Chapter 12
CHAPTER 12
ABIGAIL
I headed over to my parents’ for our family dinner, but if Dad hadn’t invited me before I’d seen my ex, I probably would’ve said no. After running into Simon at the coffee shop, I was having totally conflicting thoughts.
The instinct to be alone while I tried to puzzle this out was a powerful one, but I didn’t cancel on my folks. Not only had London made it clear that she wouldn’t let me hide away with my pain again, but I knew she would get Olivia on the phone if I even tried.
Liv would be on a plane or on our private jet within a matter of hours, and then both of my sisters would be right here in Manhattan until Simon disappeared all over again. It would be nice to have them back, but I refused to be the pathetic sister who kept them from their own lives.
On my way over to my parents’ house, I used the bit of time I had alone to consider where my thoughts were at. The conflicts were real, though.
On the one hand, I hadn’t been able to help but notice how completely attractive he was. The man was incredibly good looking. There was no getting away from that. Those green eyes had always enchanted me and they were no less mesmerizing now. I also liked the facial hair he had these days, the dark, short shadow that clung to his sculpted jaw.
All that thick hair on his head still begged me to run my fingers through it. Whenever I thought about how it’d felt to have his body covering my own again, my panties got damp and my nipples stiffened. It was terribly inconvenient.
I had never been so aware of my body before—well, not since I’d been a teenager with a super hot boyfriend, anyway—and I couldn’t say I enjoyed the distraction, but at the same, all I wanted was to be close to him.
Physically. Emotionally.
On every level, I wanted to be as close to Simon as I could get, but I knew I couldn’t allow myself to go there again. Which brought me to the conflict that had been raging inside ever since he’d reappeared in my life. It wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows now that he was back.
The other side of the way I felt was much uglier, and equally as intense and powerful. The simple fact of it was that I hated him for what he’d done to me. I wanted to make him squirm and see him suffer.
While I didn’t usually hold grudges, I couldn’t just forgive and forget with this. I wasn’t sure I would ever be able to forgive him and I wasn’t sure how to approach the situation as a result.
Arriving at my parents’ place before I could sort through my feelings any further than that, I climbed out of my car and hugged my mom and dad hello. Dad had changed out of his suit and into sweats and a T-shirt since I’d seen him this morning and Mom was a vision in a pale pink sundress, her hair a gorgeous halo around her head.
“How are you doing, baby?” she asked as they led me into their Greenwich Village townhouse where my sisters and I had grown up. “Are you feeling okay? You look a little pale.”
“I’m fine,” I fibbed, but also, it wasn’t really a lie. Just sort of. I wasn’t not fine either. “Please tell me you’re making your famous ramen bowls for dinner. I could really use some comfort food tonight.”
“You guessed it.” Mom chuckled and gave me a nod as she looked at me over her shoulder. “I figured it was time for an old family favorite. Don’t get me wrong. I miss Liv, but I have two of my girls home. It felt right to make something we’ve always enjoyed.”
As we walked to the kitchen, it dawned on me that I was glad I’d come. Being home with them was like a soothing balm to the raw bits of my soul—even if this was also the house where he’d left that damn note.
Mom and Dad had had it renovated a few years ago, though—about four years after Simon had left. All I remembered thinking when I’d come home for the first time after the renovations was, Oh, thank god. It looks so different now. He’s never seen it like this at all .
It had been a major relief being able to look at my family home and not have memories of him in it anymore. Even if it had been the same house.
The designers had kept all the historical elements of the place, like the 1860’s facade and the Spanish oak floors, but everything else had been ripped out and modernized. It had been fabulous then and it was still fantastic now, seven thousand feet of Simon-free space that still offered the familiarity and comfort of my childhood home.
This is exactly where I need to be tonight.
Mom waved me onto a stool at the expansive kitchen island and London smiled, handing over a glass of chilled white wine she’d had waiting. “Austin called. Said you might need that.”
I groaned. “He’s like a fussy grandmother. What else did he say?”
Her blue eyes slid to Mom first and then glanced at Dad, who’d followed us into the kitchen. “Maybe it’ll be best if I let you explain.”
“Will this explain why you’re looking a little sad?” Mom asked as she tied her apron around her neck to start finishing off our meal. “You really are a bit pale. I’m worried, honey. You’re not coming down with something, are you?”
“Not unless Simon Astor is a disease,” I said, then let out a dry chuckle. “He might just be, though. Heaven knows, he’s caused me more distress than any illness I’ve ever caught.”
Mom’s eyes widened. “ Simon Astor ?”
“Yep.” I quickly told them all about running into him at the Fit Gal Olympics and everything that had happened since. Then I ended with a shrug. “I’m fine. There’s just a lot going on, and now, he wants to have dinner on top of everything else.”
“You need to be careful going around that boy,” Dad said immediately, his voice firm and harsh. “He’s bad news for you.”
“I think it would be good for you to go to dinner and hear him out,” Mom said, countering Dad’s reasoning with a sweet smile at him. When she looked back at me, she grimaced. “Which is not to say that he didn’t hurt you. I know he did, but maybe there’s more to the story.”
I scoffed. “Like what?”
“Oh, baby. If only I knew.” Her eyes misted over a little bit. “After what happened between you two, I wanted to show up at the Astor house and burn it down. It was awful, what that boy did, but Brooks…”
She trailed off and I saw a sharp stab of pain shoot through her eyes. “Brooks passed away only a few months before that and George is a nightmare. Realistically, there may have been a lot more going on in that house than we knew about. Losing a child is the worst thing that can happen to a parent. Just thinking about what they went through still makes me hurt so badly even after so long.”
Sighing as she picked up the noodles she’d had waiting, she dropped them into a pot before looking at me again. “All I’m saying is that maybe it will be good to hear him out. Even if it is just for closure. Maybe if you do this, you’ll finally be able to move on.”
“That’s exactly what I’ve been thinking,” I admitted quietly after taking a huge gulp of my wine. “I don’t want to get tangled up in him again and I’m not particularly interested in hearing his excuses, but I do need closure and I would like to be able to move on.”
London shot me a narrow-eyed glare and pointed her index finger at my chest around the glass she was holding. “As long as you remember what I said about setting boundaries and sticking to them.”
I nodded. “I won’t forget, but it’s not what you think. He asked for an hour in exchange for everything he knows about Fit Gal. I might be willing to give him that. I’m just honestly not sure I’m ready to hear him out. He tried in LA, but I couldn’t do it.”
“Yeah, but he ambushed you with it there,” London said evenly. “You’ll be prepared this time. I’m glad you didn’t just let him dump his guilt all over you before just because he was ready.”
Dad jumped in before I had the chance to respond. “If you want to have dinner with him, I won’t stop you, but if he hurts you again, I’m going after him, Abi.”
“Me and you both, Daddy,” London pitched in and shared a conspiratorial grin with our father. “Tell me, do you know how to make a shiv?”
“No, but I do own a few shotguns and I’ve been itching to use one on that?—”
“Enough.” Mom gave both of them a soft but firm look and shook her head. “This is Abigail’s decision. Simon has owed her an explanation for a long time, and if she can finally get it, then it should be up to her whether she wants to hear it or not.”
“He won’t have an opportunity to hurt me anyhow,” I assured London and my dad. “I won’t ever allow him to get close enough to do it again. He’s already fooled me once.”
As I said it though, I had the barest glimmer of doubt in my own words. I didn’t want to let him close to me again, but that didn’t mean he wouldn’t end up there anyway.
Can I really guard my heart from him?
At one time, it had been completely his, and in some respects, I felt like it still was. Part of me still felt like I belonged mostly to him.
The fact of it was that he’d never given my heart back to me. He’d simply taken off with it still stitched to his, and because of that, I’d never been able to give it to anyone else. That was why I needed to go to this dinner.
If I could somehow find the courage to hear him out, perhaps I’d finally get it back. Maybe closure was what I needed in order to learn how to trust again so that, eventually, I might be able to give my heart to someone else.
That conflict was still very much ongoing deep within me, though. Simon had only been back in my life for a couple days, and already, he was wreaking havoc on my carefully planned existence. I’d put myself back together with duct tape, spit, and glue back in the day.
I honestly didn’t know if I’d survive going through something like that again. Simultaneously, I also didn’t know if I’d be able to resist if he offered a fresh start.
Simon Astor still had a hold on me. Despite my promise to my family, if I really thought about my future, to this day, I still envisioned him in it.