Friday, June 23rd #2
“Yeah,” Ronan says, his voice caught somewhere between relief and dread. “Thanks, Dad.”
“Ran, I got your back. Always. We all do,” Frank says. “I love you, bud.”
“Love you, too,” Ronan says quietly. “I’ll see you in the morning.”
I wait until he hangs up, then glance at him. “So, were you going to tell me about this, or…?”
He looks at me with those beautiful green eyes. “Eventually,” he says, sheepish. “I asked my dad to help me find my uncle when we were… when we were split up.”
“Why?” I ask gently.
He takes a deep breath. “I was so fucking stuck in my head about… well, you know.”
“I’m pretty sure you still are,” Shane shouts from the living room.
Ronan shakes his head but doesn’t argue.
“Anyways, I was talking to Randi one day. It was actually her idea. She thought finding him might help me with this fear I have… that I won’t be able to break the cycle.
” His eyes stay on mine, searching, as if trying to see if I understand.
I do. “She said that even if things turned out badly—if it turns out he’s an asshole, too—it doesn’t change anything for me because I’m already assuming that whole side of the family is rotten.
I realized she’s right—I have nothing to lose and everything to gain,” Ronan says, his voice cracking slightly.
He sounds like he’s still trying to convince himself.
I nod, encouraging him to keep going.
“I asked my dad if he could help me find him back in March. Right after… right after I saw you at Murphy’s.”
“Are you scared?” I ask softly.
Ronan hesitates. “Yeah. A lot. I’m worried that if he’s a shit human, too… it’s gonna fuck with my head.”
“Ran, I want to go with you,” I say, worry bubbling in my chest.
But he shakes his head fast. “No, baby, I need you to stay behind.”
I frown. “Why?”
“I know you want to be there for me, and I love you for that. But I need to do this without you. I honestly don’t even want my dad there, but he’s obviously really insistent.”
I stare at him, feeling that familiar pang. “Because we know how you get, Ran. You’ll shut down, you’ll lock it away, pretend you’re fine. And I can’t lose you again, sweet boy.”
I rest my hand on my stomach, on that tiny baby bump, invisible under Ronan’s shirt. “I’ve always needed you… but I really need you now.”
He places his hand over mine. His voice is thick when he says, “You won’t lose me. I promise. I’ll talk to you about it. If it’s bad, I’ll tell you. But I need to do this. Alone. Or at least—”
“Without me,” I finish for him.
“Please don’t take this personally, baby. I love you. You’re my fucking world. I want to be everything you need me to be. I want to be everything our baby needs me to be.” His voice breaks slightly on baby, and it makes my eyes sting.
“I need to know that I can face this. And if it turns out like shit, I need to be able to process this for a minute before I pick myself up off the ground and keep on keeping on, okay?”
I nod. “Okay.” Then I throw my arms around him, needing to feel him close. He wraps his arms around my waist, holding me like he means it.
“Just remember, if it turns out like shit, that says nothing about you,” I whisper. “You aren’t capable of the things you worry about. I know it. Everyone knows it. I get why you need to find out, but fight the urge to spiral, okay? Please, Ran, fight!”
“I will,” he promises me.
***
He finishes making us breakfast, and we eat together with Tori and Shane, the four of us squeezed around the tiny kitchen table like some weird little chosen family.
Afterward, I get ready to put some hours in at my mom’s practice while Ronan throws a few essentials into his backpack so he won’t have to do it in the middle of the night.
He leaves before I do to pick up some supplies, then head into Murphy’s to open the place up.
It’ll be a long day for him. He’ll be there until at least two in the morning.
Once the door closes behind him, I glance toward the kitchen, where Tori and Shane are already loading dishes into the sink.
“What do you guys think? About Ronan finding his uncle?” I ask.
Shane sighs. “I don’t know. I always worry about him. Ran’s real good at acting like nothing touches him, but we all know he gets stuck in his own head. Deep.”
“I’m so worried,” I say, the words slipping out with a weight I hadn’t planned to voice. “What if it goes wrong?”
“Then we’ll do what we always do,” Tori says calmly. “We’ll help him pick up the pieces.”
I shake my head, my chest tightening. “Yeah, but he didn’t leave you two. He left me. And I can’t—” My voice cracks. “I can’t lose him. Not now. Not ever.”
I rest a hand on my stomach. “We have a baby on the way. I can’t do this without him.”
Tori steps forward and gently places a hand on my arm. “He’s not going to leave you again,” she says with steady conviction.
“No way in hell,” Shane says. “Ran already figured out that breaking up with you did nothing but make you both miserable. Look, he’s back in therapy, yeah? And he’s actually talking more. I’ve seen him trying not to shut us out. That’s real progress.”
He gives me a half-smile. “I’m gonna give you the same advice I give him all the damn time: don’t go down the rabbit hole. Don’t live in your head too much.”
I let out a shaky breath, grateful and still scared.
“It’ll be what it’ll be,” Shane says, more softly this time. “Let’s just hope—for once—it turns out okay. Ran needs a win.”
I couldn’t agree more.
Shane chuckles. “Sooo… I don’t know if this is a good time or whatever, but I feel like you should know—I’ve got a pot going.”
My eyebrows shoot up. “For what?”
“Bets,” Tori says with a small shrug. “On whether you’re having a boy or a girl, and when you’ll actually give birth. I said girl. January second.”
I laugh. “Are you serious?”
“I would never joke about something as serious as a bet,” Shane says, completely straight-faced, making me laugh again.
“It’s a twenty-dollar buy-in,” he says. “The winnings are split fifty-fifty. Half goes to you guys, half to the winner.”
“Well, that’s… interesting,” I say, still smiling. “So who all’s in on this?”
“Well, Tor and me, obviously,” Shane begins. “Stevie, Vada, Zack, Summer, and basically everyone at Murphy’s—except Cadance, because apparently her religious beliefs don’t allow gambling. Jack bet twice—boy and girl. Smart-ass,” he says with a chuckle.
I shake my head, grinning. “Oh my god, Shay.”
He shrugs. “Are you sure you don’t want to find out and maybe just… tell me?”
Tori swats his shoulder. “Hey! If anyone gets to know, it’s me. I was there when she found out she was pregnant.”
I laugh, watching them bicker fondly.
“Doesn’t look like either of us is getting lucky,” Shane says with a throaty chuckle.
“Nope,” I say, still smiling.
“I don’t think I could handle the suspense.” Tori starts wiping down the counter. “I’d have to know, just so I could prepare properly.”
“Why don’t you want to find out?” Shane asks, his tone sincere now.
I shrug. “I don’t know. I just… don’t. I want to be surprised. Like everything with Ran is always a surprise,” I say with a laugh, and Shane chuckles too.
“Do you have a preference?” Tori asks.
“Ran said he doesn’t care either way,” Shane chimes in before I can answer. “He just wants you and the baby to be okay.”
That makes me smile. “No preference,” I say honestly. Then, after a pause, “But I do think Ran would make a great girl-dad. Don’t you?”
Tori and Shane both nod without hesitation.
“How about names?” Tori asks. “Have you guys thought of anything?”
I shake my head. “We haven’t really talked about it, to be honest. I think we’re still just… processing everything.”
“Well, you know,” Shane says, deadpan, “Shane is a great name for a boy.”
I laugh again. “Oh, for sure.”
“And Tori is a great name for a girl,” Tori says, grinning.
“Oh yeah,” I say, grinning back. “Definitely. Top of our list.”