Chapter Twenty-Seven
Freya
I was sitting in the car at almost seven o’clock, still in shock at what had happened the night before. I had left Joe in bed, crept out, grabbing my clothes from the floor, and leaving the house at just after six thirty, my head pounding from the early signs of an impending hangover. I couldn’t believe that after everything, all the fights, the conversations, the break-up, the horrible fucking awkwardness, we had slept together again. What did it mean? We had both said, admittedly in our drunken states, that we wanted to have one last time, and maybe that’s all it was. It was drawing a line under us. It was goodbye sex. Thanks for the memories. But was sex ever that straightforward? In my experience, the answer was always a big, fat NO.
It was the first time we’d had sex in a long time, and I had to admit, it felt good. Really good, actually. It was the thing with Joe, despite everything, it was familiar and enjoyable in the way it was to rewatch old episodes of Friends , and in bed we were full of passion and we both knew what the other liked. There weren’t any massive surprises, and I liked that. When I thought about the possibility of having sex with someone else, it was exciting, but also, what if they did something weird, were into something kinky, or what if it was just really shit? With Joe nothing mattered because we had grown up with each other. He had seen me in my twenties, my thirties, and now my forties, and we knew every square inch of each other. Despite the separation, and everything else that had happened, the sex was still good because we knew what worked. It also still meant something, too, and that was perhaps the only surprising thing about it. We had, for the want of a better word, connected again.
Lucy and the rest of Cold Water Club all pulled up in their cars and got out, and I slowly joined them. It was gradually getting warmer with each passing week. Lucy told me I had joined at exactly the right time because December through February were brutal and I had missed them, and we had all of summer to look forward to.
‘Morning, Frey. You look a little…’ said Lucy, before she added, ‘peaky. Big night?’
‘Something like that,’ I replied, as we walked towards the beach.
Helen was regaling us with stories about her and Simon, the man she had been dating, and it was wonderful to see her so happy and excited. My stomach definitely felt a little queasy, and my head had a dull pain: the early signs of a headache that would no doubt make an appearance at some point during the day. I couldn’t take alcohol the way I used to.
‘What’s the sex like?’ said Caroline, and we all looked towards Helen as we stood on the beach in our swimsuits, facing the sea. ‘Sorry, is that inappropriate? You don’t have to answer—’
‘No, it’s fine,’ said Helen, a smile on her face. ‘It’s so different from my ex. With him it was always very physical, almost a fight, but with Simon it’s tender and, fuck me, the orgasms! I hardly ever had actual orgasms during sex before, but with Simon it’s been nearly every time!’
‘That’s brilliant,’ said Debs. ‘Steve and I have been doing it for so long, it’s like painting by numbers. You follow the numbers, and when you’re all done, the picture looks nice, but it’s never going to get into an art gallery, is it?’
‘Not us,’ said Caroline. ‘Mark and I are pretty adventurous in bed. Always have been.’
‘Oh yeah?’ said Lucy. ‘Details please.’
We all started walking slowly into the sea.
‘Mark has always liked a wee bit of dress-up,’ said Caroline, and we all laughed.
‘Wow!’ said Lucy.
‘Nothing wrong with a bit of old-fashioned role play,’ said Amy.
‘Although not always so old-fashioned,’ said Caroline with a wink and a smile.
We continued walking out into the sea until we were waist deep, and then it was time to slowly drop down until the water came up to our shoulders. I already felt the effects of the cold water and my whole body was energised and so much more awake. My head was still very much in a spin about Joe though. Eventually, we were all in the sea with just our heads protruding out, and I knew I needed some advice from my cold water ladies, before we started swimming.
‘I slept with Joe last night,’ I said suddenly without warning.
‘What?’ said Lucy incredulously.
‘Jesus!’ said Caroline.
‘I thought you were separated?’ asked Amy.
‘We were. Are. It just sort of happened,’ I said, and then Lucy asked me to start at the beginning and explain exactly what had happened, and so I did. ‘Then I woke up this morning with a headache from hell and wondering what the hell had happened. I felt like a teenager again, sneaking out of the room, the walk of shame downstairs, and slipping quietly out the front door.’
‘Do you think it might change things between you?’ said Caroline.
‘I honestly don’t know. Last night we both said we wanted one last time, so maybe it was just goodbye sex.’
‘Can I give you some advice?’ said Helen.
‘Of course, please,’ I replied.
‘After my divorce, it took me a long time to really discover who I was again. I needed time to just be me and sit with that. I’m not saying you shouldn’t date or shouldn’t get back with Joe if that’s what you want, but make sure you take some time to just be you, too. I know it’s a cliché, but date yourself for a little bit.’
‘Such good advice,’ said Debs.
‘One hundred per cent agree,’ said Caroline.
‘I definitely will,’ I replied. ‘Whatever happens with Joe, I feel like I’m at a point in my life when I need to start doing things for myself. I’ve spent so many years being a wife and a mother, it’s like I’ve forgotten what it’s like just being a woman.’
‘I know what you mean,’ said Caroline. ‘I’ve been desperately trying to organise a holiday away or something. I need a break.’
‘Me, too,’ said Lucy. ‘Between ferrying the boys backwards and forwards all across Sussex for cricket, and balancing Stuart’s insane work schedule, it feels like all I get for myself is this.’
‘It sounds like we need to organise something,’ said Debs.
‘Like a holiday away?’ replied Lucy, and we all looked at each other, smiled, and the seed had been planted.
We started swimming and moving around in silence, and then after about ten minutes we waded back to shore, battling against the waves that were stronger than usual and seemed desperate to push me over. I managed to get back to the beach without injury, and we all dried off and had our hot beverages. I had a strong coffee, which was much needed, but as I headed back to the house I felt a lot better than when I had left. My mind was clearer, my body stronger and ready to face the day, and my hangover all but gone. I was dreading seeing Joe again though. Would he even be up? It was only eight o’clock. Perhaps I would have time for breakfast first, and another cup of coffee before I would have to face up to the repercussions of the night before.
I opened the front door, wondering if I would see Joe straight away, but as I closed the door and walked into the hallway, it seemed to be quiet. I poked my head around the door of the living room, and he wasn’t there, so I walked along the hallway into the kitchen and saw Dolly sitting down at the dining table. Immediately, I knew something was wrong.
‘Dolly. You’re home from Maya’s early?’ I said, walking across. Dolly was eating a bowl of cereal, but stopped, and then immediately burst into tears. ‘Oh, baby, what’s happened?’ I said, and she fell into my arms. I squeezed her tightly against me, and she wept into my shoulder.
‘It’s Maya and me, I think we’ve broken up,’ she said eventually.
‘Oh, Dolly,’ I replied, slightly relieved that was all it was, although obviously I knew that at her age, and with Maya being her first girlfriend, it probably felt like the end of the world. First loves were always one of the hardest. ‘I’m sorry, love. What happened?’
‘You know she’s going travelling now instead of uni?’
‘Yes.’
‘Well, now she’s going travelling with Faith.’
‘Faith? Who’s Faith?’
‘A girl from college, who has fancied Maya for ages. She’s the worst, but now she and Maya are like best friends. I was over Maya’s house last night, and suddenly Faith turned up, and all they spoke about all night was travelling. Where they’re going to go, what they’re going to do, the best beaches in Thailand, and getting working holiday visas for Australia, and Maya couldn’t give a shit about me. All she cares about now is travelling, and Faith, apparently.’
‘I’m sorry, love.’
‘We had a huge argument at midnight last night. I was going to come home, but her mum told me to sleep in the spare room. I didn’t even see Maya this morning, and I came straight home. I think I’m over her, Mum. I mean, we can’t really keep dating once I’m at uni anyway, and she’s going travelling for a year. It’s really shit because I thought we had something special.’
I looked at Dolly and my heart went out to her. I remembered having my heart broken for the first time, and it was awful, and so I knew the pain she was going through. I was also so proud of her because she was mature enough, despite how much she liked Maya, to realise it was over. It took a strong mind, and someone secure in themselves to recognise when it was time to move on. It had taken Joe and me a long time to have that conversation.
‘You think it’s definitely over?’
‘I do,’ said Dolly, and I could see more tears in her eyes, and in that moment I knew exactly what she needed.
‘Fancy a morning on the sofa with Harry Potter?’ I asked because she had been a massive Harry Potter fan growing up. She had read every book at least five times and watched the films multiple times. Over the last couple of years, her interest had waned slightly, but sometimes when we were feeling down it was nice to be reminded of what it felt like to be young again. Nostalgia always had a way of making you feel better.
‘That would be nice. Thanks, Mum,’ said Dolly with a fragile smile.
‘Okay, you get it ready. I just need to have some breakfast, and I’ll bring it through.’
Dolly walked off towards the living room to get the film ready, and I tidied up her bowl, and then I made myself a bowl of muesli, and put the kettle on for a cup of coffee. I assumed Joe was still asleep because I hadn’t heard any noise from upstairs. I would deal with him later, but at that moment I just wanted to watch Harry Potter with my daughter and make sure she was all right because, when it came down to it, nothing mattered as much as Dolly. She would always come first, no matter what.