Chapter 22
Going Through The Emotions
Hayvin
Each time I pass the flowers on my counter, my lip curls in disgust and I have to resist the urge to hurl them straight into the trash.
My mind simmers like a pressure cooker, emotions rattling the lid, threatening to explode at any moment.
I keep replaying my conversation with Alek. He fired back answers so quickly, when I expected hesitation or silence. His certainty caught me off guard, and these days, he rarely surprises me.
I felt smug, convinced he knew nothing about me because he simply didn’t care. That was my truth, because he’d never bothered to prove otherwise.
Our relationship had its bright spots. So often, my heart and mind convinced me he cared. Now, after our talk, I wonder if they were urging me to look past the mask Alek always wore.
Why, though?
Why the pretense?
Why put on a front with someone you’re in a serious relationship with? Someone you’ve made promises to? Someone who was upfront about what they wanted?
That’s the hardest part for me to choke down in all of this.
I never lied to Alek about what I was looking for. I wanted it all, and I wanted it with him. After I told him, he had the chance to walk away. Alek knew that even though he could give me all that I wanted, he wouldn’t do it.
And that…
That makes me angry.
Why waste my time so completely?
Why make me feel as if he didn’t care?
It seems so…selfish to me.
He tells me he loves me now, but how the hell do I believe those words?
Over the past few days, I’ve grabbed my phone again and again, desperate to spill these tangled emotions out of me.
Why should I be the only one burdened with them when he’s the reason they’re colliding inside me?
Each time my finger lingers over his name, I freeze, uncertain if I’m ready to crack the door open any wider between us.
For three years, I wanted him to be as in with me as I was with him. Instead, every time I turned around, he was always fighting it, choosing to put another woman between us as a buffer.
The moment I finally choose myself, he floods me with the feelings I’d begged for all along. Now, I’m the one slamming on the brakes.
The rush of this ride just isn’t worth the cost of admission.
Not until I’m brave enough to climb aboard without a seat belt, and right now, nothing promises I’d survive the ride.
My eyes fall to the flowers, and his answers to my questions creep back into my head.
Slowly, I reach out, fingertips brushing the petals for the first time since I set them in water. Their silkiness tugs a wistful smile onto my lips.
I jerk my hand back, scowling as soon as I realize what I’m doing.
My heart wants to soften, but I’m not ready to let it.
Not yet.
A single tear slips down my cheek as I pull the flowers from their vase.
So what if I breathe in their scent for a few moments? No one’s here to witness it but me.
I stomp the trash can lever and toss the flowers in, exhaling in relief only once the lid snaps shut over their colors.
Out of sight, out of mind.
For now, at least.