Chapter Twenty Mateo
(I Was Surprised by the Invitation)
Mr. Mateo Zavala .
I hold the envelope in my hand and arc my thumb over my name for the hundredth time, noting—also for the hundredth time—that it's only my name.
The wedding invitation wasn't addressed to Mr. Mateo Zavala and Guest. It's almost as if Harper and Simon know there's no Logan, or anyone else like him, in my life anymore.
They haven't drawn the outline of some hypothetical man I might want to bring as my date, and there's no suggestion that I should bring Sophie along, even though she'd also taught Harper many years ago.
I've been invited, very cordially, but I've been invited alone, because it's the closest they can get to making me someone else's plus one.
Jamie and I got the call about Harper and Simon's engagement about eight months ago, and the time since has been full of phone calls, video chats, one quick visit, and the same hope I carried for years before it got too heavy.
I'm waiting again, and I love him too much to want to stop, but I can't pretend the ache in my shoulders isn't returning under the weight of something familiar.
Maybe it's time for me to break more rules.
Maybe I could do it for more than the one night I once suggested.
Maybe I could do it without being as angry as I was at the lake.
Maybe I could do it forever.
It's been over a year since I last saw Logan, but I think of him as I leave the empty envelope on my dresser and return to the bathroom to finish getting ready.
It would've been so easy, having a real relationship with him.
He was silly and sweet and smart. Everything about our time together was simple, and the sex was wonderful. My family loved him, and I could've.
But Logan and I had both known it was over by the time I put Jamie on a plane.
I suppose we had both known it was over the night I walked out of his bedroom.
And really, there shouldn't have been anything requiring an official goodbye when he'd been aware all along that I was using him, but he was eager to let me hurt him one more time.
We'd gathered up the traces of each other left behind on too many mornings after, and we'd slept together for something like old times' sake.
Strangely enough, it had been one of the best nights of my life, but now I shake my head at my reflection, wrap my tie around my neck, and forget.
Mr. Mateo Zavala, sans guest, has a wedding to attend.
The venue is probably 30 to 40 minutes away, Harper and Simon picking an oceanside hotel halfway between where they live now and where she grew up.
I'd met the groom about a month ago, when they'd taken me out to lunch between wedding errands, and it had overwhelmed me to remember the ambitious 14-year-old who'd once introduced herself from the front row of my honors English class.
She's 23 now, and just as ambitious, and if I'm this proud of her today, Jamie must be ecstatic.
Actually, I know he is because he hasn't stopped texting me since he landed in California yesterday morning.
We haven't seen each other yet—he's been busy with father-of-the-bride duties, and I've been busy pacing Sophie's apartment—but he sent me pictures from last night's rehearsal dinner.
His smile was magnificent in every one of them.
I hate that he's expected back in New Jersey tomorrow when I have so many things to say.
I'm ready to go. My tie is tied and my hair is pulled into a perfect ponytail, and I will carry my suit jacket with me until I've arrived at the hotel.
I have a duffel bag and a wedding gift with me too, and I set them on the back seat before I take a deep breath and prepare for a night I've been looking forward to, and maybe fearing, for months.
Once I'm parked and as put together as possible, I head inside to check in, greeted first by a gorgeous flower and balloon arrangement pointing me toward the ceremony.
It's all so real, and I think I say something stupid about it to the clerk who's just trying to give me a room key.
I gather myself somewhere between the front desk and the elevator, and I'm mostly fine once I'm alone in my room for a few minutes.
Then my phone vibrates and I have no idea how I'm doing.
Let me know when you get here and I'll meet you in the lobby
I'm already here. See you in just a minute.
I study myself in the full-length mirror and decide I look fantastic, then I grab the gift and hurry out the door. This elevator ride causes all the butterflies to return, and I remind myself that nothing has changed between us yet.
I haven't said anything important.
I haven't told him I'm willing to cross whatever lines will let me have him in secret while we wait another one or two or ten years to let the world in.
Jamie and I are still friends, but the doors open and he's there in his tux, and I just stare until I remember that I have to move.
His nervous giggle is as beautiful as he is, and I feel it against my chest when he hugs me.
When we pull away, almost dizzy over the only semi-private moment we might get tonight, he takes the gift from my hand and ushers me toward the festivities.
"How's Harper doing?" I ask.
"She hasn't stopped talking about how excited she is. I only got a break now because she's getting dressed with her crew, but once we get you seated, I'll check back in with them."
I'd heard the wedding party included her friends Lizzie and Kate, both of whom I know from their high school days, plus a roommate of hers from Washington.
Danielle must be around somewhere, though I haven't seen her since the handful of soccer games she attended, and I'm not sure which one of us is more likely to recognize the other.
Abruptly, I realize Jamie's parents will be here, too.
I don't know why that hadn't occurred to me—or why he hadn't brought it up—but it has me grabbing for his arm.
"Your mom and dad."
"Mmmm, yeah, they're here. Had a lovely conversation with them last night.
They detailed the things I could've done better as a coach this season.
Getting back to the second round of the playoffs after missing them entirely the year before wasn't good enough.
Obviously. Coaching was supposed to be my chance to remind everyone who I am and recapture the success I surrendered when I—"
"You didn't surrender. You—"
He peels my hand off him and interrupts me with a peaceful little grin. "I know. And it's fine. I'm fine, I promise. They're here, but so are you."
I bite back most of what I could say and only tell him I'll find a seat on my own while he drops off my gift and catches up with Harper.
It's impossible to ignore how calm he is on an evening that would excuse him for being more manic.
Not only is his only child getting married, but his ex is here and his parents are here and I'm here, and Jamie's carrying the foolish confidence reserved for the times we're alone or in the middle of New York City.
I'm the unsteady one tonight. It's been so long since I've had to keep from loving him out loud.
The ceremony is scheduled to start in 15 minutes, and when I spot Kai, most of my anxiety quiets.
I'm impressed he took a Saturday night off from the bar, and say so as I take the chair next to him.
We haven't seen each other since May, but even side by side, it's easy to make the same small talk we do when he supplies me with wings and beer.
Eventually, there's a shift in the music, and we turn to watch as older family members are walked down the aisle.
Without my having to ask, Kai whispers to me when Jamie's parents arrive among other grandparents.
Once all the special guests have been seated, the music changes again, this time to a beautiful instrumental, and I watch Lizzie, Kate, and another young woman make their way toward a gazebo set up in front of the crowd.
Then we all stand. It's for Harper, of course.
Our attention. And I'm happy to give it because I've always loved weddings, and she's absolutely stunning, and I've spent enough time imagining what it would be like to be the person waiting at the other end of the aisle to understand how Simon must feel at the first sight of her.
But I don't think I've ever wanted to get married as badly as I do when I see Jamie now.
His wet eyes connect with mine as he passes with his daughter on his arm, and I don't know whether his emotion has anything to do with me.
Kai squeezes my shoulder and reminds me to breathe, and I'm okay after that, other than the tears that fall when I hear poetic vows that would make any English teacher proud.
The reception follows immediately, and we're treated to an open bar and hors d'oeuvres while we wait for the wedding party to join us.
I have an Old Fashioned in my hand when Kai sees someone he knows and wanders off, and I'm surprised when Lizzie and Kate's parents recognize me years after we had a couple of brief conferences.
Talking to them keeps me occupied until the DJ hypes everyone up to welcome the newlyweds.
Jamie slips in just ahead of everyone else, but making a beeline for me would be unwise.
By the time dinner is served, I still haven't been able to talk to him again.
The food is incredible, as is the music.
Harper and Simon's first dance is followed by her dance with Jamie, and Simon's with his mother.
They continue with more traditions, each new memory the couple makes backed by the laughter and cheers of the entire ballroom, and I hang back to soak it all in.
I lose track of everyone at some point, and I'm mostly alone until I feel someone tap on my shoulder.
"How nicely do I have to ask to get you to dance with me?"