Chapter 20
twenty
Matias
There’s something eerie about the hospital in the middle of the night. Time doesn’t feel real—nothing feels real.
“It’s called an orbital bone fracture,” the middle-aged doctor says, pushing a pair of delicate glasses up her nose. “First responders noted that your friend wasn’t wearing his seatbelt correctly, which I suspect aggravated the extent of his injuries.”
I nod, pinching the base of my nose and glancing at my sleeping friend on the hospital bed.
A series of machines beep around him, his face purple, blood-soaked and covered in gauze.
If I didn’t know what his tattoos looked like, I wouldn’t even recognize him.
Bile pushes up my throat violently, and I have to step away from my friend to keep it down.
“What will his recovery look like?” Natalia’s voice is calm and soft like a bell, and I’ve never been happier to have this woman beside me as she takes over.
“He is currently sedated. When he came in, he was too disoriented and agitated for treatment, so we’re keeping him under observation for now. We’ve also put him on a regimen of medications to keep swelling minimal—but there is still a chance he may have severe brain swelling in the coming days.”
Natalia nods firmly, arms wrapped around herself. “…And if all goes well?”
The doctor looks between us. “If everything goes well, and swelling is minimal, he will be in the ICU until deemed neurologically stable. I’m afraid I don’t have a timeline for that.
” The doctor opens her mouth, and hesitates, like she’s not quite sure how much to say.
“Patients with these types of fractures usually suffer some type of visual impairment.”
I freeze, turning to face the doctor. “Are you saying he’ll be blind?”
“Not necessarily. Your friend is young, with healthy optic nerves. But the swelling in that area can cause double vision, blurred vision…even temporary loss of vision. It wouldn’t be unusual for him to be unable to see when he wakes up.
In most patients, this clears up over the course of a few weeks as the eyes heal.
In others…” She presses her lips into a thin line.
“There is a small chance this injury will have more long-term consequences. I don’t say this to scare you—” she says sharply, looking at me. “I want you to be prepared.”
I stare at my feet and nod, swallowing what feels like a bag of rocks. “Right.”
Natalia steps forward, running a hand along my back. “Thank you, Doctor Engman.”
The doctor excuses herself with a hushed goodbye and disappears into the dimly lit ICU corridor. Natalia busies herself, closing the privacy curtains of the suite and fluffing Santos’ blankets, standing over him with a grim look on her face.
The last time I was in a hospital was the night Natalia was shot.
If I blink hard enough, I see her laying on the bed in dreamless sleep. Her body was so small, surrounded by so many machines?—
“He’s going to be okay.” She says firmly, completely misreading the look on my face.
I stand on the other side of the hospital bed, staring at my longest friend and sighing. “I always get on his ass for not wearing the seatbelt right. He’s always throwing it over his shoulder. Fucking dumbass.” I say quietly, feeling like shit when he doesn’t insult me back.
“Santos is stubborn. You know he likes to live on the edge.”
I hum. She’s not wrong, but I don’t like it. “I guess.” Surely, there must be more that I could’ve done. Something that would have stopped this from happening…
“You can’t possibly blame yourself for this, Matias.”
I lick my lower lip, trying to find the words. “It’s not blame, exactly. I know it’s not my fault. I’m just tired.”
“Tired?”
I want to explain, but how can I? She doesn’t know this life like I do. She had the spoiled version of it, not the messy version—the version that has to lie, borrow, and steal to stay on top. Natalia’s always had a silver spoon in her mouth.
I stare at my friend, and I know that I don’t have a way to put the dread I’m feeling into words.
“You wouldn’t understand.” I say, but it’s not until she turns to me with wrinkled brows that it occurs to me who I’m speaking to.
“I wouldn’t understand?” And suddenly, we’re both thinking of that horrible day when our relationship ended.
I pinch the bridge of my nose. “I didn’t mean it like that.”
“No, no. You’re right.” She says flippantly. “In this situation, I was the one fighting for her life on the hospital bed, so I have absolutely no idea what you’re going through right now.” She’s the only person in the world that can make me feel small.
But just because I allow it doesn’t mean the words don’t strike a nerve.
“You think that was a walk in the park for me?” She has no idea. The weeks where she was in the hospital, I didn’t sleep a wink. Didn’t feel anything but a hollow void where my heart was supposed to be. It was the most I’ve ever sacrificed—the most unselfish thing I’ve ever done.
And I never stopped regretting it.
“It’s not about you, Matias! What don’t you get?” Natalia shakes her head. “At least Santos will still have you when he wakes up.”
Her voice is sharp, but something in her eyes tugs at my chest. I scrub a hand across my face and sigh. We never had an opportunity to talk about the way things ended. In the chaos that ensued after her father went to prison, there just wasn’t time. There was no room for love—only for survival.
“You never stopped having me, Natalia.” I motion between us, keeping my voice gentle. “We may not have been a couple, but…I never strayed from you.”
She gives me a fleeting glance from the corner of her eye. “What good is that for me? That’s like, starving when there’s food in the pantry.”
“There was no future for us after that raid. I was a fugitive. You were lying in a hospital bed, fighting for your life. What was I supposed to do?”
“I don’t know!” She hisses, looking down at my friend and biting her lip. “But waking up on that hospital bed, and losing everything, only for you to tell me you were leaving?” She lets out a blustery breath. “Well, I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy.”
“Natalia, you hated this life. You hated everything about it. And then it almost killed you. How could I love you, how could I ask you to stay, when it would have only made you miserable? Hm?” I take a step forward, feeling equal parts awful and satisfied when she bites her lip.
“I barely had enough time to sneak into that hospital to make sure you were alive and I’ve been running from the cops ever since.
Is this the life you want?” I hold out my hands.
The silence that rings between us is only punctured by the beeping of hospital machines. I step around Santos’ bed, standing toe to toe with Natalia, her hair messy as she looks up at me.
“I hope that one day, you understand how badly I wanted to stay beside you. That you understand that I’ve been living in your shadow for years.
” I whisper, tracing a finger along her jaw.
“Staying would have meant rotting in prison, unable to keep you safe. At least this way I made sure none of the bullshit ever touched you. This life asks sacrifices of all of us. And you are the one thing I’m not willing to bend on. ”
Her throat bobs, eyes blinking uncertainly up at me. It kills me that she thought I ended things over nothing—over some trivial problem that had an easy solution. This life doesn’t have such things.
A low grumble from the bed draws our attention. “That’s…really romantic.” Santos slurs. “But…could someone please turn the lights on? I can’t seeeeeee…” He sings, high as a kite from whatever drugs the emergency department pumped him with.
Natalia’s eyes fly to the dimly lit sconce by the hospital bed, her forehead creasing as she comes to stand next to Santos.
“Hi Santos. You were in an accident.” She says gently. “You hit your head, and we have to protect your eyes for a little while. So just…rest up and try to sleep, okay?” Natalia glances at me for help, and I immediately clench my friend’s shoulder.
“She’s right, ass—Santos.” I correct, nearly avoiding the insult that comes like second nature between us. “Why don’t you sleep for a little while longer?”
Santos yawns, and nuzzles his pillow. “Fine.” He almost drifts off, before tensing and flicking a hand. “Wait. Matias…are you there?”
“I’m here.” I step closer to him, taking hold of his hand, my stomach twisting when I notice how cold it.
“They…ambushed me…”
Oh, fuck. “It’s okay. Toledo is looking into it. She’ll find whoever did this.”
“No.” He mumbles. “I was checking on the shipment.”
Natalia furrows her brow and turns to look at me. “What shipment? We haven’t gotten anything today.”
Santos whines before I can make up a lie. “No…no! I’m talking about the big one. You are going to laugh when you find out where it issss...” He sings, chuckling under his breath like I’m not about to strangle him.
“Ignore him.” I tell Natalia easily. “He’s high as a kite. I have no idea what he’s talking about.”