Chapter 59
I CAN’T DO THIS
“What are we supposed to be doing?” I ask Colt as he swipes his badge, leading us down yet another long hallway pumped with stuffy, floral-perfumed air. We’re deep in the polishing wing now. The wing I’m supposedly a resident of—although I’ve only seen three rooms and the garden.
“Is Vincent meeting us?”
“He’s not on the schedule.” Colt shrugs, leaning back against the wall.
“So we’re just going to stand here?”
“Unless you have a better plan.”
I shrug, smoothing my hem a few times to keep my hands busy.
Distant music builds through a speaker beneath our feet. His gaze snaps over me, caramel eyes sharpening. I whirl around, following his stare through the glass wall.
Below us is what looks to be some sort of drills class.
Rows of girls move like a single machine, dresses pale as fresh snow, eyes fixed on some distant point. They’re beautiful. Ethereal.
Haunting.
One tilts her chin just so, and the others copy in perfect unison. A mentor lifts his wrist and twelve spines snap straight.
My stomach drops. I think of Sorrel, the pretty graduate Maverick made a spectacle of on advancement day.
The way she recognized me.
Colt steps forward, palm flattening against the glass before he snatches it back as if it burned him. He opens his mouth to respond, then wrenches it shut. His jaw tightens. His eyes find mine again, and he’s reaching, arms out like he’s bracing for my knees to give.
He’s right to. My vision tunnels, breath catching as I stumble into the concrete wall.
Colt’s arms wrap under mine in an instant, steadying me.
He lifts me back to my feet, letting his hand hover at my elbow once I’m successfully holding myself again.
The warmth of him anchors me in a way I didn’t ask for and can’t push away.
I haven’t even fully righted my balance before sound spills down the hall.
A feminine voice, smooth as silk laced with poison. “Aren’t they lovely? This may be our best batch yet.”
Doctor Kade glides past us, heels clicking loudly, tablet tucked tight to her chest. She doesn’t slow at the landing, offering nothing more than a quick glance at the sea of girls below.
Her eyes flick to mine for a brief second.
“You’d photograph beautifully among them, darling.
” She turns a sharp corner before I can breathe, leaving the thought to rot inside me.
My chest constricts. Everything clicks with a soul-crushingly brutal clarity.
This is what they wanted all along. Colt had said that flares are supposedly caused by overwhelming emotions, but these girls move through sequences like dolls.
That’s the real trick; they bury the truth under pretty dances and perfect posture, and no one notices they’re teaching us to hollow ourselves to dust.
“I shouldn’t be here,” I rasp. I don’t just mean on this landing. I shouldn’t be in the polishing wing at all. If I were supposed to be here, I’d already be one of them. A pretty product ready for delivery.
The thought slices through me. Someone’s keeping me out of there. It’s the only thing that makes even some semblance of sense.
What I don’t get…is why?
“That’s what Carr wants from me,” I whisper, just to hear it leave my mouth.
Colt’s head snaps toward me, eyes darkening. “No. Maysie, no. Don’t say that.”
“Isn’t it true?”
He shakes his head. “If Carr wanted that out of you, we wouldn’t be having this conversation.”
The words lodge themselves squarely in my sternum. He’s right. Carr’s getting exactly what he wants. The game moves forward, even if we can’t see the board.
Colt steadies me again when I sway. His voice softens, gentler than it should be when we’re out in the open like this. “You’re safe.”
I want to believe him, but safety shouldn’t weigh this heavily. My existence hangs like a burden around me, one I can’t shrink away from.
When we step back, the line of girls glides on, gowns brushing the floor, smiles fixed. No one looks up. Not at each other, and certainly not at us.
I can’t decide if that’s better or worse. Do they know what’s happening to them?
Will I know if it happens to me?
Something delicate inside me fractures in a way I won’t be able to tape back together. And suddenly it feels like nothing will be okay ever again.
The organization never wanted to fix me. They wanted to rewrite me. They did rewrite me. But they couldn’t finish the job.
Now, I just need to figure out why. Before graduation. Before they have the chance to drag me under again and take the little clarity I’ve fought so hard to reclaim.
This can’t be my future. I won’t let it.