Chapter 20
20
CRYSTAL
Afterwards, after the weekend was over, I wished I could have just gone to Gemma’s as usual: played with Poppy, taken her out to the park or the beach, and perhaps met Gemma’s mum, too, as she’d suggested, and had lunch with her – instead of spending my weekend the way I did.
As always, I’d built it up into such a big deal in my mind. It wouldn’t be quite right to say I was looking forward to it, because past experience had taught me that it never worked out the way I’d hoped. But I’d convinced myself that this time, finally, was going to be the time when it was different. And that even if it didn’t work out, this time I’d remain calm, no matter what; that I wouldn’t fall apart and cause a scene.
I was feeling nervous but resolute on the Saturday morning as I set off on the journey. Resolute, because however nervous I felt, I was so determined to make it a good experience. I’d brought a little present with me, as usual, and if it wasn’t accepted I wasn’t going to be upset. I was still going to be happy that I’d at least gone there, made the visit, made contact.
As it was quite a long journey, we always stayed overnight in a B meeting Gemma and Poppy had helped me, I would cope, I’d prove to everyone that I could handle it.
But as it turned out, I couldn’t. I fell apart, just like I always did. I came home a wailing, snivelling wreck, and no amount of cajoling and comforting, repeated assurances that I mustn’t give up, it’d all work out OK in the end – none of it was going to help, because I’d failed, yet again. My carefully wrapped present had been thrown across the room and the visit had to be written off, as always. A disaster, as always. And I was left wondering – as always – whether it would ever be any different.