Chapter Twenty-Six
T he final days of the retreat pass in a blur of conference rooms, droning talks, and the occasional group activity. It’s clear after three weeks of late nights, too much partying, and many hours spent sitting in hard plastic chairs that everyone is feeling the effects, leaving us all with the deflated vitality of worn-out pillows.
It’s the day before they announce the training program recipients and the exec team has retreated to their whisky-soaked corner to make their decision while Lan, Gabrielle, Rafe, and I toast on the deck of a small luxury yacht as it bobs through the waves. Lan and Gabrielle still needed to collect on the prize they won on trivia night, and if you’d told me then that Rafe would be my plus-one for this excursion, I would never have believed it.
I decided to bow out of the interview with EnviroTech, tentatively hopeful after my golf game with Diane. I’ve given five years of my life to this place, and if I’m chosen, then I think I owe it to myself to see this through. Maybe it’s a signal that things could change for me at WMC.
“Thanks for inviting me,” Rafe says after we’ve finished our scrumptious dinner. We’ve spent the day on the water, cruising past islands, swimming in lagoons, and eating to our hearts’ content.
“Well, we really like Tris, and you two appear to be attached at the hip these days. It wouldn’t have been right to leave you behind,” Gabrielle says, and everyone laughs.
“I really like her too,” Rafe says, and my entire body goes warm at the inflection in his voice. Lan and Gabrielle do that thing where they tilt their heads and make swoony eyes. I scoop out an ice cube from my glass of water and toss it at Gabrielle. She screeches when it lands on her lap.
“Stop that,” I say, trying to redirect the conversation. “What about you? You seem to have formed a happy little club of two.”
Lan and Gabrielle exchange a shy glance that brings a smile to my face.
“We’re planning to try it long distance and see how things go,” Lan says as they fold their hands together, fingers entwined on the table. “We’ll do weekends in either New York, depending on the training program, Seattle, or Florida and maybe meet somewhere in the middle sometimes.”
“Ooh, how about Chicago?” I suggest, and they both beam at me.
“We were hoping you’d say that,” Gabrielle says. I let out a squeal of delight and clap my hands. “Assuming you’re there of course.”
“It would be amazing if we were all in New York, too. We can go on double dates!” Lan exclaims. “But you still have to tell us, where does one go for dessert in Chicago?”
Rafe rattles off some of his favorite restaurants, insisting they must try Chicago’s most famous strawberry cheesecake. As they quiz him about the best places for cupcakes and pastries and milkshakes, I begin spiraling. We have one day left. After that, we’ll get on a plane and return home.
Until this moment, I hadn’t really considered what would happen if I ended up in New York for a year. Before my conversation with Diane, it had never seemed like a possibility. Rafe doesn’t want to work for WMC, so would he even take the spot if he gets it like I suspect?
I hadn’t given much thought to what happened after this, because I’d convinced myself this would be over once we left this place. But now, I can’t help but weigh the possibilities. We could end up in different cities, and I couldn’t ever have another relationship where I wouldn’t see him half the time, but we could also end up in New York together, and that could mean I’d be forced to finally reconcile with my fears.
Panic swells in my gut as I consider every side.
“Wanna go for a swim?” Lan asks. “The captain said this is a nice calm spot.”
Everyone is looking at me. I’ve gone off into my head again. I give it a shake.
“I’m good, thanks.”
I need some space. I’m going to throw up. I shove my chair back and head for the front of the boat, where I climb onto the bow’s sun pad, tilting my face to the warm sunlight filtering from the sky.
I’m there for a few minutes when I feel someone behind me.
“Mind if I join you?” Rafe asks, holding two small plates topped with coconut tarts. I peer over at him. His feet are bare, and the cuffs of his navy pants are rolled up. His thin white shirt is buttoned only partway, and the wind buffets against it, exposing the taut planes of his bronzed stomach and chest. He’s so beautiful it makes my throat hurt.
“Since you brought dessert, sure,” I say, trying to fluff up my tone, but it comes out wrong. He sits cross-legged with his knee pressed against my thigh and sets the plates down.
“You okay?” he asks. “You got up very suddenly back there.”
I’m not sure I can tell him the entire truth, so I settle for a partial one. “I’m a little brokenhearted about having to leave all this and go back home. It’s so lovely here.” I sweep out a hand to encompass the pristine blue water and the emerald-green mountains casting afternoon shadows over the boat.
“It’s been pretty spectacular,” Rafe agrees, but he’s not looking at the scenery. He’s studying me so intensely that I swallow a thick knot in my throat.
He presses a kiss to my shoulder. “I meant what I said back there, Tris. I really like you.”
Dark brown eyes reflect in a golden ray of sunlight as Rafe watches me, expectant and… hopeful? I’m not sure what to do with the tight ball of emotion expanding in my chest.
“I really like you too,” I say, and the words feel like a confession and a vow.
A smile crosses Rafe’s face. This is a brand-new one. This one is brighter and more beautiful than all the rest combined. I study that smile, committing it to my growing library, worried this will be the one and only time I see it.
“Why are you looking at me like that?”
“Do you know that until last week, you’d never smiled at me before?”
Rafe blinks. “What? That’s not true. I smiled at you all the time.”
I shake my head. “No. You smirked. You gave me a smug or sarcastic twist of your lips, but it was never a true smile. You smiled at everyone else, so I knew it was possible, but I thought it was because you hated me. It wasn’t until that night on the balcony when you gave me the macarons that you smiled at me for real, and now you do it all the time, and it’s… hard to get used to.” His brow furrows and I quickly add, “I mean that in a good way. Your smile is the best, Rafe.”
He lets out a soft chuckle as he drops his head forward.
“What’s so funny?”
He takes my hand, pressing it to his chest as he tucks a strand of hair behind my ear. “Tris. That wasn’t because I hated you but because I thought you hated me. That first day we met, we got off on such a wrong foot, and I guess I just got used to that being how it was between us.”
“I’m sorry. It wasn’t your fault.” I let that hang between us. “When I bumped into you that day, I got scared. I was still broken after what happened with Leo, and you were so pretty, and I was drawn to you immediately, and… I felt this spark, so I pushed you away. I couldn’t fathom the idea of losing myself to anyone ever again.”
He studies me as the breeze tosses his hair and his expression becomes unreadable. Does he hate me now ?
“I felt it, too,” he says softly as the band around my heart releases. “It was like time stopped for a moment, but then you looked at me like I’d just kicked your puppy, and I didn’t know what to do. You were the first person I’d ever met who I couldn’t seem to win over.”
I huff out a rueful laugh. “All of this was my fault.”
He shakes his head. “I pushed back, Tris. It’s my fault, too. I wanted so badly to get any kind of reaction from you, but I meant what I said that you made me better, and maybe this was just the path we had to take.” His smile turns sly. “And do you have any idea how beautiful you are when you’re angry? Fuck, it turns me on.”
“Rafe!” I say, giving him a good-natured shove. “Stop it.”
He’s laughing, and again, I’m struck by how much I love it. “What can I say? It’s true.”
I sigh. “I convinced myself you were so wrong for me because that felt safer. I realize how unfair I was being now. I’d put you in a box with the rest of the Khakis.”
“Khakis?”
“You know, the bland, mediocre white dudes who make up the majority of WMC. They wear pleated khakis and couldn’t find their way to a clitoris if their life depended on it.”
He looks so deeply affronted by my statement that I feel the twitch of a smile.
“First off, I have heard no complaints in the department of finding your clitoris, and I have never worn pleated khakis in my life,” he says with so much passion I burst out laughing. “Whose term is this?”
I’m laughing so hard that tears are leaking from my eyes. “Me and Molly. It’s our inside joke. I’m sorry. I see now that’s not who you are.”
I stop laughing at the expression on his face. He’s looking at me like he wants to peel me open and examine every thought in my head.
“I want to keep seeing you when we get home,” Rafe says with so much sincerity that his voice cracks. “I don’t want this to be over.”
“What about the training program?”
“I’m not accepting it no matter what happens,” he says. “If my father maneuvered a spot for me, I’m not taking it. I need to break away from WMC—I just have to figure out how without causing a world war with my parents.” He kisses my fingers. “And if you move to New York, then we’d figure it out. If Lan and Gabrielle can make it work, we can too.”
I let out a deep breath. “Rafe…”
“Don’t answer me yet. Just think about it, okay? You’re the most incredible woman I’ve ever known. Promise me it won’t be goodbye when we get home on Sunday. That it’ll be ‘let’s wait and see.’ Please give me a chance to prove I’m worth it.”
“Rafe,” I whisper.
Of course he’s worth it. I don’t have to think about it to know he’s worth all of it.
I think about everything we’ve been through the past three weeks. Of all the things I never knew about Rafe. He’s been there for me in ways I never realized, supporting me and standing in my corner. He makes me feel beautiful and alive and like I can conquer the world.
Despite how much I put him through, he wants to be with me.
And… I want to be with him, too.
Something inside of me breaks. A hard shell I’ve been wearing for the past five years begins to crack. Striations run along my skin, exposing bits of raw flesh.
And it’s at that moment I realize I’m in love with Rafe Gallagher. Maybe a part of me was from the very start.
He’s watching me so carefully that I see the flecks of yellow and orange in his eyes. I study the tiny scar on his chin and the curl that rests on his forehead. All those pieces of him I’ve fallen in love with, too.
He touches my cheek, fingers caressing my skin, and I fall even more.
“Say something, Tris.” His voice is soft and deep. It reaches straight through to my toes, and I fall again. I kept trying so hard to protect my heart, but Rafe gathered it up, piece by piece, holding them safely in his hands.
Finally , I think I’m ready to let go.
“Rafe, I—”
BZZBZZZZBZZZ.
That sound . That stupid fucking sound. It rips a gaping hole through my chest, reminding me why I was keeping my heart locked safely in a jar.
“Fuck,” Rafe breathes, pulling his phone from his pocket.
My laugh is part disbelief, part hysteria. “Is there even service out here? How does she keep doing that?”
He tosses me an apologetic look as the boat hits a wave, and we’re rocked to the side. The phone slips from his hand and he accidentally answers it.
“Rafe?” Hannah’s voice comes out tinny and hollow. “Rafe? Where are you? All I hear is white noise. Rafe? What’s going on?”
We both stare at the phone lying on the deck in horrified silence until, finally, he lifts his gaze to mine. I can’t tell what I see there. Regret? Remorse? Guilt? Whatever he just said, his (ex?) girlfriend is still calling him multiple times a day, and I deserve better than the third wheel. I can’t do that to myself again.
I gather up the skirt of my dress around my legs and stand. “I’ll let you get that,” I say over the sound of Hannah calling for Rafe in the background.
Rafe reaches for my wrist, wrapping his fingers around it. “No, Tris. Don’t go. I’ll tell her I can’t talk.”
“No, you should talk to her,” I say, fusing a chill into my voice. I yank my hand from his grip and shake my head, turning away so he can’t see my tears as they fall while I slide back into my armor.