14. Samuel #2
“But I get it,” I said, cracking my fingers. “Sometimes things become… tense , don’t they? I have that, too. I also get angry, but more at myself than at others. Maybe that’s why I don’t have the urge to punch someone in the face. But I understand that it has to go somewhere.”
“I knew you’d have this side somewhere in you,” Benji grinned, pushing himself off the wall and onto his knees, holding his hands out in front of him.
I couldn’t quite read him, but judging by the anticipatory look on his face, Benji must expect something to happen now.
“Come on,” Benji said, eager to… do what exactly?
I pushed myself up onto my knees, still unsure where Benji was headed with this. I wasn’t going to disappoint him, though, so I tried to copy him as best I could.
“What now?”
Without a word, Benji lunged at me, wrapping his arms around my body, and shoved me to the floor. I squeaked—just like with the rocking chair earlier—wishing I hadn’t. Now lying on top of me, Benji burst into laughter.
“You also have to fight back, not just squeak like a frightened frog.”
“Why? What are we doing?”
“Wrestling?” Benji pushed himself up to take his weight off me. “Have you never wrestled someone just for the fun of it? To get the tension out of your system?”
“Who’d do such a thing?”
“I’m sorry. I thought…” Benji sat back, the smile fading from his face. “I wrestle with Gordy all the time. Like, in a friendly way, not to hurt each other. It’s actually relaxing. I’m not saying you have to try it, but...” A spark flared in his eyes.
I was torn, sweating, and didn’t understand what was going on inside my head.
Something told me Benji might be onto something.
Something else that I wouldn’t get hurt if I let this happen.
The loudest voice in my head, though, screamed that this was yet another situation where we’d end up in close physical contact—again at his suggestion—not to mention that I was far too excited to feel him press his body against mine.
And then I said the stupidest thing ever.
“Aren’t you worried the gay will rub off on you?”
“For a smart guy, you sometimes say dumb things.” Benji put a finger-gun to his head and mimed pulling the trigger before a sly grin slid back onto his face. “I suggest you get that out of your system.”
“By wrestling you?”
“It’s cheaper than a shrink.” He raised his arms again, like the gesture alone might convince me.
Why was he so set on this?
Maybe... there was nothing wrong with it. Perhaps he wouldn’t care if I enjoyed this for different reasons than he did, as long as it was consensual.
“Just... be gentle.” I raised my arms as well. “This is something new.”
“You’ll get one advantage, but that’s it,” Benji replied, wrapping his arms around my shoulders and yanking me close. In one smooth move, he flipped us so he was on his back and I was straddling him. “Better use it.”
My breath flattened. For strange reasons, this was a lot more thrilling than anything else that had happened today. I stared at Benji, noticing his soft hair spilling back against the carpet now that he was lying there. Why did he look so freaking cute all of a sudden?
“Ready. Set. Go,” Benji said, not giving me another second to hesitate.
Incited, I pressed all my weight onto him with as much force as I could, my chest crashing against his. He wheezed before bursting into laughter.
“Not bad, Sam.”
I grabbed his wrists and pinned them to the ground. Holding him down wasn’t complicated at all, almost too easy, which could only mean he wasn’t really trying.
“Why aren’t you fighting back?” I said, already panting.
“Once you’re there, I will.”
“That doesn’t make any sense.”
“Soon, Sam.” He put some strength into his arms and pushed me up, but let himself fall back a second later, as if he just wanted to give me a sneak peek of what was coming. “If you want to get things out of your system, you should actually get them out. So, tell me, what’s making you angry?”
“I don’t know.”
“Oh, shut up. You do .”
“No, I don’t.”
Benji pushed me up again, but this time didn’t stop. He flipped me over and settled on top of me, his legs pinning me down, his elbow pressing into my chest—firm enough that I felt the pressure but not so hard I couldn’t breathe, though he probably could’ve easily made that happen.
“You always act so unbothered, Sam, just taking everything as it comes, always seeing the best side in everything. But today, you were different. When I was bleeding, you suddenly showed another side.”
“I was just concerned.” I tried to push back, but Benji didn’t budge an inch.
He shook his head. “That’s only half the truth.”
“Is not.”
“Keep telling yourself that.”
“Why are you so adamant that I—” I took a deep breath.
Benji’s grin widened in a way that started to annoy me.
“Okay, fine .” I stopped fighting with my body, but my lips tightened as if my mouth was about to explode.
“Of course, I hated that this shit happened today. And I hated that you got hurt and didn’t want to let me help you, even though you wouldn’t have ended up in a fight if I hadn’t been there. ”
Benji loosened his grip a little. “Say it with your body.”
I pushed into his chest until he slipped off me and sat on the ground. I got on my knees, knowing I couldn’t have done this if Benji hadn’t let it happen, but it didn’t matter. I was so worked up now that the only way out was to go through with what we had started.
“I fucking hate that people can behave like your stupid cousin and are still somehow celebrated by society.” I pushed Benji’s shoulders.
He let himself fall back to the floor. “I fucking hate that no matter how good my intentions are and how hard I try, it never seems to be good enough.” I rammed my head into his chest. “And I fucking hate that I’m so riled up right now that I actually do want to slap you, even though none of this is because of you. ”
“See? Now you’re ready.”
Benji wrapped his arms around my torso. He probably meant to lift me back up, to get on top again, but I was determined not to let him. I made myself heavy, pushed my head harder into his chest, and planted my feet into the floor to gain as much traction as possible.
But Benji had been ready for that.
He intertwined his legs with mine and flipped me like it was child’s play. He didn’t even try to get back on top; he just held me while I was struggling with everything I had.
“Ugh,” I groaned, wriggling my legs, but I couldn’t break his grip. “And I hate that I’m not strong enough to stand a chance.”
“If you manage to get away from me, you can slap me. In the face. Without me fighting back.”
“I don’t wanna freaking slap you . I want to slap everyone else .” I wriggled harder. “But maybe you a little—for fighting that Pete guy, though there was no need for it.”
“Now we’re getting to it. I’m starting to like you even more.”
That sentence made me stop.
With the sudden halt to my resistance, Benji relaxed his hold on me, too. I lifted my head, and we exchanged a look, both of us stunned. He must’ve also realized what he had said and how it sounded.
As if he needed to release something now, too, he tried to pin me down again, but I wasn’t giving in.
I pushed back into his arms and somehow managed to keep him from flipping me on my back.
Now, lying side by side, we both tried to get on top at the same time, which turned into a clumsy, breathless wrestling match that dragged on for minutes.
We both panted. Our legs tangled and untangled.
Just like our arms. Just like our fingers.
Benji’s breath hit my face. He catapulted his head forward, bumping his forehead against mine, our mouths suddenly dangerously close to each other. For a moment, I felt free. There was nothing but us, letting loose some of the stuff that had been building up.
“Why are you so strong?” I gasped, clenching my teeth.
“I’m actually holding back, so it’s fairer to you.”
“Of course you do,” I teased.
We walked a thin line between fun and seriousness, a line that blurred more and more the longer we kept at it. I found myself wishing this wasn’t the end of it, wishing I could get even closer, breathe him in, enjoy his touch and warmth without feeling guilty.
“Don’t believe me?” Benji asked.
“Everyone can say they’re holding back.”
He didn’t need to be told twice. He pressed his right foot into the carpet, levered me around until I was on my chest, and sat on my back. I tried to fight, but when he twisted my arm behind me, I knew there was no escaping his grip.
“How about now?” He leaned down, bringing his mouth close to my ear. “Still feel like I’m holding back?”
I turned my head, so my mouth and nose weren’t buried in the carpet. “That proves nothing,” I shot back, squirming as if I didn’t enjoy feeling him on top of me.
He pushed harder into my back, pouring his whole weight on me as he lay down, his feet hooking around mine, his forehead pressing my head deeper into the floor.
“Say that again,” he growled, with a grin on his lips that I couldn’t see but hear.
“Why? Does it turn you on?”
The words left my mouth before I knew what I’d said. This was the line, the step over it, the one thing that went too far. My mouth went dry, my chest fluttered. I’d messed this up—big time.
Benji tightened his grip, his feet winding a firmer hold around my legs. He kept his head where it was, opening his mouth, his breath hot on my skin—and then he said the words that would turn my life upside down: “That would make two of us then, right?”
This wasn’t just teasing. For him to say something like that was like admitting that it was at least partly true for him. My heartbeat sped up. Did this mean that... he wanted more? That couldn’t be it. That was impossible, right?
“You win,” I whispered, and then again, a little louder, “You win.”
“Oh no, simply admitting defeat won’t get you out of this one.” Benji chuckled maliciously, almost as if he indeed was a little turned on. “You have to find a way to get out of my grip now.”
I wiggled, but the way he had wrapped himself around me didn’t allow me to move anything but my mouth.
“It’s impossible. I’m not as strong as you.”
“Don’t make yourself so small.”
I tried again. Of course, I would’ve loved to win, but there was no way out of this by strength alone. Unless... Who said I would have to win by force? Maybe I could outsmart him.
“Benji, really—ouch,” I said, inhaling sharply as I tried to free my wrists as if they actually hurt. “You’re hurting me.”
He paused. “Wait, really?”
“Yes.”
“Fuck, I...” And like the good guy he actually was, he let go of me right away, untangling his arms and legs, retreating to the floor beside me. “I’m so sorry. Are you okay?”
I gasped, sat up, and moved my wrists in circles as if they were sore. “It really hurts,” I lied and got on my knees to gain some leverage.
Benji’s face folded with regret as he glanced at my hands.
This was the moment I’d been hoping for. With him distracted, I gathered momentum and let myself fall onto him, grabbing both his arms and pinning them to the ground.
Benji’s eyes widened in surprise at being overpowered, but gave way to the fattest grin a second later. “You sneaky, little—I can’t believe you tricked me!” He laughed, wiggling his arms but not trying to break free. “Terrible liar, my ass.”
“Whatever’s fair in love and war.”
We locked eyes. Benji smirked.
“Well, now that you’re on top, do something with it.”
My brain tripped over itself, scrambling for what he could mean. There was only one thing that came to my mind—and he couldn’t possibly mean that .
I cleared my throat. “Like what?”
“Well, I cannot tell you. The one on top has to lead, didn’t you know?” He almost unnoticeably sucked his lower lip in for a second. His breaths slowed as we stopped moving, but for some reason, his stare intensified.
He couldn’t... this just couldn’t, right?
I pressed into his wrists, letting my lips drop closer to his, testing the waters.
His head tipped back, but stopped after an inch. He opened his mouth to inhale and then blew the air in my face.
“Come on, don’t be shy. Do something.”
Did he really want me to kiss him?
I leaned down further, hovering my mouth above his, but he still didn’t try to fight back.
“Don’t tell me, you're not afraid?” I teased.
“Of what?” He glanced at my mouth. His lips parted, and the tease that had filled his eyes until now suddenly faded. His chest rose heavily. “If you want it, take it.”
I stared. Everything tingled, urging me to stop and keep going at the same time. I must have misunderstood—there was no other way. My eyes flicked to his mouth, then back to his eyes.
He grumbled. Of course. But then... he leaned up. My head flinched back, but he was quicker. Our lips met—just for half a second, but long enough that it counted. His head sank back to the ground, his eyes pleading with me not to be mad.
He—not me—had broken the ice. He wanted this just as much as I did.
And without thinking twice, I leaned down and kissed him. Going all in. Lips on lips. And for some reason I couldn’t grasp yet, he opened his mouth and let me in.