Chapter 15
FIFTEEN
“I GET IT,” Cam said. “Wild phases teach us boundaries.”
This wasn’t easy. Picking a moment. Where did she start? And what would he think when the truth was out?
“I didn’t—I don’t…”
His quiet breath calmed her or maybe it was the idyllic sketch on the wall above the couch. Couldn’t she live there? Quiet, nothing but the ocean beyond that palace. Life would be so much easier there.
“When I was seventeen, I had a girlfriend,” Cam started, giving her a reprieve. “Teagan. We were young and stupid—I was young and stupid. You always think it won’t happen to you. Don’t get me wrong, we were careful but…”
“At that age, we’re invincible.”
“All my life I was told stories of how Colliers always got what they wanted.”
“And you wanted her?”
“People are part of the package.” From nowhere, his fingers linked with hers to guide her down onto the couch.
“We’re surrounded by the most loyal, the most hungry, the most dishonest. My father could smell it, anyone with bad intentions got within ten feet of us and they’d be kicked out seconds later. ”
“He protected you.”
“The family, the company, we were protected from all sides. Always have been. Risks are calculated and mistakes never made.”
“That’s a lot of pressure.”
“It wasn’t,” he said on a freeing laugh. He put the coffee down and scooped up her legs to drape them over his lap. “Colliers got what they wanted, did what they wanted, and fuck, we did it with style and charisma, ‘cause we had Mimi on our ass if she got word otherwise.”
Another point in Mimi’s favor.
“Our parents didn’t only protect us, they raised us right. Casp’s dogged, Knox is sharp…”
“And Camden Collier? What’s he?”
“Uninterested.”
“They were motivated. All in. Dedicated to it. I couldn’t have cared less.
I didn’t resent it, it was just, there, in my life.
Didn’t matter how many meetings I went to or how many wins we celebrated.
Don’t get me wrong, I was happy for the success but…
it meant nothing to me, not like it did to them. ”
“Is that why you walked away? They didn’t cut you. Was it Teagan? She pushed you to stand up to them?”
“That’s not the way Colliers work. We say our piece, we speak our mind, but we support each other. Even if we disagree.”
She shut her eyes for a second. “I don’t understand.”
“I could do whatever I wanted because they trusted me. The family, Mimi, they trusted me like they trusted in all of us. They’d give their last, you know. Not many people see that truth, but I lived it. Colliers make each other proud, we don’t disappoint each other.”
“And being with Teagan disappointed them?” she asked, trying to figure it out. “Sorry, I still don’t get it. Was it a tax bracket thing or…?”
“No,” he stated. “It was an I knocked her up thing.” Oh boy, well, huh, that made more sense. “Telling Knox was one thing, Casp another, but neither of them hesitated to stand at my side when I went to face my dad. If one Collier celebrates, we all celebrate. If one fucks up, we all fuck up.”
“Because Colliers support each other.”
“Right.”
They were careful but…
“I’ve been here for weeks and never seen a child, is that why you left LA?” She couldn’t equate abandonment with the man she’d come to know. “You’d never desert your child.”
“We lost the baby. Teag started getting pain… She ignored it, didn’t want to go to the hospital. We knew people—I knew people. We’re Colliers and…” The pressure of the base of his fingers increased as it ascended her lower leg. “If we’d got there an hour later, she’d be dead.”
“The pain—”
“Ectopic pregnancy,” he said. “We lost the baby and she lost a tube. After that, she couldn’t look at me, at anyone. I don’t blame her. There was nothing—what could I have said? Nothing was going to take that pain away. We were young… What did we know?”
“And your family?”
“Were with me every step of the way. Her family weren’t so understanding. Money changed hands, I know it did, though my father kept the details from me. As a kindness. No judgment, no punishment, only support and understanding.
“Some part of them were pleased, I think, when I threw myself into architecture. It saved me at a time I needed saving. Gave me something my family couldn’t substitute.”
Bracing, she curled her fingers around his just above her knee. “You lost the woman you loved, your child—”
“Teagan and I were hot and heavy, but we weren’t star-crossed lovers. We were dumb teenagers who didn’t think about the future—”
“Or thought you knew everything.” She smiled. “Back then, I never understood why people didn’t get it. I was sure I loved Spencer, why would anyone doubt me?”
“Architecture was the only thing I was sure about. My parents tried to talk me around until they gave up. I’m happy. They see that now and I don’t regret my choice.”
Of profession? Of location? Of love?
That look in his eye. The question.
“I’ve asked myself that.” She focused on their twined digits. “Do I regret it?”
Silence hung for a moment.
“Do you?”
The trust of his sharing made it easier to open up.
“No,” she said. “It was difficult sometimes, but what relationship isn’t? Though it definitely didn’t turn out the way I thought.”
“What does turn out the way we think?” he finished for her. “His family ousted you?”
“They ousted both of us around the same time we left the country. No one knew until then. The Raiths had no idea, my parents, no one. We just got on a plane and… disappeared.”
“Your family must’ve been worried. Did you contact them to let them know you were okay?”
“Eventually. When they reported me missing, no one cared much. Who cares about a teenager running away from home? It was only after Spence called them that the shit hit the fan.”
“They went to the press?”
“No, actually, the institute did. Which, if you think about it, was kind of stupid on their part. Most of their funding came from the Raiths. They had a damn building named after them.”
“Someone at the top wouldn’t make that choice. Scandals spread fast. Rumors, unsubstantiated gossip, it gets to the media’s ear as soon as there’s a renowned name in the mix.”
She’d never found out the identity of the leaker. Spence got obsessed with it for a while though eventually decided it didn’t matter. They’d done enough to the reputation of the school without dragging it deeper with details.
“He was fighting battles on so many fronts. His family, my family, the press, the school, the police, the feds, everyone wanted something and he protected me from it all.”
“He loved you,” he said, a man who knew. “Leaving with you… fuck, that was a risk, he must’ve been in deep.”
“I trusted him completely. In my na?ve innocence… He may have been older and wiser, but neither of us… I didn’t fully appreciate the risk he was taking, leaving with me.
My parents eventually accepted us. His family never did.
The way they spoke to him… It hurt him. He tried not to let me see it but… I knew.”
“And after he passed…?”
“They wanted nothing to do with me. I didn’t expect them to and, if I’m honest, I want nothing to do with them either.”
“You didn’t go back to your family?”
“I haven’t spoken to them in years.”
“They didn’t reach out to you after Spencer died?”
“Move forward, not back,” she said and sighed as she sank onto her back. “There’s nothing new to be learned from the past. That’s what Spence used to say.” A laugh rumbled in her throat. “He was so full of shit.”
“Did he love you?” Raising her head, she met his eye. “If he loved you, he wanted to give you hope.”
“He gave me so much more than that.” Her neck relaxed. “I learned who I was with him. We weren’t conventional, but we always made room for each other. I matured with him. Educated myself. Experienced the world.”
“You miss him?”
“Every day.” For so many years, they’d been all each other had. “Don’t get me wrong, it was no fairytale. I think we both knew we’d made a rod for our backs. The way we’d left? We had to be together. We couldn’t go back and tell everyone they were right all along.”
“Were you unhappy?”
“Spence was… His heart was always in the right place; he gave up a lot to be with me.”
“And you didn’t give up a lot?”
There was a stark difference between their worlds and motivations. One she’d identified early on.
“It’s probably easier for you to imagine his situation.”
“Me?”
“Yeah,” she said, combing her fingers through her hair, spreading it out. “He grew up in privilege, with money, opportunity, there was a respect he was always granted. He commanded a room until… I took something from him. Something he’d never get back.”
“It wasn’t on you. He was a grown—”
He faltered and though her lips curled, she closed her eyes. “You can say it. You’re not the first. He was a grown man and I was a child.”
“If you left at seventeen, you were younger when it started.”
“It’s a jigsaw, right? Like every relationship.
Which piece came first? Where was the first connection?
The last? Though most relationships aren’t scrutinized the way mine was.
Yeah, he was older, much older, and sometimes it did feel like…
He had an authority that came with the confidence of experience.
I didn’t have that. Sometimes I was guilty of deferring. ” Sometimes? “But when that man spoke…”
No, she didn’t regret it. Being with Spence was a privilege. He’d given her so much and… In retrospect, it was easy to romanticize every moment. That wasn’t realistic. She couldn’t turn him into some kind of saint when he was anything but.
“I’m sorry you lost him so young,” he said. “Sounds like the kind of relationship the rest of us search for our whole lives.”
And there it was, the proof she hadn’t told the whole truth.
“The end is never the same as the beginning,” she said.
That was honest, though wasn’t explicit.
“Living with a man. Marrying him and putting your faith in him, it’s not always smart.
” Sitting up, she hooked an arm over the back of the couch to keep herself upright.
“I believed things I shouldn’t have believed.
Trusted when I should’ve been vigilant.”
He frowned. “What does that mean?”
“Something else you can identify with,” she said. “It’s not smart to get all your news from one source. Crosscheck for credibility, right?”
“Right.” And the crease in his brow stayed put. “He cheated on you?”
Here was a man who could read between the lines. She slid her upper arm closer until her fingers curled above her temple.
“Frequently,” she admitted to him something only one other breathing person knew. “You fall for it.” That wasn’t fair. “I fell for it. I was inexperienced, couldn’t do things he needed, or I was too precious for those acts.”
“Is that what he told you? Classic bullshit.”
“Maybe.” She shrugged. “He wasn’t completely wrong. I didn’t know what I was doing in bed.”
“That’s normal for someone your age.”
What had he learned with Teagan?
Cam’s life was so different to hers. Though they were both dramatic in their own ways.
“I guess.”
The truth didn’t heal all wounds. Learning the man she loved was unfaithful wasn’t made any easier by his explanation. He’d only done it because she lacked, he needed something he could only get from other women.
“You learn together or you walk away.” Cam seemed to sense her shame. “He knew what he was getting into. If he wanted someone with experience, he shouldn’t have ripped you from your life.”
And it was sweet he was mad about it.
She touched his face. “No relationship is perfect.”
“Not every relationship comes with infidelity.”
Laughing wouldn’t be appropriate, even if it was her first instinct. “I’ll take your word for that, Unicorn.”
“You can and you’ll find out. Spencer and Mason are not an accurate representation of all men. I bet you the home of your dreams I’m right.”
Were her exes the exception or the rule? Somehow she couldn’t imagine Cam betraying anyone. Then again, she would’ve said the same of Spencer and Mason in the early days.
“You’re so sure?” she asked.
His gaze remained resolute. “Yes, because your taste in men has improved.” No swagger, that was all promise. “Things are looking up for you.”
This should be the moment, in accordance with their interactions up to then, she leaned in close to flirt or tease. She didn’t. This was about more than just her desires. Wanting was just fine when it didn’t hurt anyone. But this, them, had the classic markings of a shitshow parade.
Her touch drifted across his body. “Cam, last night was amazing…”
“Foot off the gas, Candy Girl.”
What was he getting at?
“The gas?”
With a curled finger, he elevated her chin. “Let me teach you something about patience.”
“Last night—”
“Will wait, Candy. Slow down.”
Wait? Which of them was waiting? Was she waiting for him to be ready to go all the way? Or was he waiting for her to get her clusterfuck of a life together? Damn, it better not be the latter. For that, he’d be waiting a long time.
Nothing fazed Cam. There was no panic, no anger. He was just a guy going about his day as though their situation hadn’t just been flung in the wringer.
Some of that ease wore off on her. “You’re very chill for a man not getting laid.”
“Who’s in a hurry?” He joined their hands to draw them onto their feet. “Let’s go get something to eat.”
“We’re done talking?”
“Forever doesn’t happen in a day.” A shriek upstairs prompted their eyes to ascend. “Did Roxie come inside?”
“After me.”
“Shit. Her and Mimi together for too long spells trouble.”
What was there to worry about?
“Zairn and Tripp are up there.”
“Tripp would light the match, believe me.”
“And Zairn?”
“Values his sex life.”
Out of the office and up the stairs they went. For all the things Cam didn’t yet know about her past, there were as many mysteries in his life. Now his people were being revealed to her, was this her chance at a more permanent role?
If his family told him to run, could she argue against that? No, it was good advice, if he wanted to keep his sanity.