37. Chapter 36
37
T he air is knocked right out of my lungs when we step off the path that leads to the beach. I’ve been here before, I’ve seen the ocean, but there’s something about this piece of the ocean and this time of day. The sun is reflecting off of the sea in golden waves, water gently splashes onto rocks in the distance.
“It’s gorgeous,” I whisper.
“I needed this so badly,” Kara sighs. I look over to see her facing up towards the sky with her eyes closed. Soaking in the sun like the tanned goddess she is.
She’s always glowing, but there’s something that shines brighter about her here. This is her element. This is what it looks like to see someone who usually carries so much weight on their shoulders finally be able to drop it off and fling it into the ocean.
“Race you to the water,” I say.
She looks over at me and smirks.
“Count of three?”
“One, two–” I run, kicking up as much sand behind me as possible.
I hear the beautiful ring of her laughter as she follows behind me, and then the sound of her spitting out the sand that’s flying into the air.
“You monster!”
My heavy steps slow as they splash into the shore, soaking through my shoes. The shocking cold water is a welcome sensation.
Kara sloshes up next to me, and sucks air through her teeth as the water reaches her ankles.
“Gah, that’s cold!”
“It’s perfect.”
“You’re perfect,” she replies quickly.
I lean over to kiss her, grateful that the beach is crowded with onlookers. I want to kiss her, and hold her hand, and look into her eyes, without worrying about any ugly looks from anyone who might not want to see it.
We do all of the above. We hold hands as we kick water back and forth at each other. When my feet finally go so numb that they feel like they’re being stabbed with hundreds of tiny needles, I move back onto dry sand and rip off my shoes and socks. There are shells and rocks everywhere, and I take to looking through them for the prettiest ones. Something I’ve done since I was a kid. I think my parents still have jars and jars full of them in a storage closet somewhere.
I pick up every single one that’s colorful or shiny enough to stand out, and stick them in the pocket of my sweatshirt. Kara walks alongside me silently, only picking up the occasional rock to skip across the water when the tide pulls back. I clap and cheer as she goes. Her high score of the day is nine total skips, and I won’t be getting over that anytime soon.
Boulders eventually block our path and force us to turn back around. I suppose we could keep going if we felt like a big swim around them to the beach on the other side, but it’s a little too windy to have to continue on our way in drenched clothes.
Neither of us complain about our overworked legs. I can’t remember the last time I took this many steps. I zig zag from the water and back to the sand, over and over. She keeps following, either watching me or watching the waves that are now gorgeously illuminated by an almost setting sun. The foaming waves go from white to a shimmering gold.
It’s so mesmerizing, I feel like I’m meditating. I can’t remember the last time I felt so present somewhere, and not like my mind was miles away.
“You look like you don’t have a worry in the world,” Kara murmurs as she watches my steps. “I like it.”
“Me too.” I look over at her, taking in the way the wind whips her hair around. It would drive me nuts, the way it swats at her face and hinders her view.
She does nothing, acts as if it’s not happening.
“The worries still exist, but they are blissfully quiet right now.”
“It’s about time they piped down. I’ll have to bring you to the beach every time they take over.”
I smile.
“Good plan. Where should I take you when yours get too loud?”
She hums in thought, and starts walking out towards the water. Further into the water. Her leggings become more and more soaked, and I wish that wasn’t destined to also happen to me. She puts her hand out, asking me to meet her where she is, and of course I go. Wet pants or not, I’ll follow her anywhere.
I pull my pant legs up as far as they’ll go before making my way to her. She intertwines her fingers with mine before dropping her head to my shoulder.
“You could take me anywhere. It’s not any specific place, it’s you.”
Before I can appreciate the sweetness of her words, she’s flicking water at my face and then covering her own.
Little does she know, she just started a war. I use both hands and arms to shove as much water as I can her way. She shouts as the wave of it drenches the front of her.
“I take back every cute thing I said!”
I move to do it again, burying my hands in the water, but she grabs my wrists to stop me. We’re chest to chest, both uncomfortably cold in a way our closeness is no match against.
But I love it.
We’re a giggling mess as she holds onto me tightly, moving her grasp down to my hands. I feel more alive than ever as the wind rushes past us, rocky sand pokes at our feet, and salt water sticks our palms together.
We crash down onto the bed in our hotel room. My legs are sore and overworked, my skin is sunburnt. The warm, windy day sucked out every ounce of my energy, and now there’s nothing that could get me off of this bed any time soon.
“What a day,” I sigh contentedly.
“Let’s just stay here and never deal with anyone else again,” Kara says.
I look over to see her laying on her side with her eyes shut, and strands of her wind-knotted hair falling across her cheek.
“I could get behind that, but… I do have some other people I’d kind of miss.”
“Can’t relate,” she replies softly.
I reach out to tuck those strands behind her ear, but I don’t pull it away. Instead I let myself hold her face, and feel her warm cheek against my palm.
“Do you really hate everyone? Or is it just easier to pretend you do?”She freezes, probably feeling a little taken aback. If she doesn’t want to go there after our peaceful day, she doesn’t have to. I won’t pry.
But now that I know my chances of getting answers to my questions are much higher, I’m not going to stop myself from asking them.
“It’s not that I hate everyone,” she admits. “I mean, mostly. I just don’t think there’s much of a chance that they won’t let me down. That they won’t hate me .”
“So you don’t want to let anyone figure out how they feel about you?” I ask. “You probably don’t need me to tell you, but you’re a blast to be around. If you let people see more of what I see, they wouldn’t.”
“They did. Why do you think I’m like this?”
“Yeah, but kids are ruthless. No one in high school cares about anyone more than themselves, it’s not a good reason to–”
Hey eyes fly open as she interrupts me.
“It’s not only the kids back in high school. Everyone has always wanted me to change, but that’s always been their problem. My whole life I’ve heard people try to tell me why I’m like this, whether they blame it on my depression or assume I have some other mental setback. I’ve always known they were wrong. I feel fine, I’m just content with less than other people think I should be content with.”
“I can understand that.”
She sighs.
“But can you? Because I’m not going to change. I don’t want to change anything about myself to make anyone else’s life simpler. It’s why no relationship has ever worked out for me. It’s why my marriage was such a disaster.”
“So Miles wanted you to be someone you aren’t?”
“Not necessarily. We were young and stupid when we first started dating, and I didn’t even know who I was. We learned that much together, and I still get so angry sometimes that it took that many years of learning for us to figure out we weren’t compatible,” she says.
“Was that it, you weren’t compatible? Or could he just not accept the person you were?” I ask.
“I think you’re assuming that he was in the wrong, and should’ve accepted things, but that’s not true. If I knew enough to give him a disclaimer at the start of it all, he would’ve known it wasn’t going to work out between us. We would’ve broken up before we got married, and before I got comfortable enough to let the facade slip. If anything it’s all my fault for not having that disclaimer ready.”
I shake my head as I sit up. This can’t be said lying down. She must agree, because she moves to sit up against the headboard.
“It’s not your fault. You said it yourself, you were young. You didn’t know any better.” She doesn’t have a response to that so I continue. “Did you have any relationships before him?”
“I mean… kind of. Nothing serious, just a couple of random high school boyfriends. Don’t think either of them tolerated me more than a couple of months.”
“They both dumped you?”
“Everyone’s dumped me. I’ve never been the dumper, despite what my cold, hard exterior might lead you to believe.”
“I thought your divorce was mutual?”
She shrugs.
“By the end, yes, but he’s the one that initially brought it up. Like I said, I’m content with less. It got to a point where he started to leave me alone. We stopped sleeping together, stopped eating together. And it was… fine. I mean, I wasn’t thriving or anything, but I was comfortable enough to accept my life for what it was. I would’ve gone on like that for another eight years. Another eighty, honestly.”
“That makes me so sad to think about.” So sad, in fact, that I struggle to clear the lump in my throat.
She’s so deserving of love, and joy, and it’s criminal that she’s only just getting it now.
“It shouldn’t. I was fine. I’m fine now. Everything happened the way it was supposed to.”
I trace delicate lines down her bare arm, and watch the goosebumps that raise in the aftermath.
“So do you think… Do you think you were supposed to end up moving in next to me and shaking up my life?”
I look up at her face to find her staring at the ceiling. I couldn’t begin to read her expression, it’s as blank as it’s ever been.
“Probably,” she whispers.
“Well, I’ve received the disclaimer,” I say.
She finally looks down at me.
“And?”
If I didn’t know any better, I’d think she sounded hopeful.
“I’m okay with whatever you’re okay with. I don’t need anything from you that you’re not willing to give.”
“That’ll change.” She says the words like they’re a fact.
“What do you need me to do to prove it?”
“Stick around, I guess.”
My lips spread in the widest possible smile.
“So, you want me to stick around?”
She doesn’t hesitate.
“Yes.”
And that little word, that little piece of vulnerability that might seem so unimportant to anyone else? It just reaffirms what I already knew. I’m absolutely sticking around.
“What a view! Are you guys at the top of a mountain?” I ask, flabbergasted.
I hear various voices in the background, a couple of them laughing at my surprise.
“Yeah, it’s really big,” Dahlia says. “We were walking so much, and my legs are too tired to walk anymore.”
“Well it’s a good thing your dad doesn’t mind carrying you around. That would make my legs so tired.” Something about that makes her giggle. “How are you guys even calling me? You have service up there?”
“I’m as surprised about it as you are,” Caleb replies. “I took some pictures to send you, but this is way cooler.”
He flips the camera to show me the mountains surrounding them and I gasp. Early afternoon sunlight covers the world around them in a golden, shimmering warmth. It looks so peaceful that I could actually cry, and I’m not even experiencing it in person. There are miles and miles visible from their vantage point, and every inch of it is breathtaking.
Note to self to stop being lazy and see more of the world.
Which is exactly what I’m doing, but even after this. When Dahlia is home I want to be able to experience things like this with her.
In a perfect world, I picture all of us going on a trip together. Kara too. Maybe even my friends and their partners, and their kids. That would be so good for Dahlia, but it would also be good for me. Therapeutic even.
With tears in my eyes I thank him for showing me.
“Happy to,” he replies, and I believe him. “Where are you at the moment? That’s not your place.”
“A hotel. On the beach.” I go to the window so I can show him my beautiful view.
“That looks nice! Look Lia, your mom is at the ocean!”
She beams at the phone, and coos about how pretty the water looks. We talk about planning our own beach getaway when she’s home, but her attention doesn’t stay on me for long. I don’t blame her, she has too much to take in over there.
I thank Caleb again. He tells me to have a fun time and I tell them to be safe. It’s the first time I don’t feel all that doubtful that she is safe with him.