Chapter 1
Trust
“Mi ask yuh a question!” her glare nails me in place. My cheeks warm from embarrassment. Her talking to me like a child in front of my man has to be the most humiliating thing I’ve felt in a long while.
“Why yuh make this worl’ian bwoy breed yuh?
! Only God Almighty can tell me why! Yuh don’t wait til marriage yuh just gone fornicate but yuh try know say baby mash up every single relationship if Jesus Christ nuh inna the miggle a it!
” she has the audacity. My chest tightens, my breath stalls in my lungs.
Nickoi says nothing, and somehow, his silence makes the room feel even heavier, like the walls are folding in on me.
Lawdd God!
Then it happens, fast. She spins around and storm out, slamming the door behind her. Silence swallows the room. Thick. Stifling.
I plop down, my body still. The air stuck in my throat.
I can’t breathe, can’t think. Not only am I irritated, I’m unraveling.
I hear a soft shuffle. It’s mommy. She lingers in the doorway, her eyes peeking over her shoulder.
Her brow raised, looking back at her mother.
She finally looks back at us, lips curling into an awkward smile.
The glint in her eyes said what her mouth didn’t; This wasn’t over.
I exhale slowly, trying to pull myself together.
“Yuh alright now?” Mommy asks, leaning her weight against the closet, eyes flicking between the two of us. She looks uncomfortable, and I wasn’t doing much better. Nickoi still hasn’t said a word since Mama barged in, and it’s messing with my nerves.
Eventually, we’ll have to tell them. Well… Mommy. Mama already invaded our privacy. Now it’s just my mom, and even though her tone is softer, I know anger is simmering somewhere behind that smile.
I force a nervous smile. “Um… yea,” I mumble, inching toward her.
She nods slowly. “Alright… mi just a check.” Her voice soft, but her smile still carries tension. “Mi a go give unuh privacy now,” she adds as she backs away.
Nickoi moves beside me like he’s about to talk.
I quickly pinch him and give Mommy a fake smile, trying to keep it together.
“Okay, Mommy.” In other words, begging her to leave.
She finally turns and walk away. Another breath escapes me as I slump down on the bed.
That’s when I spot the burger I left here earlier.
I grab it, then glance at Nickoi. He’s already staring at me, and he does not look happy at all.
“Why yuh nuh easy yourself?” his voice is low, deadly low. The bass alone lick mi straight inna mi chest.
“Mi don’t want to tell her yet,” I mumble, taking another bite of the burger.
He hisses. “Why?” his tone sharp now. “Yuh granny nuh already aguh tell har? And yuh think mi care? Right now the way mi feel, mi would a breed yuh again just fi give har a heart a—” he stops himself.
“What?” It comes out slow.
He breathes out. “She done o’ tell yuh mother.” She hasn’t. Not yet. I know her too well. She’s waiting on me to say it first, so she can attack me the way she wants. My fingers start to tremble.
“Mi know Mommy and Mama did warn mi and… mi still go do it. Mi know what this looks like. How yuh think Mommy aguh react? Mama already set the tone for disaster and mi can’t tek no more drama, Nickoi. Mi tired.” He reaches for my hand like none of what I say matters.
“Yuh done?”
“Nickoiii” I whine, it’s soft. He already takes control of the room. He pulls me to my feet, slow and firm.
The man nah ask you again enuh lady.
“Mi hear yuh. But all that fretting nah change wah already happ’n. You a mine. And the youth inside yuh a mine too. If she can’t deal with it, she take that up to the big man.”
I try to shake my head. “No. Mi nuh ready yet…”
He hisses again. “When? When yuh aguh be ready? Mi tired fi wait pon yuh fi gather some bravery. Mi wah lif’ up from yasso. But yuh affi deh a man foot, so make it quick,” I follow his eyes to my suitcase.
Yuh hear that lady? Make it quick!
The weirdest feeling coils in my stomach. “Nickoi… Just wait it out a few. Then we talk to Mommy.”
He nods slowly. “Alright,” he says, backing off just enough. “Mi nah guh say a word until you say so.”
I breathe, finally.
“Thank you,” I whisper.
I walk away, but I feel his hand again tugging me back gently. He looks down at me, his dark eyes unreadable. A small smirk pulls at his mouth. “Still aguh tell dem brawlin’. Cause wah dem aguh do? Touch yuh? Mi dare dem.”
My heart skips. That dark stare of his burns against my skin.
“Nickoi, why yuh nuh listen?” I sigh. His eyes narrow, and the air in the room shifts.
“Fawud.” That’s all he says.
Cold.
Flat.
Final.
Even if I had any fight left in me, the look in his eyes tells me: ‘don’t try it.
’ I give up, like always. Mi nuh know how much time mi aguh seh it, but mi can never win when it come to Nickoi.
By the time we reach the living room, mi feel worse.
Mama’s already in attack mode. She doesn’t even have to speak, it’s in her eyes, her posture.
Dadadeee… Daddadaa…
Nickoi looks straight at them and just like that, Mommy smiles again.
She looks at us. “What’s up?” My head spins. I feel flushed, dizzy. The more I stay in the living room, the hotter and more anxious I get. Jesus.
Nickoi straightens. “Mi have sup’m fi mek unuh know.” His deep voice fills the space. He glances at me, then fixes on them.
Gavin smiles at me, understanding. Mama crosses her arms, then she speaks. “Pause di TV deh,” she commands, and Gavin reaches for the remote. The screen goes dark.
Mama tilts her head. “Why Zara a fret so?” Her tone drips with sarcasm.
Here we go again…
Nickoi looks at me. “Mi know Zara fraid fi mek unuh know this, so mi a mek unuh know—”
He’s about to continue, but Mommy interrupts, her voice a notch sharper. “A sup’m bad?” Her skin flushes, beads of sweat forming. She’s nervous, every muscle tense. Mama scoffs and hisses under her breath. I close my eyes, wishing I could shrink.
Nickoi steps forward. “Just listen nuh, Mommy.” His voice is firm. I sense his irritation at Mama’s hostility. I don’t look at that side of the room.
Mommy softens. “Alright, talk,” she says to Nickoi, gesturing for Mama to calm down.
He exhales and states it simply: “Mi get Zara pregnant and mi want unuh fi know bout it.” My mother gasps.
Mama chuckles coldly, and I look away in embarrassment. “Hmmm,” Mama murmurs, disapproval clear.
“Nickoi what!?” Mommy’s eyes pop wide. Mama shakes her head slowly, eyes drifting from me to nothing at all.
Mommy presses on. “Mi and you talk and you promise you wouldn’t get her pregnant, yuh know she’s not ready. She’s still in college, no job, no place. I don’t want her struggling with a baby.”
Nickoi nods to me. “Ms. Michelle, mi understand. Mi love Zara, so mi nah make her struggle. And mi want har fi have har own things yes but mi nuh have a problem fi support har until she get har own or until she get a job yuh zi mi. She nuh in school again enuh she basically done har exams and have graduation lef and she can get a job anytime. So dem thing deh gov.”
Tears prick my eyes watching him. Mommy reaches for her tissue, wiping tears away. Then, unexpectedly, she steps toward him and hugs him, her chubby arms snaking around his tall, sculpted frame.
“You know why mi hug yuh?” she whispers. “Because you’re not the kind of man weh allow baby fi hold yuh back, but here you are breaking the stereotypes for my daughter. Mi see you truly want what’s best for her, and I respect that.”
Her sobs shake her voice. My own tears leak as she continues: “She’s very emotional… she couldn’t manage a babyfather drama. So I’m happy you’re stepping up to your responsibility. Thank you Nickoi.”
“A true,” Gavin chimes in. The corner of my lips curling into a smile. “At first mi judge him, mi did feel say him would hurt her, but now mi see that him love har bad bad.”
A dat him did seh yes.
Her eyes glisten as they meet mine, and I feel my own tears start to fall. See who yuh get the Bally Bally trait from.
“Right,” Mommy nods. “A baby is a blessing, so mi naggo complain. Mi just.. mi just worried. Mi nervous but mi happy—for both of you. I love you.”
We embrace—broken sobs released, then she cups my face. “I always see you as a mother, Zara. I didn’t expect it so soon, but I’m happy.” She kisses my forehead. “I just wanted you stable first, with your degree, your job, but everything happens for a reason. Mi naggo question anything.”
I whisper, “Thanks, Mommy for understanding and I love you more.”
Nickoi stares at me, his face unreadable. I look away, clinging to my mom instead. Mama finally turns around, her glare cutting straight through Nickoi like a blade.
“Mi did know yuh get har pregnant from she walk in here,” Mama says, her voice tight with anger. “Mi just did a wait fi see how long unuh woulda tek fi come tell me!” Bwoy mi a tell yuh.
Gavin quietly gets up and heads to the front. Mi nuh wrong him. The tension in the living room is heavy enough to choke on.
Mama’s glare doesn’t leave Nickoi. Her eyes drill into him, her voice shaking with anger. “Wah di devil sen’ yuh fi do? Mash up mi granddaughter life!?”
Nickoi only chuckles, shaking his head. He doesn’t say a word, and somehow that pisses her off more.
Mommy intervenes— “Mom, it’s enough.”
Mama counters. “Mi cya believe you enuh Michelle… yuh only concern is Zara being financially stable fi deal with her baby but yuh nah think about the danger weh this bwoy a go put har inna?!” mama argues.