Chapter Twenty
A lli’s heart was beating through her shirt. She had no idea why she’d just done that. It had happened, like she was being controlled by something other than herself. It scared her in a way, and yet at the same time there was a tiny ball of peace in her stomach. Things made sense and didn’t make sense and she didn’t know what to do about that.
Probably, almost certainly, she shouldn’t have kissed Bea like that. She shouldn’t have just grabbed her and thrown her against the wall and pressed herself against her. Even though she thought it might have been impossible not to do those things. Even though the very thought of those things made her feel hot and breathless.
Still, it had been inappropriate.
She shouldn’t have done it.
She was confused enough about it that by the time she was sitting opposite Lex, it was pretty much all she could think about.
“Have you lost your temper since the last time we met?” Lex asked.
“Huh?” Alli tore herself from her thoughts.
“I said, have you lost your temper since the last time we met?” asked Lex patiently.
Alli cocked an eyebrow. “What do you think? I’m at a stupid anger management program, aren’t I? ”
“That doesn’t mean that you’ve been angry,” said Lex. “The program might be working.”
Alli snorted and crossed her legs.
“Alright, why don’t we start with what made you angry.”
Okay, there was an issue she really didn’t want to get into. Not only because she was embarrassed that Daria had taken her for a ride, but also because she was fairly sure that she’d get into trouble in all sorts of ways. And as much as she wanted out of St. Hilda’s, she had to admit that she’d already done three days and she didn’t relish the thought of having to start anew somewhere else.
“Why don’t we not,” she said now.
“Okay,” Lex said reasonably. “Why don’t you tell me what’s at stake here?”
“What do you mean?”
“People tend to come to programs like this because they stand to lose something. What do you stand to lose, Alli?”
“My job,” Alli said, crossing her legs in the other direction.
“And what does your job mean to you?”
“Everything.” The word slipped out before Alli had thought about it. But it was at least the truth.
“I see.” Lex studied her. “I’d like to ask you what else is in your life? Friends, family, a pet perhaps?”
“Nope,” said Alli. “Just me and my job.”
“And are you happy like that?”
Alli blew out a breath. “What does happy have to do with it?” she asked. “I’ve got a job I’m fucking brilliant at. I’ve got a boss who thinks I’m a star. I make more money than you can imagine a year. What else do I need?”
“Some people don’t measure their lives in financial successes.”
“Right.” Alli rolled her eyes.
“Some people measure their lives by the number of friends they have, or the number of people they’ve helped, or by how happy they are to get up in the morning.”
“Those people are losers,” Alli said.
“You’re not a loser. ”
“Definitely not.” She was pleased that Lex was seeing her point.
Lex tapped her fingers on the arm of her chair. “You seem distracted today. More distracted than usual. Is there something that you’d like to talk about?”
Alli considered this. “Everything in here is private, right?”
“As long as you don’t tell me that you have plans to physically harm yourself or someone else, yes, anything you say is between you and I.”
An opportunity that didn’t come along often. Alli swallowed before she spoke the words. “I kissed a woman.” Another swallow. “Is that normal?”
Lex’s eyebrows raised a smidgen. “We prefer to avoid words like ‘normal’ in therapy.”
“I don’t mean like normal normal,” Alli said. “I’m not a homophobe. I don’t particularly care who kisses who.”
“What did you mean then?”
What did she mean? Good question. “I mean… I’m over thirty years old and I just kissed a woman, is that… I’m too old, aren’t I?”
“Your previous sexual experiences have been with men?”
“What there’s been of them, yeah,” said Alli. There’d been a handful, just to check. Just… She found herself speaking again. “I thought I was broken. No, I knew I was broken. I just… Didn’t feel those things.”
“What things?” asked Lex.
“Those pulse-pounding stupid things like you see in the films. I never got that. It wasn’t that I couldn’t…” She had to take another breath. Screw it. She’d started now and she was never going to have another chance like this, was she? Someone who couldn’t tell anyone else anything.
“Couldn’t what?” Lex prompted.
“I can orgasm,” Alli said, jumping in with both feet. “I mean physically, I seem to be fine. Not that I have much time for that sort of thing. I just never felt the things I was supposed to feel around men, and I sort of figured I was broken. Like how not everyone can be good at maths. I was good at maths but bad at men.”
“I see,” said Lex. “And then you kissed a woman. That concerns you?”
“Concerns me?” Alli frowned.
“I mean, how do you feel about it?”
“Hot,” Alli said. “Hot and sweaty and like my legs don’t work properly.”
Lex let a small smile escape. “Like you might not be so broken after all?”
“Yeah, yeah.” Alli turned to look out of the window. “I don’t know why her, though. She’s the opposite of me in every way that counts.”
“Opposites attract, I’m sure you’ve heard that,” Lex said. “But in a relationship sometimes opposites benefit each other, fill in the gaps in each other in a way.”
“Who’s talking about relationships?” snapped Alli, bringing her attention back to Lex.
“You kissed,” Lex said. “There’s a natural progression from there that could potentially lead to a relationship. Is that not something that you’d like?”
“Someone in my home? Someone complaining because I’m late home from work? Someone constantly needing my attention when it should be focused elsewhere?”
“Ah.” Lex nodded. “Relationships look different for different people. There’s no fixed way that these things have to go. The only thing that I would counsel you on is the fact that communication and understanding are important.”
“Okay,” Alli said slowly.
“I mean that it’s important that you’re both on the same page. If this isn’t going to lead to anything more serious for you, then the other person involved should know that.” Lex cleared her throat. “And, um, it’s not especially advisable for programmers to be involved with each other in the program. This is a difficult time for many people.”
“Yeah, that’s not a problem,” Alli said, distracted by the thought of what Bea might want, what she herself might want. She stood up. “And my time’s up. I’m getting out of here.”
“Before you go,” Lex said. “I am supposed to ask you if you have any idea what might have happened to Daria?”
“Not a clue,” Alli said as she breezed out of the therapy room.
“WHAT A MORNING,” Izzy said as she bought her lunch and sat down next to Alli.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” asked Alli, not thrilled at the prospect of lunch with Izzy, but also slightly worried that someone might have seen her kiss Bea. Or even that Bea might have told someone.
Shit. She’d been the one blackmailing Bea and now she’d turned around and given Bea blackmail material right back. Maybe Bea was going to report her for harassment. She hadn’t thought about that.
“First Daria disappears, then Charles kicking up a fuss like that,” Izzy said as she picked up her sandwich.
Alli squinted at her. “Charles kicking up a fuss?”
“Oh, right, you were in therapy,” said Izzy, putting the sandwich back down again. “Charles went off to make a phone call after breakfast, you know, like he always does.”
“Does he?” Alli was beginning to tune her out already, starting to think about her own problems. One thing was becoming quite clear to her. She shouldn’t have kissed Bea. And she definitely shouldn’t do it again. Even if the thought made her feel warm and oozy inside.
“Yes, obviously,” Izzy said. “He calls his kids and then he calls his solicitor to see how his case is going. Seriously? We’ve been here for days already.”
“Get to the point.”
“Well,” Izzy said happily, picking up her sandwich again. “He comes back from the phone and he’s seething, demanding to know where Luke is, angrier than I’d ever imagined he could get.” She took a mouthful and chewed thoughtfully. “I didn’t think he really belonged here at all, but now that I’ve seen him get angry…”
“What was he angry about, though?” asked Alli.
Izzy shrugged. “Not a clue. He didn’t say. I assume it was something someone told him on the phone, though. Probably his solicitor, since his kids are pretty young still. Haven’t seen him since either.”
“Huh.” Alli was about to say that it’d be good riddance if Charles had actually left, wet weekend that he was, but she was stopped in her tracks as Bea walked into the dining room.
In a moment she was short for breath, she was pulsing inside, and the room started to shrink and get awfully warm.
There was, she realized, a pull there, something that made her want to do the whole thing over again, even though she knew it was crazy and stupid.
Bea turned and saw her and gave a half-smile and Alli steeled herself, forced herself not to smile back.
Instead, she dumped the rest of her sandwich on her tray and got up, slamming her chair back to the table, and walking out without a word of goodbye to Izzy or anyone else.