Chapter 11
Sienna refilled Justine’s wine glass and presented her with a bowl of chocolate mousse. Then she sat down and waited for Justine to begin the conversation they’d been dancing around all night.
The entrée she’d prepared had gone down well, which pleased Sienna—cooking a meal for someone she liked was one of her greatest joys in life. And she liked Justine, that much had also become obvious over the course of the evening. She liked her no-nonsense attitude and her big heart, but also the delicate structure of her cheekbones, which gave her face a gorgeous, timeless quality that made you want to stare at it forever. Not to mention the captivating light-blue of her eyes.
“I enjoyed our night together.” A sparkle lit up Justine’s eyes. “Even more so because it made Rochelle and Rita act all out of whack.”
“So I gathered.” Sienna was still trying to work out the intricacies of Justine’s relationship with her ex.
“But this is not about Rochelle, even though, let’s be honest, it is very much a mindfuck that you’re playing her.”
“Do I remind you of her?” Sienna asked.
“In some ways, yes. But that might just be the power of suggestion. The human brain is so susceptible to that. Maybe if I’d met you in circumstances that weren’t you being cast to play my ex, you might not remind me of her at all, but I’ll never know. Either way, you remind me of the best parts of Rochelle. Her gregariousness. Her warm smile. Her easy way, you know? I fell for her pretty hard back in the day. She was so kind and lovely—she still is, now.” Justine paused. "But you are very much your own person, of course. And I know more than most that real beauty comes from within. That said, I find you very attractive. I'm not deluding myself about that. We didn't sleep together simply because I was drawn to the goodness of your heart. Although life has made me a pretty good judge of character and I sincerely believe you’re one of the good ones." Justine’s tone was slightly self-deprecating, as if she found her own words amusing but silly.
Sienna was melting under Justine’s bright gaze. There was a lot to unpack in what Justine had just said, but the gist of it was, unmistakably, that Justine liked her as well. What Sienna was keen to find out, however, was where things were headed from here.
“I’d thank you,” Sienna said, “but the particular shape of my face you’re drawn to is merely due to genetics so I can’t take credit for that.”
“See, this is exactly why I’m attracted to you. You’re incredibly down-to-earth for a nepo-baby movie star.”
“How did you think I was going to be?”
“For starters, I would not have expected you to make that delicious meal.” Justine briefly sank her front teeth into her bottom lip. “And, well, I also never would have expected you to respond to my inane flirting the other night at Min-ji’s.” She scrunched up her lips. “I guess I’m with Rochelle on that. It is quite perplexing if you look at it objectively.”
“I don’t think that it is. At all,” Sienna said. “You’re Justine Blackburn. You’re a fucking legend and I rate you so much higher than the polished, media-trained movie stars this town has produced, even the ones that are gingerly starting to come out of the closet now. You make an actual difference in people’s lives and you’ve been doing it for decades, since long before it was fashionable to be queer-friendly. I have so much respect for that.”
“Thank you.” Was that a hint of pink on Justine’s cheeks? “That’s very nice of you to say.” She took a quick sip of wine. “But I did tell you the other night that I’m no saint. I can be a real selfish asshole, but it’s easy enough to forgive myself because I know why I’m being selfish. It’s harder for other people to understand. People I care about and who care about me.”
“Rochelle did say something about that.”
“I’m glad she told you those things. It saves me from having to tell you.” There was straightforward Justine again.
“I’m acutely aware that I know much more about you than vice versa, but… can you give me an example? Could you, like, tell me about your last relationship-slash-fling?” Sienna turned on her best smile. “I know I’m too curious for my own good, but, please…” She turned up her smile to full-wattage.
“Oh, god.” Justine glanced at Sienna from under her lashes. “I haven’t been in anything serious for so long. I sound like a broken record, even to myself, but I simply don’t have the time. I’ve always felt short on time, but at least I used to have more energy, you know? But now, I feel like I’m constantly out of time and energy and I just, um, I guess I don’t put in the effort. That’s what I’ve been told, anyway.”
“What was her name?” Sienna pushed, because she was dying to find out a few salient details.
“Marcy,” Justine said. “She was quite something, but I fucked it up. As usual.”
“Where did you meet her?”
“At a Christmas party at the LGBT Center. I was letting my hair down after another long year and there she was. She caught my eye and I turned on my flirt. We hooked up, went on a few dates and then, yeah, it petered out. I let it because… Well, if my life has proven anything it’s that I can’t do both. I can’t run the shelter and be the kind of attentive girlfriend most women want. Even with Marcy, whose expectations were actually pretty low. But still, she wanted more than I was able to give, and I don’t hold that against her for a single second.” A shadow crossed Justine’s face. “Turns out you can’t have it all.”
Sienna would give a lot to meet this Marcy-with-the-low-expectations, to give her the third degree about what it was like to be with Justine, even if it was only for a short while.
“Are you saying that you want a relationship but your work doesn’t allow you to have one?”
Justine shook her head. “My job is so much more than work. It’s not just what I do, it’s who I am. And it really is who I want to be. I’m willing to sacrifice other things for that, other things that most people would never compromise on, like a long-term relationship.”
“Yet you are a relentless flirt,” Sienna said.
“That I am,” Justine admitted. “Always have been.” Her face went from soft to stern in a split second. “But never with anyone from the shelter, though. That’s a hard no.”
Sienna nodded her understanding. “When was the last time you hooked up with someone?” she asked.
“A couple of nights ago with this really hot chick who’s playing my ex in a movie about my life.” Justine snickered.
Sienna responded with a chuckle of her own. “Before that particular hot chick, I mean.”
Justine didn’t immediately reply but, instead, gazed into Sienna’s eyes.
“A few months ago, I think. I don’t remember the timing exactly, but I remember the woman.” The grin that appeared on Justine’s face ignited a pang of jealousy in Sienna.
“What happened afterward? You just went your separate ways?”
Justine nodded. “She wasn’t interested in anything more.”
“And you?”
“I’m not one to push. Yes, I flirt, but then I’m very happy to leave the initiative with the other party. I don’t want to give anyone the wrong idea of who I am and what I’m after.”
“What about, um, this… What about tonight?”
“I don’t know.” Justine stared into her bowl of chocolate mousse. Neither one of them had touched dessert. “I don’t know what to make of you, but I’m glad we’re having this conversation. I like talking to you.” She arched up her eyebrows. “But it’s high time to turn the tables again. Tell me what it is you want? You’re how old? Mid-thirties? You must be asking yourself some big questions about wanting a family and all that?”
“I don’t want kids,” Sienna said. “I don’t have the mother gene, if that’s a thing. I figure that if I wanted a child, I would have taken steps to make that happen by now, but I don’t have that need inside me. Not like my sister has, for instance. She has two kids and, fuck, being a mom is hard, right? It’s easy enough to see when I look at Taissa, but she always had that unyielding desire to be someone’s mother. And I don’t.” Sienna’d had enough conversations with her sister about this to understand the fundamental difference between her and her sibling.
“Your honesty is refreshing. I love it,” Justine said. “That kind of clarity is so rare, believe me. I have a shelter full of kids whose parents should have thought twice before having them, because they couldn’t give them the one thing they needed the most, the one single thing they should have in abundance—love.”
Conversation with Justine always, naturally, seemed to flow back to what was at the center of her life: the Rainbow Shelter.
“Good for you that you’re so clear about that and are able to be completely honest about it. It’s still not a given for a woman, even now. I truly applaud you for it.” And then she could come out with the kind of heartfelt compliment that made Sienna’s stomach flutter. “What about relationships? What’s your view on those?”
“My view?” Sienna toyed with her spoon. “I’m not sure I have one, I just… seem to have a tendency to be attracted to women who are not always very good for me.” Sienna couldn’t help but wonder if Justine thought about herself that way right about now.
“The emotionally unavailable type, you mean?”
“I wouldn’t put it that way, but maybe. I have been in two long-term relationships, but they didn’t work out.” Sienna resolutely picked up her spoon. “But I don’t really want to get into that right now.”
All Sienna wanted to find out was whether Justine wanted to take things further—and whether that was a good idea. From what Justine had confessed about herself, probably not. But her words stood in stark contrast to the warm vibe of the evening and the easy but profound conversation between them. “How about some chocolate mousse instead?” she asked.