TEN
“FATE IS LAUGHING at me.”
It didn’t help that was the first thing Jacob did on that Sunday too. “You think so?”
“Even you’re laughing!”
“Sorry,” he said, flattening the amusement in his tone. “Tell me what happened.”
“No, I don’t want to now,” she said, tucking the cordless phone between her ear and the pillow. She’d chosen the bedroom for tonight’s call. “You’ll have to live in wonder.”
“I want to know.”
“You tell fate to call me, ask that question herself.”
“Fate is female?”
“Well, she’s not male, that’s for sure. You know any guy who can pay such close attention to other people’s lives and remain catty at all times? Female. Not a nice one. She doesn’t speak for us all, but, yeah, definitely female.”
“Okay. And she’s laughing at you?”
Because believing that was the easy way out. “I’m blaming her, but it’s all me. The signs are there, the red flags, and I’m ignoring them.”
“Red flags about what?”
The concern in his voice was so genuine, she forgave his earlier slight.
“Do you believe we’re all destined to find one person?” she asked.
“I hope not.”
Curious. “No?”
“What if fate deals you or your other a bad hand? How do you know that vehicle accident you passed doesn’t hold your other half’s corpse? Kids die young, accidents and illness can befall us at any time. You could be out there looking for a guy who died of scarlet fever when he was eight?”
“Do people still die of scarlet fever?”
“I have no idea. The point’s the same.”
Whatever his point, he’d skewed her perspective enough that optimism could trickle in. “Actually, that explains a lot.”
“A lot?”
“Think about how many people are out there in the universe, searching for the perfect partner and they never find them? It’s not their fault, just fate’s sick sense of humor.”
Yeah, okay, so maybe death leading to optimism was a little cynical. Hey, sometimes you’ve gotta get it where you get it.
“You like to assign blame,” Jacob said, “have you noticed that?”
Suspicion narrowed her focus. “Are you shrinking me? Are you some kind of head doctor?”
“Not even close. Another observation? Love is important to you too.”
“I don’t know about that.”
“Love, sex, they come up a lot in our conversations.”
“That’s not my fa—” okay, maybe she’d give him one. “It’s because of guys; the sudden influx of them in my life. Because of Jeremy calling, then you with your voice, and the edible Breckenridge.”
Another laugh. “Is that what he is?”
She adjusted the pillow to bring his words closer. “I don’t want to talk about him.”
“Okay, that leaves Jeremy, my voice, and your hostage experience.”
Her eyes sprang open, but only darkness greeted them. Why hadn’t she turned on a light?
“When did that come up?”
“You still haven’t talked about it,” he said. “You talked about Jimmy last time and—”
“That was to make a point.”
“Which was?”
Intimacy. That’s why she hadn’t turned on a light. Talking in the dark emphasized the effect of his voice. And, for some reason, she wanted to lose herself in the seclusion of them alone, absorbed in each other and nothing else.
“I didn’t see what happened with Jimmy as a trauma,” she said. “Maybe it was, but it didn’t stall me like the other thing has.”
“Yet you don’t call that a trauma either. What is a trauma to you? How do you define it?”
“A trauma’s a… it’s a… something that damages you.”
“And you haven’t been damaged? Don’t you think about them out there?”
“Them?”
“Your ex and the guy who took you hostage?”
“My ex? Jeremy injects himself into my life way more than I’d like, but he always knows where to find me. Somehow.”
“I meant Jimmy.”
“Oh…” When was the last time, before story time, she’d thought about him? “Not really.”
“He could be out there in the world preying on innocent women. Men like that escalate.”
He’d blown it way out of proportion. Had she completely misread this guy? He couldn’t be totally na?ve surely.
“You’re private about your age, okay, but don’t tell me you’re still a teenager.”
“No.” Another laugh; its warmth and ease coated her like a blanket. “Not a minor.”
“And were you a saint in your teen years? When you were young and horny?”
“I never forced a woman to get me off.”
Jimmy would probably say the same. People processed the same event in different ways, lit by the angle of their specific lens. Another’s lens may be calibrated to an opposing perspective.
“Sometimes guys just take it too far.”
“Sometimes a woman has to speak up,” he said with an unexpected stern air. “You should talk to your employer about security and your building manager too.”
“Neither of those people are present when I’m getting intimate. And I like to think I’m more assertive now than I was at fifteen.”
“Not if you’re letting your partner get themselves off in you without demanding a return.”
“You can’t force someone to care about your needs. They do or they don’t.”
“If they don’t, they shouldn’t get a chance with you.”
“Now I know why you’re not married.”
“Why’s that?”
Wow, not so judgment free tonight.
“Impossible standards. Are you saying if you were with an incredible woman who checked all but one of the boxes, you’d dump her if you couldn’t get off in her?”
“You’d spend your life with a man who didn’t care about your pleasure?”
“I haven’t found a man to spend my life with. I hope when I find him, I’ll talk to him about everything, including that.”
Though could she visualize that potential future? No. Not when it was impossible to trust anyone.
“There’s nothing wrong with guiding a partner.”
“How come sex is always a part of our conversation? You talk about sex with all your clients?”
“If you think I’m being inappropriate—”
“Hey, what is wrong with you tonight? You’re on edge.”
“I apologize.”
“Don’t apologize, talk to me. Is it your family? Women problems? If you have something pressing or concerning, go, be where you need to be. I’m okay, we can talk another time.”
“This is where I need to be,” he said. “This is helping.”
“That I don’t believe. Tell me.”
“I upset someone,” he said. “Someone important.”
“I’m sorry. Can’t you apologize?”
“I will, but I don’t know if it’ll make a difference.” He sighed. “I hoped you’d call tonight.”
“You did? Why?”
“Something about your voice.”
Her flat feet slid up the bed, raising her knees. “I guess you’re not allowed to call me,” she said. “If you are and you need to talk… We all need someone. Anonymous isn’t bad. People in your life have their own agenda, not necessarily bad, they have skin in the game. I don’t. You can tell me anything.”
“That’s not how this works. I told you the first night, I don’t matter. This is about you and what you need.”
“I need you to be honest. This has to be honest.”
“I’d never lie to you.”
“Are you in an office somewhere? At home? In a crowded bullpen?”
She couldn’t hear anyone in the background but wanted a better picture of his surroundings. For some reason. The why made no sense. It just mattered to her, he mattered.
“I’m… alone.”
In life or just at that exact moment?
“You went through a trauma, you said you had experience.”
“Enough to know being held hostage would damage even the sanest of people.”
“And I sure couldn’t wave that flag to begin with, I hear you. Maybe you’re my sanity.”
“Then we’re both in trouble. Talking about it will help.”
So many people seemed eager to tell her that. Okay, so two people, her sanity and her supervisor.
“I thought I was alone. My earbuds kept me company. I was counting, typing, sorting, nothing strenuous. Doing something I’d done a hundred times before.”
“When did you become aware of him? Aware you weren’t alone?”
“That’s one of the things that makes my skin crawl when I think about it.”
“You don’t know how long he was watching.”
That, right there. “I don’t know how long he was watching.”
“The cops should know, shouldn’t they? If they have him on camera.”
“They’ll know, they didn’t tell me.”
“You should ask—”
“What difference will it make? The answer doesn’t matter, he still had my life in his hands. He could’ve killed me and I’d never have seen it coming. Maybe that would’ve been the merciful way.”
“If they have him on camera, why can’t they ID him?”
“He used the employee access. Less cameras than in the public areas, and basically not patrolled at all. His face was covered the whole time. They have rough height, build, skin color, blue eyes, soft voice, quick to anger.”
“They didn’t get those last three from a tape.”
“He kept his promise. I did what I was told, and he let me live.”
“Lighting Darkness has connections in law enforcement. Let me reach out to them and—”
“No. Thank you,” she insisted. “No one wins by dredging it up again.”
“When did this happen? A year ago? Two? More?”
“Four months ago.”
“Shit, baby, no wonder it’s still screwing with your head.”
He’d never called her “baby” before. Was that a slip of his professional veneer? Could it be that this was becoming a something?
“I have to go.”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to pressure you.”
“No.” She sat up, eager to shake off… whatever. “You didn’t. I just… have something to do.”
“Anna—”
“Goodnight.”
Ending the call, she held the phone to her cleavage. They’d never met, never laid eyes on each other, but he knew her. Had heard more of her secrets than any other living creature.
She flopped forward, planting her face in the bed. Damnit. She was making a mess. Whoop-de-do. Just her style.