Chapter 23 - Randy #2
Craig shifted to sit beside me and rubbed a hand up and down my back. On my other side, Russy jumped onto the couch and settled on his blanket—one paw out to rest against my leg.
While it was likely only a minute or two, it felt like forever before I was able to speak.
“Have… Has… Has I… I…” I swallowed. “Have you ever had ‘I love you,’ used against you?”
Craig was silent for several seconds before answering. “I’m sure it’s happened, but not in a way that's memorable.”
“You’re lucky…”
He leaned in and kissed my shoulder. “Can you tell me about it, or does it hurt too much?”
I forced a nod. “I… I’ll try.”
“Stop if it’s too much.”
“Ok.”
I shifted slightly to rest against him. I needed my alpha’s support.
His hand slid from my back to the arm not against him, but kept rubbing up and down.
“It’s hard for me to remember a time when those words weren’t a weapon of some kind,” I started. “But they’re the sneaky type. They’re what you think you want to hear, so you don’t see the signs.”
Craig kissed my hair. It said without words that he was there and listening.
“Worse, they’re a weapon with no defense,” I continued. “At least not a good one. Any attempt to question it, or point out that the actions aren’t those of love…”
I let out a dark chuckle.
“Paranoid, dramatic, oversensitive, ‘I didn’t mean it like that, and you know it.’ At some point, you know it’s wrong, but the fight if you argue is worse.”
He pulled me closer into his side.
“In my world… ‘I love you’ from an alpha has always come with strings attached. There was always something expected of me.” My hands trembled where they were still clasped between my knees.
“The first time an alpha ever said it to me, I didn’t feel it back.
Not yet anyway. But he’d said it, and made it clear that he wanted me to say it back. ”
I shook my head. “I wasn’t there yet, but there were some feelings. So I told myself that it was ok, I’d get there, and I said it back. But it only took a few days for the strings to appear. He loved me, I loved him—I said so—and people who loved each other had sex.”
I sighed. “It wasn’t even that I didn’t want sex. I did. I was a horny teenager, too. But we hadn’t even discussed it before then. That first declaration of love was used as a wedge to force a door open—one that didn’t need to be forced.”
I turned enough to take a deep breath of Craig’s calming scent.
“It was the worst around the two heats I had while we were together. I’d gotten on birth control after a couple scares when he’d neglected to put on a condom, after which he’d gotten even more lax about them.
He said he loved me, so it was his job to take care of me for my heat.
But I wanted that extra layer of protection, and I didn’t trust him to use the condoms. So I refused. ”
I chuckled. “As if he had a plan for how to help me through my heat anyway. Sneaking in sex when we were both still living with our respective parents was already weird enough. There’s no hiding a heat, and he wasn’t the type to splurge on a hotel room—which would have been equally awkward to explain. ”
Craig echoed my chuckle then kissed my head again.
I closed my eyes and blew out a long breath.
My alpha had me.
“The relationship didn’t last long after that second heat,” I continued with a sigh.
“The words turned from a way to get me into bed, to a means of guilting me for not letting him fuck me through that. Then a new omega started at our school—a prettier omega. It was only a couple of days before… well…”
Craig squeezed my upper arm. He understood, I didn’t need to tell him about the public confrontation, nor about how Jessie had gotten herself in trouble for me.
I took a moment to compose my thoughts before continuing. “I wish I could say that I knew better when I got into another relationship. But, somehow, it happened again… and the words were twisted even more. They weren’t just used to get sex or other actions, but to get me to question myself.”
I licked my lips. “I was in college. He seemed sweeter—more attentive. And… I thought things were going somewhere. But there were always excuses as to why I couldn’t meet his family, or why we couldn’t do things together during breaks.
Social media wasn’t as big then, but he didn’t want to talk about our relationship online.
He’d get upset if I posted photos of us together, and I was asked to take them down more than once. ”
I huffed a laugh. “He said he was just a private man. When I asked about family, he said it just wasn’t the right time, or that there was drama and we needed to let it settle.
More than once, I told him I felt like a dirty little secret, but he told me he loved me, so it made no sense to feel like that.
“And I wasn’t completely hidden from his world, at least not the people on campus. We went on dates or to parties. I met people he claimed were his friends. But…”
I sighed.
“But?” Craig prodded after a moment.
“I really was a dirty little secret. He had an omega waiting for him in his hometown, and nobody there knew I existed. He’d be almost overbearing in the days before leaving or returning, talking about how hard it was without me for even a few days.
But he… loved me… so he was protecting me from drama, or his family judging the relationship, or so many other excuses. ”
I shuddered.
“He was so attentive in private that I believed him. I was the one in the wrong for wanting those milestones, and had to trust him that he’d know when the right time was. I was wrong for wanting to celebrate our relationship on social media… because his family could see, and that could cause drama.
“He loved me… so why would he hide me?”
“Baby,” Craig murmured, kissing my hair.
“His family came out for graduation. I was excited, I thought I’d finally meet my future in-laws.
Instead, I met the omega he was supposed to mate, and the alpha I loved stared at me like I was something to be despised.
I was crazy. I was obsessed. I had been rejected and was trying to ruin his life.
His friends snickered in the background. Everybody knew except me.
“He told me that he loved me for two years, then as soon as I was no longer convenient, he discarded me.”
I sniffled and unclasped my hands long enough to wipe away a tear.
“Come here,” Craig murmured, shifting to tug me into his arms again.
I went willingly, settling into the warmth of his embrace.
His hand rubbed up and down my back.
My alpha smelled so good.
“It took a long time before I was ready to trust again. How could I? He’d lied to my face for years. And I was wrong for questioning those lies because he loved me.”
My fingers curled into Craig’s shirt, and I took several deep breaths.
“I told myself that it wouldn’t happen again—that I wouldn’t let it happen again. And, at first, things seemed different. The next relationship seemed to go at what I’d always heard was a normal rate. Things went from casual to serious in a few months, then he told me he loved me.”
I sighed. “The trap was the same, but different. The words were to keep me there, but also to make me responsible for his emotions.”
I felt so safe in Craig’s arms—like I could finally let go.
“His family,” I chuckled, “they were actually nice. I got the sense that they badgered him into meeting as much as I did. They lived out of state, but every time we’d go visit, his mama made sure she made my favorite dessert.
His dad loved asking about whatever I was working on, and his teen sister insisted I go shopping with her cause most of her friends were female alphas, and sometimes she just wanted another omega’s eyes when picking clothes.
“Him and I though… Things moved forward, but in weird ways. His roommate moved out about a month before my lease was due to end. We’d been together about six months, so it was a good time to move in together.
But rather than combine things, we sold only my stuff since his was already there.
When his old cat pissed on the couch one too many times, instead of redecorating with both our tastes in mind, we replaced the couch so that it matched the rest of his things. ”
I shook my head. “We could afford to replace everything, and I wanted to since some of his older pieces were literally falling apart. Eventually, he won. It was his space, not our space. But later on, he’d point to the couch as something we bought together.
“Eventually, I started to feel like normal couple things were a series of checkboxes to him. I love you… check. Meet the family… check. Move in together… check. Things to make it seem like the relationship was moving forward, while avoiding the major topics. We’d go on a romantic vacation whenever I started wanting to talk about mating and kids, then he’d say that we’d just had the vacation and I was still basking in those feelings, and we’d discuss it later.
Whenever I started to feel like things were stagnating, he’d either check off another box or pull out the ‘I love you, and I can’t be happy without you’ card. ”
Craig hissed in a breath.
“It’s a heavy weight,” I whispered. “Protecting my own emotions became a selfish act.”
He kissed my hair. “I’m so sorry.”
I sniffled again. “I hung on, for far too long. Another day… week… month. I told myself he’d get there—that he’d be ready.
He couldn’t be happy without me, after all.
That surely meant he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me.
But soon enough, things stagnated, and there were no more new checkboxes.
Friends would ask when we were going to get mated, or if I was pregnant yet.
Then I’d get the pitying look when they realized that he had avoided the topic again. ”
I fully relaxed against my alpha. “It was Kerry who finally got me to open my eyes. He made me admit that if he’d wanted to be mated—have kids—then we’d have already been moving in that direction.”