Chapter Thirty One
“C ome on now,” Liz said. “I thought we were being a big girl and standing up for ourselves?”
“I am,” Bea said, looking around the bright, empty flat. It was small, but clean and the light was wonderful. It was also more expensive than the flat she was sharing with Robbie and Marilyn.
“Listen,” said Liz. “I can lend you a little cash if that would help?” She was balanced on her crutches with her bum on a windowsill, still learning how to get around.
Bea took a deep breath, then shook her head. “Nope, but thank you for the offer.”
“Well then, you’re going to have to go and talk to Luke, aren’t you?” Liz asked, dropping a crutch. “Bugger.”
Bea bent down to pick it up. She could stand up for herself. She could make her voice heard. She’d learned that now. It didn’t mean she relished the thought of asking for a raise, but it needed to be done. She took a deep breath, handed Liz her crutch back, and nodded. “Right, I’d better go now then.”
“No time like the present,” Liz grinned. “Want me to come with?”
Bea shook her head. “Nope, I’ve got this.”
“Good girl,” said Liz. She hesitated for a second. “Um, any more calls?”
“No.” Bea wasn’t sure if that was good or bad. Alli calling had been painful. It was hard not to pick the phone up. But at least it was a connection. Alli not calling, that was… more painful. She’d given up, Bea supposed, which she had every right to do.
“Any regrets?” Liz asked.
Bea bit her lip, then shook her head. “No. I can’t be with someone who treats me like that, who can lose her temper at any point. I can’t be with someone who doesn’t think she has a problem. I need to put myself first.”
“Good girl,” Liz said again. She reached out and Bea had to move to take her hand and squeeze it. “I’m here if you need anything.”
“I know,” Bea said. “And I’d better be going if I’m going to try and catch Luke.”
BENNY HAD DEVELOPED a strange creaking noise whenever she drove over thirty miles an hour. Bea tried hard not to think about garage bills. Actually, she tried hard not to think at all. This was a new life, she told herself. A new start, a new her, a better way of living. She was a strong, independent woman.
Which meant she could stand up for herself and put herself first and all the rest.
But she was sweaty and feeling a bit sick when she pulled up in front of St. Hilda’s. In fact, her legs were shaking so much that she worried for a second that she might not be able to walk inside.
“It’s like going to the dentist,” she told herself. “You’ve just got to get started and then it’ll be done and you’ll feel better.”
She got out of the car and really, really wished Josh was there to greet her. She’d feel better with someone friendly on side. But he was off enjoying his free time, like everyone else. She didn’t look up, she didn’t want to see the window of her room, the room where she and Alli…
It was no good, though. The second she walked inside all she could see were places where Alli had been, places she’d seen her smile, places…
She groaned. She needed to get over this. She was going to have to work here, for god’s sake. She took a breath, looked straight forward, and marched her way to Luke’s office.
But when she knocked on the door, there was no answer, despite the rustling noises she could hear coming from inside. A grinding started, like a waste disposal or a bin lorry. Bea opened the door.
“What…” began Luke, looking up from the papers he was feeding into the shredder on his desk. “Oh, it’s you.”
Bea took a breath. She could do this. Slow, loud, clear and simple, that was what Liz had said. “Good morning,” she said.
“Morning.” Luke was eyeing her suspiciously, half-shredded papers in his hand. “What do you want?”
“I would like a raise,” she said as confidently as she could. “I’ve worked a full program, during most of which I was doing two jobs and I feel that—”
“Fine, fine,” Luke said, waving a hand.
“Fine?” asked Bea uncertainly. She’d had a whole speech planned, a whole big thing, full of arguments and justifications. She’d expected Luke to put up at least a little bit of a fight.
“Yes, fine,” he said. “Um, you see anyone on your way in?”
“No.”
“No one in the car park, that sort of thing?” he asked.
“No.”
“Right. Good. Well then. I’m quite busy, as you can see.” He shook the shredded papers at her.
“Yes, right. Okay then.” Could it really be that easy?
“Right, off you go.”
“Okay, yes, um, see you next week,” she said, backing toward the door.
“Of course, yes, next week, obviously…”
And then she was pushing out of the office and back into the corridor, lightness in her heart. She’d done it, really done it.
Was this what she’d been missing her whole life? She couldn’t believe how easy all of this was. All she needed was a little courage, the ability to step forward, to make her voice heard. She’d gotten her bedroom back, just like she’d wanted. And now she’d gotten the raise that she’d needed, just like that.
Her heart was skipping beats as she walked along the corridor to the main doors, and she was pulling her phone out of her pocket.
When she got out into the sunshine, she looked at her screen. Maybe she should call Alli, tell her what she’d done. Alli would be proud, Alli would tell her that that’s all she needed, just a bit of anger, just a bit of get up and go.
She closed her eyes, breathed deeply, and stuck by her principles.
No. She couldn’t do this.
She dialed Liz instead.
“Hey stranger,” Liz answered.
“Hi, guess what?” said Bea, a smile in her voice.
???
“Are you sure about this?” Darren said.
“Deadly,” said Alli, staring out of the windscreen of the parked car toward the low, beige building in front of them.
“Good for you.”
“You didn’t have to drive me,” Alli said, turning to him. “I’m not a child. I can drive myself. I’ve got a rather nice car, actually.”
“I know,” Darren said. “I’m being supportive. That’s what friends do.”
“You know I’m gay now, right?” she asked, tilting her head a little.
“Christ.” Darren sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose between his thumb and forefinger for a second. “Okay, I have to keep reminding myself that you’re new at this friends thing. Right, I don’t want to sleep with you. That’s not why I’m here. I’m here because I’m your friend and I care about you. ”
“Why?” Alli asked.
“God knows.” He sighed again and then smiled. “Okay, because you’re smart and I like being around you. Because you’ve got a lot to offer the world. Alright? Now stop fishing for compliments.”
“I wasn’t.”
“Yes, you were. We’re here for a reason.”
She nodded. “I’ve got this. I’m going. Any second now, I’m going to get out of the car.”
“Take your time, you’re early.” He looked toward the building now too. “You sure about this place?”
“It’s got good reviews and it costs a bomb,” Alli said. “And it’s not residential. Evening classes only. I think I’ll stay out of trouble if I sleep in my own bed.”
“Fair point,” said Darren. “And when you’re ready, I can make a few calls. I’ve got contacts, we’ll get you a few interviews and I’ll write you a brilliant letter of recommendation. You’ll get a new job in no time.”
Alli nodded, stomach twisting a little. “I need to concentrate on this right now.”
“Understood.” He patted her hand. “Go on then, off you go. I’ll come and pick you up in a couple of hours. At eight, right?”
“I can take a taxi.”
“No, I’ll pick you up. Friends, remember?”
Alli grunted. “I suppose that means I’ll have to take you to the hospital when you fall drunk down the stairs or whatever.”
“No, it means that you’ll be there when I need you,” said Darren. “That’s how all this works. Now, are you going to get out, or do I have to use the ejector seat?”
Alli managed a laugh at this. “No, I’m going. And… thanks.”
It was a pleasant evening. The sun was warm and she could hear the traffic from the main road behind her. But there were flowers here and she could smell them as she walked up the path to the building.
Her hand was in her pocket and she could feel her phone. Every fiber of her wanted to call Bea, wanted to tell her that she knew, that she had made mistakes, that she was trying to fix things. But she couldn’t.
She didn’t deserve Bea. Not the way she was. Not until she had tangible proof that she’d changed, that she was worthy.
She’d had a long time to think. A long time to wonder why she’d never loved anyone before. A long time to wonder why she’d fallen for Bea, what it was about her. And she’d come to the conclusion that Bea was the only person who’d never wanted anything from her.
She’d also come to the conclusion that losing her temper with Bea was the worst thing that she’d ever done.
It took a second before she could open the door, a big deep breath before she could push and walk in. There was deep carpet on the floor, a reception desk, discreet lighting. It looked like a hotel. But Alli knew why she was there.
She walked up to the desk, put both hands on it, took a breath and then said what needed to be said. “My name’s Alli Williams, and I have an anger problem.”
The receptionist smiled. “Then you’re in the right place, Ms. Williams. Let me get you checked into our system and then your journey can get started.”
Alli bristled at the word ‘journey’. But she kept her mouth closed. She was going to do this right, with an open mind and an open heart.