9. Felicity
9
Felicity
A fter Hannah and Jonas leave my office, I shut down my computer and lock up. I’m too angry to drive home and too upset to head to the campus fundraiser to watch Jonas take the stage.
Instead, my feet carry me off campus and toward the beach where I wind up inside the Cork and Screw.
While I swirl a glass of pinot noir in my hands, the questions run rampant in my head.
Why was I more comfortable making myself uncomfortable and small for the sake of everyone else’s happiness? Why did I agree to be in Nina and Nicholas’s wedding when I had every right to refuse the so-called honor? Why did I waste years in relationships that weren’t half as satisfying as the quiet hours I spent working side by side with Jonas in an empty classroom?
And why did the easy rapport, desperate need, and combustible sex with Jonas scare me?
Because it’s real.
I sip my wine and let that truth sink in.
Somehow, being with Jonas has allowed me to be more myself. Most relationships in my life centered on me squashing my own needs and desires to fit into neat little boxes that everyone else was comfortable with.
With Nicholas and previous partners, it meant accepting subpar, unsatisfactory sex and thinking I had to put up with it because he was pleasant enough to be around and we were friendly.
With my family, it meant stepping up to the plate to meet expectations I felt pressured to take on in order to maintain the peace.
Now I can see that I did not put my own needs and desires first. I prioritized everyone else above myself, but doing so never resulted in greater happiness for me.
But what had?
Following Jonas’s advice when I felt torn between two choices. Considering myself and what I should do with his advice echoing in my head.
Whatever the hell you want to do, darling.
With those words, he’d granted me permission to seize control of my own life and exert my own desires. Since following his advice, I’d found greater freedom and acceptance of myself. I found ways to love myself more.
And ultimately, found a path to unexpected love.
The thought makes me freeze in the act of swirling my wine in the glass. I never expected to fall in love with Jonas, but the truth of it is plain.
I love Jonas.
I don’t know how, I don’t know when, but somewhere along the way, I found myself seeking his presence as a comfort. I yearned for him to be near me. I enjoyed every aspect of our relationship and felt emboldened and empowered by the trust we built with one another. Somehow, we’d become each other’s safe havens and there wasn’t anyone else in my life that I felt I could reveal the thoughts and feelings I’d so often kept to myself.
Surely I wouldn’t have been so willing to sacrifice the career I loved and the job I worked so hard for anything less than true love.
“Thought I’d find you here.” Charisse sidles up next to me at the bar and I turn to see her decked out in full make-up and a sequin dress.
“What are you doing here?”
“You weren’t answering your phone and an SOS was sent out on social media.”
“A what?”
“Am I last? Shit, I’m last.” Cora bursts in, puffing out a breath and swiping at the sweat on her brow. Then she leans in and snatches up my glass and drains it while I stare at her.
“What the hell are you guys doing here?”
“We’re rescuing you.” Cora says, slapping a twenty-dollar bill on the bar and linking her arm with mine.
“From what?”
“Yourself,” Charisse says, tucking her arm through my other arm. Together, my cousins march me out of the wine bar and back into the fading California sunset.
“What’s the SOS? Who sent an SOS?”
“Jonas reached out to BXT artists and SBU alumni asking if we’d come judge a talent show and share about a surprise appearance on social media,” Charisse answers. “I knew he looked familiar to me. Did you know I signed a deal with BXT Records and that his mom is head of the label?”
“He’s also the son of my dean,” I grumble, feet dragging over the sandy concrete as I dig in and stop walking. “It’s all fucked, okay? I’m about to get fired. Jonas and I were caught in the act. It’s over. It’s all over.”
Charisse and Cora exchange a look.
Then Cora steps up to me and gives my hands a squeeze. “Look we don’t have all the details, but we can see that you’re catastrophizing. You didn’t do this when Nicholas bailed on you or when Nina asked you to be in her wedding.”
“That’s because I was saving face! I was doing those things because it was my duty to make sure everyone was taken care of. To make sure I did right by everyone.”
“Why is that your responsibility?” Cora asks.
“It just is ,” I snap. “I’m the eldest, Cora. I was always meant to take care of everyone.”
My cousins exchange another look and I take a deep breath.
“But maybe it’s time I start taking responsibility for myself and prioritizing the things I want out of life.” I glance over at the setting sun and back up the pathway that leads to campus.
“Great. What is that, then?” Charisse nudges.
“If it’s the end of my world as I know it, I want it to have been worth the price. I don’t want to be afraid anymore. Not of the things I want in my life. And what I want in Jonas.”
* * *
Walking into the off-campus pub with my cousins at my side, I’m surprised to see it as packed as it is. Normally, campus events might get a decent turnout, but the space is cramped and hot. I’m squeezing between people as Cora bulldozes a trail to the front.
Seeing him up there makes my heart pound and my stomach twist. I love him so much. I don’t feel ashamed of our relationship, even though I think some people might object. Jonas has finally taught me that what I want matters, too.
Charisse goes to take an empty seat by a rotund, kind-faced blond woman with blue eyes and a pantsuit while Cora pushes me in front of her and gives me a nudge so I’m standing slightly apart from the gathered crowd, just to the left of the stage.
“Thank you, everyone, for coming out tonight. What a turnout this is!” Jonas speaks into the mic and his gaze lands on me. His eyes warm instantly and I can feel a blush heating my cheeks. “Special thanks to the esteemed faculty and staff of SBU for making all the arrangements for us to host this talent show, and to BXT Records for coming out to help us with judging!”
A round of applause and cheers erupts from the crowd.
Jonas continues. “Tonight was supposed to be a small, student lead talent show to raise money for a new, multi-functional, dedicated performing arts center for SBU. But the whole reason we attend school and study the subjects we enroll in is to prepare for our futures. We wanted to offer everyone the opportunity to apply their knowledge, efforts, and talent in front of some pros. So tonight, for the next few hours, you will take the stage and perform for Maureen Baxter, head of BXT Records.”
Maureen rises from her seat, waving to the cheering crowd.
“BXT Recording artist Charisse!”
My cousin beams and waves with both hands before taking a seat next to Maureen.
“And Archer Lee, SBU alumni and current lead pianist at the Ivory Keys!”
The final judge rises from his seat and waves.
Jonas goes on to explain that he’s giving the artists a few moments to prepare and then they’d start bringing the acts out after a short set from him and his bandmates. Then after a short pow wow with his team, he leaps from the stage and heads up to me.
“You came.”
“You sent my cousins after me.” Then I close my eyes and shake my head. “What I mean is, I wanted to come. But then everything went down with Han—your mom . And I had to take a beat to consider things.”
“I was trying to get through all this and then come find you. I couldn’t leave them hanging.”
“I understand and respect you stepping up to the plate to do your duty.”
“I don’t want to lose you, Felicity. I told you once that whatever you ask of me, I’m willing to give.” He lifts his hat off his head and runs his fingers through the dark blonde strands that swing right back into his clear blue eyes. “If that’s time to work out what you want, then I’ll wait for you. If it’s for—”
“You,” I say, leaning in as his eyes flare. “What I want is you. What makes me happy is wine, books, and you. What I choose is a life with you. Jonas, I love you.”
Then I press my lips to his and silence whatever else he’s going to promise me. For a stunned second, he stands there, unmoving. Then his arms band around my waist and he pulls me in tight for a breathtaking kiss that has me seeing fireworks flashing behind my eyelids.
My stomach flops and my heart thunders in my chest as he pulls away.
“I love you, too, Felicity.” He pops his hat on my head and he laces his fingers through mine. “It’s why I dropped your class right after you told me to.”
My mouth drops open. “What? But your name was still on my roster, for weeks.”
He shrugs. “I think sometimes the system takes a while to update.”
“But you kept showing up to my class. You participated in discussions. You turned in assignments. I graded them.”
He clicks his tongue. “I really enjoyed the class. It have this excellent, smoking hot teacher…”
I shove him a little, laughing. “You said dropping my class would delay your graduation and the rest of your life.”
“That was true.”
“I don’t want you delay graduation, Jonas. I’m already in trouble with one of your moms. Maybe both.”
He grins. “I keep telling you not to worry. I can handle my moms.”
“You have a plan.”
He slips his hat onto my head and taps the tip of my nose. “Now you’re catching on, darling.”
I slip an arm around his waist. “If we’re going to do this thing, if we’re going to be together, we need to be on the same page. You need to tell me what these plans are so we can do them together. You can’t keep leaving me out of your plans, especially if they concern and affect me.”
“You’re right. I’m sorry. I should’ve considered that my choices put you in a difficult position. It was selfish of me and I promise I won’t hold back anymore. Certainly not now that I know you’re willing to face the fallout alongside me.”
“You and me versus the world,” I tip my head back and he kisses me full the mouth. “That’s a pretty rock-n-roll thing to do, huh?”
He laughs, eyes twinkling in the overhead lights. “I will always have your back.”
“I’ll always have yours,” I say, grinning. “Now tell me what the plan is.”
He nods at Kelsey and Iwan who are deep in conversation with another young man in black jeans and a ripped Rolling Stones T-shirt. “Remember when I said I stepped back from the band?”
“Yeah?”
“It’s because I took your advice and took different elective. The extra class affected my ability to dedicate as much time to the band, but it also gave me the time and space to put together a plan for my future. So, I’ll be an SBU grad in a few weeks, and right after that, I’ll launch something that’s more my vibe.”
“What do you mean?”
He gestures around us. “This is the beginning of Jonas Baxter Talent Management. I’m scouting the local talent pool and giving my mom first glance at the future stars of tomorrow.”
“So you’re not taking the job with your mom?” I glance up at him.
“I want to work with the artists on their behalf, not on behalf of the label.” He slides a hand over my shoulder, where my tattoo lies. “I wanted to be true to myself and build my own legacy.”
“That’s admirable,” I murmur, catching his hand with mine. “How do your moms feel about that?”
“We can find out. Together.” His eyes sparkle as he leans in for another kiss that I feel down in my toes. “Think you’ll stay for my last set as lead singer?”
This time, I don’t have to think about whether I should stay or if I should go. But I grin coyly up at him and ask, “What do you think I should do?”
He doesn’t miss a beat as he captures my chin and tilts it up to his. “Whatever you want to do, darling.”
“I want to stay. With you. For you. Always.”
“Yes, ma’am.” He winks and I laugh, scolding him with my finger as blood hums in my veins when he takes the stage once again.
Whatever barriers were between us, I know we can overcome them together. With a lot of love, a little faith, and a foundation of trust, we can make sure that the good times keep on rolling for a long time yet.