Phoebe
I had sex with Axel Adler! sat up, her body aching from their late-night sex-capade. She stretched her arms above her head, feeling the pull of the second skin on her tattoo. Forty-eight hours, and so much had changed. She ran her hands through her hair, brushing the strands from her face as she noticed Axel’s side of the bed was cold.
“God, I’m starving.”
’s grumbling stomach forced her out of bed. The sun beaming in through the sheer curtains reminded her of their plans to spend their last day at the beach.
The second skin masked her new ink in the bathroom mirror, and as much as she wanted to peel it off, she’d have to wait another twenty-four hours before she’d get to see it properly.
After a quick shower, she’d just finished drying her hair when she heard knocking. She’d figured Rowena might stop by. She tossed on a pair of denim shorts and Axel’s T-shirt from the bedroom floor and she started to head downstairs, but froze at the top of the staircase when she saw Anita thrusting a tabloid into Axel’s chest. What the hell was she doing here?
“Are you out of your mind? Coming here and letting yourselves be photographed on a cosy night on the town?” Anita snapped, storming through the front door.
“Nice to see you too, Anita, please come in.”
“Read this. There’s going to be nothing nice about this visit.”
‘“Brothers of Anarchy’s deranged fan sends a box of razor blades to the ex-girlfriend of the late Cillian Hunt after she moves into the house with remaining members.’”
’s stomach dropped listening to Axel read the cover. She waited for him to follow Anita into the kitchen before tiptoeing down the stairs to listen in.
“Where’s ? She needs to be a part of this,” Anita barked.
“She’s upstairs, sleeping. I’ll tell her when she wakes up,” Axel said. “Why is confronting her important? didn’t leak this to the press. She was scared and didn’t want us to overreact. You told her to lie low, but even leaving the country didn’t even make a difference.”
Axel’s defence of her only made her fall harder.
I was right—the media could’ve only found out if the person who sent the package leaked it themselves. shook her head in disbelief. She’d hidden the evidence in the recycling bin, and that was sure to be long gone now. I should go out and explain, she thought, but she tugged at the hem of Axel’s T-shirt. Anita would have a heart attack if she realised they were together.
“Lie low?” Anita scoffed and pulled out her phone. “I think you’re trying to make my job difficult. Having dinner at a romantic restaurant, in public? The paps got some cosy shots of the two of you. You’ve gone viral! If I left my alerts on, my phone would explode.”
heard Axel pacing. “It isn’t any of your business what we do or where we go. If the media want to take pictures of two people having dinner, then let them. We shouldn’t have to hide,” he countered. “We’ve done nothing wrong, and acting like criminals is going to make us all look like we’ve something to hide.”
“In the court of public opinion, giving your dead bandmate’s ex and best friend’s sister smouldering stares during a candlelight dinner will get us all crucified. To top it off, you ran off hand in hand.”
“She was wearing heels; I didn’t want her to fall.” Axel’s joke made wince.
“After everything I’ve done for you, why must you sabotage us like this?” Anita snarled.
“I thought you’d be happy. The increased press coverage will mean more ticket sales for the remembrance concert you pushed so hard for.”
“Or the fans will boycott said concert because you’re disrespecting your recently deceased friend by shacking up with his girlfriend.”
couldn’t bear to listen any longer. She didn’t regret anything about their trip. Why should she consider Cillian’s feelings in death when his pregnant girlfriend was currently moving into his apartment in New York? With Axel, she felt truly wanted without being asked for anything in return, and she refused to feel guilty about it.
“You’re crossing the line. Go home. We don’t need to be managed,” Axel said coolly.
hurried up the stairs when she heard footsteps approach.
“If you were, maybe we wouldn’t have ended up in this position,” Anita argued, reaching the door. “Also, the police came by the house. They were curious to know why you’d both left during the investigation. And that there was no evidence of another person at the studio except for you and her.”
No evidence. She wasn’t surprised—Sheen had worn gloves in the video—but did the police think she’d made it up? wished she’d given them the footage. Then again, she shouldn’t have to fight to be believed.
Axel muttered a curse under his breath. “Are you accusing us of something?”
Not wanting to hear any more, hurried back upstairs. She wondered if she’d been hoping for too much, for one weekend with the man who was slowly healing her heart.
In the bedroom, Axel’s phone rang. Autumn . She recognised his cousin’s name, a famous concert pianist, who no doubt was calling about his name being all over the internet once again.
She picked up the phone.
“Axel?” Autumn asked.
“Sorry, it’s . We met briefly at your concert last year at the Royal Albert Hall,” said, not expecting her to even remember the encounter.
“I thought that was you. Hi. Is everything okay?” Autumn’s concern came in a rush. “There was an international dial tone?”
“We’re in Italy, we wanted to get away for a little bit.” stumbled through the explanation, closing the bedroom door. “I can have Axel call you back.”
“No worries, I was only checking in. I saw that he was away, and there were some pictures of the two of you, but I really called to ask how you’re coping?”
“I’m fine.” spoke too quickly to sound sincere.
Autumn chuckled a little. “Sorry, I don’t mean to laugh. I used to say the same thing a lot. You don’t have to pretend with me.”
hesitated before confessing.
“Pretty shit.”
She flexed her scarred hand, tight from having neglected her exercises. “Getting away has helped, even if all I want to do is paint the views. Feels like my skin is itchy, like my body is craving paint. Sounds stupid, but…” She didn’t know how to finish the sentence, but thankfully Autumn did.
“It’s not easy when an injury takes you away from the thing you love. I’ve had first-hand experience in that department. I would literally play on anything, a table, my thighs, and just imagine the music in my head. Not being able to play felt like a part of me had been torn out. Like a jigsaw missing a piece, and nothing else fit.”
“I couldn’t have put it better myself. Painting has always been my outlet, so I’ve had a little too much time to think. I’ve managed to get some sketching done—my physio thinks the muscle memory will help with the nerve damage—but it doesn’t feel the same as before.” It felt so good to talk to someone else whose pain had threatened to take them away from what they loved. From their oxygen. Without it, life felt wrong, flat, or just empty.
“Adjusting and accepting a new normal is the hardest part, but the most important thing is to be kind to yourself.” Autumn didn’t talk of silver linings, or say that everything would be okay; she was honest about the reality of healing, and it was what needed to hear.
“Can I ask you something? And if it’s too personal, please don’t feel any pressure to answer.” sat on the edge of the bed.
“I’m an open book. You can thank Elijah for that.”
got the feeling that Elijah was the emotionally expressive one in the relationship. They were an adorable couple, yet complete opposites. Even in the brief time had spent in their company, she’d seen how completely devoted they were. Elijah checked in on Autumn while she rolled her eyes, but knew she was looking out for him in the corner of her eye. It was refreshing to see. Cillian used to abandon her in a crowd, citing how important it was to “mingle”.
“How did you handle the guilt after your accident? I don’t even know if guilt is the right word, but seeing the video footage posted on social media… I don’t know why I survived and he didn’t. The car was so crushed. Sometimes the tightness in my chest gets so bad I forget to breathe.” tucked her knees under her chin, unsure if she was making sense. But since Autumn had survived her own life-altering accident as a teen, she was the only one she could think to ask. If Autumn could survive a stage collapsing while she was performing and still get back to playing, then it gave her hope that she could overcome her own struggles.
There was a brief silence, and she winced, worried she’d said too much.
“I didn’t handle it for a long time, but then I realised that surviving gave me a second chance, and I didn’t want to waste that. It’d be a disservice to my friend who passed, and myself, if I didn’t live. My back injury reminds me never to forget that no matter how bad the pain gets, I have to be kind and patient with myself,” Autumn said. “But it took years. Some days I want to curl up and disappear, and I do, but now I reach out to those I love and trust for support. You have to listen to your body as much as your head and heart, because both can be great deceivers.”
“Thank you for being so honest—and curling up and disappearing sounds pretty good.”
stared at the long scar that ran from her thumb to her wrist. It ached with every movement and clenched fist.
“I can’t imagine the weight of your emotions right now. You lost the person you loved, twice—once when you found out about the cheating, and then in the accident. You also lost something you love, or at least the ability to do it with previous ease. Give yourself some grace, and time. If I could give you any advice, lean on those around you. Don’t push them away.”
Autumn’s sincerity meant a lot to her. Autumn owed her nothing, but her words were worth everything.
“I was happy to hear that you’re living with Axel and the others,” she continued. “Being around people can feel suffocating when you’re dealing with pain and recovery, but don’t be afraid to need them.”
“Axel’s been my miracle.” guessed from her tone that Axel had already told her what was happening between them.
“I feel a but coming,” Autumn probed softly.
“I’m afraid of how much I care for him. Everything’s happening so soon—what if I’m subconsciously trying to cling to something good?”
cringed to reveal her worst inner thoughts. Autumn was his cousin after all, her loyalty would lie with him, and she’d just confessed to the possibility of using him.
“Axel is a grown man; he wouldn’t do anything he didn’t want to. You’ve got to let him decide what he wants. He refused to leave your side at the hospital until you woke up. Your brother and August called me to convince him to leave. Don’t be afraid to lean on those who love you, no matter who it is,” Autumn assured her. “It’s easier said than done. It took me finding a six-foot game designer in my kitchen to learn that depending on others isn’t weakness. If you’re worried about using him to fill some void, then you probably aren’t.”
hadn’t known about Axel not leaving her side in the hospital. Was it a guilty conscience for letting her leave the tour bus? Not that she needed his permission to do anything, but she understood how he could feel that way.
“Are you sure you aren’t feeling guilty about the possibility of having feelings for someone else so soon after losing Cillian?” Autumn read her mind.
“Why should I feel guilty when he was fucking his make-up artist for six months?” She hated how harsh she sounded.
Autumn sighed. “Because feelings don’t make sense. You can be angry with someone and still love them. You never got to talk about what Cillian did or resolve the situation on your own terms. It’s only natural to grieve a future you’ll never have with him. Now you’re seeing Axel in a new light, and maybe Axel is highlighting some uncomfortable truths. New relationships have a way of doing that.” Autumn put it lightly. “Given all you’ve been through it’s understandable that you’re scared, nervous, confused. Just be honest with him and, more importantly, yourself.”
“What was it about Elijah that made you so sure?” asked. Even if Axel was completely different from Cillian, she wanted to make sure she didn’t repeat or wasn’t repeating any bad habits.
Autumn chuckled. “Because he was there.”
“So, it was a proximity thing?”
“Yes and no. He never left when things got hard. Instead, he leaned in, and I’d never had that before. As much as I pushed, he wouldn’t budge. He saw my scars, both emotional and physical, and refused to waver.”
thought back to that night when Axel had helped her with her hair, let her sleep in his bed without question, and went to war with Anita for her. He hasn’t wavered.
“Axel is like that,” she said. “I can’t shake him.”
Autumn sighed. “He has always been so self-assured and determined. He was one of the few people who convinced me to get back on stage after so many years away from the piano.”
“Cillian was jealous of that,” told her. “He could be insecure, and worried what people thought of him, no matter how much praise he got. That’s why my love wasn’t enough. Ever since Axel joined Brothers of Anarchy, he’s been himself. Steady. And it used to drive Cillian crazy.”
There had been more than one occasion where Cillian had tried to convince the others to replace their new drummer, but Nick and August wouldn’t allow it.
“If you’re worried about using Axel to get back at Cillian, don’t be. It doesn’t matter how you got together, but how you feel now.”
wished they had talked sooner.
“I don’t know how I feel about anything but him, and it frightens me.”
“It’s normal to experience a longing for intimacy when you’ve lost such a big part of your life. Don’t punish yourself for seeking comfort in others. Don’t think too hard. Elijah is constantly telling me not to think so much. It makes me want to slap him, but he’s right, even if I don’t let him know that,” Autumn told her. “If you take the lust out of it, how does it feel to be with him?”
“He makes me feel calm. It’s like I can feel my shoulders relax at the mere thought of being in his company.”
“That’s a good place to start, focus on that. I think you could do with some calm.”
silently vowed to follow her advice, and not punish herself for enjoying the time they were spending together.
“Also, I wanted to thank you!” Autumn said suddenly.
“Thank me?” frowned, letting her knees drop as their conversation washed away her fears.
“For the painting! Elijah and I finally agreed the hallway is the best place for it. The characters are spot on! Me, the black cat. Elijah, the golden retriever. Brinkley loves it too. She probably thinks it’s a painting of her and not her owners. It’s by far our favourite engagement present,” Autumn explained. “I asked Axel to send on our thanks and I sent a card, but I sent it to your studio. With everything going on, I wasn’t sure if you’d get it.”
Having been distracted by the bladed fan mail, she had forgotten about the rest of the mail.
“Thank you for sending a card. I haven’t got to my mail yet, so it’s probably sitting in the pile by my bed. I’m glad you love the painting, and I’m sure it’s delighted to have a place in your home. Congratulations again on the engagement,” played along, covering for Axel.
“It’s been great talking to you, but I’ve got to head out to rehearsals. Call me when you’re home, maybe we can get a drink and talk more,” Autumn said.
“I’d love that.” beamed, eager for some proper girl talk.
“Great, give Axel my love.”
Autumn was gone before she could say goodbye. dropped the phone and lay back in the soft sheets. She had no idea Axel had bought and gifted one of her paintings. Then, she bolted upright. Axel was the collector who bought the three paintings at my last show . The two paintings in the pool house turned studio, and the third was a gift for Autumn and Elijah.
“? You up?” Axel knocked on the door.
“Yep, you can come in.” smoothed out the sheets. “I’m decent.”
Could he be any more adorable? He had seen every inch of her, and still knocked before coming in. He gave rockstars a bad name.
“That’s a pity.” He shot her a wink as he walked in, and she rolled her eyes.
He appeared unfazed by his conversation with Anita, but she wouldn’t press him about it. She wanted to wait until he was ready to talk.
“Have you seen my phone?” he asked, and she picked it up from the bed.
“Autumn rang.” She handed it to him. “I hope you don’t mind that I answered.”
“Why would I mind?” He leaned in and kissed her good morning. He tasted like oranges, and her insides got excited.
Cillian used to get so mad at me for even glancing at his phone, never mind answering it. Another red flag I ignored.
She reminded herself of what Autumn had said and promised herself to stop comparing them.
“I’ll call her back.” Axel failed to mention the fact that Anita had come to bark at them. “I was thinking we could head to the beach now before it gets too hot. Soak up the sun before we catch our flight tonight.”
“Sounds perfect. I’ll be ready in a few minutes.”
“Wear this.” Axel passed her a clean T-shirt from his suitcase with holes all over it. It looked like a dog had got to it. “It’ll be loose, so it won’t rub the tattoo and it’ll keep it out of the sun. Trust me when I say sunburnt tattoos aren’t fun.”
“I think you should help me; my hand is kind of sore.” She pouted, and lifted her arms.
“Happy to be of service.” His grin made her weak in the knees. He lifted off her T-shirt and replaced it with his, but not before gently pressing his lips to her ribs above the fresh ink. “Why do my clothes look so much better on you?”
She swatted at him, trying not to blush.
“Shoo. Go get ready or we’ll never make it out of the house,” she ordered.
He raised his hands in submission.
“Since we’re going to the beach so early, what will we do this afternoon?” she asked, as he went to the bathroom to put on some sun cream. Watching him, she wished she was the one applying it over his smooth muscles. Getting a grip on herself, she focused on grabbing her things. “Should I bring a change of clothes?”
“The plans I have for this afternoon involve no clothes at all.” Axel came up behind her and kissed her neck tenderly.
She turned around and rested her hands on his shoulders while his settled on her waist. His thumbs brushed beneath the end of the T-shirt, and her muscles tightened at his teasing touch. She rose on her tiptoes and tasted his magnificent lips. He returned her kiss with equal fervour until she was breathless and all thoughts of the beach were forgotten. He eased away from her with a groan.
“Beach,” he stated.
“This afternoon can’t come soon enough,” she muttered, and collected the rest of her things before they headed out.