21. Trina
TRINA
I wasn’t sure I was going to say it until I walked into his office. Joking around with Ryan and negotiating with Casey was a welcome distraction, but the moment I laid eyes on him, I had this inexplicable need to wrap myself in his arms and let him hold me.
No, that’s not entirely true. I can explain it. I watched Casey be Big Brother of the Year. I’ve seen his grief over his mother’s death firsthand several times. And then in a fit of feeling like I should appreciate what I’ve got, I told my aunt she could give my mother my phone number.
And then nothing happened. I mean, my aunt seemed happy, but the Earth didn’t stop moving.
My carefully constructed life didn’t come crashing down.
I did spend a week jumping every time the phone rang, picking it up with my heart in my throat, only to see that it wasn’t her.
And then having to wrestle with how I felt about that—was I happy she didn’t call, or sad?
The only thing I could settle on was that this wasn’t fair.
I was probably the only one who cared if she called or not, which made me angry.
Only to start the whole process over again.
And all of that is not to mention the nightmares I keep having about being taken away from my home, probably triggered by that day looking for Robert.
My nails are a mess. The bags under my eyes probably look like bruises.
And yet the only thing I’ve wanted to do is talk to Casey.
Not even just fuck him, though I want to do that too.
But he opened up to me and shared a bit of his family life, and everything was just…
fine. We went out to eat like friends, and I went home. That’s it.
I was able to take some of the stress off Casey’s shoulders. Why couldn’t he do the same for me?
And then I’d remember that having a brother with a disability is very different from having an estranged mother with a drug addiction, not to mention a history of being part of a family who didn’t even want me there. He shouldn’t be ashamed of his family, and he isn’t. But I am ashamed of mine.
Telling him about it would maybe be good for me, but it’s so much more than a third bubble of conversation. It’s a whole bathtub, and I’m not sure if the water is warm.
All of this is operating under the massive assumption that we could keep working together if I disclosed any of this, if it led to a deeper relationship than the one we agreed to in the first place.
Eventually people would talk, Suzanna would find out, and the one permanent thing in my life would be at risk.
And the bigger problem—the one I have a hard time admitting, even to myself—is what will happen to me if he rejects me too.
If he hears about my family and my nightmares and everything else that’s wrong with me and decides it’s too much for him.
That he didn’t get into this to be some kind of therapist for someone as broken as me.
So, when I walked in this office and saw him there and wanted for him to hug me more than I’ve dared to want anything in a long time, I knew I had to end it.
And then I tried to explain it, and my words got all tangled, so I switched gears until I could regulate myself enough to say it.
Casey stares at me, his face infuriatingly unreadable like it always is when he’s holding something back. It makes me want to squirm under his inscrutable gaze or jump up and leave altogether.
“Shouldn’t keep doing what?” he says finally, his voice low and measured.
I let out a frustrated sigh. “You know what.”
“I thought we were on the same page. Just ten minutes ago, you were telling me my personal life doesn’t scare you—”
“It doesn’t,” I cut him off. “But we’d be stupid to continue this and pretend like it didn’t change things.”
“Is it so bad if it did?”
Would it be so bad if I fell for you and you left me too? Yes. That would be very bad. Especially in the middle of negotiating this deal.
I evade his question. “Once Imani signs with you, we’ve got five books to work on together. You’re a big hotshot now so I guess you get to make your own rules, but if Suzanna finds out...”
“How would she ever find out?”
I leap to my feet, my hands flailing away from my sides.
“God, it is infuriating when you continually answer me with hypothetical questions. I don’t know how she’d find out, but I know I’d be in deep shit if she did, and I’ve got bills to pay and a job I’d like to keep.
Not to mention a ton of other stuff you don’t even want to know about.
” I clamp my mouth shut. I didn’t mean for that to slip out, and I dare to hope that he’s going to focus on the work part of what I said.
But when he slowly rises to his feet and comes around to the front of his desk, his intense gaze tracking me the whole time, I know I won’t be so lucky.
“What if I did want to know?” he asks, then catches himself. “That’s not a hypothetical question. That’s a very real one. What if I said I don’t care what changes between us. That I want you to tell me everything about you? That you can’t scare me away that easily?”
“I can,” I say on a shaky laugh.
Casey shakes his head, his eyes never leaving mine. “Try me.”
“No.”
He studies me for another moment, then leans back on his heels.
A concession, if a small one. “I can’t make you talk to me, nor will I try.
But Trina…” He takes two steps toward me, so close now, our chests could touch if I inhaled deeply.
He brings his hands up to cup my face. “I’m right here.
That’s not hypothetical either. Do you really want to walk away from that? I won’t stop you.”
My eyelids flutter closed. I can hardly think with the warmth radiating off him, his clean linen scent enveloping me.
“No,” I say again. It’s breathier, but no less true.
All the worries about my job pale in comparison to this desire that rises within me.
The only thing I’ve wanted since I walked in was to be in his arms. The next best thing would be to lose myself in his body, to borrow a little bit of his strength for a time.
I sense Casey shift, and one of his palms is replaced by his lips on my neck. “I’ll take whatever you give me,” he whispers, the words skittering over my skin and resting on my heart.
“This is all I can give you.” I press my palms into the back of his head, keeping him right there as he nips my collarbone, drawing a soft moan from my throat.
His hand meets my lower back, pulling me closer, and yes, this is exactly where I want to be.
No feelings, but feeling something all the same—his tenderness, his lips at my neck, the building anticipation in my core.
He meets my lips in a searing kiss, full of pent-up desire.
There’s something else there too, though I can’t place it, and when his tongue starts dancing with mine, I don’t want to bother trying.
When I roll my hips against him, he chuckles darkly. “I thought you said you’re not going to fuck me in my office.”
“I’m not going to wait for an hour drive back to the city to have you inside me.” I start fumbling with his belt. “And besides, everyone is gone. This place was a ghost town when I came in.”
Something snaps in him. He takes his wallet out of his back pocket and removes a square foil package, then tosses the wallet on the ground.
He walks me backward until my back hits the wall.
As he kisses me again, he bunches the fabric of my skirt up in his fists, lifting it up my hips.
He slips my panties to the side and drags a finger through my wetness, circling my clit in exactly the right way to make my knees buckle underneath me.
Gone is his tenderness from earlier. It has been replaced by an almost feral need to possess me—to claim me, I realize as he presses a finger into me, then another.
I clutch his shoulders, digging my nails into the fabric of his shirt. “Fuck, Casey,” I gasp. His fingers pump in and out of me, and his thumb resumes circling my clit. An orgasm builds so quickly, it takes me by surprise. “I’m going to come.”
“You’d better be quiet,” he demands. “In case anyone is still here. Can you do that for me, baby?”
I try to answer him, but my orgasm barrels into me like a speeding train. I lean forward, letting him support my weight and biting his shoulder to keep myself from crying out. He holds me through it, drawing out waves of pleasure as I breathe him in.
When it fades, he removes his hand and sets me back against the wall. “Are you okay to stand?”
Dazed, I nod as I bite my lip and allow my gaze to trail lazily over his body. Even fully clothed, he’s gorgeous. And lucky me, he’s still holding the condom in his other hand. “Are you going to fuck me?”
“Yes.” He undoes his belt and fly and lets his pants and boxers fall to his thighs. His cock stands at attention as he strokes it a few times, eyes locked on mine.
By the time he rolls the condom over his length, I can feel the slickness building again between my legs. I gather up my skirt and start to turn around so I’m facing the wall, but Casey gives a sharp shake of his head.
“No. I want you looking at me as I fuck you, Trina.”
My breath catches, and my first inclination is to refuse. His gaze is dangerous, and I’m already perilously close to the edge.
But when Casey tells me to do something, I comply. That’s our thing. So I lean back against the wall and give him my best, challenging look as I spread my legs and hike up my skirt.
He presses himself to me, pushing my panties to the side again and lining himself up with my entrance.
I hook a leg over his hip to give him easier access, but he cups his hands under my ass and lifts me off the ground so my weight is half supported by the wall and half by him.
He uses the leverage to push forward, and with a few thrusts, he’s fully seated.
The glorious length of him fills me to the brim.
He fits me perfectly. I don’t think there’s been anyone who has ever been as perfect for me, or who has ever made me feel this good.
I must have made a noise because Casey covers my mouth with his, and his lips on mine heightens the sensation as he pulses in and out of me. At first, his pace is almost torturously slow, but as if he can’t hold himself back, he picks up speed.
He pulls his head back and looks me in the eyes. “You’re beautiful like this,” he whispers. “Giving yourself over to me, losing yourself in me. You’re a work of art.”
“Oh god,” I breathe. “Casey.”
“I love when you say my name,” he mutters into my ear. “I want my name to be the only one you say like that.”
When I turn my head, I find he’s already watching me. Once his gaze captures mine again, I can’t look away.
“That’s it, baby. Eyes on me,” he encourages as he shifts me slightly so my clit hits his pelvis with every thrust.
“Oh,” I exclaim. “Yes. Please, Casey. Don’t stop.”
“Can you come for me again?”
“Yes. I’m so close.” I want to shut my eyes, to focus on the sensations and tune out all the other noise, but I can’t look away from him. He has me in a chokehold with just his gaze, and I fear if I block him out, I’ll lose.
The combination of his body and his warm, brown eyes has my walls fluttering around him before I give myself over to the pleasure completely. Then, I do squeeze my eyes shut as I concentrate on making as little noise as possible while my orgasm crashes into me, wave after wave after wave.
Casey’s thrusts become faster, then he thickens as he empties himself into the condom and buries his face in my neck.
Our breathing eventually slows, and he pulls out of me, helping me stand again. I busy myself, fixing my panties and skirt and hair as I awkwardly try to avoid looking at him as he rights himself.
“This is normally the time where I offer you food,” he jokes. “But…uh…I don’t have any.”
“That’s okay.” I shrug. “I’m not hungry.”
“You’re always hungry.”
When I finally look at him, he looks exactly the same as when I walked in.
His clothes aren’t even rumpled. It’s as if nothing just happened.
Meanwhile, I don’t know if I look like a mess, but I sure feel like one.
My heart is still racing, my lips feel bruised, my legs are weak, and there’s something settling in my chest that I can’t quite identify, or maybe I don’t want to.
I force myself to laugh lightly, the sound so incongruous with the emotions in my chest. “You got me there. But I do really want to get home and go over this offer with Imani. She’s been emailing me daily.”
Casey regards me strangely, his hands in his pockets. “You sure you’re okay?”
“Better than okay,” I rush to assure him. “Send that offer over. I’ll call you with updates.”
He frowns slightly. “You don’t need an update to call me.”
“I know,” I say.
We stand there in silence, neither of us seeming to want to make the first move.
We’ve never done this before, where I’ve left immediately after.
It doesn’t feel right, but I also know that I need a nice car ride with loud music to help me sort through everything that we said here, and if I don’t leave soon, it’ll make this messier than it already is.
So I take a step toward the door. “We’ll talk, Casey.”
He doesn’t say anything, so I quickly leave his office and make my way out into the humid, August evening.