10. Chapter Ten
Chapter Ten
Now
T he light breeze gently tosses the loose strands of hair around my face as I leisurely walk down the beach toward the umbrellas.
The warm sunshine wraps around my body and envelopes me like a big, cozy blanket. Why the hell has it taken me so long to get to Hawaii?
Oh, right, I’m a busy attorney who has no time to actually enjoy the life I’ve worked so hard to achieve.
I let out a heavy sigh and look toward the beautiful clear blue sky.
My entire life has been one big rat race to get me here, right where I am. I’ve always done everything right. I’ve never had a rebellious streak, I always say please and thank you, I even hold the door open for people behind me.
And, if I'm being fair, it has paid off.
In school, when they ask you where you see yourself in ten years, this is it. This is exactly what I had in mind. But it’s hard, because it still feels like something is missing.
I walk my gaze down from the sky, and my eyes are instantly drawn to a mother holding the hand of her little boy as he toddles into the waves.
She’s grinning from ear to ear, and I can hear his little squeals of joy as his toes finally touch the water. I watch as his chubby little hands test the water, tentatively at first, but then it quickly turns into a free for all.
The mom gets down on his level, and they both take turns splashing each other, until I see him plunge his hands deeper in the water and come up with little fists full of wet sand.
His big, baby eyes are full of light as he looks right at his mama and smears the sand on both of her cheeks. I can tell that she’s shocked, but her surprise immediately evolves into happy determination.
She reaches her own hands down into the water, and then wipes a hand full of wet sand on her son's bare toddler belly. This adorable little boy laughs so uncontrollably that he can barely even catch his breath. The mom falls out of her squat onto her bum, and they both continue with their mini sand fight.
My nose begins to sting, as tears line the bottom of my eyes. The beauty of motherhood is something else. Something that I can feel my heart aching for, but something that I don’t know if I’ll ever get to achieve. I don’t want to do it alone.
Every goal I’ve reached, every career achievement I’ve ever made, I’ve done on my own. Never in my adult life have I had to rely on anyone else, so to now be faced with a desire so strong but knowing I don’t want to do it by myself, knowing that I want someone to share it with, knowing I want a family , is hard.
I’m also hesitant to go down this motherhood path, because if I’m being honest, I’m not even sure I’d make a good mother in the first place. I don’t think it’s a part of my genetic makeup or whatever. My mom certainly isn’t one to be modeled after.
My shoulders drop, and I slow down my walking pace. My thoughts are going so many different directions right now, and it’s hard to find a middle ground. On one hand, all I want is to be a mother, but on the other hand, I know for a fact that I don’t want to throw away the amazing career I’ve worked so hard for.
I stop my walking, and freeze in place. It would kill me to watch everything I’ve accomplished go right down the drain. I’m proud of what I’ve done and who I am.
There are so many parts of me that want to continue doing it, but being an attorney is hard. Extremely hard. It takes so much time already, and if I do ever become partner, even more of my time would be dedicated to my work. I can’t see myself having enough time to add being a mother on top of it all.
Looking back up at the sky, I take a deep breath. Despite all of that though, I really do want it. I want to be a mom, and I really hope it happens for me someday. But as of right now, the only thing that is certain is my career. I can focus on being the damn good attorney that I know I am.
Suddenly, I get a heavy sinking feeling deep in my gut and am reminded of the giant man-sized hurdle in my way.
There’s absolutely no way in hell Noah and I can work together. No way. If, for some reason, I’m not able to convince the partners to take Noah off the account, everything would fall apart; it would be a complete disaster.
Noah and I don’t know how to communicate outside of constantly arguing with one another. We’ve never seen eye to eye, and I don’t see that fixing itself anytime soon. Also, on top of all that, he’s just an asshole, and I don’t like him. I don’t.
My pulse quickens, and I shake my head, trying to get rid of the unease creeping into my body. I roll my shoulders back trying to loosen my neck and inhale a deep, healing breath. I hear the echoes of Jordyn’s reassuring voice telling me this is a problem for Later Jane to handle. Not Today Jane.
I take off my sandals and keep walking down the beach, feeling the warm sand under my feet. It’s settled then. Today Jane gets to rest and watch the tide come in.
When I get to the part of the beach where I want to relax, I see a lady asleep under the large umbrellas. She’s the epitome of pure relaxation as she snoozes the time away.
As I wiggle my coverup over my head, it snags on my bun, which causes my sunglasses to fall off my face and into the sand. When I turn to pick them up, I stub my toe on the corner of one of the chairs. This is going well.
The chairs under the large umbrellas are remarkably comfortable, and I melt into mine the moment I sit down. The cool ocean breeze drifts my way and I close my eyes, desperately trying to find that sweet spot of bliss my sleeping neighbor has found.
The gentle crashing of the waves and the sound of palm trees swaying high above my head calms all the nerves that have riddled my body since last night. Feeling the tension in my shoulders loosen, a feeling of warm contentment blooms in my chest. I smile, letting myself get fully lost in this moment.
I slowly open my heavy eyes, and that’s when I see him. Noah, casually walking down the length of the beach, bare feet in the water, beach towel in hand. My throat constricts and my heart picks up speed. My God , he is gorgeous.
He fucking knows it too. He’s always known how attractive he is and that he can use that attractiveness to his advantage. The way he walks with his broad shoulders held high and his chest puffed out is the way only a man who has immeasurable self-confidence could walk.
I would have thought that with age, this show of self-centeredness would have diminished some, but like most things with Noah Riley, that has apparently not been the case. If anything, he seems even more cocky and arrogant than he did in high school. God , he really is an asshole. A gorgeous asshole who just looked my way. Shit, Shit, Shit.
My heart is pounding out of my chest and my toes start to tingle. I close my eyes tightly and pray he doesn’t see me, or if he does, I’m hoping he thinks I’m asleep and won’t come over here. We have a deal. He minds his business, and I mind mine. He better not break it.
I can feel my blood pressure rising. What if he does come over here? What does my body look like right now? I move down a bit in the chair and lay my head on the soft cushion. I turn slightly and cross my ankles. I’m so glad I shaved my legs before I walked down here, good choice, Past Jane. With my eyes still closed, I take out my bun and let my hair fall around my shoulders. Do I look sexy? I really hope I look sexy. I lightly rest my right hand on my bare lower stomach and position my left hand palm up by my face. Do I look like I’m sleeping? If I’m sleeping, he won’t talk to me, right? This position is so not comfortable right now. What the hell am I doing, sexy sleeping? I may have lost my mind.
“There’s no way you’re relaxed sitting like that,” I hear him say, condescension dripping from his mouth.
I don’t move, wishing he would just get the point and leave me alone.
“Are you even asleep?” A slight chuckle leaves him. “Oh, I see. You’re playing possum.”
Playing possum? Who the hell does this guy think he is?
“Jane,” he pauses, “I can tell you’re not sleeping. You’re pretending.” He says it slower this time, like a dad who just caught his child cheating in a game.
I open one eye and stare up at him. My brows furrow as I see a “gotcha” grin spread across his face.
“I will have you know that possums do not pretend . When they’re scared, they go into something called tonic immobility. Their poor little bodies enter a completely catatonic state in response to fear. It’s actually very sad, just so you know.” I stare up at him and cross my arms over my chest.
He’s standing close to me. So close that I can see each grain of sand on his tan legs. His eyes narrow as his gaze beats down on me. I stay silent, but I cock my head to the side and raise my eyebrows. Goading him to argue with me.
“Can I ask you how you know so much about possums?” He says with a satisfied smile.
I open my mouth to say something, ready to defend my knowledge of completely useless facts, but nothing comes out. I close my mouth again, pursing my lips. “Noah, why are you here? I thought we had a deal. I leave you alone, and you leave me alone. So far, only one of us has kept their side of the bargain. I’ll give you a hint, it’s definitely not you.” I swing both of my feet over the edge of the chair and slide on my sandals.
He grabs the corner of the chair closest to mine and pulls it over. He sets his stuff down and sits.
The air around us grows tense. We’re knee-to-knee now. There’s less than an inch between us, but I can feel the electricity in that tiny, empty space. I catch a glimpse of his eyes as they trace the lines of my body. God, I’m so glad I wore this bikini. His eyes linger a beat too long at my chest, and his shoulders lift with a deep inhale. My core tightens, and a small bead of sweat rolls down my spine.
“First, let me tell you my good news,” he says, gaze returning to my eyes. “ Our boss, Mr. Paul Adler called first thing this morning and told me that I, too, get to stay here for the next nine days. You know, since it’s already been paid for.” I see a playful gleam in his eye. “Looks like we both get to enjoy a vacation.” He relaxes back into his chair and crosses his ankles. “In other news, I just came down to the beach to read for a bit. I honestly didn’t know you’d be here.”
“Well, I came down to the beach to read too, and I was here first. So, you can go find another place to read. The beach is big Noah. You’ll figure it out.”
“Very true, but…this is the only place that has these nice big, comfy chairs and umbrellas. So, I think I’d like to stay right here.” He pats the spot next to him. “I’ll scoot my chair back over there, and you can continue with your pretend sleeping or whatever it was that you were doing,” he says with eyebrows raised. He picks up his book and searches for his page.
“Ya know what?” I say flinging my hands up in the air in surrender. I’m an adult, I have no problem being the bigger person. “Fine. You stay here. I’ll just go back up to my room.” I don’t even listen for his answer as I gather up my beach bag. I clench my jaw and hurriedly stuff my things inside.
As I turn to walk away, I have this little nudging feeling at the base of my neck. “Look, before I go, I just have to ask, what book are you reading?”
He looks up from his page and shuts the cover slightly so I can read what it says. To Kill a Mockingbird. Ha, should have seen that one coming.