16. Chapter Sixteen
Chapter Sixteen
Summer
My life feels different.
I’m a college dropout. My mother was murdered. I can’t push the thought of my father being involved aside, and now I masturbated while thinking about Alec. The day isn’t even over, and I feel worse off than I did before leaving this morning.
I sit up on my bed, looking around the room and catching a small glimpse of myself in my vanity mirror. My hair is a mess, and my mascara is smudged under my eyes. There is only one thing left I can do… laugh.
I laugh at myself, but it turns to sobs too soon.
The short cries turn into a river of tears seeping down my face. I can’t control them. I can’t get them to stop, and I hate myself for it. The tears make me feel weak, and I’m supposed to be stronger than this. Stronger for Mom.
My breathing comes in shorter gasps, and I’m pretty sure my throat is closing in on me.
I’m officially hyperventilating.
I curl up, bringing my pillow to my chest, and hold on tight as if it’ll help soothe the pain that’s stabbing me directly in my heart. It doesn’t help. Nothing helps, and all I’m left to do is wait it out until I can breathe. Until I feel like a normal human being again, which is silly because there is nothing wrong with crying.
There is nothing wrong with allowing the pain to be free once in a while, knowing that if I did hold it all in forever, I would crumble into the ground and never return.
Twenty minutes feels like three hours, but I’m finally able to inhale oxygen without choking on myself. Using the pads of my fingers, I try to dry my face the best I can before getting out of bed to clean the vibrator and put it back into the box.
I take a minute to myself, checking over my phone, only to find myself rereading the last message Alec sent me. Frowning, I feel like such a jerk for not responding to him. I didn’t know what to say. As much as I wanted to say yes, Dad told me after the funeral, we could catch up, and I have a sliver of hope that doing so will help me make up my mind about whether or not he was a part of my mother’s murder.
I’m so conflicted.
I hear Dad’s feet shuffling outside my door, and without thinking I grab the box from my bed and quickly rush over to my closet and toss it on the floor beside my shoes.
A sharp pain shoots through my heart the second I swing open my bedroom door and find Dad shuffling through his closet to pull out a clean police uniform.
He’s not planning to go to work, is he? Today of all days?
My fingers tighten around the door knob. “Hey, Dad.”
He doesn’t say anything as he slips off his tuxedo jacket, replacing it with his work shirt. My gut twists, matching the tight expression on my father’s face.
“Are you going to work?” I ask nervously.
Finally, he looks at me, staring at me in silence. There’s no smile. His eyes don’t light up how they used to. My muscles tighten slightly. I’m trying not to show how upset I am, but he notices.
“I’m heading in to help with a case,” he finally says.
I exhale, but my tense muscles don’t ease up. He sounds stressed, and I wish I knew why, but I don’t feel like digging too deep into something that seems to be a work matter. Even if I asked, he wouldn’t tell me.
“You don’t usually work on cases. Did you get promoted?”
Dad buttons his work shirt and adjusts his belt, attaching his police badge to it and strapping his gun to the side of his pants. “I have not, but the opportunity is there.”
He walks past me and down the stairs. I follow him, feeling like my emotions are going to burst outside of my skin all over again.
“How could you think about work at a time like this? We just buried Mom.”
He sighs and turns on his heels before opening the door. “You wouldn’t understand, Summer.”
Anger flows through me. I suck in a heavy breath to regain my composure. “I’m not a child.” I’m so tired of him treating me like I’m still a child. “You told me we could catch up after the funeral. What changed?” The words rush out of my mouth before I can stop them.
Dad looks at me for a beat before smirking, swiveling around, and leaving without answering my question. I close my eyes hoping it’ll stop the tears that brim my eyes, but it doesn’t. One sneaks out anyway, trickling down my cheek. I wipe it away quickly, gather my dress up with one hand, and run back up the stairs.
The sliver of hope I had shatters into a million pieces, leaving me left in a whim.
Instead of wallowing in self-pity, I think about the invitation Alec left open for me. My eyes scale out the window, the sun as bright as ever.I take a deep breath, knowing that I’m jumping out of my comfort, and I change my clothes, throwing on a pair of shorts and a loose tee knotted at the side. Using my small hand brush, I comb through my hair and clean up the mascara drooping down my face.
Then I stride across town, heading straight to Alec’s apartment.
***
If I stare at this building any longer, I’m positive someone will call the cops on me.
The clean red brick building towers over me as I tap my phone in the palm of my hand, questioning myself.
Why did I come here?
Oh, because he invited you.
But that doesn’t change the fact that I didn’t text him back to let him know I was coming. God, I feel so stupid. There’s a good chance he won’t be home. At least that would save me from this embarrassment.
I should go back home. Should . But if I do, I know that I will regret not seeing if he’s home. And then what? Allow myself to live in fear? I don’t think so. I’m sick and tired of living behind the fear my father planted in me over the years.
The last thing I want right now is to be alone, and in this moment it’s Alec’s presence I want to consume my time.
It’s like I need him or something.
Weird.
I suck in as much air as I can into my lungs to help build the courage that I wish I was born with. Natural courage would be far better than fighting for it. But I don’t have that, so cheers to learning how to believe in myself.
Slipping my phone into my back pocket, I stride over to the front door of the building with confidence that is quickly replaced with a trembling hand as it reaches for the knob to open the door.
It’s dark in here. I don’t know why I expected there to be much lighting. There’s one small light that casts a soft glow onto the wooden floor. It stretches down the narrow hall and curves upward, following the length of the stairs.
The air feels thicker in here as I breathe softly. Probably because I’m as nervous as I was when I went on my first roller coaster at Six Flags at the age of thirteen.
My tongue presses against the roof of my mouth as I swallow the thickness in my throat. I turn my head slightly where the studio door is. Curiosity gets the best of me and I peek through the frosted glass on the door, thankful that the hallway light is at least bright enough for me to make out what’s inside.
Colorful cables snake across the floor, and the walls look to be lined with wooden panels. I can’t see much of anything else, besides the red carpet. A small smile forms on my face before I swivel toward the stairs, anticipation sneaking back in. But my nerves claw at my insides making my heartbeat reverberate through my ears.
I climb the stairs anyway, refusing to let fear win.
When I reach the landing, I’m met with a tall white door and I swallow harshly, needing to gather the strength to knock. Alec mentioned he lived above the studio. I didn’t realize his apartment was the only one in this building.
Refusing to let fear win, I curl one hand into a tight fist, my nails digging into my palms until the pain calms the nerves scaling in my bones. I suck in a deep breath and raise my hand to knock on the door. The sound echoes through the empty hallway, seeming to only amplify my nerves.
My heart leaps, the pulse in my neck spazzing as I wait for the door to open. I nervously bite my bottom lip, as if I haven’t eaten in days and rock back and forth on my toes.
After waiting for what feels like forever… I tell myself he’s not home. I hate that I feel a little relieved because I was really hoping that he was going to be home.
I mean, why invite me over and then not be here?
Because you didn’t respond to him, duh.
Blowing out a breath, I turn on my heels, only to stop on the second step as the lock on the door clicks and the hinges creak as the door opens slowly.
“Going somewhere, Sunshine?” Alec’s deep voice rushes out causing me to swirl back around suddenly.
My heart shoots to the center of my throat as I take him in. He leans flawlessly against the door frame, shirtless . My eyes scan across his skin, tracing the intricate patterns permanently inked into his chest. His breathing is steady. My fingertips tingle as I imagine the rough texture of his tattoos under my touch, leaving me helpless as my eyes create an invisible path down his torso, to the peak of his boxers that show from beneath the waistband of his jean shorts.
The sound of his laugh fills my ears forcing my eyes to shoot to his. He watched me admire his body. My mouth parts, wanting to give him an answer but it seems I have suddenly lost my voice.
Somehow, I find it, and reply. “I… well, uh. I’m sorry. I should go.”
An ache shoots between my legs from the movement of his teeth dragging along his bottom lip. I’m officially frozen, cemented into the stairs.
“You can come in.”
I look down at my feet, sweeping a small strand of my blond hair behind my ear. When I look back at him, his arms are across his chest and the corner of his lip is curled upward.
I nod, walking back up the two steps and following him inside his apartment. My feet come to a sudden halt when my eyes meet a girl sitting at his bar-like counter that’s connected to his cabinets. It’s not just any girl… It’s Samantha.
Her eyes make one sweep over me, studying me like I’m some kind of test. Thick, uncomfortable silence fills this room, making me feel like I have some kind of plague.
Anxiety rises up my chest, nearly swooshing the air from my lungs. I bite down on the inside of my cheek to tame it down, but it doesn’t help much.
The last thing I need is to feel awkward.
Samantha runs her fingers through her beautiful, long brown hair and rises from the stool. Maybe she’s going to leave and then I can breathe again.
“I’m heading out.” Her hand grabs Alec’s arms, and from the corner of my eye I could have sworn she squeezed. “I’ll see you later, Alec.”
My muscles tighten from the way his name fell from her mouth. I’m forced to shake the anger out of me because I refuse to accept that I am a wee bit jealous.
The way she watches me as she walks out of his apartment gives me the assumption that she doesn’t like me just as much as I currently do not like her. That is ridiculous, though, because I’ve never once judged a person the way I am judging her now.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t expect you to come by,” Alec says, clearing the cups off the counter and placing them into the sink.
I give him a soft smile. “You don’t have to apologize. I should have texted you back.”
He chuckles with a shrug. “That would have been nice.”
I scrunch my nose. “Yeah, I’m really sorry. I wasn’t interrupting something, was I?”
He looks at me with furrowed brows. “Of course not. What makes you think that?”
I huff a laugh and wave my arm out. “You’re not wearing a shirt.”
He looks down at himself and smiles. “If I had to guess, you like it.”
I gasp, but my flustered cheeks make it obvious that he’s right. The downfall of having pale skin.
Silence falls again, giving me time to get a good look at his apartment. I don’t know why I thought everything would look different… Considering he’s in a band, I had assumed his place would be more thrilling. But it’s not. It’s so… basic. Blank white walls. The tiles are clean and shiny. You could probably eat off the floor.
He gives me a minute to digest everything, which I appreciate. When I’m ready to break the silence, I blurt out the first word that comes to mind. “Purple.”
I cringe, and his expression changes, clearly confused. I can’t help but laugh. “My bra color.”