21. Samuel #2
His words hadn’t even reached me when he walked outside and shut the door behind him.
I listened to his steps rushing down the metal staircase, following Mom to wherever they had parked their car, because I surely hadn’t seen it when I came home.
His last words echoed through my brain like the final strike of an orchestra at the end of a movie.
As always, he didn't say it outright, but his sentence could only be interpreted one way.
If I didn't come to my senses and end things with Benji, I would be on my own, whether I stayed or left.
The weight of that sank in, making it hard to breathe. Yet, it didn’t even surprise me.
Life couldn’t just stay easy for a little longer. That’s not how things went for me.
The silence roared in my ears like someone was constantly screaming at me. The dream I had spent years chasing—getting out of Red Creek—had become my nightmare.
I flopped into Benji’s armchair, and for a moment, the too soft cushions that had absorbed some of his scent did their thing, swallowing me whole. For a moment, it almost worked, almost felt like his arms around me.
But the comfort didn't last. Not even a full minute passed before I couldn't take it anymore. I grabbed my phone and shot him a message.
Me
What are you doing tonight? If you’re bored, you could come over, even if it’s late.
This couldn’t wait. I had to tell him what was going on, but in person.
If I accepted the scholarship, I’d be gone in two months.
Our days together suddenly had a number on them.
I wanted to ask him to come with me, although I already knew he wouldn’t—or more like couldn’t.
His mom needed him, and he wanted to be there for her.
Still, I needed to know where he stood, whether this meant the end of the short-lived us I had already grown accustomed to, or if there was a way out I hadn’t seen.
Silver Basin was roughly three hundred fifty miles away—not impossible far, but nowhere near close enough to keep things the way they were.
It took him three minutes to see my message, and another ten seconds to reply.
Benji
Everything okay?
He saw right through me.
After three weeks of practically seeing each other twenty-four seven, how could he not? Sure, three weeks wasn’t long in the grand scheme of things. Still, given the amount of time we spent together, I’d essentially given him a front-row seat to how my brain worked.
It had gone both ways. I’d learned plenty about him, too.
He was rather upfront most of the time, speaking his mind freely, only holding back when he knew it would cause trouble, mostly by hiding his hands in his pockets as if he had the key to his mouth hidden in there.
Whenever a naughty thought crossed his mind, he side-eyed me, and when he thought I was being silly, his right eyebrow popped up, while his left eye squinted, making his whole face look like a slope.
He claimed his mom’s meatloaf as his favorite dish, though he had just as much love for a good salad.
The garden behind their house didn’t just come to life because it saved them money on produce, but because Benji genuinely loved growing plants.
And watching him talk to them like they were people was the cutest thing I’d ever seen.
So if I’d gotten all that in such a short time, it’s no surprise that he could see straight through me, too.
I’m just a bit lonely.
I confessed—not the whole truth, but not a lie either.
I could be at your place at nine. Eight, if Dad comes home early.
He arrived at half past ten.
“My stupid fucking uncle called again,” he said, breathing heavy, as he wrapped his arms around me like he hadn’t already apologized twice via text. “But let’s not talk about that. I’ve got everything settled there.”
I held him close, feeling his chest against mine, wanting to tell him why I actually asked him to come over, but after hearing he’d had all that trouble again, I couldn’t.
I didn’t want to make his day any worse.
If we talked about it now, we’d likely not get much sleep, and with having to get up shortly before six for work, that didn’t seem right.
We went to bed rather quickly, snuggling against each other as if nothing had changed, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t fall asleep. I twisted and turned so much that shortly after midnight, Benji whispered, “Are you awake?”
“Yeah,” I whispered back, after contemplating for ten seconds, whether I should pretend.
“What’s going on?”
“Can’t sleep, that’s all.”
“You sure?”
“M-hm,” I said, biting my teeth together until my jaw clenched.
As if he understood that this white lie was necessary, he wrapped around me, playing the big spoon, making me feel secure enough to give it a rest for tonight. Before I knew it, I fell asleep. His warmth was the only thing I needed.
The next morning, we woke up only when my emergency alarm went off at 6:10 a.m. We hurried to get ready, had breakfast together (well, I ate some cereal; he only had some instant coffee like always), brushed our teeth next to each other, drove to work in his car together, and still didn’t talk about it.
We didn’t get paired up that day, and I have to admit that I let out an almost relieved breath.
After work, when we got into his car, we only chatted about our day, but Benji kept eyeing me with his brow popped up, making it clear that he knew something was going on.
We ended up on my balcony overlooking the town, eating a salad he made with vegetables from his garden, while he watched me poke my fork into my bowl, unable to eat.
“Sam, did something happen yesterday?” he asked.
“I’m not good at hiding it, huh?” I said, involuntarily smiling because the fact that he noticed meant so much.
“It’s okay if you can’t or don’t want to talk about it, but...” he pointed to his face, “...I have ears if you need some.”
If I knew how to tell him, I would. The news I had was the worst possible thing I could’ve shared. How the fuck do other people handle situations like this?
“My parents were here yesterday,” I said, as a decoy.
“And... you told them about me?”
“I didn’t really need to. They kind of had it already figured out.” I put my bowl onto the ground, crossing my arms in front of my chest.
“Let me guess, they weren’t happy?”
I shook my head.
“I’m sorry,” he said, putting his plate down, too.
In a way, I wished he’d said, I told you so.
He’d warned me people would judge me for being with him, and he was so damn on point.
Instead, he got up, walked over, and pulled me into him so firmly my chair scraped sideward.
His arms locked around me like he could shield me from the world. “Is there anything I can do?”
“I don’t think so.” I buried my face in his chest. “At least not right now.”
“They’ll come around sooner or later, I’m sure of it.” He held me for a minute, swallowing twice. “If I ever get the chance, I’ll show them my best side. Although my best side is probably you, and they already know you.”
I let out a chuckle that too quickly turned into a whimper.
“Is it too soon to make jokes?”
“It’s the perfect timing,” I said with a quivering chest. “I’ll manage to change their mind somehow. And if I don’t, they’ll be the ones who regret it, not me. Because I don’t see any day in my future without you.”
I glanced at him, taking in his concerned eyes, his beautiful, soft nose, and that supportive boyfriend-smile that I could’ve framed and hung on the wall for when he wasn’t around.
“Thinking that far ahead already, huh?”
“Not that far, but, you know, I can see spending more time with you. I hope that’s not a problem.”
“I mean, half my stuff is already in your apartment. I can see the other half moving here someday, too. Not tomorrow or anything. No pressure. But someday? I don’t see anything speaking against that.”
Of course, he didn’t. He hadn’t seen the letter yet. And, as much as I hated it, now was probably the time to tell him.
“There is something else,” I said, breaking free of his embrace. “But I... let me,” I pushed myself up, and Benji pressed his back against the wall so I could move.
I rushed inside and retrieved the letter from the bookshelf where I had hidden it yesterday before he came. Benji stared at the paper in my hands, and then at me.
“What is it?”
I handed him the letter. Cautiously, he took it, his brows knitting fully together as he read, until his eyes went wide.
“You... you got in?” His mouth broke into a grin.
“That’s amazing. Congrats.” He threw his arms around me, squeezing tight, but my body stayed stiff.
It only took him a second to notice. His smile faltered.
He pulled back, still gripping my shoulders, searching my face for an answer. “Why aren't you celebrating?”
“Don’t you know what that means?” I asked. “I will have to move away.”
The light in his eyes dimmed as every muscle in his face slackened. The grip on my shoulders loosened, then slipped away entirely. He took a step back, his hand finding the balcony railing like he needed something solid to hold him up.
“I’m really thinking about turning it down.”
“You can’t turn this down,” Benji said, shaking his head. “You have to go. It was so hard for you to get in.”
“But what about you?”
“Who cares? You’ve wanted this forever. You wanted me for not even four weeks.”
“Those four weeks have changed a lot, though. I can’t even imagine not spending every day with you.”
He looked at the letter that he still held, scanning it.
“Where is this? Silver Basin? That’s what.
.. three hundred miles? I can do that in four hours.
That’s not that far. I’ll visit you. Every weekend.
If I start right after my shift on Fridays, I’ll be there for a late dinner.
If I leave early on Monday, then we’ll only miss seeing each other on Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays.
That’s three against four days. It’s not every day of the week, but it’s the majority of the time. The math is mathing.”
I smiled, not because this made me happy, but because he was so cute, trying to solve this.
“Sam, honestly.” He glanced at me. “I know that I’m the stupid one of the two of us. But even I know that you can’t pass up an opportunity like this. Not for me.”
“I know,” I said, raising my voice only for it to collapse into a whisper. “I freaking know.”
“Come here.” Benji was on his feet in a heartbeat, pulling me against him. His right hand cupped the back of my head, his left locked around my hip, careful not to crumple the letter he still held onto.
“Do you... see a situation where you could come with me?” I asked because I had to. I knew the answer already, but the thought of not at least trying was even more frightening.
He held me as tight as ever, but his body went rigid. “Not unless my mom gets better.”
“That’s okay,” I sniffled, which made Benji tighten his grip. “It really is. I expected that answer.”
“I’m sorry.” His breath stirred my hair. “I wish I could... but I promise, we’ll work something out.”
We held each other for five minutes, then forced ourselves to finish dinner.
We spoke about trivialities—a new game announced for Benji’s GameTube, and how he’d like to play it with me on day one—but as soon as our plates were empty, we locked ourselves inside and hid in my bed, pressing our bodies together like there was never going to be another chance.
We didn’t turn on the TV or music. We just listened to each other breathe while he caressed my hair, and my fingers traced his chest like they had rollerblades and his skin was a skate park.
Every second like this felt both priceless and cruel. Each heartbeat pulled us closer together—and carried us toward an ending neither of us knew if we could survive.
“Do you want to go on a date?” Benji asked out of nowhere.“The Cienega County Fair started yesterday. It’s a bit of a drive toward Larkfield, but I went two years ago and it was totally worth it.”
“A date?” My fingers stopped moving.
“Yeah,” Benji replied. “We’ve been seeing each other so often, but we haven’t been on a proper date yet. Don’t you think we should use our time now wisely?”
I hadn’t even thought about the possibility of doing something like that. We’d already spent so much casual time together, doing all the things, maybe even more, that people do when they’re dating—but we’d never gone somewhere and called it a date.
My mouth turned into the biggest smile. It seemed ridiculous to be so happy about his question, given everything we’d already done. But this was the first time I'd actually been asked out on a date.
“You and your grin,” he said, raising his right eyebrow. “Is that your way of saying you’re in?”
I nodded. I’ve been to Larkfield before, though never to the fair. It was the first city where I saw two men holding hands as they walked through town, and no one seemed to care. So it felt like the obvious choice for a real date.
“So, Saturday?” Benji asked. “I need to run some errands in the morning, but I could pick you up at two or three?”
“Deal,” I said, my grin stretching until my cheeks ached. He shook his head like it actually bothered him. But I couldn’t help it. Finally, the shadow of leaving, of everything coming to an end, faded into the background. All I could see now was him and the promise of Saturday.