Chapter 25
twenty-five
Natalia
Sylvia is sprawled on my couch when I hustle through the door, and I know better than to ask how she found my spare key.
She always seemed to know me better than I knew myself.
The door clicks quietly behind me, the only sound in my humble living room coming from the distant barking of Don Pedro’s old pit bull down the street.
“…She’s here now. Yeah…I know. I’ll talk to you later. Love you too.” She ends the call, placating Aaron before he tries to referee what’s about to go down. I expel a sigh, my legs feeling like rubber as I toss my keys on the little dish by the front door.
It’s not that I’m scared of Sylvia.
But she knows me just about better than anyone else. She knows me in a way only family does, and has enough balls to push all my buttons until I turn into a version of myself I don’t recognize.
I’m not scared of her. I’m scared of who I become with her.
“Your place looks really clean.” She says, inspecting the back of her nails.
I pause. Watch her. “Thanks?”
And then the gloves come off. “Are you living with him?”
“Of course not.” I narrow my eyes. “Why would you ask me something like that?”
Sylvia gives me a delicate shrug. “It’s the only thing that makes sense. For you.”
“For me? What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” I rear back, swallowing a deep breath through my mouth and holding it.
“He’s the only man you’ve ever loved, Nati. You always lost your head when it came to Matias.” Her voice softens, but for some reason, it doesn’t make me feel better.
Something about the way she talks nags at the back of my head.
Makes irritation bubble and swirl in my stomach.
Like I’m a stupid lost case that doesn’t know her left hand from her right.
I love her, but I’ll be damned if I’m lorded over and scolded by someone who just barely got their shit together less than two years ago.
Once she met Aaron.
“I lost my head over a man? Remember when you were dating Reynaldo, who spent the better part of a year hunting you down to kill you? Who kidnapped you?”
Sylvia arches a brow. “We’re talking about your ex right now, not mine. Besides—I was actually able to stay away from him once I dumped his ass to the curb.” Oh, please.
“That’s convenient.” I roll my eyes. “How much did Agent Bryce tell you?”
“He—he said that you signed up for some harebrained undercover investigation to get Matias in prison.” She rolls her eyes, a silent beat echoing between us.
I drop onto the sofa, inspecting my sister from head to toe. She looks good now. Healthy weight, rounded pink cheeks, eyes full of spark. But if I close my eyes and root around my memory, I still remember the version of her that only found solace at the end of a little white line.
I remember the version of her that got high every weekend, that needed constant attention. The one whose life was an absolutely fucking dumpster fire. And something about her standing over me, with a pitying look in her eyes, makes me snap.
“You think you have it all figured out?” I lean back on the sofa and spread my arms. “Why don’t you enlighten me, Sylvia? Why don’t you stand up there and tell me everything I’m doing wrong with my life?”
She blinks. “This isn’t about being wrong, Natalia.
You think I don’t know you? Agent Bryce may fall for your ‘helping the authorities’ bullshit, but I know you better than that.
You’d run straight into a fucking fire if he were waiting on the other side!
You throw all caution straight into the wind! ”
Her voice echoes in my apartment, and I wonder if anyone outside can hear us arguing.
“Why do I have to be the one that always thinks responsibly, Sylvia?” My question is quiet, low, but I keep going.
Because this inquisition feels like a dam breaking.
“No one told you anything when you were strung out of your mind everyday. No one scolded you when you decided to get in bed with your fucking psycho drug-peddling ex, I’ve never done anything but try to support you, Sylvia.
And somehow, when it’s my turn, I have to be responsible?
I can’t live my life the way I want to?”
Sylvia shakes her head. “You already did, Natalia. The first time you were with him—remember that? Remember when you ended up in the hospital and he fucking left you?! You almost died!”
“Of course I fucking remember!” My voice is raw, fraying at the edges. No one remembers the ache of being alone in that darkened hospital room, wishing he would come. No one remembers like I do. “But I’m not done with him, Sylvia.”
She grumbles something under her breath and shakes her head.
“I love you, Nati. And you’re so good, and you’ve been through so much. You deserve stability and happiness. I need you to be okay.”
I think of the time before I kicked all of this into motion. Where I was ‘happy’ and lived a boring little life. Happy on the outside.
Hollow on the inside.
“I wasn’t happy then, though. Everyone else was moving through life, living, and I was just…sitting on the sidelines. I made my whole life making sure I was stable for everyone else.” And now that I’m living life for myself, I don’t know how to slow down.
“You think getting back into that life is the solution? For some excitement? Are you serious right now? He’s not the solution to your problem—you can find love somewhere else.”
“Oh, please. Sylvia, you hated him before we even broke up. You hated everything about my relationship with him. You always have. It was never about Matias.”
She stops and bites her lip.
I’m right.
I remember our argument about Matias like it was yesterday, and even before everything ended, we’ve been having the same discussions.
“You’ve always been so overprotective of me.
Because if I’m stable, then I can catch you when you fall.
I can help you pick up the pieces of your life every time it falls apart.
I can be on the sidelines, waiting for you to call so you can rant about Aaron at a moment’s notice.
Maybe I didn’t tell you about Matias because I was protecting my feelings.
But your protection is selfish, too. I can’t be that person for you anymore.
I love you, Sylvie. But I need to live my life.
Danger and all. Mistakes and all. Just like you. ”
Saying the words feels like a weight off my chest, and even though I’m figuratively six feet under shit right now, I feel lighter than I have in ages. No more hiding. No more appeasing.
“I know I sound like a bitch right now Natalia, but you have no idea what it felt like to watch you get shot that day. One day I was high, and the next I was standing in the emergency room…praying that the only person I loved didn’t die.
The only person that saw the good in me.
” Her voice cracks. “You see the good in everyone, Nati. That’s why I think you deserve better.
Because you’re good to everyone. I just want someone that treats you the same way. ”
My resolve cracks, the anger in my belly dissipating when Sylvia wipes a stray tear from the corner of her eye. I love that she sees the best of me. I love my sister so much, that I can’t help but drop my walls and talk to her from my heart.
“I try to be good, Sylvia. But sometimes…sometimes I don’t know how much of it is real, and how much of it was just a survival mechanism. When I’m with Matias…I can just…be. I can be the worst version of myself, and he’s not scared off. I don’t have to pretend to be someone I’m not.”
“You can be that way with me, too.” She says quietly.
“I plan on it.” I say, giving her a small grin. “So I’m going to do a lot of shit that pisses you off, Sylvia. Starting with this.”
Sylvia sighs beside me. “You’re not really going to turn him over to Agent Bryce, right?”
“I don’t know.” I admit quietly, the real answer sitting like an elephant between us.
I don’t think I could give him up even if I had a gun to my head.
“Do you think he’ll really change this time?”
It’s my turn to sigh. “I don’t know, Sylvia.” I walk into the kitchen, getting lost in the refrigerator before she can pelt me with anymore hopeless questions.