Nothing To Lose

19. Tyler

19

TYLER

Of all the things Isaac has made me feel–safe, confident, aroused–right now the biggest thing I'm feeling feels an awful lot like love. It's too soon for that to be what it is. I'm sure my attention deprived daddy issues are to blame–but whatever name you put on it, I have big feelings.

Big, big feelings.

Feelings so big, they're expanding my chest to several times its normal capacity. My breaths are shaky and my lungs don't have the capacity I need to take a full breath. I'm dizzier now than the first days after my concussion, but in a euphoric way. Like a kid who's twisted their swing and let it go, watching the sky spin above them while they lean back and enjoy the ride.

Isaac leans in to kiss me again, deeper, and I want him to know that I'm ready. For all our fun and teasing, I know he's handling me with kid gloves to make sure I can handle whatever our next lesson will be. But I'm ready for it all.

That's not to say I don't have some reservations or apprehension about the logistics of things. Whether it'll hurt me. Whether I'll hurt him. Whether I'll be good enough. But I trust Isaac enough to walk me through it. And he's never touched me in a way that didn't make me desperate for more.

My fingers find the top button of the black dress shirt he's wearing, and I unfasten it. Slowly, I make my way down his chest, carefully popping each button open until I can slip the fabric from his shoulders. He's not wearing an undershirt, so his tattooed chest and chiseled torso are exposed to me. I run my fingers through every groove of his pecs and dip of his abs, and brush my palm over a rising bruise on his side.

You'd think the scars, tattoos, barbells, and bruises would scare me, that his rough-around-the-edges appearance would turn me off. He's so different from the polished country-club aesthetic I'm used to, but it only adds to the appeal. Every dangerous inch of him is beautiful.

Isaac presses forward, walking me backwards while he unbuttons my cardigan and lets it fall to the floor. He breaks our kiss for a moment to pull my shirt over my head, then looks down at my exposed chest.

Two weeks ago, I would have either covered myself or feigned some kind of false bravado, made a joke at my own expense. It's still unbelievable to me that Isaac, who looks the way he does, could want someone like me. But I see the raw appreciation in his dark eyes, and I feel it in the way he takes my mouth, kisses down my jaw, and slowly lowers himself to his knees as he trails kisses lower. My fingers thread into his hair, gripping lightly as his tongue dips into my belly button and his deft fingers pop the button of my jeans. They slide down my legs, his lips following all the way down to my feet, the tops of which he kisses as he eases my pants off each leg. He stares up at me like he worships me, eyes glued to mine as he leans forward and mouths my cock through the fabric of my underwear.

"These are nice," he murmurs, the vibration of his breath making me weak in the knees.

I felt a little silly buying the dark blue silk briefs, but at the moment I feel… powerful. Desirable. Sexy.

The pouch on the front cups my balls and shaft perfectly, except now that I'm hard, my cock presses against the fabric, making it gap at the front. A dot of pre-cum soaks through the dark blue silk, which Isaac licks and sucks into his mouth, making the wet spot spread. His hands smooth up the backs of my legs to my ass, then guide me to turn around. The cheeky cut of the briefs almost gives the illusion of curves, cupping my cheeks and leaving the bottom crease exposed. He runs his lips and tongue through those creases now, then noses at the crack of my ass. A shiver runs through me, remembering the way he licked and sucked there just the other day. I'd been so embarrassed at first, so completely shocked that he was licking my asshole of all things, but then he moaned like he loved it, and I relaxed into the sensation. I've never felt so completely devoured—literally and figuratively. It was so base and raw. Primal. And it gave me pleasure I didn't know was possible. After that, what could I possibly be shy about? The memory has me pressing my ass against his face, moaning at the sensation of his hot breath over my hole as he puffs his breath through the fabric.

"As sexy as these are, I want you bare for me, kitten. I want to get this gorgeous cock ready so you can take me."

So I can take him…

He notices my hesitation. Of course he does. He's so in tune with my body, he can read every need, no matter how subtle. He stands, unbuttoning his dark jeans and letting them fall open, exposing the dark hair at his groin. I want to rub my face in it and purr, like the kitten he says I am.

"You're not wearing anything," I rasp, leaning forward to slip my hand into the front of his pants. My fingers wrap around his heated, silky skin, giving the hard length of him a slow, firm stroke. He groans and bites his lip, which I lean forward and steal from him, pulling the flesh from his teeth between mine. He lets out another groan, this one accompanied by an almost frenzied kiss, deep and salacious. The backs of my calves hit the mattress, and he gently pushes against my chest to signal he wants me on the bed. I fall back, scooting backwards as Isaac climbs over me, settling himself between my legs and retaking my mouth.

We writhe against each other, tongues tangling, moaning, gasping for breath between desperate kisses. I push his pants down, wanting the friction of his bare skin over my silk covered cock. He lifts the bottom of his body, letting me push the fabric down his legs with my feet, then kicks it off before returning to his place. We kiss and rut against each other until I'm positive I'm going to bust too early again, and I have to pull back to take a breather.

"You're sure you want me to…" I breathe heavily, my skin feeling flushed all over. "What if I do it wrong? Maybe you should do me first?—"

He chuckles against my collarbone, gently licking into the dip of my throat, then up to my Adam's apple. His teeth graze it and my hips raise in response, desperate for more of his delicious friction.

"We can do it however you want to, Tyler. There are no rules."

I take a deep breath, my thoughts growing too loud. All the things I've overheard, all the things that have been said to me over the years, all the assumptions that have been made, both by me and the people around me. Guy's behavior flashes in my memory, snippets of things he said to me when we fought that night.

"You're built like a twelve-year-old girl. I guess I'd fuck you, just to show you who's boss. I bet you'd take me like a bitch, wouldn't you? Is that what you want?"

"Your father is whoring you out for connections. He'll give you to me, and you'll be my personal cum dumpster."

Isaac moves to settle himself over me, putting his weight on one elbow so he can use his other hand to swipe the hair from my forehead and run his thumb down the length of my nose.

He kisses me gently. "I think you have some negative feelings about sex, especially the idea of penetration. Maybe because of something that happened–"

My gaze snaps to his, ready to defend myself. The words tumble out so fast, I can’t get a clear sentence out. "That didn't happen, I'm not– I'm still a– I haven't done anything, except with you."

"Tyler, whatever happened isn't your fault. And it has no impact on your value as a human being, as a partner, as a lover…" He runs his nose along my jaw and kisses it. "We don't have to do everything or anything tonight. We can take everything at your pace. I want you to enjoy it, baby. You go somewhere else when we talk about it, and I don't want it to impact your pleasure. I want you to feel good."

There's a heaviness in his words that makes me think he might not believe me, or that he thinks I'm too damaged to do this. I close my eyes, thinking of what to say—how much truth I can give him to let him know I'm ready to move past this. I want this with him. I'm scared of the power exchange, of what the dynamics mean for our budding relationship. Of whether he'll resent me for being weak, or the expectation that he makes himself vulnerable to make me feel better about myself.

"He didn't do it, but it was… implied. Threatened, I guess," I admit, eyes filling with tears. "He could have done it, because I was too weak. I just laid there, and if he'd actually tried, what would I have been able to do about it?"

"You're not weak."

"I am! I was. If he'd wanted me like that, he could have shown me just how weak I was." I sit up, pushing away from Isaac and pulling my knees up to cover my body. "I don't want to talk about this. I don't want it here, with us, right now. I don't want it to hold you back or make you not want me–"

"Nothing could make me not want you, Tyler. Nothing." My heart clenches like a fist is wrapped around it. "Even if we never have penetrative sex, I love everything we do together. I'm happy with what we have. It's about our connection." He crawls over to me and sits back on his heels, hands on either side of my thighs. "The lessons were never about getting to fuck you, they were about having the confidence to allow yourself to feel good, to not be shy about who you are or what you want."

"I want…" I swallow the lump in my throat that threatens to betray just how afraid I am. "I want to experience it all, feel it all. I want to be able to give you my body without fear or apprehension so things can be how they're supposed to be."

"What does that mean, how they're supposed to be?"

My mouth turns down, unsure how to explain. But I don't need to, because Isaac, as always, reads me like a book.

"I think you've been fed a lot of harmful, hetero-normative bullshit about relationship roles and dynamics. The threat that he would force you makes it look like being the receiver is passive or weak, but that's not the case."

"Receiver?" My lips quirk. I know what he means, but the word strikes me as formal and kind of funny.

"The bottom, then. Everyone's so concerned over who's the top and who's the bottom. Who fucking cares? What you like to feel doesn't make you more or less strong. What matters is that it feels good to you and your partner. It's about mutual respect and pleasure and trust." He rubs his hands up and down my thighs soothingly. "I thought that you topping first would help you be more comfortable with it, if it's something you want."

"But is that what you want?"

He smiles, then leans forward and kisses me again, slow and sensual but not pushing for anything. My knees part instinctively, making space for him between my thighs. I can feel him there, but he doesn't press into me like before.

"I want you any way I can get you, Tyler. Sex or no sex. Top or bottom."

"I do want it… to be inside you. To have you inside me." His cock twitches against mine, but he still doesn't make a move. "I don't want to be afraid. I'm not afraid," I say, wanting to be very clear. "I'm not afraid with you."

This time, when I kiss him, he pulls me against him. I'm straddling his lap with him on his knees, rocking my silk covered ass against his bare cock. He'd deflated a bit while we talked, but he's hard and leaking now. We make out and grind against each other until there's no other thought in my head other than pure, burning, primal need.

"I still want you inside me first," he breathes. "Is that okay?"

A burst of warmth escapes the head of my cock, and I groan. "If we don't hurry, it'll be too late," I warn.

He chuckles and lays me back on the mattress before standing. He finds his jeans and pulls something from the back pocket, holding them up for me to see. A condom and a packet of lube. Good thing he planned ahead. I put all this together with the intention of having sex, and I didn't think to bring supplies up.

"Do we need this?" He asks, waving the condom.

"I've already had your cum inside me," I point out.

He blanches, but his cock visibly twitches at the reminder. "You're right. I didn't even think that night."

"It's okay. I trust you." He said he'd been tested since the last time he was with anyone, so I’m not worried. I eye the condom. "It's up to you, then. I'll wear it if you want me to, if you don't want the… mess."

All the right words come out of my mouth, and I do my damndest to keep a neutral face. I really hope he knows I'm being genuine, and that I have no issues wearing a condom. But I also really, really want to come inside him. I want to fill him with it, watch it leak out of him, and go to sleep with the knowledge that I'm part of him.

"Oh, I want the mess," he says, tossing the offending item over his shoulder. "I want all the mess. Fucking mess me up, Tyler."

Isaac rips open the lube packet with his mouth, then tosses it to me. Understanding the assignment, I tear my underwear off and pour some lube on my cock, careful not to touch myself too much. I'm barely holding on as it is. He sets one foot on the end of the bed. My eyes widen as he spreads some of the lube on two fingers and reaches between his legs, pressing both of them into his hole.

"Fuck… what are you…"

"I need to get myself ready for your big cock, and I'm suddenly in a hurry."

Groaning, I pinch the inside of my thigh. The sharp bite of pain helps me stave off what's already building.

"I want to do it," I say, the words choked, but I’m already moving towards him. I reach for his ass between his legs and slip two fingers in, awed at the tight squeeze. Isaac groans and thrusts into the air, and I adjust to take him in my mouth.

"Fuck, baby. Put another one in. I can take it." I keep sucking, bobbing rhythmically as I slip in a third finger. He hisses as his tight ass clenches around my fingers, and I pull back, worried it's hurting him. "I'm good," he says. "Keep going."

When he's ready for more, he lies on his back with me between his legs. I have a fourth finger inside him, pumping in and out, spreading my fingers, marveling at how much he can stretch. What must that feel like?

"Give me your cock, Tyler. I'm ready if you are." His voice is calm, but there's a level of breathless need in it.

"I, uh… I'm probably not going to do a good job the first time. I'm pretty sure I might come before I can get inside you." My whole body is flushed with the overwhelming need to come already.

"That's okay, baby. We can do this as many times as it takes. It still feels good."

My fear of being a shitty lover calms my blood enough for me to focus. I spread the last of the lube on the head of my cock and line myself up, rubbing it back and forth and around his puckered hole. He writhes like I'm teasing him, but I'm really just giving myself time to process that this is really happening. Finally, I gather the courage to press myself inside, pushing the head of my cock through the tight ring of muscle.

Tight doesn't begin to describe the feeling. He was tight around my fingers, but the head of my cock is so much more sensitive, and has more give than my fingers, so the squeeze is intense. A thousand tiny lightning bolts go off over the surface of my cock as I slowly sink inside. Isaac moans, low and guttural, tensing when I get just over halfway inside.

"Fuck, you're big," he says, panting. "Give me a second. Okay, now pull out slowly, but not all the way." I follow his instructions, focusing on the task and not the overwhelming heat pulsing through my body. "Now give me more," he instructs, and I nearly lose it as I watch my cock disappear inside him, feeling his muscles clenching. I pull out and push back in one more time, sinking all the way down. Our bodies are flush against each other and I'm inside him as deep as I can go.

I'm inside him.

And that’s it.

I come immediately.

My body spasms, and I make some particularly manly noises. It's both more and less intense than the orgasm Isaac gave me in the shower with his fingers and tongue inside me. Less intense physically, because that orgasm ripped me from of my earthly body and turned me inside out, but also more intense because I was fucking inside him when it happened.

"Oh my god," I whisper, forehead resting against his, sweat dripping down my body. My arms are trembling from the effort of holding myself up.

"You did it," he says, wrapping his arms around me and pulling me down. My arms give out and I lay limp against his chest for a moment. I just need a moment to breathe. Or cry. Or die of embarrassment.

"I'm sorry," I groan, my voice muffled into his armpit. Is it weird that he smells good here? I kind of want to huff him.

"You were perfect."

"I lasted exactly three seconds longer than I anticipated," I say sarcastically, like it's a big win.

"More than three seconds," Isaac laughs. "And you did something no one's ever done before."

I came inside him.

Oh my god, I came inside him.

My full body shudder makes my cock twitch. It's still buried inside him, since neither of us has moved.

"You're still hard," he observes.

I am still hard. Still hard and still a little too excited. I give a tentative thrust of my hips, and Isaac sucks in a little breath. I lift up on my arms again, looking down at him as I do it again. His eyes are heavy-lidded, mouth open slightly. I pull back so I can see my cock moving in and out of him. It's wet, with white sticky cum squelching out the sides. My hips buck harder.

"Yes. Fuck," Isaac rasps.

Another orgasm, or maybe it's remnants from the first one, I don't know—I barely know what my name is at this point—builds at the base of my spine. My brain tingles with mindless images of my cum sloshing around inside him, being pushed further inside by my cock. My hips speed up, and I'm afraid I'm going to bust before he's ready. Again.

Isaac pulls me down and kisses me—hard. A hand reaches down and pulls my ass so I'm holding myself deep inside him. Then everything shifts, and he's on top of me. He drapes his larger body over mine, arms on either side of my head, cock nestled between our bodies, and rolls his hips. My hands fly up to grip his hips, not to control his movements, just to hold on for dear life as ecstasy shoots down my spine and into my balls.

"Jesus Christ," I moan, and I give actual consideration to joining a church and worshiping whatever deity brought me here. "Isaac, you feel…"

"Fucking perfect," he moans.

He leans down and kisses me, gasping into my mouth as he moves on top of me, rolling his hips in a slow, hypnotic movement that curls my toes. He picks up a little speed, pushing himself up on his arms. His cock bounces, smacking against my stomach, pre-cum dripping everywhere. My eyes move over his body, marveling at the perfect specimen moving on top of me. His thighs and abs clench. His arms are flexed and bulging, dark ink accentuating the grooves and cords of his muscles.

"God, you're fucking beautiful. I'm going to come," I groan, my voice strained and apologetic because I can't hold on anymore.

His long neck stretches to throw his head back, his sweaty hair falling across his closed eyes. His breathing picks up, pink lips dropping open.

"Tyler, I'm– Fuck– "

My hand wraps around his cock and strokes it, an internal chant of pleasecomeplease comepleasecome repeating in my head as our movements become more frantic. He thrusts into my hand with every roll of his hips, bouncing a little as I buck my hips up. A minute later, his body tightens, movements becoming slow and jerky. His ass clenches rhythmically around the base of my cock and cum splashes across my stomach and chest, coating my hand as I jerk him through his climax, wailing through my own.

When we finally come down, we're both lying flat on our backs, arms and legs spread wide across each other. I don't even know when Isaac climbed off of me, but my dick is wet and cold, flopped across my thigh.

"Holy fuck," I rasp.

Isaac hums his approval.

We're quiet for so long his voice startles me out of an internal dialogue that’s switching between that was the most amazing thing I've ever done and what could I have done better . He came, that's good, but next time I should move, actually do something other than lay there and take it.

"I almost came untouched," he says. "That's pretty fucking good. In case you're over there overthinking whether it was good for me."

I huff out a laugh and throw my arm over my face. "I didn't exactly do much to help. I was just afraid I was going to come before you again."

Isaac rolls over to me, propping his head on his elbow and smiling down at me. "It still would have been good. And it would have ended the same way," he says with a shrug.

"How's that?" I ask, curious.

He swipes two fingers over my chest and holds them up to show me the glaze dripping down his fingers. "With you covered in my cum, and yours dripping out of me."

A shudder runs through me, and my cock twitches in an almost painful way.

Isaac brings his fingers to my lips, coating them before pushing them into my mouth. He hooks his fingers behind my teeth and pulls me to meet his lips in a soul searing kiss.

"Fucking perfect."