Chapter Eight
Freya
It was ridiculously early for a Saturday morning, freezing, and Cold Water Club were meeting in the car park by the beach. It was my first experience of cold water swimming, and I was sensibly nervous about the temperature, but also because underneath my warmest winter puffa coat, woolly hat and gloves, I had on a one-piece swimsuit I hadn’t worn since last summer, and I had definitely gained a little winter weight – which might actually protect me from the harshness of the icy water, so was not all that bad in reality. This seemed like a terrible idea at seven o’clock on a weekend morning when I could be lying in bed. Instead, I was in the car waiting for all the other ladies to turn up. I was listening to Radio 2, and trying to wake up and warm up, when there was a sudden and very loud rapping on my car window that scared the hell out of me. I jumped, and then looked out of the window and saw Lucy’s face staring back at me with a smile. I pressed the button to lower the window.
‘Jesus Christ, Luce, you scared the living daylights out of me!’
‘A very underrated Bond film. Ready for a dip?’
‘What if I say no, and yes, a great song by A-ha, but Timothy Dalton?’
‘Come on, it will be fun,’ said Lucy with a warm smile. ‘And never knock Dalton!’
I got out of my car, and gave Lucy a quick hug, and I could see the other members of Cold Water Club congregating near another car, all trying to keep warm. Apart from us, there were a couple of early morning joggers, and a few dog walkers, but otherwise it was empty. Lucy offered to introduce me, and so I walked over and met them one by one. First up was Debbie, or Debs as she introduced herself. Caroline was originally from Edinburgh, and I instantly loved her Scottish brogue, and her bright, bubbly personality. Then lastly, I met Helen and Amy. Four lovely women, along with Lucy, who met at the beach at least four days a week to slowly wade into intensely chilly water for fun. I was already questioning my life choices.
‘You’re going to love it,’ said Scottish Caroline as we walked slowly towards the beach. ‘Can’t beat an early morning dook to start the day.’
‘I’m not so sure,’ I replied, already feeling quite cold, despite my woolly hat and gloves. I could only imagine how chilly I was going to feel after being in the choppy water. ‘Sorry, what exactly is a dook?’
Caroline laughed. ‘It’s Scottish for, you know, a duck, or plunging. Dook.’
‘Oh, right. I love it.’
‘Aye, me, too. The cold water really connects your mind and body and afterwards you’ll feel a natural high, and also an incredible inner peace. You’ll feel like you can do anything, conquer any mountain that comes your way. Trust me, it’s changed my life.’
‘That’s what Lucy said, too.’
‘Then maybe there’s something to it,’ said Caroline with a bright, warm smile.
‘Or it’s one of those cult situations and I’ll end up on the News at Ten ,’ I replied, as we walked down to the pebbly beach from the car park.
I had brought warm clothes to change into afterwards, a towel, and a flask of hot tea that I left on the beach. Suddenly, as we started towards the sea, I could see why Lucy loved it so much. There was something about being up and about so early in the morning with a group of women and doing something together that felt liberating.
It was one of the things I had been thinking about since Joe and I decided to separate. I had a small group of good friends, but being a wife, a mother and working full-time meant I didn’t actually get to spend much time on myself. My life had been my family for so long, but now with Dolly on the verge of leaving home for university, and with my marriage all but over, I was beginning to look to the next chapter and it was a little terrifying. I wanted a good group of female friends, to pick up new hobbies, explore things I hadn’t had the chance to before, and perhaps, if I survived today’s rather frosty beginnings, Cold Water Club might be a part of my future. These women with their own lives, problems and stories might potentially be a group that could help me move on. Well, either that, or, as I suspected, being fucking freezing might put me off ever going into the sea again.
We congregated in front of the iron-grey sea, the small waves lapping against the pebbles on the beach. The sky was stretched out before us, a blanket of deep blue flecked with eggshell clouds, and a gentle gust that pulled our hair out behind us. It felt for a moment as if we were stepping into the unknown, the great beyond, with nothing behind us. To our left was what remained of the West Pier, jutting out from the sea like a postmodern art installation, and then beyond that the new pier, and the beach with its restaurants, shops and attractions I knew so well from the days when Dolly had been little and we had strolled together, eating ice cream, and Dolly had played on the beach, dipping her toes in the water with giggles. Memories unfolded inside me. I looked out at the sea, and it truly felt like I was looking to the future.
‘Ready?’ said Lucy, turning to look at me.
‘Not really, but let’s do it before I change my mind,’ I replied, and we stepped forward together. Six women on the empty beach, and we walked into the water.
It was fucking Baltic! There was no getting away from it. I had kept my woolly hat and gloves on – advice from Lucy – which I hoped would help me avoid hypothermia, but the ice-cold water on my skin felt like it was burning me. We walked slowly into the water, the group chatting and talking, as if they were just getting coffee. Perhaps it was the way to distract their minds from the immense pain of the bone-chilling sea.
‘How’s Fran?’ Lucy asked Debs.
‘Yeah, she’s well, I think. She’s fifteen, and sometimes it feels like cracking the Enigma code just to find out how she’s doing at school.’
‘Aye, I know what you mean,’ laughed Caroline. ‘Mine are twelve and ten, and already it feels like they have a whole world of secrets they’re keeping from me.’
‘Just you wait!’ said Helen. ‘It only gets worse, but then one day it gets better. Evelyn and I are closer now than we’ve ever been.’
‘How old is she?’ I asked, trying to keep my mind off the cold as we walked slowly forwards, one careful foot in front of the other, feeling the jagged pebbles beneath. I noticed the other women had on black boots, which protected their feet from the pebbles and the cold.
‘Twenty-four,’ replied Helen. ‘Which is crazy. It barely feels like a year since she was at school, and not that long ago since she was playing on this very beach. Now she’s working and living in London. She has a boyfriend, who does something in the city, and Evelyn’s a teacher.’
‘How are you doing?’ Lucy asked me.
Was I the only one shivering uncontrollably?
‘Okay, just,’ I said, as we got deeper and deeper. ‘I can’t feel anything below my waist.’
‘It gets better,’ said Lucy.
‘Aye, the first time I took a dook, I promised myself never again. I was back within the week,’ said Caroline with an encouraging smile.
When we got waist deep, Lucy told me that they were going to dip down to cover their shoulders and start moving around and swimming, but it was up to me if I wanted to do it, too. Because it was my first time, they said I needed to be careful and not stay in too long. I had to slowly build myself up to it. I said I wanted to experience it with them, and so after a short countdown, we all ducked down into the water until it was up to our necks. OH MY FUCKING GOD! I didn’t know the actual temperature of the water, but I hadn’t been that cold in a very long time or perhaps ever. It was a real shock. Adrenalin was definitely pumping through my system, and I’m sure my brain was trying to understand what was happening and applying the appropriate measures: Brain to Freya, what the actual fuck are you doing because everything appears to be shutting down, over?
The other ladies all started moving around to varying degrees. Caroline was full-on swimming, and even got her head wet, while Lucy sort of doggy-paddled in slow circles. Debs and Helen both walked around a bit to help keep warm, while Amy did a few breaststrokes before standing up again.
‘You can get out whenever you want,’ said Lucy, while she slowly swam around me. ‘It’s your first time, and you don’t want to overdo it. A few minutes is long enough for a newbie.’
‘She’s right,’ said Debs. ‘My first time, I only lasted two minutes, and then I was up and out before you could say freezing nips!’
‘Okay, I think I’m done,’ I said, my teeth chattering.
‘We’ll be in soon. Get warm quickly,’ said Lucy. ‘And drink your tea. It helps!’
‘Righto,’ I said, wading as quickly as I could through the sea and back to the shore.
Once back, I grabbed my towel and quickly dried myself off, before I slipped on the fleece tracksuit bottoms and the top I had brought along, zipped up my long puffa coat and, despite my hands shaking almost uncontrollably, I put on my gloves, and opened my flask of tea. The tea felt so good as it slid down my throat. It was so warm, and it tasted incredible. I sat on the pebbly beach and watched the rest of the women in the water, swimming around without a care in the world, and I wondered if I would ever get to be that okay with sitting in freezing cold water. I watched them, drinking my tea; my body gradually warmed up, and I felt amazing. Caroline had been right: it was like a natural high. I felt giddy with endorphins, and I genuinely couldn’t believe how right Lucy had been all along. This might have just changed my life. The future felt terrifying without Dolly and Joe, but perhaps this was the start of something that might become one of the tent poles of my new existence. Without me even realising it, tears suddenly appeared in my eyes, but for the first time in a long time, they were tears of joy.
After about ten minutes, the rest of Cold Water Club emerged from the sea, all looking a bit cold, but none as visibly shocked as me. They walked up to where our stuff was, and started casually drying off, and getting their clothes on, as if they had all the time in the world. I longed to be just like them. I wanted to be further down the tracks – in more ways than one.
‘Well?’ said Lucy to me, once she had her coat on. ‘How was it?’
I looked at her and smiled. ‘Fine, you were right. It was incredible. I feel so overwhelmed with energy, like I could do anything.’
‘So, we’ll see you again soon?’
‘Definitely,’ I replied, as everyone sat down, and we all drank our tea and chatted about what we had planned for the rest of the day.
On the drive home, I felt such a renewed sense of energy and enthusiasm for the day ahead. Most Saturday mornings at eight o’clock, I would still be in bed, and then I would slowly get up, have coffee, breakfast, and perhaps by ten or eleven we would find something to do, but now I wanted to be productive. I was starving and wanted to eat breakfast, but then I felt the need to make the most of the day.
I parked on the street outside of our house, and then opened the front door and walked in. I didn’t know what I was going to find, but I was excited and wanted to tell them about the experience I’d had that morning. I walked along the hallway and into the kitchen, but it was empty. I looked in the living room, and that was the same. Undeterred, I marched up the stairs, but Dolly’s door was still closed, which meant she was probably still asleep. I opened it as slowly and as quietly as I could, and I poked my head around the door, and she was still underneath her duvet, one leg hanging out of the bottom wearing a sock. I closed the door, and then walked past Joe’s room. The door was closed, and I couldn’t exactly open that and check on him, too. I wanted to, but it felt odd, and so instead, I walked to my bedroom, closed the door, and sat on the bed in silence.
I’d had the most incredible experience that morning, and yet I had no one to share it with. I had chatted with Lucy about it back at the car park, but she needed to get home because her boys had cricket, and Stuart was working all day. In years gone by, I would have talked to Joe and Dolly because they were my people, and the thought that they would soon both be gone terrified the life out of me.
I had too much energy at that moment, and I was still on a high, so, without anyone to share it with, I decided to have a shower on my own, and do the one thing I needed at that moment. It was something else I was becoming accustomed to since Joe and I no longer had sex. I still had needs, desires, and without the luxury of a man in my life, I had to take care of that myself. So I got undressed, grabbed my rabbit vibrator from my nightstand, and headed into my en-suite shower for some much needed ‘me time’. A phrase that had once been a luxury and used to consist of a nice bubble bath, or time alone to read a book, was now something else entirely.