Chapter 30
“It’s okay,” Mimi said. “We’ll do another take after you’ve had a longer break.”
Sienna closed her eyes. She was so tired, she could fall asleep right there, dressed as Rochelle in her mid-thirties, on the Gimme Shelter set. That’s what if felt like in that moment, but the truth was that Sienna couldn’t sleep to save her life. Not here, not anywhere, and certainly not in bed at night.
The last time’s she’d gotten more than a few hours of uninterrupted sleep was the last night Justine had stayed with her, when she’d slept in her arms.
Sienna glanced over at Rochelle for some moral support. She was fucking up the scene and she knew it. Everyone was very understanding about it because it was Sienna’s first day back on set, but if her father had taught her anything, it was to always turn up as a pro. Ironically, it was his fault that Sienna was failing spectacularly at being a professional today.
“Come here.” Rochelle beckoned her over.
Sienna walked over and Rochelle put her arm around Sienna’s shoulders.
“It’s going to be okay. You just need some more time. This is completely normal,” Rochelle said, but she wasn’t in charge of the shooting schedule, which had already been stretched to its limits in order to give Sienna some much needed time off.
They walked to Sienna’s trailer. “If only I could get some fucking proper sleep.” It wasn’t just a lack of sleep that made Sienna a horrible actor today. It was being back here, working on this movie about Justine’s life, and having to act opposite Alexis-as-Justine that was messing with her head as well as her ability.
“Can I ask you something?” Sienna looked at Rochelle. The more time they spent together, the more she’d grown to appreciate her.
“Of course.” Rochelle smiled at Sienna. “Anything.”
“Do you think I’m being too hard on Justine?”
Rochelle shook her head. “That’s not a question I can answer. I know what she’s like, but she’s my best friend.”
“I should have listened to you when you warned me about her.”
Rochelle shook her head again. “Since when have mere words ever stopped anyone from falling in love? Words don’t have that kind of power.”
“I was in love with her.” Still am . “I still think Justine is an amazing human being. I love her passion, but… I can’t forgive her. What she did is just not something I can live with. I can’t separate it from my dad’s death. It’s all so intertwined in here.” She brought her fingers to her temples.
“You need to take your time to grieve and to heal, Sienna. These things always take a lot more time than you think. It’s only logical you can’t separate the two.”
“Ashleigh’s doing better?” Sienna asked.
“Yeah.” Rochelle just nodded. It was unethical for her to share more information about the poor kid’s health. “You don’t have to worry about Ashleigh. It’s not your battle.”
Not anymore, Sienna thought.
“Listen to me.” Rochelle narrowed her eyes. “It’s okay to put yourself first. It’s not something Justine has ever learned to do. The shelter is her life because it’s how she has dealt with her own trauma. Just as you said things are intertwined in your head, Justine’s life and trauma are inextricably linked with the shelter. The two can no longer be separated and it’s become second nature for her to put the shelter, and kids like Ashleigh, first. And I really mean first—before anyone else. In Justine’s head, rushing to Ashleigh’s bedside, no matter what else is going on, will always be the only right thing to do.” Rochelle paused to take a breath. “As someone who loves her, it can be very frustrating, but I’ve learned to live with it. I’ve accepted that about her, because well, firstly, it’s hard to hold it against her and, secondly, she’s so much more than her flaws. I couldn’t be her partner. I tried but it was impossible for me, but it’s an honor to call her my best friend. So I get it. I completely get it, Sienna. You want her, but she’s near impossible to be with because she’ll never be able to put you first, which is where you belong in a romantic relationship.”
Rochelle really could hit the nail right on the head. “She’s damn lucky to have you as her best friend as well,” Sienna said. “I hope you know that.” Maybe out of the two of them, Rochelle was the real saint—for always being there for Justine and letting her be who she was. Although Sienna knew that Rochelle gave her best friend plenty of flak for her obsessive behavior sometimes.
“Maybe we’re just lucky to have each other.” Rochelle’s face conveyed only pure tenderness.
Sienna expelled a deep sigh. Her eyes were prickly from lack of sleep.
“I’m so sorry I don’t seem to have it in me today to do a good enough job of playing you. I want to do you justice, Rochelle.” Sienna rolled her head back onto her shoulders.
“It’ll come back to you.” Rochelle really was sweetness personified.
“During a shoot, time literally is money. There’s no time for me to be this mediocre,” Sienna said.
“There’s always time. Take it and don’t feel bad about it. They may not act like it, but producers are people too. They know shit happens. Cruel, unexpected shit. It’s what they make movies about, after all. So, it’s okay. You’re dealing with a lot.”
“If only I could sleep. I’m so tired.”
“I wish I could help you with that, but you’re a smart woman. I’m sure you’ve tried everything I could suggest.”
“At night, in my bed, when everything is quiet and dark outside, I just feel so intensely alone,” Sienna admitted. “I get so scared that something will happen to my mom as well. Or to Taissa or Eddy and I just… I end up not being able to breathe and I have to get up to calm myself down.”
“Are you talking to someone about this? A professional?” Rochelle asked. “I can recommend someone. You don’t have to go through this alone.”
“A therapist?” Sienna blew out some air. She’d had plenty of therapy in her early twenties, mostly to deal with her daddy issues.
Rochelle nodded. “A couple of sessions can work wonders in a situation like this.”
“Yeah. I have someone. I’ll think about it.”
A knock came on the door of Sienna’s trailer.
“Hey.” Mimi appeared in the doorframe. “How are you, Sienna? I hope you know that we all understand if you need more time.”
Sienna shook her head. She didn’t need more time, nor did she need to talk to someone. She just needed to get some shut-eye. And then she needed to get on with things.
“Let’s try again.” Sienna shot up, mustering as much energy as she could. She’d have to try and channel some of Bobby Bright’s legendary professionalism.
The first couple of nights after her dad had died, Sienna had slept in Justine’s comforting arms. After Justine hadn’t shown at the funeral, Sienna had to sleep alone. She’d turned to sleeping pills, but she didn’t want to go down that route for too long. Besides, the pills made her even groggier in the morning than if she hadn’t caught any winks at all.
She tried meditation, hot baths, cold showers, chamomile tea, wine, and too many shots of whiskey, but nothing could sufficiently quiet the panic lurking in her brain.
She lay tossing and turning, staring at the ceiling in her bedroom at her mother’s house. Maybe she should move back into her own apartment. She couldn’t stay here forever, and it wasn’t as though it helped her sleep.
Sienna reached for her phone and considered emailing her former therapist to arrange an appointment, as Rochelle had suggested. It was worth a try. Sienna was ready to try anything she hadn’t already tried, because nothing was more maddening, more demoralizing, and more destabilizing to her acting skills than not being able to sleep.
She was half-delirious with fatigue as she toyed with her phone. It was one thirty-four in the morning. She had to be on set early the next day. She had a lot of scenes to catch up on.
Her thumb must have made a false maneuver because Justine’s old messages appeared on her phone screen. Justine wasn’t much of a texter—she didn’t have time for that particular type of finger fiddling. Justine Blackburn was the kind of person who preferred the efficiency of a good old-fashioned phone call, even to someone she was in the early stages of dating.
Fucking Justine. And this fucking movie. Both Sienna and Justine now had plenty of reasons to have a love-hate relationship with Gimme Shelter .
Sienna scrolled through the few text messages she had received from Justine—before she’d blocked her number. What would happen if she unblocked it? Would she get the messages that Justine had tried to send her? There was only one way to find out.
Sienna unblocked Justine’s number but nothing happened. Her phone didn’t blow up with unread messages. Of course, it didn’t.
Sienna stared at her phone as memories of Justine scrolled through her mind, as if conjured by seeing her name. Of Justine’s arms around her. Of the incomparable soothing effect her warm body had on Sienna’s rattled nervous system. Something flared inside her. It could be exactly what she needed to regain the ability to simply doze off. To get some sleep. To restore some peace to her exhausted mind and wrecked body.
She dropped her phone on the bed. Sienna knew she wasn’t thinking straight. Her brain was operating on the bare minimum of sleep, on endless tossing and turning and mulling everything over in her head. But didn’t Justine owe her one decent night of sleep? At the very least, Sienna thought. Didn’t she owe Sienna the consoling warmth of her body? Just for one night?
Oh yes, she fucking did .
Sienna arranged a car to pick her up in ten minutes. Because she was going to get what she was owed. What she had been denied by Justine being, so infuriatingly, Justine.