Chapter Eleven
Now that’s a question and a half. Do I want to talk about it?
The thought of bringing my ugly parents into what I think is a fledgling relationship is the last thing I want to do.
I’m not ready to block them, but it won’t take much more from them to do it.
The passive aggression from my parents has moved on to simple aggression.
No more tiptoeing around my disappearance from their lives.
Now it’s full-on ranting and insistence to talk to them.
Apparently, I’m behaving like a child, and I need to stop the silly nonsense of my sexuality.
I just haven’t met the right girl yet. I’m thirty-five and hardly looking for girls.
Texts aren’t enough for my mum now. She’s adding voicemails to her daily assault.
Both she and my dad will never accept me for who I am, and they will never apologise.
I’ve been trying to remember how they had treated Josh when he came out.
He was still a part of our family and in our lives back then.
They even went to his and Merrick’s wedding, but what would they have done when Willow got older? She’s the image of Merrick.
“No, not really. I’m having a great time and really don’t want to ruin it,” I say.
“That’s okay, but I’m here and happy to listen if you need to.” Merlin kisses me sweetly again.
I nod, then grab the box of salad and a fork. I shovel a mouthful into my mouth and chew. “What’s the first thing you have to do on the land?” I mumble. Merlin laughs and snags a forkful from the tub.
Our conversation is light now, allowing me to push away the crappy attitude from my parents.
“Tell me more about your brother,” Merlin asks.
“Josh? Um, you know the story, don’t you? Merrick is one of your best friends.” I’m not sure what I can say about him. What does he want to know?
“I’ve heard about his illness and what happened to Merrick. I don’t want you to relive the pain of that. I’d like to know about you and him. You smile every time you mention him, so you’ve got to have happy memories too.”
Warmth spread through me, not because of thinking of Josh, but because of the fact that Merlin’s aware of me and how I feel.
No one has ever done that. It’s always about how sorry they are, and they don’t want to upset me by talking about him.
“Josh was the golden boy, super clever, driven, focused, but never a dick about it. He was just good at everything. We were more than brothers. We were friends. He had the usual dickish behaviour towards me when he was fourteen, but he grew out of it. As I grew older, the more we got on. I remember him telling Mum and Dad he was gay.” I chuckle.
“It wasn’t pretty, but they wanted to be able to boast about him to their friends, and as long as he didn’t bring any boyfriends home or look gay, they could pretend everything was ‘normal’. ” I make quote signs with my fingers.
“What about you? They must’ve been okay with you too,” Merlin asks.
I laugh, but it’s dry and humourless. “No, that’s why I’m here.
I’ll get to that. I knew I was bisexual when I was about fifteen.
Josh would’ve been eighteen and about to start university.
He told me not to say anything until I’d found my person.
We would hang out a lot more. I think it was his way of protecting me from our parents.
When I was eighteen, we would go out to bars and clubs, and one night, he met Merrick.
I remember when he brought Merrick home the first time.
It was priceless. My mother looked like she’d swallowed a wasp.
But Josh wasn’t fazed. He had found the love of his life and didn’t care if they accepted him. ”
“You must miss him terribly.”
“I do, although I was angry with him for a long time, even before he died. He stubbornly refused any treatment. To me, that felt like he was giving up. Willow was only a few weeks old, and he wouldn’t listen to any of us.
As he got weaker, he would lie with Willow and sleep.
I hated every moment, but I was there every day, sometimes to look after Willow so Merrick could have some time with Josh.
It was afterwards at the funeral that it all turned to shit for me.
My parents wanted Willow, wanted her to grow up in a traditional family, a.k.a.
not with a gay single father. Merrick and Josh had an idea that this would happen, so they had Willow’s DNA tested.
She was Merrick’s biological daughter. As soon as my parents heard that, they walked away as if she were nothing to them.
I was appalled, furious with them. They said that I would be the one to give them a real grandchild. ”
“Jesus, Trent. That’s horrendous.” Merlin looks as horrified as he sounds. “How did you cope?”
“I gave them the brush-off for a long time, but eventually, I started to see them on Sundays for lunch and a weekly berating for not having a girlfriend, let alone a wife. Until earlier this year, when I finally snapped when they tried to set me up with another daughter of someone they knew. I told them if she has a brother, I’d be interested. ”
This raises a smile on Merlin’s sad face. “They don’t deserve you.” He chews on the corner of his lip. “Neither did the man who made you feel crap about yourself.”
I nod slowly, not wanting to go back down that dark alley. “I know that, but like I said, I’ve made some bad choices and have been left with trust issues. Mostly, I don’t trust myself. But…”
“But?” He gestures for me to keep talking by circling his hand.
“But you’re incredibly hot, and that makes me nervous. I’m attracted to men who look like you, but they tend to only want me for one thing. They think I’m going to be easy, so they lay the charm on thick.”
“Will you please stop putting yourself down? I think you’re gorgeous.
I like you even more now that we’re getting to know more about each other.
You’re funny and so damn pretty I want to stare at you the whole time.
But that would be a bit freaky and probably have you running for the hills.
I’m not trying to lay on any charm. I’m also not expecting you to be an easy lay.
I just want to spend time with you in any way you’ll have me. Okay?”
I stare at him. His expression is earnest and genuine, and he’s said it enough times for me to believe him. “Okay.”
“Good. Now, have you finished eating? I fancy a walk along the beach. What d’you say?”
“I say yes and yes.” I pack up the food and get everything back in the bags. Merlin picks up the rugs and gives them a shake, only just missing me with the crumbs and sand stuck to them.
“Oh crap, sorry, sorry. Did you get any in your eyes?”
With a laugh and a shake of my head, I take them from him and roll them up. “I’ll hang them over the line, let the wind finish the job.”
We go back to the cottage to drop it all off.
Then I hold out my hand for him, and we stroll back to the dunes and down the narrow path, walking in single file but our hands still joined, to the beach.
The sand is warm under my feet as we amble barefoot down to the shoreline.
The waves aren’t big enough to surf today, leaving only gentle laps to wash over my feet.
Merlin is quiet. He must be thinking over all I told him.
He’s still holding my hand, rubbing his thumb over the back of mine.
Maybe now is a good time to come out with the final thing.
Maybe telling him will make me feel better, a confession of sorts.
“His name is Marc,” I say quietly. “He was a friend of a friend who tagged along to a party in a club. He was incredibly handsome, tall, with broad shoulders, a wicked gleam in his eye. Everything I loved in a man. He flirted with me all night, danced close with his hands on me, bought all my drinks, and at the end of the night, I went home with him. It was intense from then on. We were together a lot.” Merlin is back to chewing on the corner of his lip. “Hey, stop that.”
“I hate him already,” Merlin snarls.
“So did Josh and Merrick. They saw right from the start what he was like, but I didn’t listen to them.
Anyway, to cut the story short because he’s not worth the time, he started to be passive-aggressive, would put me down in front of our friends.
He would tell me I couldn’t take a joke.
But I let him. I was in love with him. I told him I wanted to come out to my parents, to make us official, but he always had a reason why it wasn’t a good time for him to meet them.
It wasn’t until the debacle with my parents that he showed himself and what I was to him.
He laughed, telling me he wasn’t into anything serious.
I was pretty to look at, good fun in bed, and a few more hurtful comments.
Basically, when I told him I was going away, he said I wasn’t good enough to be his boyfriend.
He was looking for someone more in his league. ”
We stop walking.
“That’s it. That’s why I’m like I am.”