Chapter 25 Monday, May 15th #2
She won’t go through any of this alone. Not if I have anything to say about it.
She falls against me, fresh sobs bursting from her like a dam breaking. “I’m so afraid of losing you again.”
And god, I hate myself. I really fucked up when I let her go. No wonder she doesn’t trust this. Doesn’t trust me to stick around.
I lift her chin gently until her eyes meet mine. “You’re not going to lose me. I’m yours. I love you. We’re in this together.”
I pull her against me and hold her for a long time as neither of us speak.
“In case I haven’t told you yet… I missed you while I was in Boston,” I say eventually. “Especially when you stopped answering my calls.”
“I’m sorry, Ran. I just…”
“It’s okay,” I say, brushing a strand of tear-damped hair out of her face. “The last couple of days couldn’t have been easy.”
She looks up at me with red, watery eyes.
“You know you can talk to me, right?” I ask gently.
She nods. “Yeah. But I needed to tell you this in person. I couldn’t do it over the phone.”
“Who all knows?” I ask. “Tori, obviously… anyone else?
“Vada and Summer,” Cat says. “They were with me when I found out.”
“I’m glad you weren’t alone.”
“I still felt alone, though. You weren’t there.”
My chest tightens. “How do you feel now?”
“Freaked out. Confused. Really scared.” She sighs. “But… relieved that you know.”
Just like that, in a single conversation, life has changed. Again. And, fuck, I’m scared too.
Cat
The rest of the afternoon passed in a daze with quiet movements, soft touches, a heavy, shared silence. We didn’t say much, but Ronan stayed close, orbiting around me like he was afraid to be alone. Or maybe he was afraid of me being alone. I don’t know.
When it’s finally time, we walk to his car like we’re headed somewhere neither of us want to be. The more lights we pass, the closer we get to the doctor’s office, the harder my heart hammers in my chest.
Ronan clears his throat. “Have you… have you had any, like, symptoms?” he asks into the thick silence of the car.
I shake my head. “Not really. I mean, I haven’t thrown up or anything. The only weird thing was when I went to lunch with Vada, Summer, and Tori.”
His eyebrows rise slightly. “Yeah?”
“When the waiter brought out the ribs I ordered, I smelled them and just… couldn’t. Like, I felt instantly sick. And you know how much I love ribs.”
A small smile tugs at his lips. “Yeah, I’m aware of your rib obsession.”
I manage a faint laugh. “But no other symptoms, really. I’m not nauseated, I don’t feel extra emotional, my boobs don’t hurt, my skin isn’t acting weird, my vision hasn’t changed, no weird headaches…”
His jaw drops a little. “Those are all pregnancy symptoms?”
“Oh yeah,” I say, shrugging. “Just a few of many indicators.”
He frowns, almost like the idea physically pains him. “Jesus. I mean, I knew pregnancy wasn’t a cakewalk, but I guess I never really thought about all the stuff you go through. Besides, you know… labor.”
A flutter expands in my chest. “Are you worried about me?”
He huffs. “Of course I’m worried about you. Fuck, this whole thing is…” He grips the steering wheel tighter, knuckles whitening. “I didn’t want this for you. For us. This complicates things so much.” There’s a roughness in his voice that makes my throat close up.
“I’m so sorry, Ran,” I say quietly.
He shakes his head. “Stop apologizing. Pretty sure it took both of us to make this happen,” he says, gritted.
My phone vibrates in my lap with a group text from Tori to me, Vada, and Summer.
Tori:
I’m just kind of checking if you’re still alive? I just got home and neither you nor Ran are here, sooooo…
My friends have been my lifeline this weekend, anchoring me with distraction and compassion.
They helped me through the longest hours, when it felt like I might cry myself into dehydration.
And this morning, Tori delivered the pep talk of all pep talks, reminding me it’s going to be okay, that I can trust Ronan, trust myself, that I’m not alone and never will be.
But after breaking the news to Ronan, I didn’t have the energy or the emotional bandwidth to text my friends.
I can tell they’re concerned by my radio silence.
Me:
Still alive. Ran’s taking me to my doctor's appointment right now.
Vada:
And? Reaction?
Me:
He’s freaked out, but he’s still Ran.
It’s all I need to say. I know they’ll understand exactly what that means. That he’s still my Ran, the one who’d lie in front of an oncoming train if it meant keeping me safe.
Tori:
Just like we thought. Keep us posted after your appointment.
“Everything alright?” Ronan’s voice draws me out of the group chat.
I nod. “Yeah. The girls just wanted to know if I’d told you. And if your reaction was what I expected.”
He keeps his eyes on the road. “What did you expect my reaction to be?”
Guilt wells up in my chest, pressing against the stack of other emotions I’ve been carrying all weekend. “I thought… I thought maybe you wouldn’t want anything to do with this. With me.”
His eyes snap to me. I see the hurt in them. “You really thought I was going to just ditch you now?”
I give him a small, one-shouldered shrug. “You made it really clear that you didn’t want children. And I thought maybe you’d think I did this on purpose. To trap you into this.”
His jaw ticks once. Twice. “That thought hasn’t crossed my mind once,” he says, voice low, sincere. “Your whole body when you told me? Fuck, I could tell you were terrified. No one fakes that.”
He stops at a red light and turns toward me, gaze locked. “Full disclosure?”
I nod, heart pounding.
“I’m not happy about…” He glances at my midsection, despite there being no visible signs of pregnancy.
Yet. “I’m scared shitless. But I also know that you’re scared shitless, too.
And regardless of what happens, I need you to know that I love you.
I love you so fucking much it’s unbearable sometimes.
I. Will. Not. Leave. You. Do you understand me? ”
I nod, tears slipping quietly down my cheeks.
The light turns green and he turns back to the road as traffic inches forward.
“I messed up a few months ago. We both did. But my feelings for you never changed. And they’re not going to change now.” His eyes dart to me again, imparting, pleading. “Please believe me. I need you to trust me.”
“I trust you,” I whisper.
He reaches over and finds my hand, moving it gently to rest on his gear shift, his own palm covering mine.
Ronan
When we finally make it to Cat’s doctor’s office, we don’t have to wait too long to be seen.
“Hey, Cat,” her doctor says with a wide smile. “How have you been?”
“Fine, Doctor Simmons. This is my boyfriend, Ronan,” Cat says.
“Nice to meet you,” Cat’s doctor says, and I reciprocate the greeting. Dr. Simmons glances at her tablet. “So you told the nurse you took three pregnancy tests this past Saturday, all positive?”
Cat nods. “Yeah.”
“And when was the first day of your last period?”
Cat hesitates, brow furrowing. “I’m honestly not sure. I thought I had a period a few weeks ago, but now that I think about it, it was really light and short. Not normal at all.”
She glances at me like she’s checking to see how I’m taking this, but I got nothing. I don’t know what qualifies as “normal” when it comes to periods. I’ve never had to think about this stuff before. The more I hear, the more I realize how much I don’t know.
“Okay,” Dr. Simmons says, setting the tablet aside. “Let’s take a look.”
Cat shifts on the table, positioning herself for the exam.
I look away out of instinct, like I’ve stepped somewhere private without knocking, like I shouldn’t be here.
This feels too intimate, too exposed. But then I remember that I did this.
We did this. I don’t get to look away just because it’s awkward.
If Cat’s going through this, I’m going through it too. That’s how this works.
Still, it’s strange. Not because I haven’t seen her naked before—I’ve seen all of her, touched all of her.
I’ve had her come apart under my hands, under my mouth, under my body.
But this… this is different. This isn’t about pleasure.
It’s about responsibility. Consequence. Fear.
And something else that I don’t have a name for yet.
“Your cervix is closed, and your uterus is definitely enlarged,” Dr. Simmons says, still mid-exam. “How far along did you think you might be?”
“Four weeks? Maybe?” Cat says.
Dr. Simmons hums. “Hmm. Your uterus is pretty large for just four weeks. Let’s do a quick ultrasound and see what we can see.”
She pulls a machine closer, lowers a sheet over Cat’s legs, and squeezes some clear gel onto her lower belly. Cat inhales sharply.
“Cold?” I ask, and she nods, grimacing.
I move to stand by her side, lacing my fingers with hers as she turns her head toward the screen. I focus on her face for a second, then glance up.
I have no idea what I’m looking at.
There’s a blur of gray, then a black void on the screen. At the bottom of that darkness, there’s something small. Something that kind of looks like a jellybean.
And then it moves.
I blink. Once. Twice. It wasn’t just in my head. The jellybean is wiggling.
“Yes, you’re definitely pregnant, Cat. And here’s your baby,” Dr. Simmons says, cheerful and calm, as she freezes the image on the screen.
My eyes drop to Cat. She’s still staring ahead, watching the little wiggling shape inside her with a kind of stunned reverence.
I squeeze her hand, and she slowly turns to meet my gaze.
I can’t quite read her expression. There’s definitely shock there, but something softer, too—something achingly vulnerable. Tender.
“There’s a baby inside me,” she whispers, almost like she doesn’t believe it.
I nod, throat tight, swallowing hard.
“And this right here,” the doctor says, zooming in on a rapid flicker, “is your baby’s heart beating.”