Chapter Twenty
Freya
Joe and I were in the living room, waiting for Dolly, who was saying goodbye to Maya at the front door, and we didn’t know what to say to each other. At least, I didn’t know what to say to him and he was being strangely quiet. I think the thing was, the afternoon had been so much about my argument with Joe, but at that moment, it was only about Dolly. She was all I could and wanted to think about. I had to admit I had been completely shocked when she announced she was gay and that Maya was her girlfriend. For so many years, I had thought her lack of interest in boys was down to her diligent work ethic and that she was still quite young. It hadn’t occurred to me that she might not be straight. After the initial tears – and so many from Joe that it was almost as shocking as Dolly’s news – we talked and we said it was okay, we were just shocked but happy. Joe was at pains to explain to Dolly that he didn’t know why he was crying so much, and that he was so proud of her, loved her, and then Dolly cried, too, and then struck with the emotion of the occasion, I cried, then Maya joined in, and we all ended up in a slightly damp, snotty hug.
‘Joe?’ I whispered across the room. I was on the long sofa and he was on the short one. He looked across at me. ‘Did you have any inkling Dolly was gay?’
‘No, you?’ whispered Joe back.
‘No, none. I feel bad, like I should have known or at least suspected.’
‘Me too.’
‘Are we terrible parents?’
‘I don’t think so, although—’
‘Okay, Maya is gone,’ said Dolly at normal volume, walking into the room and sitting down next to me. ‘I suppose we should probably talk.’
I moved myself a little nearer to Dolly, placing a hand on her leg for support.
‘I was just going to say,’ said Joe. ‘That I love you, support you, and that, as far as I’m concerned, nothing is different.’
‘It’s what, business as usual?’ replied Dolly, and Joe and I were momentarily caught between laughing and responding, and so we did neither. Dolly’s joke was met with silence. ‘Sorry, bad joke.’
‘No, love, it isn’t that,’ I said. ‘I just, we just, want you to know that we support you, love you, and that it doesn’t change anything in our eyes.’
‘That’s right,’ said Joe.
‘Okay,’ said Dolly. ‘Do you have any questions?’
Dolly was being remarkably mature about all of this. It was as if she was hosting an event, taking questions from the audience, and she was calm and in control. I had always been so proud of her, but perhaps just that little bit more after today.
‘How long have you known?’ asked Joe after a moment.
‘Umm, not really sure,’ said Dolly. ‘Honestly, I didn’t think much about it until probably the last year of secondary school. I think I always knew I didn’t really fancy boys, but also, I hadn’t fancied a girl either.’
‘Right, okay,’ said Joe. ‘Are you and Maya serious?’
‘Quite serious, I guess. It’s not that old. We haven’t been official for very long, but I’ve known her for ages, so, yeah.’
I looked across the sofa at Dolly, and I just wanted to hug her and never let her go. It felt like finding out she was gay right before she left for university was just another reason to love her. Another layer to add to the millions of layers of why I was so in love with her already.
‘Why didn’t you tell us sooner?’ I asked, and Dolly looked across the sofa at me. I still had my hand on her leg. ‘You know we wouldn’t ever have cared, right?’
Dolly’s face softened, and it looked like she might break down and start crying again. I could tell she was doing her best to keep it together, to stop herself from falling apart in front of us.
‘It might sound silly,’ said Dolly, and I gently squeezed her leg.
‘Dolly, love, whatever the reason, I know it’s not going to be silly,’ I replied.
Dolly took a moment, a breath, and then she told us. ‘The reason I didn’t come out sooner was that I just wasn’t ready. I needed time to process it myself before I put it out in the world because I thought that once it was out there, I couldn’t take it back again. I needed to be sure.’
‘Oh, Dolly,’ I said, and I moved along the sofa and gave my daughter a hug. I took her in my arms and held her. ‘I totally understand.’
‘Me, too,’ said Joe, who got up, walked across, and he put his arms around us, too, and everything between me and Joe, all of the drama, didn’t matter because Dolly would always come first.
After a minute, we slowly pulled away from each other and returned to our previous positions, all with tears in our eyes, even Joe again – seriously, what had happened to him? Joe hardly ever cried, and yet he was suddenly a wobbly mess. Where had this vulnerability been for the past eighteen months when I had needed more from him? I stood up, went into the toilet and got us all some tissue so we could wipe our eyes and blow our noses, before we could continue with the conversation.
‘It’s been quite an emotional day, hasn’t it?’ I said. ‘I tell you what, and this is just an idea, why don’t you invite Maya over for dinner next week? Now we know she’s your girlfriend, I’d like to get to know her better.’
‘Definitely,’ added Joe quickly.
‘Yeah? You’re sure?’ asked Dolly.
I looked at Joe and he looked at me, and we both nodded at the same time.
‘One hundred per cent,’ Joe and I said in unison.