FIFTEEN
IT WAS WRONG that he was on her mind from the minute she got in the cab. Maybe it was before then. Being with Alice, and with Roxie, strong, powerful women, who held it together… Why was she always falling apart?
Kicking her shoes into the bedroom closet, and pulling the clip from her hair, she didn’t even bother to change before calling.
It was wrong. To be so reliant on him. Two nights in a row. When would it end? Maybe never.
“Hi.”
Oh, the sweet rapture of his attention. “It’s late again.”
“I told you to call whenever you wanted,” Jacob said, the smooth comfort of his voice encircling her. “Did you have a good day?”
“You know how some people inspire you?”
“Yeah.”
“You want to be better because they show you it’s possible?”
“You met someone?”
Unzipping her dress, it fell to the floor. She didn’t bother to pick it up, just hopped onto the bed and lay across the width of the end.
“I’m not a dynamic woman, or the kind of person people notice. How do people do that? Fill the air with positive energy?”
“You’re doing it again, selling yourself short.”
“I strive to be better, I do. I think we all do, in some way. Fate just doesn’t… she doesn’t embrace some as much as others. Not that I’m blaming her for anything. The signs that are out there, we can misread them. Even when she’s showing us the way, sometimes we miss it.”
“You think fate is showing you the way? What did she show you tonight?”
“Good people do exist. There is hope for the future.”
“It’s nice to hear you’re feeling positive.”
And if she was in such a good mood, why did she call?
“I think about you too much,” she admitted, stroking her abdomen. “Because when I think about you, I’m not thinking about him.”
“I’m here for whatever you need,” he said. “Are you worried about sleeping tonight?”
“I’m worried I’ll never be like them, those kind, dynamic people. That I’ll never get over this and be in a place in my life where I can really help others and feel secure in my own life.” And maybe it was just slightly more than ridiculous that, at her age, she was crushing on a faceless voice. “Why am I such a mess?”
“Because you don’t face it. You hide from it.”
Was that true? “When I turned around and he was there, I said nothing. Couldn’t think of anything to say. I just stood there.”
“Fight, flight, or freeze is a perfectly normal response.”
Alice Breckenridge wouldn’t freeze. Neither would Roxanna Kyst.
“He asked me my name. I told him. Somehow, just going along with what he asked was easier than putting up a fight. Why didn’t I fight?”
“You said he had a weapon. If you tried to run or rush him, he may have used it.”
“It felt so ridiculous afterwards telling the cops that when he told me I was sexy, I said, thank you.”
“It’s an automatic response.”
“Yes, so I thought too. I went along with it like it was a photo shoot or a lingerie party… Except… instead of changing in private…” She left that to linger. “I can’t let this take over my life.”
“Facing what happened doesn’t mean it’s taking over your life. Process it. Don’t rush yourself. Do you have anyone in your life you’d trust to listen?”
“In my real life?” How sad was she? “No.” Goddamn and it didn’t make sense. “How can I talk to you about it and not talk to anyone at work? Not talk to a professional therapist?” Not that she’d be able to afford it. “I couldn’t talk to Jeremy about it. My ex. The cops called him to come get me that night and he said he had an early day.”
“He didn’t come to you?”
Though his disgust was obvious, she couldn’t feel the same. “It didn’t matter. What could he have done anyway? He said the next day, he hadn’t understood what happened. He hadn’t realized it was a big deal. The cop didn’t tell him—”
“It was a big deal.”
“I don’t know if he thought so, which made it so much worse. When I did think about it… I didn’t want to be intimate with him, be naked in front of him, of anyone. I think he got tired of it, of the drama, he called it.”
“Which is why you struggle to talk about it now. You see that, don’t you? His response, the way he reacted, diminished what you went through. It minimized your justified feelings. You struggle now to see that your responses are perfectly reasonable.”
“How can you see that as a complete stranger, but my own boyfriend couldn’t? Did he ever love me?”
Maybe that’s really why she obsessed with Jacob. This voice on the line told her she was allowed to feel what she felt, that there was truth and trauma to what she endured.
“He wasn’t the right man for you, you’ll find someone who does understand, who does let you feel that experience and process every aspect of your life, positive or negative.”
“You said you weren’t married, but never told me if you have someone to share your life with?”
“Maybe,” he said. “She’s a complicated woman.”
She smiled at the ceiling. “You’re safe. That’s what you said. That’s why I feel connected to you.”
“It’s a common response.”
“Like transference,” she said. “Florence Nightingale Syndrome.”
“You label everything to marginalize the truth of your relationships. This one is safe.”
“I put my faith in this so I don’t have to connect with anybody in the real world. If I get my emotional support from you, why do I need to look? Why do I need to be with anyone?”
“You don’t,” he said. “Some people make that choice for themselves.”
“And it’s valid?” she asked on a laugh.
That seemed to be one of the buzz words.
His tone acknowledged her joke. “It is.”
“I don’t want to be alone. I don’t want to be in the wrong relationship. And I obviously suck at it, picking the right man.”
“Almost no one gets it right the first time.”
Alice Breckenridge had with her husband. Roxie? She didn’t know how many serious relationships the woman had before Zairn, but she’d found it too. How had she known? How did anyone know when someone was The One? Had she just never found it or was she not capable of loving like that? Maybe she wasn’t designed to be loved like that.
“Do I need to break away? Stop using this crutch?” She closed her eyes. “I shouldn’t think about you the way I think about you.”
“Like you said, this is safe.”
Wouldn’t she turn into her own version of a crazy assaulter if she truly fell for him? Ridiculous! It wasn’t possible to fall for someone she’d never met, not when he wasn’t sharing his life too.
“I’m sorry,” she said. “For the things I’ve said, for the number of times I’ve called.”
“I told you I want you to call.”
“Your girlfriend wouldn’t appreciate it. I don’t know how to get my head straight.”
“Maybe you do need to find someone in your life. To rely on. To trust. Is there anyone you’re interested in building a deeper relationship with?”
“Not someone who’d want me. For a second I thought maybe but…”
“But…?”
“He’s too together. If he had the first clue how screwed up I am, he’d run.” On a swallow, she let the truth in. “He could never be happy with someone like me… and I think he knows that.”
“Trust him,” he said. “Fate put him in your path, didn’t she?”
“Fate’s proved she doesn’t mind being cruel. What if I like him—if I fall for him and…?”
“It works out? You live happily ever after?”
“You’re not that na?ve.”
He laughed. “Happy doesn’t have to mean incident free or constant bliss. Choosing to be with a person is about a partnership, it’s agreeing to confront whatever either of you endure together.”
Together. She had to admit that sounded good. Imagine having someone to shoulder life’s trials with. Alice and Benedict did it. Roxie and Zairn. Yvette and Iain.
“You’re right, I’m sorry.”
“Sorry?”
“I shouldn’t be relying on our conversations to fulfill my emotional needs. You have your own life and your own people, and…” It was embarrassing to learn he had someone in his life. Was she lying next to him when the phone rang? What would she think? “I won’t inconvenience you anymore.”
“Anna—”
“Goodbye, Jacob.”
She hung up and dropped the phone at her side. What was she doing? Where had it all gone wrong?