Chapter 8
8
CRYSTAL
I knew I had to take things slowly. I knew Gemma would think it was weird if I let her see how desperately I wanted to meet Poppy. But I was finding the days when I wasn’t able to see Gemma, to chat to her and hear her mention Poppy, more and more slow and empty. It felt as if Gemma had come into my life at exactly the right time, just as I was feeling so much better in my own head, able to cope better with how it might feel to be in the company of a little girl like Poppy, when just a few short months earlier it might have made me slip completely out of control.
And anyway, I knew I had something to offer Gemma. Sympathy, understanding, a shoulder to lean on, perhaps even someone to offer some actual help in some way. She’d already said she felt better after talking to me, that it was good to be able to chat to someone who’d been through something similar . I obviously didn’t want to talk about my past, but if I was too mysterious about it, she’d start to find it odd and unnatural. Friends always confide in each other, after all. So I decided it would be a good idea to gradually confide a little bit about my own life, without giving away the parts that would set alarm bells ringing. I wouldn’t be giving her my real name, for one thing.
I suppose I’m making it sound like I had it all worked out. But I must admit that just occasionally, during those first few weeks, before I actually met Poppy, I did experience a few doubts. Was I being fair? However much I told myself I wanted to help her, was I really intending to use Gemma, to take advantage of her for my own selfish reasons – the pleasure of getting to know her daughter, of spending time with her, perhaps getting close to her?
Was getting friendly with Gemma actually going to be a dangerous path to tread? Would my therapist have recommended it? I knew quite well that I wasn’t going to tell her, because the truth was, I knew it was crazy. So I worried about it, turned it over and over in my mind. But in the end, I knew I was still going to do it.