TWELVE
“I’M SORRY IT’S late,” she whispered into the phone. “Did I wake you?”
“No,” Jacob said, though there was a rasp in his voice that suggested otherwise. “Are you okay?”
“There’s no rule that says you have to answer the phone, is there? I thought if you were off duty it wouldn’t connect. Can you turn it off? Your Lighting Darkness phone?”
Or however it worked.
“If I wanted to, I could block any number. I answer because I want to.”
“Because you’re so sure you can fix me.”
“You’re not broken, Anna,” he said, soothing in his certainty. “No one should go through what you went through. And I know there are things you still haven’t told me.”
She frowned into the darkness of her bedroom. “How do you know that?”
“We all have secrets. Not everyone has this opportunity to share.”
“In anonymity? I admit that does make calling easier. I think about you… a lot.”
“Because I can be anyone, anything you want me to be. I understand, even when I don’t. I reassure, though I have no power. Supporting you is what I want to do, tell me how I can. Why did you call tonight?”
“I missed your voice.” That was honest. “Though there’s something weird about it I haven’t—”
“The Lighting Darkness lines run through a distorter automatically. It skews our voices, just a little.”
“So they can’t be recognized,” she said. “That protects you, your people. I suppose that means Jacob isn’t your real name.”
“No, it isn’t.” A few seconds of silence until ever-patient, he came back. “Is that a problem? Does it hurt you? Upset you?”
“No,” she said, briefly closing her eyes. “Maybe a little, in the times I’m thinking of your voice in the dark… How your breath might feel against my skin if…”
“We were closer?”
Maybe not exactly how she’d have put it but thank God he had.
“I’m sorry. That’s wildly inappropriate.”
He laughed, startling her, though delight soon took its place. “It might be, but you’re safe, I promise you.”
“I’m safe? What about you?”
“As we’ve just established, you don’t know my real name or even exactly what my voice sounds like. Besides, I take kind words from women as compliments, not threats.”
“Guess that’s the luxury of being a man.”
“You must get your share of compliments.” He cleared his throat. “Sorry, that was sleazy.”
“It’s okay.”
“I’ll work on the delivery. The question, it’s not judgment… Does the attention of men upset you?”
“It doesn’t upset me but… I have hang-ups about it. My ex, Jeremy, he didn’t like it when other men noticed me.”
“A lot of people experience jealousy. You were never jealous of him?”
“Oh, my jealousy came in how easily he slipped into any conversation. How simple it was for him to connect with people. I’m not one of those people.”
“Social people?”
“People who can—God, think about our conversation, I’m always saying something wrong, something stupid. Then out in the world, I trip over my own feet and… For some people, it’s effortless. They’re not intimidated by a room or aware of every syllable. I guess I can’t claim to be either because I’m always…”
“You’re hard on yourself. We get along, don’t we?”
“I don’t have to look you in the eye. I don’t have to wonder what your real motive is. This relationship has set parameters.” That she’d already violated by talking about his breath on her skin. “I don’t mean to do it, say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing.”
“We all have hang-ups,” he said. “And are our own harshest critics. You need to give yourself credit where it’s due. No screw up of yours led to you being held hostage, did it?”
“We fell behind, as a department. My boss was getting divorced, and we’d missed a couple of weeks.” Or maybe a couple of months. “We were taking it in turns to work the extra hours to clear the backlog…”
“If it had been another night, it might have been someone else.”
Is that what he’d heard? She’d be lying if she said that thought never occurred to her.
“I was the best one,” she said, “for it to happen too. My boss was going through enough, I wouldn’t wish any harm on our youngest colleague. And Yvette, she’s my friend. She has a husband and a home. He works away a lot, but her life is what many people strive their whole lives for.”
“So you think you’re expendable?”
“I think I… matter less than my colleagues, in general. I don’t have Nessa’s rosy optimism, her get it while the going’s good attitude. And it’s not like I’ve never posed in my underwear before.” Silence. Ten seconds. Twenty. “Jacob?”
He coughed. “Yeah, uh…” More quiet. “Sorry, I…”
“See, I shouldn’t talk about this—”
“You should. That’s what he wanted? To see you like that?”
“It’s the product I work with. I used to do parties for women, like Tupperware parties, just a little more risqué. And it’s a premium clientele, you understand, it wasn’t like…” Was she explaining or apologizing? “I haven’t done it since before… him. I’ll do it again, sometime, it’ll be different with women, it’ll be fine. Truth be told, I need the money. I need to get over this so I can start earning again like I used to before—”
“Your employer will understand. If you explain—”
“No one’s pressuring me. No one expects me to… it gives me more time for the charity stuff. Though the longer I go without the overtime, the more I become charity.”
“You’re strapped for cash?”
“Everyone I know is, it’s just life, especially these days. Unfortunately, the bills don’t care about trauma, they still come due.”
“You could speak to your employer, ask them to—”
“I just want to forget it ever happened.” Closing her eyes, she rolled onto her back. “I want to go back before the hostage thing, before Jeremy, I want a do-over, that’s not too much to ask, is it?”
“Everyone deserves a second chance. And if it was within my power to give it, I would.”
“The things you must hear…” And all she did was whine. “The real, true, devastating things people must endure…”
“You were violated, in a space meant to be safe. Someone forced their will onto you. Did you want to model for him?”
“No,” she said, her voice small.
“You have to acknowledge it, give yourself permission to feel what he made you feel.”
How was that? “I don’t know what he made me feel.”
He exhaled, almost seeming to calm himself. “When do you think of him? When is it worst?”
“I don’t go into the back storeroom anymore.” Which the others had accepted without addressing it. The why was obvious. “And at night, when I’m alone.” Which was part of the reason she called him. “I feel ridiculous. I’m a grown woman and I’ve slept with men, been naked in front of them. Why is this guy different?”
“Choice. Did he threaten you?”
“Yes.” The ache in her throat almost reminded her of that first moment. When he asked her to… “He didn’t have to, I was cornered, the threat was implied but… he had a weapon.”
“You deserve justice. You deserve to be heard.”
“Thank you,” she said, her body heavy.
“For?”
“Picking up. And don’t tell me I didn’t wake you because I know I did. You didn’t have to answer, and you did. You make me feel better. I can’t explain it. Before when I was scared, I’d turn on all the lights and watch infomercials until I fell asleep.”
“You know there are streaming services now.”
She laughed. “That requires thought and concentration. I just needed the noise, the illusion that I wasn’t alone.”
“You’re not alone,” he said. “You have me now. And I will always pick up, sleep or not.”
“That a promise you make to all your clients?”
“No.” The honesty felt profound. “With you, I… I’m getting something out of the deal.”
Saying that was probably against the rules. Were calls recorded? Maybe if his supervisor heard… so she shouldn’t ask…
“What do you get out of the deal?”
“You’re special, Anna,” he said and laughed himself. “And that was another sleaze, sorry.”
“Don’t apologize. You tell me I have value, that I’m allowed to feel what I feel. So are you. Just… don’t show up at my apartment and ask me to model for you.” Okay, crappy joke, it fell flat. “Sorry, I should let you get back to sleep and—”
“Don’t hang up. You don’t want to be alone? You don’t have to be. Lay down, leave the line open.”
Like she had the first night when she fell asleep by accident.
“Am I that pathetic?”
“No. Anything that makes you feel better, makes you feel more secure, it’s important. You’re important, Anna. Just close your eyes and exist with me for a bit.”
Somehow he knew exactly what she needed to hear, knew what she needed, before she did.
“Thank you, Jacob.”
“Shh, baby,” he murmured. “Go to sleep. I’m right here.”