Chapter 48
XLVIII.
Attero follows me to the kitchen, and I call in Nate and my mom, making quick introductions. Nate narrows his gaze at Attero’s uniform, no doubt reliving those last moments over the Ignis River.
I can’t blame Nate for not trusting him; but also, this isn’t the time to give him a play-by-play of our friendship.
“How can your dad just leave?” Nate asks, snagging a chocolate chip cookie off the plate Mom’s set in the middle of the table. “I thought he had to stay down there. You know, to punish people and run the place. Also, isn’t that his punishment? From, like, leading a war against God and all that?”
“It is.” I gnaw on a fingernail. “But he can take reprieves to visit here, like he did when he met my mom.”
Nate swallows a bite of cookie. “Doesn’t that mean he’ll be forced back eventually? He can’t leave Feces down there forever. He’s not related by blood like you are.”
“I’d think so.” I spread my hands. “Which is the easy answer. We wait him out.”
Attero clears his throat. “There’s more.”
“Oh good,” Nate says. “Lucifer leaves home the day before Halloween, but it somehow gets worse from there.”
Attero ignores him and meets my gaze. “As you know, in your father’s place, it’s on Ferus to judge those sent to Hell.
His powers are weaker than yours or your father’s, because he doesn’t have your blood.
And since he believes there’s no such thing as an innocent human, he’s taking them all without judgment.
Condemning every soul that comes his way.
The lots are already overrun; we can’t handle the load.
And Ferus doesn’t care. All he does is sit on your father’s throne all day, punishing everyone who comes before him, regardless of their crimes. ”
“What do you expect me to do about it?” I cross my arms over my chest and lean back on my chair. “That sounds like a you problem. I’m not going back, Atty. I have a life here now, with Mom and Nate. This is where I belong.”
“You have to come back.” Attero reaches over and takes my hand. “We need you. You’re the only one powerful enough to beat Ferus, and you can rightfully take the throne from him. Then you can send the wayward souls where they belong.”
Like home I can.
I don’t owe Atty anything. Or Father. He can clean up his own mess.
I snap my hand from his and pinch my brows together.
“You expect me to come help after you and the other souldiers abandoned me, then hunted me when I tried to leave? I saw you on the bridge, Atty. You stood there with the other souldiers while Ferus threatened me and forced me to throw Nate into the fire. You never spoke up, never defended me. You stayed silent, like a coward.”
Attero drops his head. “You’re right. I was a coward.
I was afraid of what Ferus and the rest of the souldiers would do to me if I stood up to him.
And somehow I let him convince me it’d make it easier for you to take over if you didn’t have to worry about bossing your best friend around. He got into my head, Dev. I’m sorry.”
“I’d never have a problem bossing anyone around,” I mutter. Nate snorts beside me, and I give him a pointed glare. “But that doesn’t matter. This is my home now.”
Attero runs his hand through his damp hair. “If Ferus keeps taking souls, Earth may be in danger as well.”
I straighten in my seat. “What do you mean?”
“As I mentioned, we’ve been overwhelmed.” Attero tents his fingers. “Demons are quitting left and right. It’s only a matter of time before demons and shadelings alike try to get through the portal.”
“Shadelings can’t live up here because of the whole universe balance thing.” I wave my hand. “They’ll keel over and die in, like, twenty-four hours. I’ve seen it myself.” Nate squeezes my knee under the table.
Mom speaks up from the kitchen doorway. “True, but think of the people down there and what they’ve done. Now imagine what they’d do with even a small bit of freedom after being punished for decades. For centuries.”
“It’d be like The Purge,” Nate mumbles.
We all jump in unison as thunder shakes the house and the windows flare with lightning.
Sliding out of my chair on trembling legs, I peel back the curtain. Rain splatters against the glass, then trickles toward the ground like blood from a wound.
They’re not wrong. Hell contains the worst of the worst. Even if they only have a short time on Earth, the sinners could do enough damage to Los Angeles that it’ll resemble the apocalypse.
But I fought so hard to get here. I battled my way out of Hell to my mom. Survived Alex so that Nate could live. I’ve finally found the happy ending all those books I read talked about. It shouldn’t be on me alone to fix this. It’s not fair—to my mom, to Nate, to me.
I lean against the pane, closing my eyes against the tears that threaten to flood them.
“No,” I say after a peal of thunder rattles the window. “I won’t do it. I’m sorry, Attero, I can’t come home. If the sinners escape because Father’s gone and Ferus is a total dick, so be it. You can go now.”
Spinning on my heel, I stomp down the hall to my room. I slam the door behind me, so hard that it rattles the windows more than the thunder. I sprawl across the bed and bury my face in my pillow and scream.
This isn’t fair. I’d finally settled into this strange place, and it’s felt more like home than the cold stone of Dominus. Of course Father has to find a way to ruin it.
Nate opens the door and sits beside me, brushing his hand across my back. “You okay?”
I roll over and wipe my face with the back of my hand. “Do you think I should go?”
“Of course not.” He pulls my hand to his chest. “I love you. I want you here more than anything in this universe. But I also know you. You’re the girl who saved a boy she barely knew from an eternity of torture.
The one who rescued a murderer from burning rubble, even though you knew it would mean losing me.
I don’t want to live without you, but I also can’t imagine you living with the knowledge that more innocent people will be condemned to eternal suffering because you didn’t try to help them. ”
“He’s right, honey,” Mom says from the doorway. “This isn’t about us wanting you to go. It’s more about us not wanting you to spend the rest of your life regretting your choice to stay.”
Covering my face with my hands, I roll away from them. How dare they use me against me. They know how hard I’ve battled the pieces of Father buried inside me, and now they’re asking me to accept them and take his place.
They’re suffocating me. This room is suffocating me.
I bolt up, my body heating as their words sink through my skin. My palms spark, and I fist my hands at my sides to stop the flames.
“I have to get out of here.” I push past Nate as he grabs for my wrist and misses. “I need to go for a walk.”
“It’s pouring,” Nate says.
“I don’t care.”
Mom’s already got the coat closet in the hall open, and she shoves a yellow jacket at me. “At least take this. And my umbrella.”
“Do you want me to come with you?” Nate asks as I shrug on the raincoat and shove my feet into my boots.
“I need to be alone and think. Be back soon.” I don’t wait for a reply before opening the door, flicking open the umbrella, and heading into the storm.
The streets are nearly deserted, and I walk until water soaks through my boots and my feet ache.
Attero’s pleas ring through my ears.
They’re opposed by my own voice, reminding me of how hard I fought to find what I have with Mom and Nate.
The warmth as we sit together and do something as mundane as watching TV.
The excitement of Nate’s touch. The way every part of my body responds to his kiss.
The thud of his heart against my ear as we cuddle on the beach.
I’ve earned these things. How dare anyone try to take them away.
I’m in an area I’ve never navigated before.
The houses here are a different style from Mom’s, and the neighborhood is somehow quieter, even in the storm.
The sidewalk grows darker, and I look up to find that the streetlights are out.
The lights in the homes are out as well, as they’re illuminated by flickering candles and the odd glare of a flashlight.
I turn to head home, as unclear about what to do as when I left, when a familiar shape on the thatch of a building catches my gaze. I’ve seen it enough to know what it represents.
Flickering orange light glimmers behind one of the windows, indicating someone’s inside.
I study it for a moment, then take a breath and step off the curb, toward the last place I expected to seek guidance.