Chapter 22
Chapter Twenty-Two
“ A re you sure you don’t want me to go with you?” Fern asks me Thursday morning.
She’s puttering around in the kitchen, preparing breakfast for both of us before she heads off to work. She knows this is a big day for me and wanted to do whatever she could to make it go smoothly.
“I’m sure. It’s just a basic appointment to confirm the pregnancy and meet the doctor,” I say, sitting down at the table where she set my plate. Before me is a bacon, egg, and cheese sandwich with some cut-up strawberries on the side. “And it’s too soon to see much of anything on the ultrasound.”
“You know, Mom would really love to go along if you want company.”
“I know. But I kinda want to do this alone. I want some time to process this whole thing for myself.”
The truth is, with this being the first ultrasound, it doesn’t feel right to have anyone else there besides Justin. And since we’re not talking at the moment, I guess that’s not going to happen.
“What time is your appointment?” Fern asks.
I look down at my phone for the time. “Shit. It’s in thirty minutes.”
This is not how I wanted this morning to go. I had envisioned walking into the doctor’s office all calm and collected, perfectly relaxed about the ultrasound. But at the rate I’m going, I’ll be lucky to get there on time. Nothing says I’m going to be a responsible parent like being late to your first appointment.
“You’d better hurry up and eat then. Who knows what traffic will be like?” Fern says, starting in on her own plate of food.
“I don’t understand what happened. I even woke up early to give myself extra time to get ready.”
She shrugs. “I don’t know, but talking about it isn’t going to get you out of here any quicker,” she says around a bite.
I shovel down my plate of food and cringe when I have no other choice but to leave my dirty dishes in the sink. “I’m sorry for leaving a mess. Just know that I wanted to help you clean up. That’s gotta count for something, right?”
She waves me off. “Don’t worry about it. Just go.”
I rush back to my bathroom to give my teeth a quick brush. I have no idea if they’re going to be looking in my mouth today, but it seems like a good thing to do in case they need to. From the sofa table, I grab my car keys and right before I’m about to walk out the door, Fern stops me.
“Good luck today. Let me know how it goes,” she says, looking at me intently.
She doesn’t have to say it, but I know what she means. Today, I’ll learn if this pregnancy is a viable one, which has all sorts of fears running through my head, some of which I discussed with her last night. But I’m trying to keep a positive attitude, so I’m doing my best to ignore the nervous butterflies fluttering around in my stomach.
“Thanks. I’ll let you know,” I say, closing the door behind me.
It’s drizzling outside this morning which means that traffic will probably be terrible. In a city that’s blanketed by rain most of the time, I don’t understand how we’re not better at driving in it. When it rains, it’s like people completely forget how to drive and go ten miles an hour under the speed limit. While this doesn’t seem like a bad thing because safety and all that, it’s terrible for when you need to get somewhere in a timely fashion.
I pull into a parking spot at the doctor’s office with literally a minute to spare. Since I’ve never been here before, it takes me a bit to find the directory and figure out which floor the office is located on. Dr. Lisa Andrus is who I’m meeting today, and she came highly recommended by Kim. I’m a little concerned about going with someone new for this crucial time in my life, but I trust Kim. She wouldn’t recommend someone terrible.
When I step into the office, I’m immersed in a very soothing color palette while classical music plays through the speakers. There’s only one other person in the waiting room besides me, and when I walk by her to get to the front counter, she smiles at me. The woman is very far along in her pregnancy judging by her stomach, but she still looks to be in good spirits, not puffy and miserable like I’d expect.
I check in with the receptionist and hand over my insurance card for her to make a copy of. In return, she hands me a clipboard with a small stack of papers and a pen to fill them out. I choose a seat near the back of the waiting room and sit down, then get to work on filling out the papers.
“What are you in here for?” the pregnant woman asks.
The way she asked, it made it sound like we’re in prison and I’m incarcerated for life. Which, technically, I kind of am since children aren’t a temporary thing.
“I’m here for my first ultrasound.” I look back down at my paperwork, but the woman is still staring in my direction. It’s like she has something else she needs to say, but will only say it if asked. So I play along. “What about you? Why are you here today?”
“I’m due any day now. My cervix has been dilated for two weeks, but this one doesn’t want to come out yet.”
I love that when you’re pregnant, it apparently gives you permission to talk openly about cervixes with random strangers. And since I’ve been reading the pregnancy books, I know what she’s talking about so I don’t have to pretend like I know how the birthing process works. I mean, I knew most of it, but the book was a nice refresher. “Is this your first pregnancy too?”
She shakes her head. “It’s my fifth.”
“Oh.”
She smiles like she’s had this reaction before from people. “My husband and I said we only wanted two. And then they just kept coming. But this one is it for us.” She makes a motion like she’s cutting something with scissors. “Can’t have any more unless I have them with someone else,” she says with a laugh.
“Well, you look great, and I never would’ve guessed you’ve had five children,” I say, hoping she takes my comment as the compliment it’s intended to be.
The door to the exam rooms opens, and the pregnant woman gets called back. She wishes me luck, leaving me alone with my paperwork.
About fifteen minutes go by, then the door opens again. This time, it’s my turn to go back. The assistant gets some basic measurements from me, like height and weight, then has me step into the bathroom so they can do a urine test. She tells me that if I’d like to do an ultrasound today, not to empty my bladder completely because the ultrasound works better with a full bladder. I do as she says and place my sample in the little cupboard above the toilet, then step into the exam room where the assistant is waiting.
After going through some basic questions, I’m finally able to meet the doctor. Dr. Andrus steps in and her whole demeanor reminds me so much of my mother. She’s like a comfort to me, instantly soothing, and I can already tell that this arrangement is going to work out well. Dr. Andrus introduces herself and her voice is the most peaceful sound I’ve heard all day. In a career full of nervous mothers and sometimes tense situations, with her voice, Dr. Andrus has an advantage when it comes to putting people at ease.
“Dahlia, it’s so good to meet you. Are you the one that works with Kim?” she asks.
My posture relaxes as Dr. Andrus’ comforting bedside manner takes hold. I know I’m in good hands with her even though we’ve just met. “Yes. You came highly recommended by her.”
Dr. Andrus smiles. “She and I have been friends for a long time. She’s a great person, and I’m happy she referred you to me. How are you feeling about the pregnancy?”
“I feel okay about it. Nervous, of course, but mostly I just want to see what’s happening inside of me.”
“Well, the urine test confirmed your pregnancy. Was this planned?” She’s not judging me by asking this question. I get the impression she asks all her patients this.
I shake my head. “It wasn’t. We were using protection and it didn’t work.”
She asks me what method of contraception we used, then asks some hard-hitting questions. “And what about the father? Is he going to be a part of the baby’s life?”
I shrug, feeling a wave of sadness wash over me. “We’re not exactly talking at the moment.”
She nods like she’s heard this before from her patients, and given that she deals with all types of pregnancies, not just ones between happily married couples, she probably has. “Have you been together long?”
“Our relationship is only a few months old. This happened because of a one-night stand,” I say, pointing to my stomach.
“Just know that there are options available to you should you decide you don’t want to continue the pregnancy.”
“I’ve thought it through and I definitely want to keep it. I have a great support network to help me out if necessary.”
Dr. Andrus flashes me an earnest smile. “That’s good to hear. If you ever need to talk through anything, I can refer you to some great therapists who specialize in family matters.”
“Thank you. I’ll reach out if I need it.”
We go through some more general questions about my living situation, financial situation, and she recommends some prenatal vitamins for me to take. And when it’s time for me to go back and get the ultrasound, she tells me that she’s thrilled to be a part of this special time in my life.
Now is the part I’ve been waiting for. I finally get to see what my baby looks like and if I’m lucky, hear the heartbeat. I step into the ultrasound room and the technician, who’s already there, greets me with a smile. She asks me to lie down on the exam table and has me lift my shirt and slide my pants down a bit so she can better access the area she needs to scan.
“I’m going to put the gel on, but don’t worry, we warm it up beforehand so it’s not such a shock for people,” she says, applying the gel all over my pelvic area.
“I definitely appreciate that.”
Right as she’s about to start the ultrasound, there’s a knock on the door. Dr. Andrus sticks her head in the room.
“I’m sorry for interrupting, but he insisted on coming back here. He says he’s the father. Are you okay with that?” she asks, concern in her expression. She opens the door wider and Justin is standing behind her.
How did he know? “Yeah, it’s okay.”
The technician glances between Justin and me, sensing there’s something deeper going on, then excuses herself and lets Justin and I have the room to ourselves.
“I’m sorry for barging in on you, and if you don’t want me here, I can leave,” he says, pulling up a chair next to the exam table.
“How did you know I was here?” We haven’t talked since that night, and I sure as heck don’t post my whereabouts on social media, so how did he find out? Did he go to my workplace and Kim told him where I was? That doesn’t seem like something she would do since that’s infringing on my privacy.
“I’ve been feeling so shitty since that night, and you didn’t deserve the way I acted. You’re right. My career choice is an unusual one, and my past relationships shouldn’t have factored into the way I treated you. I’ve been thinking about how to make it up to you, and I went to your house this morning to try and catch you before you went to work. I had a whole speech worked out, and I brought flowers and chocolates, and I was prepared to give you the world if necessary.”
“The world, huh? How were you planning to do that?” I ask with a grin.
“I hadn’t worked that out yet. But your sister was there, although she was on her way out the door, and she told me where you were.”
“Shouldn’t you be at work?” With his dress slacks and button-down shirt, he’s dressed like he was on his way there.
He takes my hand in his. “Some things are more important,” he says, then kisses the top of it. “I really wanted to be here with you throughout this whole appointment, and I’m sorry I wasn’t.”
“Is this part of your speech? If so, I feel like you could’ve done better.”
He smiles, sensing that I’m just messing with him. “The moment your sister told me where you were, that whole speech went out the window. I was more concerned with getting to you in time. You deserve to have someone supportive by your side, and I want to be that person. I hate being apart from you, and I hate that my schedule doesn’t afford us more time to be together. But it’s not going to be forever. In a few months, I’ll have more time on my hands and more time for us. Can you hold out until then?”
“I hate being apart from you too, and I’d love to spend every spare moment you have together. But I also understand that that’s not practical, and it’s not fair of me to ask that of you. You’ve worked so hard to get where you’re at, and the last thing I’d want to do is jeopardize that. So yeah, I can hold out until then,” I say, unloading all the things I’ve been wanting to say since that night.
Justin presses a soft, tender kiss to my lips and when he pulls away, he looks up at the ultrasound screen. “Am I too late? Did I miss seeing our baby?”
I shake my head. “She hadn’t even started yet.”
“Good. I want to go through every step of this together. I love you, and there’s no one else I’d rather embark on this journey with.” He’s gazing so intently at me, it’s like those blue eyes of his are seeing all the way to my soul. “That was part of my speech, by the way,” he says with a playful grin.
My entire body fills with warmth. This marks the first time he’s said he loves me. “You love me?”
“Of course I do. I get that the way we met may not have been conventional, and this pregnancy wasn’t planned, but I don’t care about all that. We would’ve gotten there eventually, so we’re just getting a little bit of a head start.”
I rise up and press my lips to his. He palms the back of my head, keeping my lips against his, making me forget that I’m in a small, dark ultrasound room and my belly is still very much exposed. When we break apart, it’s only so I can tell him the words I’ve been waiting to say. “I love you too.”
The technician knocks on the door, then opens it to stick her head in. “Can we begin the ultrasound?”
“I’m ready if you are,” I say.
She smiles and resumes her position in her chair. Justin stays beside me, holding my hand while she preps the area again. She places the transducer on my pelvic area, moving it around until she finds exactly where the fetus is.
“And there it is,” she says, pointing to an area on the screen. It’s nothing more than a blob at this point, no bigger than a kidney bean. But it’s our kidney bean. “And do you hear that?” She’s quiet for a moment, allowing for a soft, rhythmic thumping to fill the void. “That’s your baby’s heartbeat.”
“Sounds like he’s got a strong heartbeat,” I say without thinking.
Justin doesn’t miss it. “He?”
I shrug. “I just have a feeling.”