Not Up for Debate

15. Chapter Fifteen

Chapter Fifteen

Now

D ing, ding. I slowly peel my eyes open one after the other and attempt to focus them on my surroundings. I see…a shoe? It’s my shoe, resting about six inches from my face.

Ding, ding. There it is again. The awful sound that started this mess. I sluggishly turn onto my back and assess my present situation. Exhibit A, the shoe. My right brown sandal to be exact. Exhibit B, I seem to have my swimsuit cover-up draped across my legs like a blanket, and my work bag is acting as some sort of makeshift pillow. Exhibit C, I spot a protein bar wrapper sitting next to the little trash can, which clearly suggests that I tried to throw it away, missed the can, and was too lazy to pick it up and try again.

My stiff body objects to any movement as I struggle to work myself into a sitting position. The floor around me looks like a war zone. Apparently, while in my rushed haze of adrenaline-spiked work, I made the floor my substitute home and didn’t bother moving for the rest of the night.

Ding, ding. Who keeps texting me? What time is it? Where is my phone? I search around in my little nest but come up empty. I don’t even remember the last time I used it. I don’t think I talked to anyone since before the massage yesterday. Ding, ding. Okay, now it’s mocking me.

I slowly make a move to get up and I feel a throbbing sensation radiating from my left leg. Ah, that’s why I didn’t get up last night. The memory of my clumsy little mishap pops into my head. I hesitantly remove my “blanket” to assess the damage and immediately see that an ugly purple bruise has bloomed overnight on top of my thigh. Yikes .

I tenderly put my weight on my unhurt leg and try to stand up. Man, getting off the floor used to be so easy but ever since I hit my thirties, I’m not nearly as limber as I used to be.

Spotting my phone on the entry table by the door and amusingly hobbling my way over to see what all the hullabaloo is about, I tap the screen and see that I have four different texts from Carol.

Carol

Hi Jane. This is your mother.

How is work?

Call me today.

This is the number you can call me on.

You know, you’d never be able to guess that my mother and father have had the same phone numbers since they first got cell phones sixteen years ago. The two of them act like they’re cycling through numbers as often as they go to the grocery store. It’s ironic because both of my parents each hold a number of degrees, but I’m still not entirely convinced that either one of them could tell the difference between a smartphone and a walkie talkie.

I shoot her a quick “I’ll call you in a bit” text and hop myself to the bathroom to mentally prepare. Every time I have an upcoming conversation with my mother, I feel this impending sense of doom, like I suddenly have a super important test that I forgot to study for.

Our relationship has always been complicated. We’ve never had that traditional mother/daughter bond where we go have fun together, laugh with one another, or show any type of love to each other at all.

No, our relationship has always more closely resembled that of a teacher/student, boss/employee, king/lowly peasant.

Conversations with my mother always follow the same outline. They’re so similar that I’ve come to think she might have printed out a list of guidelines she uses every time we’re on a phone call. They usually go like this:

Step one: begin with polite pleasantries. Acceptable topics include but are not limited to the weather, current events, a new recipe etc…

Step two: slowly transition into heavier subjects. I.e., questions pertaining to work, dating/marriage, finances.

Step three: finish off strong with some heavy drawn-out sighs of disappointment, reminders of past and current failures, and top it all off with lengthy lectures about not living up to expectations.

Anyone can see where my insecurities come from. It’s taken me some time to unravel these feelings of resentment and disappointment. My therapist has helped me reach an understanding that my mother acts like this out of love for me, not because she thinks I’m stupid and worthless.

Her mother taught her that education and career were the most important things in life and everything else should come second–or third. Essentially, Carol is just passing down to me what her mother passed on to her.

I’m not going to sit here and lie and say that this immense pressure is all bad. It has gotten me far in life by teaching me that I can do whatever I set my mind to. It’s taught me to never give up and always put my all into everything.

The bad part is that it also happened to cement into my brain that love is conditional. I learned that people’s love for me is dependent on how well I’m doing in life, and if I’m unsuccessful with something, their love for me will be put up for debate and questioned.

Countless hours of therapy have tried to help me understand that this way of thinking is wrong. It’s wrong for me to believe that my worth is solely based on my success, and it’s also wrong for my parents to demand excellence and withhold affection when I’m anything less than perfect.

Thoughts of last night's panic attack move into my mind, and I’m quickly reminded that obviously I haven’t quite internalized all of this yet, but I’m trying.

Since I started working on myself, the relationship with my parents has started to improve. It’s not great, but I do think it’s getting better. The moment that I felt things start to shift is when I was finally able to realize that at this point in my parents' lives, they aren’t going to change. It’s me who has to do the changing.

It’s made my life so much easier to release their expectations of me and stop placing so much importance on what they think about my life. Letting go of that burden has lightened my load and has made our conversations a lot smoother and happier.

However, sometimes when we’re talking on the phone, I can feel things start to shift. If it gets heated, I’ve started playing this game of changing the topic as many times as possible with super random things to see where the conversation goes. Usually, it ends up in a comically intense discussion about something completely arbitrary.

The last time we talked, I was able to derail the conversation so entirely that my dad went on a thirty-minute rant about the politics of the potato industry and the problems farmers today face in America. It was absolutely hilarious and surprisingly eye-opening.

I brush the taste of stale protein bar out of my mouth and wash the sleep from my eyes. The cold water instantly revitalizes me. I feel awake, clean, and ready for the day. I towel off my face and go back into the main room.

Holy hell, I don’t know how I was able to make such a mess last night. At first glance, I can ascertain that I emptied the entire contents of my work bag onto the floor prior to making it my pillow. Loose change is scattered about, charging wires of various shapes and sizes are strewn all around, and gum wrappers and receipts litter the carpet.

I gingerly bend down to begin the clean-up when I spot the Dumont client folder peeking out from underneath my swimsuit-cover-turned-blanket. The level of planning and organization I’ve put into this folder gives me so much joy you’d think it was full of money.

I’m not going to lie, that would be awesome; but alas, it’s just a simple legal expanding folder that has been magnificently color coded, expertly date arranged, and printed on the best paper that an office supply chain delivers. It makes my heart swell with pride. I love organizing things and making them beautiful; it’s honestly one of the best perks of my job.

Next, I grab my laptop to see if any more work has popped up this morning. But I’m happy to see that my inbox is still empty. My shoulders move up and down to the beat of imaginary music as I do a happy little dance celebrating my win. Hell yeah. I did it.

I feel a strange sensation prickling through my body. There’s absolutely nothing that I have to do. Nothing is waiting for me to sign off. No one needs me to check on anything. No one is counting on me to get back to them. I got so much work done last night, work that didn’t even need to be done yet, mind you, so now I’m completely open. I’m free. I can rest. To make it even better, I know that per our agreement, I won’t be seeing Noah anymore.

My heart twinges. A positive twinge? A negative twinge? I’m not sure. Eh, either way, it doesn’t even matter; I’m not going to see him anyway. Honestly, I’m just really looking forward to finally doing my own thing. I’m excited I don’t have to worry about him crashing through my life, like a bull in a china shop, and throwing off my vibes again.

I finish cleaning up my mess and sit down on the bed. I definitely should have slept here last night instead of on the floor; my poor hips would have thanked me. I rearrange all the pillows, stretch my legs out in front of me, and dial my mom. Huh, if I cock my head to the side and squint my eyes, the bruise on my leg kind of looks like Danny Divito. A chuckle escapes from me right as my mom answers.

She holds the phone so close and high on her face that all I can see is the top of her eyes and her silver hairline. FaceTiming isn’t her specialty. “Hello? Hello, Jane? Can you see me? I can see you. Where are you? It’s so bright and sunny. Are you laughing?”

“Hi, Carol. Can you move the phone down a bit? I can only see the top of your head.”

She moves the phone down slightly and smiles. “Is that better?”

I can’t help but smile back. “Yep. Hi. What’s up? Is everything okay?”

“Yes, everything is just fine. Just wanted to check in and see what you’re doing. Also, I just wanted to tell you about this recipe I found for teriyaki salmon. I made it for your father and me last night, and it was delicious.”

Recipe. Check.

“Thanks. That sounds great. What else is new with you?”

“Nothing much over here. Your father just spoke at a conference, and I’m still working on my manuscript. What about you, Jane? How is Rex? How is work going?”

Dating. Check.

Work. Check.

I take a quick breath, hoping to get this out as quickly and as painlessly as possible. “Rex and I broke up, but work is going really great. I just landed a remarkable client. The firm is growing substantially, and our numbers look great.” Nice and simple. State the facts. Good job, Jane.

“Oh, thank God. Rex was a complete dolt. He was holding you back. I don’t know what you saw in him in the first place, Jane. Good riddance.” She’s not wrong. “And congratulations on your new client. Who is it?”

“His name is Howard Dumont. I don’t know if you know him, but he owns some pretty famous luxury resorts. I’m actually staying at his resort in Hawaii right now.” I’m going to leave out the part where he flew to a different country before I could even meet him. That would open up far too many questions.

“Of course I know who Howard Dumont is. What an impeccable accomplishment, Jane. Having a client like him will push your career in an amazing new direction. Speaking of new directions, have you heard about making partner? Last time we talked, before your father went on that awful potato tangent—”

“Hey, I learned a lot from that tangent,” I cut in.

“Jane, that is beside the point, it was insanely pointless and absurd. Anyway, you had mentioned that Mr. Schwartz was thinking about possibly growing the firm and making room for another partner. Have you learned any more about this?”

I let out a heavy breath. Here it comes.

“Yeah, the firm did decide to expand and move things around a bit. Adler is going to move to our New York office, and Schwartz will stay in Denver with the new partner.”

Silence. She’s waiting for me to continue.

“…Anyway, my coworker, Colin Clark, was made the new partner, and I’m excited for him. He’s a great attorney, and I think the partners made a great choice.”

I smile and stare at the phone. She’s moved the camera away from her face, and I hear a weighty sigh come from the other side. I feel my chest constrict, knowing I have let her down, again.

She slowly returns to the camera, and her face has completely changed. Her brows are knitted together and there’s a hint of a frown on her mouth.

“Well, I guess that’s what’s best then. Who has the time to become a partner when they’re busy dating football stars anyway, right?” She says with a scoff.

There it is. That little hint of condescension and judgment. Could you imagine if she knew it wasn't even real football? “You let him completely derail your career. You were on track to becoming a partner, and you let everything slip away. You always do this, Jane. You stop thinking about your work, and then stumble and fall right back down to where you started. I really thought you would have grown out of this by now. You have so much potential to go far, but you just don’t have the drive.”

I feel the tingling of self-doubt prickling behind my ears. What she’s saying isn’t true, but hearing it makes it feel real. Rex was not the reason I didn’t become a partner. It wasn’t because of my lack of ability or drive either. I didn’t become a partner because Joe thinks men can do jobs better than women can. That isn’t much better, but at least I know it’s not because of me. I have drive in bucketloads. I just completed a shit-ton of work last night because of my drive. I compete with Noah Riley because of my drive.

I can feel myself start to get carried away. “Well, it’s been good chatting. Tell Dan I say hi, and I’ll call you guys again when I get back in Denver. Bye.”

I hang up the call before she has the chance to respond. Whew, that was a close one. She tried to knock me down a peg, and it almost worked. An exasperated chuckle leaves my mouth as I roll my eyes. It’s almost funny how predictable she is. It feels good to finally be able to see it for what it really is and find the humor in it. Because let’s be honest, if that phone call happened a year ago, it would have sent me spinning.

I unlock my phone and press Jordyn’s contact. She always gets a kick out of my conversations with Carol. She picks up on the second ring. “Good morning, sunshine! How’s life going in your sultry tropical paradise?” I light up as I see her beautiful face grace my screen. Her flawless brown skin and rich, bouncy curls are a stark difference to my mother’s wrinkled forehead and silver locks. Her smile grows wide, waiting for my answer.

“It’s amazing, J. Seriously, the most beautiful place I’ve ever been.”

Daniel forces his way into the frame. “Hi, Janie Poo! Found any hot men you can bring home to your poor little single friends who just survived a blizzard?” A very exaggerated pout forms on his lips.

Jordyn pushes his face away. “Move your giant ass head out of my way. Daniel, you know this trip is about our friend Jane finding hot surfer boy vacation love, not about her bringing hot surfer boys home for us. Unless she wants to, then in that case, it would be rude of us to not graciously accept them with open arms.” They both laugh in unison as Daniel makes a show of licking his lips seductively.

I lean my body back into the comfortable pillow behind me. “Ha, I haven’t been successful on the love front yet.” Their faces drop in unison. “It’s actually been the total opposite. The only people who have seen me naked are two Scandinavians and Noah Riley.” I wish this video call was recorded, because the look of pure shock on both of their faces is something I hope I never forget.

“Shut up, shut up! What?! When?! How?!” They both fight for control of the phone. The next thing I see is Daniel’s hand ripping the phone away and his face bouncing around on the screen as he’s running away from Jordyn. I see her blurry figure crawling out of a booth at the café, chasing him down. “Please don’t tell me that you had a four-way in the sauna with Noah and some hairy-chested Vikings, because I will die right here, Jane Robins. You know I’m not kidding.” The level of seriousness that Daniel is putting forth right now is astonishing.

I hear Jordyn quickly approaching in the background, yelling obscenities.

Daniel turns his attention away from the phone and onto her. “Jordyn, you cannot cuss in my café. I have respectable customers that eat here.” He scowls at her.

Jordyn grabs the phone out of Daniel’s hand, and I see her flushed face push into the screen. “Oh, duck you, Daniel.” She sticks her tongue out at him before moving to the back office of the café. “Jane, it’s just you and me now.” She looks excited as she invites me to continue. “We will get to the part with you and some kinky Scandinavians later. I just want the nitty gritty of why the hell you were naked in front of Noah.”

I laugh out loud. “Jordyn, you make it sound so much worse than it was. Him and I were forced into a couples’ massage yesterday. The two gorgeous Scandinavians were the ones doing the massaging.” I see her face fall. She was expecting details that were much juicer than I just provided.

“Oh, that’s it? Noah peeped some side-boob? That’s hardly anything to fuss about.”

“Fussing? Who said I was fussing?”

“Oh, babe. It’s written all over your face.”

“Ha, totally not fussing. He did get more than some side-boob though. He saw it all, J. Everything…” I say the last word slowly.

“I want all the details. Every single second, Jane. My next meeting isn’t for another two hours, I have time,” she says, sitting up straighter in her seat.

“It was nothing exciting, trust me. He just happened to glance over at me as I was doing the awkward turn from my front to my back. It’s a terrible view, and he got all of it.”

The look on Jordyn’s face is one of physical pain. “Oh, man, that’s bad. That naked oily turnover is unsightly for anyone to make. Did he say anything?”

“I guess if you don’t count teasing me in front of the people who were just trying to do their job, no. Just smiled like an idiot, and then asked me out to dinner.”

“Jane,” she says, swallowing hard. “Are you purposely trying to give me a heart attack right now? Because I can’t tell if you’re deliberately being vague, or if you just simply enjoy watching your best friend suffer.”

“A little bit of both.” I smile, and readjust the pillow behind my back. “But in all honesty, that’s really all that happened. Obviously, I turned the dinner invitation down, because I can’t think of anything worse than me going to dinner with him on days that he didn’t see me naked, let alone on a day he saw me naked…twice.”

“Twice?! What the hell is going on over there?” She presses her hand to her forehead, bewildered.

“I promise I’ll fill you in on everything when I get home. I’m hoping that yesterday was the last of the Noah surprises. I’m seriously banking on the rest of my time here being much more uneventful.”

“Oh, for sure. I get that. But…selfishly I’m hoping that in a few days you call me and regale me with spicy tales, including long walks on the beach, sexy tanned abs, and sand in places where sand should never be.”

“Ha, I’m not so sure about that, but I guess we’ll just have to see what happens. Oh, by the way, I originally called to tell you that I just got off the phone with Carol.”

“This day just keeps getting better for me, and it’s only noon. What did our little ray of optimistic sunshine have to say today?”

“Oh, you know how she is. She told me how proud she was of me, and then she went on and on about how I’m the best daughter in the world. I couldn’t shut her up.”

“So the usual then?” Jordyn says with a small laugh.

“Yep, just the usual.” We both smile, but it doesn’t quite meet our eyes.

“So, tell me…What’s on your agenda for the day?”

I pull out an imaginary planner and pretend to turn through invisible page after invisible page. “Absolutely nothing.”

“What, no more hot Norwegian foursomes penciled into your schedule?”

“They were Scandinavian, and no, that’s not until tomorrow,” I tease. “Today is chock full of nothing. I finished a ton of work last night, and now I’m as free as a bird.”

“I’m so flipping jealous. I’ve been so busy the last few days that Daniel actually offered to start making me dinner until my workload calms down. He said, and I quote, I was ‘looking extremely pathetic eating Taco Bell every night.’ I just about punched him in the face, but then he made me a French dip, and I swear to God, Jane, I almost kissed him instead. It’s been a very confusing time without you here, to say the least.”

“Sounds like it.” I laugh. “Anyway, I think I’m going to reward myself for all of my hard work and take myself on a little shopping spree.”

“Yes, please! Get it girl! Remember, if you see something I can’t live without, please buy it for me. I’m poor.” Her bottom lip juts out in a pretend pout.

“Oh, shut up. You’re richer than I am, and you know it.”

“‘Tis true, ‘tis true. But unfortunately, Dad’s money doesn’t count. Also, it doesn’t hurt that you have better taste than most. Don’t tell Daniel, but you buy better presents than he does.”

“I heard you say that, you loser!" Daniel says, making his way back over to Jordyn's phone. "I have more taste in my pinky toe than you two have in your entire body.”

“You wish,” Jordyn and I both say at the same time.

“Okay, I’m gonna run,” I say, and I see Jordyn’s smile quickly mold into one of concern. I continue before she’s able to worry too much. “Not literally J, I know we don’t run.” I shake my head in disgust.

She wipes a bead of pretend sweat off her brow. “Okay good, I was worried there for a bit.” She smiles, then continues, “I hope you have a wonderful day full of shopping and sun. Call me later?”

“Oh, for sure. Enjoy your work and your freezing cold snow,” I say with a big, mocking smile.

She doesn't respond, but I briefly see both her and Daniel flip me the middle finger before ending the call.

I toss all the shiny new shopping bags onto the giant bed. Bags and bags full of everything from new silk panties to hair scrunchies. I don’t think I’ve ever shopped so hard in my entire life. It’s like I was an Olympic athlete racing from store to store. Trying things on, testing perfumes, eating delicious treats.

What a fantastic day.

I look at my hoard, and the reality of the situation starts to hit me. How the hell am I going to get this all home? I look back and forth from the bed to my luggage. There’s no way this is all fitting in there. My mind is suddenly transported back to the airport when I was on my way here, and the giant box of condoms I had to stuff in my purse.

I shake the thoughts from my mind and ponder my current predicament. I might just have to leave some of my old things behind to make the new things fit. Out with the old, in with the new , right?

Ding, ding . I pull my phone out of my back pocket and stare at the new text. It’s from an unknown number. Hmm, that’s weird.

Unknown Number

Hi Jane. This is Noah.

Shit, I was having so much fun that I almost forgot he was even here. Wait. How the hell did he get my number?

Before you freak out, I got your number from that guest survey Ashley sent for our couples' massage. Your phone number was listed next to your room number.

Ashley…. I curse, and make a mental note to talk to her about this later.

I gave it 5 stars.

Okay, good. Anya and Sven definitely deserve five stars. I’m surprised Noah did something nice for a change. Hmm, maybe he has grown up.

I wrote in the review that they deserve more than 5 stars because they let me see my wife naked and it was so thrilling and erotic that I will be a repeat customer for the rest of my life.

A little embarrassed laugh escapes from me as I imagine the poor spa manager reading the survey in innocent horror. Of course, Noah would say something so confusing and funny at the same time. That answers my question then. He clearly hasn’t grown up at all.

Anyway, how was your day? Did you get all caught up with your work?

I don’t even want to respond to him, but I find myself typing my answer before my brain has time to catch up.

Jane

It was good. I didn't work at all today. I got to have the entire day to myself. It's been great.

Noah

Sounds like you had a good day.

Yes, I did, and I don’t want it to be ruined. So that means I shouldn't respond any further. I don’t know what he’s doing texting me anyway. It feels strange.

What did I do today? Oh, thanks for asking.

Sven took me on this really awesome zipline tour that ended at a waterfall. It was phenomenal.

You should totally do it while you're here.

Honestly, what does he want me to say? We’re not friends. We’re co-workers at best, and I don’t even want to be his co-worker, long-distance or not. I don’t want to do this…Wait… He said he was going to be working all day. If he was so busy, when did he have time to explore waterfalls with his new friend, Sven?

Jane

Sounds cool. Hey I thought you said you had a ton of work to do today. Did you get everything done before you left?

Noah

Nah. I overestimated the amount of work I had. I barely had any. I just had to finish something from a case I presented before I came here.

Okay. So, it sounds like he didn’t have any work to do for Dumont at all. So basically, I freaked out for nothing and stayed up all night busting my ass doing extra work I didn’t even need to do? Very on trend, Jane, very on trend.

Is that okay with you, Boss?

He’s so good at saying things that get under my skin. Well, I’m not going to take the bait this time. I move my phone across the room and set it face down on the desk. No more texting. I continue the joyful task of taking my new things out of their bags and admiring them one by one. Ding, ding. I pretend not to hear. I turn on the TV, hoping to fill the silence. Ding, ding. Nope. I refuse to give in. I will not flip that phone over until morning. I don’t need to see what else he has to say. Ding, ding.

Fine.

Anyway, I'm just texting you to mention that Howard called me today.

Howard?! Howard called him?! Why in the hell would our client call him and not me? Also, they’re on a first name basis now? This isn’t good.

He told me to let you know that he scheduled us a snorkeling trip for first thing tomorrow morning.

Whew. Relief washes down my spine. I thought it was work-related. I still don’t understand why Dumont told Noah this instead of coming directly to me. I can feel the annoyance bubbling up inside me.

Besides our quick little chat at the restaurant when he told me he wasn’t even on the same island as me, I haven’t even spoken one word to Dumont. Heat begins to crawl up my neck.

Be ready by 8. Boat sets sail at 8:30. See you tomorrow, Boss.

Jane

K

And don't call me that.