Chapter 11 Monday, January 23rd
Ronan
I officially became a half brother last night.
My dad texted Steve and me early yesterday morning, letting us know that he and Penny were at the hospital, that Penny’s water broke, and she was going to stay at the hospital until she delivered the twins.
After that the updates from my dad were sporadic, which I don’t fault him for.
I’m sure he was preoccupied with, well, Penny’s labor and all of that.
Cat received regular updates from her mom, who ended up going to the hospital to provide Penny and my dad with support.
So it was actually Cat who told me at just before ten last night that my twin brothers were born via C-section half an hour earlier.
The babies and Penny are doing well. So well, in fact, that the three of them will be able to go home in a few days, despite the babies being born three weeks early.
“Oh my god.” Cat swoons, a love-struck look on her rosy face the moment we walk into Penny’s hospital room this afternoon and she spots the tiny babies wrapped like burritos in light blue blankets. My dad holds one of the boys while Penny holds the other, a tired smile on her face.
“How are you?” Cat leans over the bed to give Penny a gentle hug.
“Surviving,” Penny laughs, her long dark hair wrapped into a messy bun atop her head.
“Are you in pain, baby?” my dad asks her, concern in his eyes.
“I’m okay right now,” she says. “Do you want to hold him?” Penny asks Cat, who smiles widely, then carefully takes the baby from Penny’s arms into her own.
“Oh my gosh, he’s so tiny,” Cat croons, her voice probably three octaves higher than usual. She gazes at the little bundle in her arms, gently rocking from side to side, instinctively knowing how to soothe a baby.
“So, who is who?” I ask my dad.
My dad chuckles. “This is Dean.” He motions his chin at the baby in his own arms. “And that’s Kellan.” He gives a quick nod toward Cat.
“I love their names,” Cat sing-songs quietly, still swaying, the baby securely cradled in her arms. She lowers her face to Kellan’s head and inhales, her lips tugging into a sated smile.
“How can you tell them apart?” I ask. “They look exactly the same.”
“Yeah,” my dad says. “We’re dressing them differently until we start to recognize their physical features more.”
“Their little onesies have their names on them,” Penny says with a giggle.
“Oh, okay, so it’s not just me then,” I say, relieved.
“No, it’s not just you,” my dad laughs. “I’m really worried about mixing them up and never being able to tell them apart,” he says. “Do you want to hold Dean?” he asks with a smile in his brown eyes, his voice warm.
I hesitate. “Uhh…” I feel everyone’s expectant gaze on me.
“Come on, Ran, hold your little brother,” Penny says.
I awkwardly hold my arms out for my dad to place my brother in them.
Dean hardly weighs anything at all, and I can’t help but notice how fragile he feels in my arms. I suddenly feel too big, too muscular, too strong, too volatile to be holding something this…
breakable. Like one wrong move could shatter him.
What if I’m not wired for gentleness the way Cat is?
“Aw, you two,” Penny chirps, looking from me to Cat, each of us holding one of the babies. “You’re going to make great parents one day.”
Cat smiles, but I’m overcome with unease. It’s only made worse when Dean begins fussing in my arms. I eagerly return him to my dad.
“Babe, I think Dean’s hungry,” he says with a chuckle, moving to Penny’s bed.
“Again? Jeez, I feel like a cow,” Penny laughs.
Cat giggles. “Do they eat at the same time?” She’s still holding Kellan, looking utterly comfortable as she sways with the sleeping baby.
Penny huffs. “I wish.” I divert my eyes when she unbuttons her hospital gown, then moves Dean to breastfeed him. “No, they definitely don’t eat at the same time, which means I’ll never sleep again.” Penny laughs ruefully.
“I’m sure we’ll figure out a rhythm soon,” my dad says with an expression that I can only describe as a mix of pride and contentment.
“You’re awfully optimistic for someone who didn’t have to give birth and doesn’t have people sucking on their boobs all day and night,” Penny says only half-jokingly.
My dad chuckles. “Hey, I’d do all those things for you if I could, but seeing as I’m biologically incapable of doing so, I’ll just provide you with all my love and emotional support whenever I can.”
“Maybe you could pump some milk and then Frank can take some night shifts for you when you guys are home,” Cat says.
Penny beams at her. “That’s a great idea! Please keep your wisdom coming! Honestly, you’re going to be a fantastic mommy one day. You already have this figured out.”
A faint blush warms Cat’s face. “I had the advantage of being quite a bit older than my younger siblings, so I saw how my parents handled the newborn stage. My parents definitely teamed up,” Cat says.
“My dad would take every other feeding so my mom could get some sleep. My dad also did most of the work at home for the first few months so my mom could rest when my siblings were asleep. So that helped, I think.”
“Well, looks like you’ll be doing all the laundry,” Penny says with a grin to my dad, who raises one dark eyebrow.
“Babe, I already do all the laundry.”
“Oh, right,” Penny laughs.
“Ran, do you want to hold Kellan?” Cat asks, taking a couple of steps toward me.
I shake my head. “I’m okay; knock yourself out, baby. Kellan looks perfectly content in your arms.” I smile at her even though my body feels tense. “Have you talked to Stevie?” I ask my dad, desperate to distract myself from the restlessness growing inside me.
“Yeah. He’s coming home in a couple of weeks to meet your brothers,” my dad says, his voice full of warmth and love as he looks at Penny.
Cat and I stay at the hospital another fifteen minutes.
Only reluctantly does she transfer a still-sleeping Kellan into my dad’s arms when I suggest we head out to let Penny get some rest. To be honest, I’m eager to get out of here.
Hospitals make me twitchy. Too many memories.
Too many sharp smells and hushed voices.
Too much… history. So after saying our goodbyes with promises—especially from Cat—that we’d stop by my dad’s soon to visit, I follow a happy and smiling Cat outside and to my car.
Her beautiful smile doesn’t fade from her lips the entire drive back to my apartment.
Cat
I won’t lie. I’m a total girl when it comes to babies.
They’re just so cute and tiny and cuddly.
And they smell so good. I remember when my siblings were born.
They were like living dolls. I was always so eager to help my parents with feedings, dressing them, and bathtime.
Okay, maybe I wasn’t as eager about diaper changes, but I still think I was a pretty great big sister. Still am.
“Kellan and Dean are just the cutest little guys with their heads full of dark hair and chubby pink cheeks,” I tell Ronan as he lets me into his apartment ahead of him, then closes the front door behind us.
“Uh-huh,” Ronan says.
I kick off my shoes, hang up my coat, then meander into the living room.
“You know what’s interesting? That even though they were born a bit early, they don’t look super skinny,” I say with a nod.
“Skinny babies tend to look like little old people,” I jabber on as Ronan walks into the living room.
“Hopefully any babies we have will be chunky.” I move to the couch.
“But having twins can’t be easy. Can you imagine how little sleep we’d get?
Twins don’t run in my family though, so, I don’t think we’ll have to worry about that. ”
Ronan doesn’t say anything at first. He just kind of hovers near the arm of the couch, like he’s weighing whether to join me.
“I don’t want kids, baby,” he says matter-of-factly.
I stop to look at him. “I don’t want to have a baby now, either.”
He shakes his head. “No, I don’t want them ever.”
His words hit me like a shove to the chest.
“Oh.”
I don’t know what to say to him. In our year and a half together, we’ve never expressly talked about our future together.
I had always just assumed that if Ronan and I stayed together—which is obviously my deepest desire—we’d eventually have children.
The thought that he may not actually want them never even crossed my mind.
“Why?”
He shrugs. “I just don’t want them.” He’s trying to sound unaffected, but I must have hit a nerve because his face darkens and his body tenses.
I frown. “That’s not a reason.”
“Why not?”
“It just isn’t,” I say with a shake of my head. “Why don’t you want to have children with me?” I’m hurt for some reason.
“It has nothing to do with you.”
“How can you say that? Of course, it does.”
“I don’t want kids regardless of who it’s with,” he says, and again I feel offended.
“So, you don’t even see a future with me at all?” I’m escalating our discussion, and I know it.
He grits his teeth and his jaw flexes. “I do, just not one that includes children.”
I fold my arms over my chest. “Well, I do want kids. I’ve always wanted them,” I say with a decisive edge. “What does that mean for us?”
He hesitates, but his brow and jaw are set. “What do you want me to say, Cat? I’m not budging on this. I don’t want kids. If you do, then… I don’t know,” he says with a dismissive shrug.
His words pierce my heart. I stare at him incredulously. “Then we break up? Is that what you’re saying? Why are you so set on this? Don’t you want to be with me?”
“Of course I want to be with you, Cat. But I don’t want kids.
I don’t want to be a dad.” I can tell by the tone of his voice that he really wants this conversation to be over, but I’m agitated and dig in more.
I know I’m provoking a drag-out, blow-up fight, and I’m not sure why, but I’m already invested and double down.