Chapter 15 Kimberly
Kimberly
Istarted regretting this whole friends with benefits thing the minute I came back down to Earth from our mutual orgasms.
It sounded like a good idea at the time, but after what could only be described as a mind blowing orgasm, the urge to spend the night together, making each other come over and over again, was strong.
But then again, I remembered this feeling.
Remembered how our obsession with each other’s bodies kept us from getting to know each other before we jumped into cohabitation.
A relationship couldn’t be based just on sex.
If Gina and I were going to have another shot at this…
whatever this was, we needed to be smart about it.
I sat up with a groan.
“I should probably get going. We agreed to no sleepovers.”
Part of me thought I was calling her bluff. I fully expected Gina to pout or argue or suggest another round before I left, after which we’d fall into an exhausted sleep together whether we wanted to or not. I braced, waiting for it, wondering if I’d give in.
But to my surprise, she just sat up and slid off the bed without an argument. I watched her lithe body as she walked to the dresser, taking out a pair of sleep shorts and a fresh tank and pulling them on, her expression completely unperturbed.
“That was super fun, thanks,” she said. “I’ll let you get dressed while I use the bathroom.”
We met back in the living room, and for the first time tonight, there was a moment of awkwardness before we recovered.
“Okay friend, what are you doing this weekend? Are you interested in getting together? Maybe going for a hike?” she asked.
“I could do tomorrow, but I’m visiting my mom and stepdad on Sunday.”
“How about I meet you at the state park trailhead, the one we used to park at, around ten?”
“Sounds good.”
She walked me to the door and when she didn’t come in for a kiss, I gave her a little wave. I knew we’d agreed to no sleepovers, but it was surprisingly hard to walk out that door. I half expected Gina to call me back, but when she didn’t, I walked down to my car and headed home.
Over the next month we settled into a rhythm.
Gina and I would text each other once or twice a day, just chatting and sharing news, the same way I did with my other friends.
We usually hung out for at least a few hours over the weekend, going to a movie, hiking, or visiting the farmer’s market, and a couple of times we had dinner mid-week.
I continued to be surprised that Gina didn’t press me to spend more time with her. She never asked where I was or what I was doing. Other than the few times we’d had sex, it was a typical friendship.
It was driving me the tiniest bit crazy.
“I don’t understand,” my friend Tammy said when I brought it up over dinner one night. “You two agreed to be friends with benefits and nothing more. When you were together before, Gina’s neediness drove you crazy. But now you’re, what? Upset that she’s not needy enough? That’s super weird.”
“I know, but right now my relationship with Gina is basically like my relationship with you. Except with sex.”
Tammy scoffed. “I still don’t get it. What’s the problem exactly?”
“I’m in love with her, and I’m pretty sure she doesn’t feel the same way.”
Tammy heaved out a long sigh like my being in love was a personal affront to her.
“So what you’re telling me is that once again this woman is going to break your heart? I really don’t like her.”
“She’s keeping to the agreement we made,” I reminded her. “I thought us being friends was a prelude to possibly dating again, but it’s been a month and she hasn’t brought it up. I’m the one with the problem, not her.”
“What’s the difference? You’re seeing movies together, meeting for dinner, having sex, what you have right now is basically dating anyway.”
I shook my head. “No, if we were dating we’d hold hands at the movies. Kiss each other when we meet at the door. Sleep over. There’s a level of intimacy that we don’t have right now.”
“But you want her to be your girlfriend again?” she asked. “Are you sure? Even after everything that happened?”
“I’m sure. This is our second chance.”
“Well, in that case you need to talk to her. But first, it’s tough love time.”
Tammy gave me a serious look, and I had a feeling I wasn’t going to like what I heard next. I was right.
“Look, I never said anything before, but I think that at least part of why your first relationship blew up was that you couldn’t talk to her about the things that were bothering you,” she said.
“I understand that she was a complete asshole, accusing you of cheating and throwing you out. But I have a suspicion that at least part of what prompted that little tantrum was her having a sense that things weren’t right.
That you were unhappy. I mean, I could tell and I wasn’t even living with you.
It probably made her even more insecure because she could see it too and didn’t know what the issue was.
And since y’all didn’t talk about it like adults, things blew up in a big way. ”
“Are you saying I was at fault in our break-up?” I asked in shock.
“I’m saying that in ninety-nine percent of break-ups, neither person is completely innocent. It may be mostly one person’s fault, but if you dig deep enough, there’s fault on the other side too.”
“I don’t agree with that.”
She shrugged. “Disagree if you want, but in this case, your communication skills or lack thereof were at least a minor contributing factor. And if you don’t address it now, it will come up again.
Work on how to talk about your feelings or I can promise you that you’ll have issues again in the future whether you’re with Gina or someone else.
You need to learn to use your words Kim, even if it means someone will be angry with you. ”
I wasn’t one hundred percent sure that Tammy was right, but there was enough niggling doubt that I decided to woman up and talk to Gina about it. We were meeting for sushi the following night, so I decided to broach the topic.
“I need to ask you something,” I started. “It’s kind of awkward, but if you feel comfortable answering honestly I think it will help me.”
Gina set down her spider roll and gave me a curious look. “Wow, this sounds serious. What do you want to ask me?”
“First I should tell you something. When we were together, I was unhappy about a lot of things.”
She raised one eyebrow, then used her chopsticks to grab a California roll, taking a bite before answering. “No kidding.”
She didn’t sound surprised.
“I don’t want to hurt your feelings, but I was feeling stifled. You always wanted us to be together and wanted to know where I was every minute of the day and it felt like you were being… uh, needy. Insecure.”
Gina nodded. “Oh, I absolutely was being needy and insecure. That’s how I approached all of my relationships back then, even with friends.”
“Did you know I was unhappy?” I asked. “Was that why you assumed I would cheat?”
She filled up both of our waters before she answered. “Yeah, on some level I knew. I could feel you pulling away, and when I asked what was wrong you always said nothing, so my mind filled in the blanks with the wrong information.”
“I never realized this before, but the break-up was at least partly my fault. I didn’t have the guts to talk to you about the things that were bothering me. That wasn’t fair to you.”
She made a dismissive gesture with her hand. “It was totally my fault. I had fears and suspicions and jumped to not very flattering conclusions.”
We ate quietly for a few minutes before Gina spoke up again. “Why did you bring that up now?”
“Remember my friend Tammy?”
She winced, then quickly schooled her expression.
Tammy had never made a secret of the fact that she didn’t like my girlfriend.
Gina assumed that it was because Tammy was secretly in love with me, and I’d never been able to disabuse her of that notion even though it was completely untrue.
Tammy and I were like sisters, always had been.
“Yeah, what about her?”
“We were talking about you and I being friends again and she said if we want a relationship to be successful this time, whether we’re just friends or we decide to pursue something more, I need to work on communicating when things bother me instead of expecting people to read my mind.”
“Sounds like good advice.” She gave me a searching look. “Is something bothering you now? Because trust me, I won’t flip out. I’ve learned to talk things through like an emotionally stable adult.”
I could tell by her face that she meant it.
“Yeah, the thing that’s bothering me is…” I paused, my courage failing me.
Why was this so hard?
“Yeah?” she prompted.
“I hate going home at night,” I blurted out. “After we have sex, I kind of want to stay and… snuggle for a while.”
Gina blinked in surprise. “Oh that’s it? No problem, I wouldn’t mind the occasional sleepover.”
“There’s more.”
I took a deep breath. “I don’t want to just be friends with benefits anymore.”
She seemed surprised. “You don’t?”
“No, I want us to date for real. I want you to be my girlfriend again.”
***
Three and a half years ago…
“Where have you been?”
Gina pounced on me the second I walked through the door. I glanced at the clock on the wall and suppressed a sigh. I was half an hour later than usual. It wasn’t even six o’clock.
“I got stuck at work.”
“Why?”
I looked at her incredulously. Was she really asking for the details? “I needed to finish a project for my boss, and I lost track of time. I came home as soon as I finished.”
“You could have called or texted. I was worried sick.”
“I didn’t think I needed to report every minor delay to you,” I snapped, her melodramatic tone getting on my nerves. “It’s not like I’m hours late.”
Gina’s eyes filled with tears, her wounded expression immediately making me feel like an asshole.
“I’m sorry. It just gets dark so early at this time of the year and anything could happen.”
I was falling in love with Gina, but she was also driving me crazy with her insecurity. Maybe it had been a mistake to move in together so quickly. She’d been so adamant about it, and we’d been spending every night together anyway that somehow it sounded like a good idea. Now I wasn’t so sure.
I tripped over a shoe that she’d inexplicably left in the middle of the living room floor.
This time I didn’t hide my sigh. It had definitely been a mistake to move in together so quickly. But I was here now. I needed to make it work somehow. Maybe we could start by hiring a cleaning service.