Saturday, April 1st #3
That jealous monster in my chest jerks to life as though awoken by storm sirens.
But I force it back into hibernation; it’s just one more thing I’ve learned about myself over these past few months, one more thing I realized was preventing me from giving an unadulterated version of myself to Ronan.
Jealousy. The need for control, to be so in tune with every aspect of him because I feared he’d abandon me.
Except my failure to leave him be, to trust that he was doing what was best for him in the moment, that he loved me and wouldn’t purposely hurt me, totally backfired.
It only dawned on me recently that Miranda isn’t a threat. Never was a threat. And if I had stopped to truly listen to Ronan, had chosen to believe him in all the ways he told and showed me he loved me, then maybe, just maybe, things would be different.
Miranda pulls her horses up to the truck. “Hello, sir. Long time no see!” she says in that soulful voice I’ve heard before.
“I know!” Steve says. “Feels like it’s been forever.”
“I mean, it kinda has been. What, like four years? You’re like… a total man now,” she says, then laughs. “I was actually just telling Rony about how you Soult guys are, like, really hot.”
Steve chuckles, clearly unsure what to do with that.
“What are you up to? Trying to find Rony?” she asks.
“Nope. Just giving Cat here a tour of the ranch.” He leans back slightly, shifting in his seat to give me center stage. “Randi, this is Cat. Cat, this is Randi.” His voice is wound like a bowstring, ready to snap.
I raise my hand in a greeting.
“Holy shit,” Miranda breathes. She looks…
genuinely stunned. “Rony’s feline? Jesus, you’re even more beautiful in person than in the pictures I’ve seen of you.
” Her tone is so earnest, so void of sarcasm or disdain, that it renders me momentarily speechless.
My body reacts, though, just like it always does at compliments. I could fry an egg on my face.
“Nice to meet you,” I say.
“Nice to meet you, too,” she says boisterously.
She’s so opposite to me. I met her two seconds ago and already know her personality is gargantuan.
“Jesus, it’s so weird to actually see you in person.
I’ve been hearing about you forever now,” she says, her eyes wide.
“Nice to know Rony didn’t just invent you,” she giggles, making me smile.
“Nah, Cat’s very much a real person,” Steve chuckles. “Have you seen my little brother?”
“Last time I saw him he was getting ready to head to the airport to pick up his best boyfriend,” she says, smirking.
“Okay, good,” Steve says.
Miranda raises her eyebrows, briefly glancing at me before her eyes settle on Steve again. “You’re trying to avoid him?”
Steve takes on a sheepish expression. “Well, just for now, I guess.”
“Huh.” She considers that for a beat, then nods. “Well, have a good tour then.” Her eyes swing back to me. “I’ll see you later, Cat-like-the-feline.” She grins at me, gives her horse a squeeze with her legs, and continues on her ride.
“She’s nice,” I say. “And really beautiful.”
“Yeah,” Steve says simply, shifting the truck back into drive.
“She calls Ronan ‘Rony?’”
Steve laughs. “Yeah. She has for as long as I can remember. And he fucking hates it.”
“Does she know he hates it?”
“Fuck yeah she does. I think she does it especially because he hates it. Randi is just… Randi. She’s not great with other people’s boundaries. Sometimes that’s good, other times not so much.”
Ronan
“Hello, hello!” my grandmother chirps as she emerges from the house. Correction, she darts straight past me to welcome Shane, Tori, and Seamus the second we clamber out of the truck this afternoon. Gotta admit, my best friend’s arrival makes my visit to the ranch even better than usual.
I just stand there while my grandma pulls first Tori, then Shane into her arms like she’s met them hundreds of times.
“You have no idea how wonderful it is to finally see you again, Shane!” she says. Are those tears in her eyes? Good god. So sappy. “I always hear so much about you.”
Shane flashes his teeth. “Good things only, I hope.”
“Definitely not,” I deadpan, loud enough for him to hear.
He snorts a laugh while my grandma swats at the air like she’s shooing my remark away like a fly. “Yes, only ever good things. Goodness, you are such a blessing to my baby boy. Thank you for being such an amazing friend to him.”
Shane turns to me with a foul grin, mouthing baby boy like he’s memorizing it for future blackmail.
Fuck you, I mouth back, flipping him off.
“Yep, those boys are as close as brothers,” Seamus drawls, giving me a fatherly pat on the back.
My grandma nods, all misty-eyed. “Your son is truly heaven-sent. He’s always been so good to my Ran,” she tells Seamus, giving Shane the kind of fond look usually reserved for puppies and war heroes.
I groan. “Okay, Morai, stop. I still gotta go home and work with this asshole. You’re going to make my life unbearable if you keep feeding Shane’s ego.”
Shane doesn’t miss a beat. “Don’t be jealous, baby boy.”
“Not jealous,” I shoot back. “Just concerned for your already-inflated head. Wouldn’t want it to pop. You’ve got a business to run, remember?”
My grandma reaches up and pats Shane’s cheek. “Oh, Shane seems to have a very good head on his shoulders.”
I blink. “Uhh, you’re supposed to be on my side, Morai.”
Shane slings his arm over my grandma’s shoulder like he was born into this family. “Forget it, Ran. She’s my Morai now.”
I narrow my eyes, smirking. “Careful, Shay. I know where you live, and I’m not above telling Tori about the donut incident from when you were fourteen.”
Tori perks up immediately. “What donut incident?”
Shane’s face darkens. “You wouldn’t,” he growls. “That’s take-it-to-your-grave material, Ran.”
I just shrug, grinning. “No one’s grave is safe, pal.”
Seamus’s deep laugh reverberates in my chest. “Okay, boys, before the testosterone gets out of hand, how about we drop off the luggage and then someone can tell me where to find the groom.”
My grandma launches into her usual welcome spiel, giving the O’Connor guys and Tori a quick tour of the main house before I take them to the cabin they’ll be staying in until Wednesday. Five days—that’s all Seamus and Shane could spare from work. Restaurants don’t run themselves, after all.
“Jack running things at Murphy’s?” I ask after we drop Seamus off with my dad and grandpa at the barn that’ll serve as the indoor venue for the wedding on Tuesday.
Yes, a Tuesday wedding because, one, why the hell not, and two, it’s April fourth—supposedly a special date for my dad and Penny.
I haven’t asked specifics. Don’t plan to.
“Sure is,” Shane says, an elbow propped on the open truck window as we bump along the dirt road between pastures. “My mom’s doing the bank drops and stuff, but Jack’s got the rest.”
A soft throat-clear emanates from the backseat before Tori’s head edges between Shane and me like she’s tiptoeing into a minefield. “So uhh, Cat’s here, right?”
How is it possible that five simple words manage to throw off my heart’s rhythm?
Up until this moment I was doing a pretty decent job pretending Cat and I weren’t occupying the same space at the same time.
And then Tori had to go and say her name—reckless, like lighting a match in a dry field—and just like that, every part of me remembers how desperately I want her. Need her.
“Yeah, I… She should be. I haven’t… I haven’t seen her yet,” I say, my throat tight. I swallow hard. “I… I actually wanted to talk to you guys.”
I don’t need to look at them to know I have their undivided attention.
I take a deep breath. “I fucked up.”
“Duh,” Tori mutters.
I resist the urge to roll my eyes. Everyone has opinions about my breakup with Cat, and they’re usually not favorable to me.
Shane just nods. “Uh-huh.”
“I need to talk to Cat, but—”
“Fuck, Ran, please just tell me you want her back,” Shane says.
I try to swallow again, but my throat has gone desert-dry. I nod. “Yeah. I just don’t know how badly I fucked it up, how irreversible this is, because I—”
Tori interrupts, eyes wide. “It’s not!”
“God, fuck yes!” Shane says, grinning like a cheshire cat. “Jesus, it’s about fucking time, asshole.” He claps a hand hard against my shoulder.
“Yeah, well, let’s just hope she’ll take me back.”
I didn’t need Randi or my grandma to tell me what I already knew—that Cat isn’t just someone I love.
She’s the light I reach for when everything else goes dark.
But what I did need was space. Time. A damn minute to sit with all of it.
With my grandma’s visit. The revelations from Rashana. Cat’s fears. My fears.
Almost two years have passed since the day my mother stopped hurting me.
One year since the trial, since she pleaded guilty, and still, I never stopped living like it could all get taken away from me at any second.
I never stopped being afraid. The fear just morphed.
I was no longer afraid of my mother. I was afraid of myself—am afraid of myself, because I don’t know who the fuck I am or who I will be.
After my family’s middle-of-the-night “pep” talk, they sent me to bed rather than work. But I didn’t go to sleep. I sat there in the quiet darkness and did the one thing I’ve never allowed myself to do before. I imagined my future.
What do you want, Ran? What would make you happy?
I didn’t come up with a ton of answers, not with how sleep-deprived I was, but what I do know is it was Cat who made me stop existing and begin living.
Those moments and memories I have of being happy are filled to the brim with her.
She’s there front and center, in my periphery, in the background.
Sometimes just her scent or her voice, but she’s always there.
It’s her. Always has been. Always will be. To me, she’s life. My life.