Phoebe
T he following morning, water dripped down ’s face as she washed away the mascara stains with Axel’s array of skincare products. His shaved head probably gives him a bigger budget for skincare, she thought, drying her face. At least she no longer resembled a swollen panda.
Closing the sliding bathroom door behind her, she rolled down the sleeves of Axel’s hoodie, then found a pair of his grey sweats and pulled them on over her dress. I hope he doesn’t mind, she thought. I wouldn’t take them if I wasn’t so freaking cold! She’d wash and return them when she could.
He’d probably stayed with the others last night , She hadn’t meant to take over his bed, but she couldn’t even remember falling asleep.
Axel being a foot taller than her meant the sweats bunched at her ankles, but the oversized set made her feel safe and she enjoyed the spicy tang of his cologne. She had never noticed how good he’d smelt; then again, Axel never got close enough for her to find out. She ran her hands through her hair, unable to believe where she was and how she’d got here. Flashbacks of Cillian’s dressing room tormented her and she rubbed her eyes, wishing them away.
After crying herself to dehydration last night, her thirst drove her to the kitchen. opened the divider and stumbled over her bag with a loud curse. She winced as a low groan told her she wasn’t alone. Axel sat up in a makeshift bed in the middle of the breakfast area.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you,” said. As if she wasn’t feeling enough already, her brain added embarrassment and anxiety to the mix.
“Too late to be sorry. I’m up now.” Axel stretched his tattooed arms above his head.
Confirmed. Axel Adler is NOT a morning person.
Despite having been around each other for the last five years, she knew very little about him.
averted her eyes from his bare, muscular chest. Drumming is certainly a good workout. Sometimes he’d perform shirtless, so she shouldn’t have felt bashful, but she’d never been alone with a half-naked man other than Cillian before.
“I didn’t mean to fall asleep here. I only closed my eyes for a second,” she said, hoping he wasn’t put out about having to sleep on the breakfast table. “Also, I borrowed some sweats, I didn’t want to stay in my dress and it’s cold.” She stumbled over her words, and her brain told her to shut it.
“They look good on you.” Axel’s yawned words were barely audible as he got up.
She didn’t know what to say, and thankfully he filled the silence.
“You fell asleep last night without eating.” Axel grabbed the blanket from the pull-out and tossed it onto the cushioned bench beside her. Her stomach groaned on cue.
“Just give me a second to put the table back together, and I’ll order us some breakfast,” he said gruffly, and when he turned around, she tried not to stare at his broad shoulders.
She didn’t have the energy to argue. To give him some privacy, she went back to the bedroom with the navy blanket. To her relief, she heard him turn the heating on. What she didn’t expect was for him to appear in the doorway and offer her a cup of tea.
“Thank you.” smiled softly and took the mug eagerly.
“You said you were cold,” he said, placing a handful of sugar sachets in her hand before she had a chance to ask.
“I don’t think I need that many.” She blushed, nervous about how to be around him. He seemed just as uncertain as he kept his distance, lingering in the doorway with his hands in his pockets.
“The sugar is good for the shock. My mum used to make sweet tea after a bad day.”
The detail was far more intimate than she was used to getting from him. She put the sachets she didn’t need down beside her and sipped her tea. She felt him watching her like she was going to burst into tears at any minute.
“I should go,” said, not wanting to overstay her welcome.
Axel scrubbed his hand over his shaved head and glanced over his shoulder to the door as though waiting for something. She hoped he hadn’t called the others. She couldn’t handle seeing them, certainly not Cillian.
“You should finish your tea first, and one of the security guys has gone to get us breakfast. I didn’t think you’d want to eat with the others.”
His kindness nearly got her tears going again.
“Can I ask you a question?” she said.
“That’s a question.”
His black sweatpants hung low on his hips, and she could make out the tattoo of an angel with a sword on his hip. Stop staring, she scolded herself, focusing on her tea. He followed her gaze to his hip and walked towards her. She backed up a little on the bed, unsure of what he was about to do.
“You had a question?” he asked, reaching up over her head to a cabinet. He pulled out a worn-out band T-shirt.
“Have you seen The Devil Wears Prada ?” she asked, while he shrugged on the T-shirt.
“Yes,” he admitted, sipping on his black coffee. The smell was tempting, but she didn’t think caffeine would do her any good right now. “I’ve got sisters. I couldn’t avoid rom-coms.”
“You know that scene where Stanley Tucci talks about how your personal life going up in flames means it’s time for a promotion?” hugged the warm mug to her chest as she gathered the courage to express her feelings. She wasn’t as close to Axel as she was to her brother or August, so he was the only one she could ask. “Is this the price of my art career taking off? I lose him. I know it sounds ridiculous, but it’s like the more successful we each became, the further we drifted apart.”
“Don’t ever think your success played any part in his actions. You didn’t lose him because of your art. Cillian lost you because he’s a cheating arsehole who didn’t appreciate what he had,” Axel said, angry enough for both of them.
Too tired to be angry or sad, a numbness settled over . “I think that’s the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me,” she said.
“Don’t get used to it,” he said teasingly. “I just don’t want you to ruin any more of my clothing with your tears.”
rolled her eyes.
“I can drive you back to your hotel once the food arrives. I wasn’t sure if you’d want to talk to Cillian first before heading back to your hotel?” he asked, putting his mug in the sink, not meeting her gaze.
He probably feels uncomfortable caught in the middle, she realised.
“I don’t want to speak to him or anyone,” she sighed, and Axel shifted uncomfortably. “I mean, I’m here, so I’ll talk to you,” she clarified.
“How considerate of you,” he said with a smirk. His strong jaw flexed, and with his shaved head, tattoos and sullen expression, he looked a little frightening. Maybe he liked people to think he was scary so they’d leave him alone, but given he’d saved her from the press last night, let her stay in his bed and borrow his clothes, she knew he had a good heart beneath his hard shell.
“Thank you for talking me out of confronting the press last night. I doubt I would’ve given them a single coherent quote, and they’d probably have reported that I was hysterical or intoxicated.”
Making a scene at a concert only twenty-four hours after her exhibition closed wouldn’t have done her any favours, and she wasn’t going to let Cillian taint her success.
Axel opened his mouth to speak, but then the bus door opened and she remembered the breakfast he’d ordered. The thought of food brought her some joy. However, the sudden sight of Cillian’s beetroot face made her want to jump out one of the tinted windows. Coming face to face with the man she loved so much broke her heart all over again.
“It’s been less than twelve hours, and you have my fiancée in your bed?”
Both were startled by Cillian’s accusation as he charged towards them. He was wearing the same clothes as last night and his hair was greasy—he hadn’t even washed since he was with her .
“First of all, fuck you,” she snapped. “Second, even if we slept together, it would be none of your business. We broke up the second I saw you with another woman. You didn’t even lock the door.”
When Axel stepped between them; she wasn’t sure which of them he was protecting. The one person she’d never thought she’d need protection from was Cillian. The thought made her ill—how could this be the man she’d agreed to marry?
Enraged, Cillian grabbed Axel’s T-shirt, causing him to drop his mug. gasped, but Axel didn’t even flinch as the hot coffee pooled around his bare feet.
Yesterday’s rage flooded back into her.
“Get off him!” barked, shoving Cillian back.
Cillian stumbled back wide-eyed. He didn’t say a word as she turned to Axel.
“Thank you for the safe space and the tea, but I’m leaving,” she said, refusing to glance in Cillian’s direction.
She put on her heels, but she kept on Axel’s clothes. Going out in her dress felt too revealing, and she didn’t want Cillian to see even an inch of her skin.
“You aren’t going anywhere until we’ve talked.” Cillian looked past her, sneering at Axel as though this was all his fault.
They both ignored him.
“Let me call you a taxi,” Axel offered, but didn’t want to stay a moment longer in Cillian’s company.
“She’s my girlfriend, stop with the Prince Charming act,” Cillian barked.
Axel chuckled, not helping the situation. stared at them, feeling like she’d missed the joke.
“I’m not your girlfriend, and stop acting like this is his fault.” She grabbed her bag, sick of his temper tantrum. “Axel helped me while you were sobering up with your other girlfriend.”
She was out the tour bus before either of them could stop her. She heard raised voices behind her, but didn’t dare look back.
Walking through the empty parking lot, she wished she’d never come to Munich. Twenty-four hours ago, she thought, I had a sell-out exhibition, I quit my day job and was engaged to the love of my life. Now, I’m trying to escape my cheating ex with a lump in my throat the size of Ireland and I wish I hadn’t worn these damn heels .
Her sadness was replaced with irritation when she reached the booth by the security gate, and the guard looked her over like she was a groupie doing the walk of shame.
“Can you open the gate? I want to leave,” asked politely.
“Just need you to sign out beside where you signed in.” He pushed a clipboard with a list of names through the gap in the protective window.
“I didn’t sign in,” she said. She could sign out beside someone else’s name, but if he checked her ID it’d look suspicious.
The guard’s eyes narrowed, and he took back the clipboard. “How did you get into the venue?”
A gargled voice came through the radio on his shoulder. She waited impatiently as he finished replying in German.
“My brother is in the band,” she said, “but I didn’t come in with them. Does it really matter? Please let me out.”
She immediately regretted her tone when he radioed in German so she couldn’t understand. Last night she couldn’t get in, and now they didn’t want to let her out.
Can I please get back to my hotel without another argument?
A car horn made her jump.
“Get in the car!” Cillian called out through the car window.
ignored him and waited for the guard to open the gate. Instead, he sealed the window to his booth, leaving them to it.
“They aren’t going to let you out without my permission,” Cillian said.
So that’s what the urgent radio message was, she realised, turning to face him. A black Porsche? That’s new.
“I don’t want to be in the same country as you, let alone the same car.” She crossed her arms over her chest, trying to compose herself.
“Get in the car, you’ll be mobbed by fans out there.”
Where had this sudden concern come from? He’d just been on a rampage about her sleeping with one of his best friends. The dark circles under his bloodshot eyes confessed how hungover he was, so it made sense he wasn’t thinking rationally.
“Why do you care what your fans do to me? You’ve hurt me far more than they ever could. Holding me here against my will isn’t going to make me forgive you. Why don’t you go have breakfast with that woman—her name’s Helen, right? Show her the sights, and I’m sure soon you’ll forget we ever existed. In fact, why don’t you give her this?” threw her engagement ring through the window, hoping the diamond would do some damage to his smug face.
The booth window reopened. “Is this woman a threat to you?” the guard asked sternly.
“No. My fiancée has a stubborn streak.” Cillian’s smug smile made her want to scream.
If looks could kill, Cillian would have disintegrated.
“I’m not your fiancée, or your girlfriend. I don’t even know you.” She turned to the security guard. “This man is bothering me, please open the gate.”
“There is quite the crowd out there, sir.” The guard ignored her and addressed Cillian. “Are you sure you don’t want to call your personal security to escort you?”
“He isn’t escorting me anywhere. Open the gate.”
“Just get in the car!” Cillian banged on the car door, startling her. “Stop making this man’s job harder. If something happens to you then he could lose his job, and Nick wouldn’t want you leaving on your own.”
“Then why didn’t he come?” asked. She considered calling her brother, but they’d agreed long ago that they wouldn’t get involved in each other’s relationships.
“Who do you think sent me to fix this? Please let me explain, and if you still hate me by the time I’m done, you’ll be back at your hotel, and you can slam the door in my face.”
As much as she hated him, she was tired of his pleading and the security guard’s judgemental stares. A twenty-minute drive of his excuses, and then she could pack her bags and leave. Without a word, walked to the passenger door, and pulled it open.
“Thank you,” Cillian said, motioning to the security guard.
“Don’t thank him for forcing me to get into the car with you,” she grumbled, placing her bag on her lap.
Despite the early hour, the gate opened to dozens of screaming fans. dipped her head to conceal her face, not wanting to be photographed as they drove away from the stadium. Yesterday, she would’ve been proud to sit by Cillian’s side. Now, tears burnt her tired eyes, and she refused to let him or the fans see her cry.
“Are you ever going to look at me?” Cillian asked, shifting gears.
“Why would I want to look at you? It would only remind me of what I saw last night. Of what you did to me, to us!” choked back her emotions and focused on the streets outside.
“I’m sorry you had to see that,” he said. “I was on a high from the show, and in other ways. We were celebrating, and she was there. It happened so fast, and then you were standing there, and I panicked. There’s been so much going on and I feel like I’m disappointing everyone. I messed up, but please don’t let this be how we end.” His excuses sounded rehearsed.
Though her heart wanted to believe him, remembering how Helen had reacted, like was the one in the wrong, made her believe this was more than one mistake. Had he been cheating every time he was stressed or away from home?
“Don’t put this on me. You ended us the moment you slept with her. I apologised for you when people asked why you weren’t at my exhibit, when you missed my birthday or forgot to call on Valentine’s Day. I made every excuse for you, and you couldn’t even respect me enough to break up with me before screwing your make-up artist.”
“I should’ve known you secretly resented me,” he huffed. “I can’t believe you’re bringing all this up now. I thought you understood my responsibilities and that I can’t always be there.”
“This isn’t about resentment but respect. I’ve been there for you every step of the way since we were fourteen. I believed in you when you wanted to give up. I cheered when no one else did—but what I didn’t know was that you were too busy partying and cheating to be there for me. You didn’t even call me yesterday.” She tried not to let her voice crack. “You didn’t even lock the fucking door.”
“Why are you so obsessed with the door?” he snapped.
“Because you didn’t care who walked in! You didn’t care who found out. You didn’t care that I’d be humiliated, the clueless idiot always talking about how lucky I am to have you and how we were so lucky to find each other. Does everyone know about the two of you?”
“It was only one time—”
“Don’t you dare lie, or I swear I will jump out of this moving car.”
“It’s complicated. You haven’t been around, and I didn’t have anyone to talk to.”
“So it’s my fault?” she gasped.
“No, I made the mistake and I’ve apologised. Why are you making this so hard? I’m trying my best to keep us together.” He banged his palm against the steering wheel, and the car shook. She froze in her seat, terrified he’d lose control of the car.
“Keep us all together?” She wanted to laugh, but feared his reaction. “If you love me so much, why didn’t you come after me last night? You stayed with her,” she said. “Axel had been the one to chase me down when it should’ve been you, the person I promised to spend the rest of my life with.”
“Nick locked me in my dressing room to sober up. I was out of my mind, then I passed out. I didn’t know you were with Axel, and he had no business getting involved. I only found out where you were this morning when I met the others for breakfast.”
He swerved to avoid a cyclist, and she gripped the side of the door. With the way he was driving she needed him to focus more on the road and less on her.
“You’ve no right to be angry at Axel, he has nothing to do with this. If anything, you should be thanking him for stopping me from leaving,” said as he turned down a narrow street.
“Oh, I’m sure he was happy to keep you company. You’re so naive,” he scoffed.
She hated his insinuation. “Naive enough to believe you wouldn’t cheat on me.”
She focused on the sunrise; it shouldn’t be long before they were at the hotel.
He took a deep breath. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have accused you both, but seeing you on his bed in his clothes… I lost my mind, and I don’t want to lose you.”
His gaze fixed on her, waiting for her to respond.
“Eyes on the road,” she snapped.
“I’ll spend the rest of my life making it up to you. I wouldn’t be me without you. You’re my muse.” His eyes were on the road again, but he didn’t slow down.
“If we were meant to be together, then you wouldn’t have needed to find comfort in someone else. Some time away from each other might be what’s best for us. You’ll have to find another muse.”
She tried to keep her calm as he ran a red light.
His nostrils flared. “What about the songs we made together? Without your lyrics, we would be nothing. You can’t just give up on us.”
couldn’t believe what she was hearing.
“Is it me you don’t want to lose or the songs? I never considered you were keeping me around as a song factory. Is that why you proposed, to make sure you didn’t lose your writing partner? It’d make it much harder for me to break up with you if we were married.”
“Don’t be ridiculous, I love you! We’ve written together since forever. It has nothing to do with our engagement. I just want you to know how much I love you, how much I need you.”
Need me? She had never asked for song credit or payment, and even agreed to keep her involvement from the other members of the band because she didn’t want her brother knowing she helped write their songs. But now, it just made their relationship feel like a business arrangement.
“Do you love her?” she asked, not letting memories of the past sway her. “Since Helen looked at me like I was the other woman, she has feelings for you.”
“Does it matter?” Cillian rolled his neck like her words irritated him. “You’re going to throw away over a decade together because of how she looked at you?” The anger she’d witnessed in the tour bus crept into his words. “You don’t know the whole story!” Cillian banged the steering wheel again and again, and she flinched away. She’d never seen him act this way.
“Does it matter? Clearly not, since you threw away a decade together for something you can’t even explain. I’ll explain for you then: you were drunk, high, missed me, lonely, got caught up, and my personal favourite, she threw herself at you and you couldn’t resist?” She was losing her patience. “At least tell me how long you’ve been cheating. Since we’ve been engaged or before?” She didn’t want the details, but she wanted him to face what he’d done.
“You’re putting words in my mouth. Why can’t you understand the pressure I’m—”
“Just save your breath. I’m glad she was around to give you the release you needed.”
’s cheap shot earned her the silent treatment. Cillian sped up, and she realised they’d been driving far longer than necessary. There was little to no traffic on the roads this early, and the speed he was doing had her heart hammering.
“What are you doing? You said you’d take me to my hotel,” she asked, whipping her head around to watch the hotel disappear behind them. “Please slow down, you’re going to kill us!”
He took a sharp turn and clipped a bollard. The car shuddered on impact, but luckily they didn’t spin out. She let out a sigh of relief, but it was short-lived.
“Not until you tell me that you can forgive me. I can’t lose you,” he said, and sped down a narrow lane.
screamed as they clipped the curb on the next turn. Blaring horns echoed behind them, and she prayed police would pull them over soon.
“Please pull over, and we can talk. I promise I’ll listen if you just pull over.”
He ignored her and ran a red light, cutting across traffic at a busy intersection.
“We’ve never been apart; I can’t do any of this without you. I haven’t come up with anything for the next album. Writing with you ruined me. Loving you has ruined me. You can’t give up on us.” Every word was frantic, but she wasn’t even sure if he was talking to her.
The tires screeched, and they swerved violently. ’s scream cut out as her head knocked against the window. Disorientated by the blow, she begged him to stop. Cillian locked eyes with her. His lips were moving, but she couldn’t hear him. Glass shattered, and she raised her hands to protect her face. The air was knocked from her lungs as she was flung forward, and the seatbelt cut into her. The cry of grinding metal replaced the sound of morning traffic, and then everything went still.