” He opened the door. “I’m kind of tired.” He stepped into his apartment.
“When else would you want to do it?” I came up behind him and surveyed the mess. Maybe it worried me more than it should.
He shut the door, wrapped his arms around my neck, and gave me a hard kiss. “Later.”
Giving him another kiss, I wound my arms around his hips. “There’s no place to even sit in here.”
“We could go to your place.” A wicked grin played on his lips.
I set my forehead on his and swayed us, lust shivering up my spine. “That is an offer I’d love to take you up on after we clean this place.” My cock certainly had other ideas, but I couldn’t let him live like this. It was the first step to help him heal. I would see it through.
He released me. “Fine.” He stomped to the kitchen, opened a cabinet under the sink, and took out a box of garbage bags. “Let’s clean.” As he walked into the hallway, he rolled his eyes.
I pulled a garbage bag from the box and walked through the apartment, filling it with trash. The place wasn’t that big. It wouldn’t take very long.
Striding out from the hallway with a container holding cleaning supplies, he set it on a dinette outside the kitchen area, then walked to the sink and turned on the water.
After picking up all the trash, I went around the main room collecting clothes. “Are these all dirty?”
“Probably.” He rinsed dishes and set them in the dishwasher.
“I assume you have a laundry bin in the closet?” I strolled to the hallway with a handful of black hoodies and jeans. How much black did he own?
“Yes.” He wiped the countertop down.