FOUR
“I THOUGHT ABOUT you today.”
He answered.
Agent 1908 answered when she called. While dialing she told herself it was just to leave a message. Other people needed help. The agent must have a family and commitments of his own.
“Good thoughts?” he asked.
“No, of how I embarrassed myself last night. I want to apologize. I have to apologize. Truly. I can’t believe that I—I don’t remember saying goodnight. I think I just fell asleep.”
“That’s okay.”
“No, it’s not. I am not a child. You have other responsibilities. It’s no excuse, but I haven’t slept well this week. This month actually. It’s harder to get up, to be motivated—”
“You have nothing to apologize for. I’m here for whatever you need.”
Exhaling, her breath quivered. “I’m such a mess. I made an idiot of myself at the bake-off and upset my boss. Sometimes it’s like I’m not even in my own head.”
“After going through a trauma, some people report disassociation. Is it like that?”
“It’s not a conscious separation. What happened, it was… I was alone. And after, people were shocked, they were kind, but then…”
“It all got quiet,” he said. “Like it never happened at all.”
“People don’t know, do they?”
“Often unless they’ve been through a trauma of their own, they can’t identify. There are also those who bury their own trauma.”
“And hearing of another’s can ignite their own neuroses. I get that.”
“Was that what you wanted? To talk about it?”
“I wasn’t raped or beaten to within an inch of my life.” She took a calming breath. “Do you ever get lonely?”
“Doesn’t everyone?”
“Not like a one off, like… it’s not sadness, it’s… a disconnect. All my life, I’ve never belonged anywhere. And when things happen, like this, it puts more distance between me and the rest of the world. Sometimes it’s like I’m drifting in zero gravity, unable to get hold of anything to steady myself or gain control.”
“If you want to work with a professional in person, we can refer you. Lighting Darkness also has funds that can be released—”
“Thank you, no,” she said. “I shouldn’t have called again, others deserve your attention. I only wanted to apologize for last night and—”
“Anna,” he said. “I want to talk to you.” He did? “I want you to call.” Maybe that was his training again. “You have a bad habit of putting others ahead of yourself. Recognize your value.”
“I value myself, I’m all I have. I just… These things land on a spectrum. I haven’t seen war or murder, I was held hostage, that’s it.”
“Held hostage? You say that like it’s nothing.”
“It was at work. I was alone, doing overnight inventory. I don’t know how he got in or where he came from. The cops talked about it after, I didn’t take any of it in. Already it’s like it didn’t happen.”
“You’re disassociating.”
“What I went through, that night, it brought a lot back. From childhood when we’d have nowhere, sometimes we were in shelters, barely able to feed ourselves. At school, we didn’t have time to forge relationships because we’d only up and move again when my mom got dumped by boyfriend number three hundred and fifty-eight. Only as an adult can I appreciate that other people’s lives are not so transient. Standing in that room, with him, following his instructions like I would my mother’s, it hit me…”
“What hit you?”
“No one would notice. If it hadn’t happened in a place with cameras, somewhere people worked and so had to enter, no one would’ve noticed me missing at all. No one would notice if I died or disappeared.” When no words followed, she dropped onto her back on the couch. “See, I told you, I should’ve called Whiner’s Anonymous.”
“I don’t think you’re whining, I think it’s incredibly sad.”
“Pathetic, yes, I know.”
“No, not that kind of sad. I mean it’s such a waste. You have an energy, in your voice, I can hear it. Don’t sell yourself short. Today, you accomplished something with the bake-off.”
“Yeah, accomplished embarrassing myself and my team in front of the family who own our workplace. Something happens, something just clicks, and I’m a walking disaster. There was this guy that I… God, I made a complete idiot of myself. At one point, I really thought I might kiss him. Just completely randomly I wanted to… What kind of a person does that? Fantasizes about being bent over and fucked by a stranger.” Silence. “Sorry, too far.”
Okay the thought at the time was kissing. Daydreaming later fleshed out all those carnal details.
“He had an effect on you.”
“He was hot. I told him it was because he was hot. It’s abandon, you know? So much that could be and so much that never will.”
“Never say never.”
“I doubt I’ll ever see him again. If he has any sense, he’ll stay far, far away. Men like that are propositioned every day, I’d never be secure. I learned my lesson on that. With Jeremy, I was oblivious, and his family aren’t worth a fraction of what this guy’s is. Some say with money comes security. Yes, that’s true. But arrogance and entitlement come with it too.”
“You can’t tar everyone with the same brush. People are individuals.”
“I know. You’re right. That wasn’t fair. It doesn’t matter, I guess. I could never satisfy a man like that. If I wasn’t enough for Jeremy, there’s no reason to think any man would be happy with me.”
“What about your happiness? What would that look like?”
“I love my job… it’s naughty and nice. The detail, the fabric, talking to people. You’d be amazed what people tell their lingerie retailers. And Breckenridge Intimates isn’t like a seedy sex shop. It’s high-class. We do weddings, anniversaries, events in people’s lives, their most intimate moments. And we do parties and—” she exhaled a laugh. “Sorry, you’ll think I’m trying to upsell you.”
“I have no problem talking about lingerie.”
She laughed. “Your wife might object to that.”
“What I do is important,” he said, “Lighting Darkness leads us down various roads.”
“Do you talk to her about it? Your discussions? She must ease your burden.”
“I’m not married,” he said. “Do you have someone to ease your burden?”
“You. That’s as close as I get.”
“Then it’s important to maintain this link.” Could she do that? “I want you to call. Anytime you need to talk to someone, call me.”
“You don’t owe me anything. It’s not your job to—”
“What I do with Lighting Darkness is important to me. I choose who to work with carefully. I want to make a difference and I’m not always great at maintaining a professional distance.”
“But if you’re a trauma—”
“My clients have various entry avenues; I answer more than one line. You were taken hostage, that’s what you said. That is a trauma and I hope one day you’ll want to tell me more about that experience.”
“There’s something safe about you. Maybe it’s the detachment from real life. It feels safe to talk to you.”
“You are safe.”
“I thought I was safe at work.”
“And you weren’t,” he said. “What follow up was done? What did they charge him with? Did you go to court and—”
“Oh no, they didn’t catch him,” she said, astonished he would suggest otherwise. “He’s still out there… somewhere.” More silence. For a guy who volunteered his time to talk, he could say surprisingly little. “Probably far, far away.”
“They didn’t catch him.”
That was a statement, not a question.
“Happens all the time. Crime is rife. So I’ve heard anyway, it’s not like I go sleuthing around the city at night. Though with the insomnia, I probably could. My boss told me to skip sleep tonight, so at least I have an excuse.”
“Why did she tell you that?”
“It’s a long story. The short version is she doesn’t want me to make an idiot of myself tomorrow the way I did today. If I’m sleep deprived, less chance I’ll trip over my own tongue if I do see this guy again.”
“Does he know you’re following him?”
A joke. Just what she needed.
She exhaled a laugh. “It’s boss driven, believe me. I tried to get out of it.”
“Why? Do you resent the people you work for?”
“Why would I resent them?”
“Your trauma happened at work. Do you blame them for what happened?”
“It wasn’t anyone’s fault. I was in the wrong place at the wrong time.”
“And the perp?”
“Sick, I think. Tough to tell without a professional diagnosis.” She smiled. “I should’ve slipped him your number.”
His humor faded to intrigue. “You shy away from it, avoid, don’t confront.”
“Confrontation rarely leads to anything good.”
“Sometimes you have to get emotion out.”
“I find it’s better to bury it and just keep on smiling.”
Maybe he was right. Confronting her experience might give her a better perspective, when she was ready. She wasn’t ready yet. Not that she’d necessarily recognize readiness if it jumped up and bit her on the ass. Joy.