Chapter Thirty
Freya
It was difficult to put into words what Cold Water Club had given me. I went at least four times a week and I simply couldn’t imagine my life without it. There were mornings when my alarm was going off at six fifteen when I wanted to stay in bed, and some days I almost pulled the duvet back over me, but when I got up, had a quick wake-up coffee and got outside and into the sea, I never regretted it. The lasting effects of it on the rest of my day were undeniable. I was definitely a converted cold water swimmer. Today was different though because we had brought along someone who definitely wasn’t ready for it.
‘Oh my actual fucking God!’ trilled Mum, who hardly ever swore, before we were even in the water. ‘I’m not sure I can do this.’
‘Give it a chance,’ I said. ‘I was the same as you at the beginning, Mum.’
‘Hardly the same,’ said Mum. ‘You’re in a thermal one-piece with the little boots. I’m in the old swimming costume I bought when you were learning to swim in the mid-Eighties, darling! It’s amazing it still fits me, but it was bargain basement then, now it’s barely holding everything in!’
‘I did tell you to bring a hat, Mum.’
‘Well, I forgot, didn’t I, because it was so early, and Martin was faffing around with his new air fryer. He loves it so much. It’s like he’s got a woman on the side!’
‘We just got an air fryer,’ said Debs. ‘Absolute game changer.’
‘Yeah?’ said Caroline. ‘I was thinking about getting one.’
‘Do it,’ said Debs. ‘I literally cook everything in the air fryer now.’
‘Everything?’ I asked.
‘Pretty much,’ said Debs. ‘And the best bit is hardly any clean-up.’
‘That does sound great,’ said Caroline.
‘Maybe I’ll have a look, too,’ said Lucy. ‘My boys eat so much. Anything to make my life a little easier.’
‘Right, can we get this over with before I freeze to death?’ said Mum, as we stood by the water’s edge. To be fair, it was the coldest morning we’d had in weeks, and there was a slight drizzle in the air and the wind was getting up.
‘Ready everyone?’ said Lucy.
Everyone said ‘yes’ except Caroline, who said ‘aye’, then we slowly walked into the water. Mum was holding my left hand for support, and when I looked across at her I could see the pain on her face. She grimaced and tightly squeezed my hand. Luckily she hadn’t been there in March when the water was considerably colder. It was August now and I had noticed how much the sea had warmed up. I wouldn’t call it a bath, exactly, but the biting chill I had first experienced was definitely gone.
‘It gets better, Mum,’ I said optimistically.
‘That’s what Martin said about classic car shows, and let me tell you, they don’t!’ said Mum, and we kept walking forwards, one careful foot in front of the other. ‘I can’t do it any more,’ said Mum when we stopped walking and were preparing ourselves to squat down. ‘I can’t feel any of my extremities.’
‘Try breathing deeply,’ said Lucy. ‘In through your nose, and then slowly out through your mouth. In slowly and then out slowly. In slowly, and—’
‘No!’ said Mum with a great degree of conviction, before she started wading back towards the beach. ‘I never signed up for hypothermia! I’ll be on the beach where I belong!’
We watched as Mum slowly made her way back to the beach and then we ducked down into the water. I had been doing it long enough now to know that it wasn’t quite so shocking. Lucy said that by the end of September, it would feel barmy, almost tropical, which was hard to imagine. It was incredible to me what the body could endure and how, over time, we could get used to anything. Perhaps it was how I would eventually feel about my marriage. At the moment, it was still incredibly painful, still causing me so much trauma, but in time and with the right mindset, it would get easier.
I sat in the water, and I enjoyed the peace and quiet for a moment, before I followed Lucy’s lead and started swimming around in wide circles. A few birds flew overhead, and as I swam I looked off towards the old pier, and then back towards the shore where I saw Mum drying herself off. Caroline was swimming away, fiercely thrusting her arms through the water, and kicking her feet, while Debs and Helen did their usual walking around a bit and having a natter. Amy was soon done with her breaststroke, and then we congregated back together and started walking in.
‘Is everyone excited for Cold Water Club’s first, and hopefully annual, holiday to New York?’ said Lucy.
‘Very,’ I replied, and the rest of the ladies agreed, before I turned to Lucy. ‘Although if you end up moving away to start a language school, surely it won’t be annual for you?’
‘It better be!’ said Caroline quickly. ‘You’ll be coming back, right?’
‘Of course!’ said Lucy. ‘Whatever happens, I’ll always be back now and then for Cold Water Club, and if you ladies plan a holiday in the future, you’d better make sure you invite me!’
‘Definitely,’ said Debs.
‘One hundred per cent,’ said Helen and Amy in unison.
‘There wouldn’t even be a Cold Water Club without you,’ said Caroline. ‘You’re a certified lifetime member, wherever you live.’
We eventually made our way back to the shore, where I found Mum sipping on a flask of hot tea, a blanket over her legs. Perhaps she really wasn’t cut out for Cold Water Club. If she couldn’t handle it in summer, she would be useless in the autumn and winter.
I asked how she was doing, and because she could barely speak, I just sat next to her in silence. I was feeling so calm as I sat there, the waves gently lapping against the shore, and sipping my coffee in peace and quiet. One by one, all the other members of Cold Water Club said their goodbyes, until eventually it was just me and Mum, sitting on the beach together. It was actually quite nice because we didn’t spend much time just sitting in silence. We definitely never came to the beach together. Eventually, after about ten minutes, Mum spoke.
‘I don’t know how you all do it. I thought I was going to die. I already imagined the segment on the news. Silly old woman dies of hypothermia on Brighton beach .’
‘Oh, Mum. You’re fine, and it does get easier in time.’
‘That’s what Martin said about yoga.’
‘Martin does yoga?’ I said incredulously.
‘He’s surprisingly sprightly. He could downward dog for Crufts, darling, and you should see his chaturanga. Textbook.’
‘Blimey.’
Mum and I sat looking out at the sea, sipping our drinks, and I felt for perhaps the first time in a long time a sense of calm about the future. Maybe it was the endorphins from being in the water or just sitting there with Mum, but I genuinely felt a real sense that everything was going to be okay, when for so long it had felt anything but. Maybe it was talking with Joe at the top of Devil’s Dyke, but something felt different between us. He had been so angry when I had arranged to get the house valued, and surprisingly, and despite being annoyed at him for being so petty, it was nice to hear him being so passionate. Then at Devil’s Dyke he had admitted he thought we had a chance of getting back together, and, I don’t know, it got me thinking, too.
The night we had together was incredible, and living in our house, and being involved in each other’s lives, I had seen a change in him. He was more open, honest, and he was seeing a therapist. Joe Wallace of ‘What the fuck was that emotion?’ fame was seeing an actual therapist. He had been great with Dolly when she came out and even when I had confessed what happened with Sam, he hadn’t been horrendously jealous like I imagined he might. Maybe he was growing up and finally becoming the Joe I had actually needed for the past eighteen months. Perhaps we had both just needed a massive jolt to get our relationship back on track again.
‘How are things with Joe?’ said Mum suddenly, as though she could read my thoughts.
‘Quite good, actually.’
‘That’s great, darling. It’s better to be amicable heading towards divorce. By the end your father and I hated each other.’
‘I didn’t know it was that bad.’
‘We hid most of it from you, darling, but after you left for university and it was just us, it was bloody hell. If you and Joe can stay friends, it will make everything so much easier.’
‘That’s the plan,’ I said. I thought for a moment about asking her whether she thought Joe and I still stood a chance, but decided against it. I didn’t even know myself, and it was all just jumbled-up thoughts rattling around inside my head.
‘Right,’ said Mum, standing up. ‘I should get home. Martin is cooking American-style pancakes in the air fryer.’
‘You can do that?’
‘According to Martin, there is literally nothing you cannot cook in the air fryer. Jacket potatoes, biscuits, cakes, steaks, mac and cheese—’
‘Mac and cheese in the air fryer?’
‘Martin predicted that within the next year, we could stop using the oven all together. We will see. He also predicted Brexit wouldn’t last six months, Scotland would vote for independence, and that I would pick the winner of the last Grand National.’
‘Did you?’
‘They fell at the first fence.’
‘Oh.’
Mum looked down at me and smiled. ‘I’m proud of you, Freya.’
‘Why?’ I said, a little shocked, and then standing up, too.
‘Because you’re doing cold water swimming, you have a career, and you’re dealing with a messy divorce a hundred times better than I did,’ said Mum, and then I saw the beginnings of tears in her eyes. She reached down and held my hands for a moment. Mum wasn’t always the most effusive parent in the world and so when she was, it was always a bit of a shock. Maybe the sea water had temporarily affected her emotions. ‘I’m just so proud of you, darling, because you’re you. You’re doing it all and making it work. Good for you!’
‘Thanks, Mum,’ I said, feeling tears settle in my eyes, too.
‘I really had better get going before Martin sends out the search party. See you soon, darling,’ said Mum, giving me a quick hug and a kiss on the cheek, before she walked off towards her car. I decided to keep sitting on the beach for a little while longer. Dolly was working at the language school, and I didn’t know where Joe was, but it was a Saturday and I had nothing to go home for. I had been looking into returning to university and finishing my studies to become a full-time solicitor, and I could start in the autumn. My life would soon be significantly busier then, on top of potentially selling the house, and starting a whole new life on my own. I was going to enjoy sitting on that beach in peace and quiet because for one reason or another, it felt like the calm before the impending storm.